Home Forums Hunting & Shooting Hunter's Campfire A little humor for dads

10 Simple Rules for dating my daughter<P>Rule One: If you pull into my driveway and honk you'd better be<BR>delivering a package, because you're sure not picking anything up.<P>Rule Two: You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may<BR>glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck.<BR>If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter's body, I<BR>will remove them.<P>Rule Three: I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys<BR>of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be<BR>falling off their hips. Please don't take this as an insult, but you<BR>and all of your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be<BR>fair and open minded about this issue, so I propose this compromise:<BR>You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants<BR>ten sizes too big, and I will not object. However, In order to ensure<BR>that your clothes do not, in fact, come off during the course of your<BR>date with my daughter, I will take my electric nail gun and fasten<BR>your trousers securely in place to your waist.<P>Rule Four: I'm sure you've been told that in today's world, sex<BR>without utilizing a "barrier method" of some kind can kill you. Let<BR>me elaborate: when it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I will kill you.<P>Rule Five: In order for us to get to know each other, we should<BR>talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not do<BR>this. The only information I require from you is an indication of when you<BR>expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only word I<BR>need from you on this subject is "early."<P>Rule Six: I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many<BR>opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my<BR>daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will<BR>continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you<BR>make her cry, I will make you cry.<P>Rule Seven: As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter<BR>to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If<BR>you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating. My<BR>daughter is putting on her makeup, a process that can take longer than painting<BR>the Golden Gate Bridge. Instead of just standing there, why don't you do<BR>something useful, like changing the oil in my car?<P>Rule Eight: The following places are not appropriate for a date with<BR>my daughter: Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than<BR>a wooden stool. Places where there are no parents, policemen, or nuns<BR>within eyesight. Places where there is darkness. Places where there is<BR>dancing, holding hands, or happiness. Places where the ambient temperature<BR>is warm enough to induce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff<BR>T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down<BR>parka zipped up to her throat. Movies with a strong romantic or sexual<BR>theme are to be avoided; movies which feature chainsaws are okay.<BR>Hockey games are okay. Old folks homes are better.<P>Rule Nine: Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a pot-bellied, balding,<BR>middle-aged, dim-witted has-been. But on issues relating to my daughter, I<BR>am the all-knowing, merciless god of your universe. If I ask you where<BR>you are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the<BR>whole truth and nothing but the truth. I have a shotgun, a shovel, and five<BR>acres behind the house. Do not trifle with me.<P>Rule Ten: Be afraid. Be very afraid. It takes very little for me to<BR>mistake the sound of your car in the driveway for a chopper coming<BR>in over a rice paddy outside of Hanoi. When my Agent Orange starts<BR>acting up, the voices in my head frequently tell me to clean the guns<BR>as I wait for you to bring my daughter home. As soon as you pull into<BR>the driveway you should exit your car with both hands in plain sight.<BR>Speak the perimeter password, announce in a clear voice that you have<BR>brought my daughter home safely and early, then return to your car --<BR>there is no need for you to come inside. The camouflaged face at the<BR>window is mine.<BR>

ebd10<P> GREAT post i am not a father but if i was i would be thinking everything you just posted i have seen some of the boys now days and i think no way would they get near my daughter if i had one.back when i was a teenager every boy just wore jeans that actually fit.

Be careful what you wish for. I told my daughter some of these same rules when she was very young (in jest, of course) and it scared her so bad, she didn't date until her sophomore year in college. A college at least 2 hours from home- and she called to make sure I was at home when she went out, so she wouldn't inadvertantly run into me in the bushes while she was on a date. Man, that was the toughest year of my life. Now, my little girl lives much closer and I get to "enlighten" her boyfriends in person. I guess she figures if they can't stand up to the old man, they probably aren't worth dating anyway. Who says college doesn't make a kid smart? - Sheister

Rule #11-<P>Never brag you were a track star or can run faster than my daughter in any way. I'm likely to kick you in the kneecap to slow you down a bit. If you are out somewhere you aren't supposed to be and you run into the wrong kind of people, I expect my daughter to outrun you so you get your a** kicked and all my daughter gets is a great story to tell later, hopefully to the nearest policeman.

ebd10. Brrr, your 10 points give me the chills. You see about 40 years ago I stole a Roseville girl from her dad. He made many similar points to me. Just some time lapses -- instead of Vietnam, he was a 3rd Army vet; from Kasserine Pass to Monte Casino. We later became good friends; but only after the nuptials at Sacred Heart and the two grandsons came along .... What a great guy, I miss him. Next time I'm back I'm good for a round at the K of C in his honor. 1B

Super job!!! My little princess turned 15 last week and I'm ready to do battle with ANY son of a gun who doesn't measure up. My five younger sisters have all told her the story about my throwing one of her aunt's dates through the front door! (Of course I gave him a chance to leave first-he just didn't move fast enough!!!) Remember when they were in diapers and we couldn't wait for them to grow up and everyone told you that babys wer the easy stage? Happy Parenting. Doug

You guys are starting to scare me. My daughters are 5 and 3. I just hope their brother (10 months) grows up quickly so he can "pre-select" suitors for his sisters before they show up at my front door. <P><g><P>------------------<BR>Stush<p>[This message has been edited by Stush (edited June 19, 2001).]