My ex's dad died today. We've not seen, or said a word to each other for over 2 years. I feel I should attend his funeral to pay my respects, but don't want a scene. After all, he was my F.I.L. for 25 years. I guess the question is, should I go, or blow it off? The ex's family don't seem to have much use for me, except for her brother. We're still friends..... My boys will both attend grampa's funeral.

If you can just go, sign the register, and sit in the back and leave after the service. Don't have to attend the reception. While they may not have much use for you her brother does and I suspect that the others will, at least, appreciate the gesture.

Funerals are for the living. If your not wanted, stay home and maybe send flowers.

BP...

What do your boys think of your attendance and it's reception from "the other side"?

I would pay a visit to your ex beforhand and ask her if it would be OK to attend with your boys. If she would rather you wouldn't, give her your respects and sorrow in your father-in-laws passing and wish her well.


Phil

Go.

That's good.

If you and your ex-brother-in-law on still on good terms, just ask him.

He may be able to tell you right away, or may check with your ex.

I'd use him as your gauge. If he says your ex has strong feelings one way or the other, you'll know. She may feel honored that you'd like to attend.

As somebody else said, if you do attend, just stay low profile, pay your respects, and move along. A small footprint is probably your best balance on this one.

Except I would think about calling rather than a face to face.

Go drunk.

Stay at home unless a family member takes the initiative and requests that you go. You are no longer part of that family even though your children are.

Paying a 'visit' to mother dearest is outta the question. I already called. She let her message machine take the condolence call, 'cause she'll not be bothered with ANY kind of contact..... The boys and nieces/nephews are cool with me going.

Her family can't contact me. I kinda fell off the edge of the earth......grin

In that case, the hassle is not worth it.

You called, you did your duty.

Let the brother and nieces/nephews know that you send your condolences, but just won't be able to attend.

You don't need to burn your bridges with the whole family, but if she doesn't want you around, then I wouldn't want to BE around.

Hey,....unless they're burying him tomorrow AM,.... sleep on it, get up early and go wander around that beautiful lurk you abide in.

Don't CHASE the answer, let it come to ya'.

Tough call, My ex's family thinks I'm the Anti-Christ, so That's the best call I've got.

GTC

By even posting the question tells me you had somewhat of a good relationship with Pops. Go....you only get one chance with this dance. To heck with everyone else. (except the boys of course)

With all due respect to the solemnity of the OP,

ROTFLMAO

We oughta' start some sorta' consulting business,....

GTC

Greg, I'm not 'chasing', just wanting to know how my 'betters' on the 'fire would handle it. I damn sure ain't smart on these things. Hence the divorce.....

If the boys really want you there, and it's important to them, then go.

Otherwise, I'd just wait until it's over, visit the gravesite and say farewell in private.

Great advice! Your a wise man Greygost.

I'm surely not one of the "betters on the fire" but I had the same experience almost 12 years ago. I didn't attend. And I have regretted it....it wasn't his fault she grew up to be a bitch.

That's what I was thinking.

If they have visitation at the funeral home a day or two before the funeral, you might be able to slip in, sign the register, say your goodbyes and drop a card in the basket. They'll know you were there and unless the ex is there at the same time you can do it on your own terms.

Betters? Ignore my post then.

Hope it works out good for you. Tough situation to be in, but I'm sure you'll play it well.

I went for my daughters and my ex-wife with whom I remained (and still remain) friends. Her current husband got bent out of shape, but I figured that was his problem, not mine. If my ex had asked me (or had someone relay the message) not to come, I would have respected her wishes.

I think you should go - and think you will be glad you did.

Also think the family will be glad you came.

Go to the Funeral home before the big service and sign the guest book.

Shows you care without much effort and probably won't have to run into anyone.

Go. You're not paying your respects to the family, you are paying them to your FIL...

What ingwe said. My thoughts exactly.

John

Flowers, and a card - visit surreptitiously, if you will. No need to disrupt the ceremonies.

Mark

oldtrapper is also oldundertaker.

Your boys need their father's support. Go.

Your ex brotherinlaw is a friend. Go.

The deceased was a friend. Go.

I've never seen a funeral where everyone was friends with everyone. Go.

Death is a common denominator. If ya go with the right intentions and someone acts like a horse's azz, it is on them. Go.

Go, you will otherwise regret it. Your question tells me so.

Very well said. I'd go because once I didn't and ever since I've wished I had. It's not about you and HER. Just don't sit next to HER in the family section and you'll be fine.

Left condolence message with bil's home phone, he's been with his mom all day. Talked to sil and she'd like to see me, so maybe it wouldn't be too outta line to go. I find it ironic that the ex was outta town with the 'worlds most interesting man', and reason for our divorce. Sil beat her back to town from Helena by a full day, as she won't get back until tomorrow. That's the update, appreciate all the feedback, fellers. Unless mother dearest wishes otherwise, I'll probably go. They're setting it up for tuesday to allow time for the outta town relatives to show up.

Go is the true answer too IMHO. Has nothign to do with the ex at all, but with the relationship you had with the FIL.

Best of luck though, I'll keep you in thoughts and prayers, my condolences and to those family members also.

Jeff

thanks,jeff

Strength, Wisdom, and Love go with thee, Mister.

...travel safe.

GTC

thanks

I'd rather go and have it potentially be a bit uncomfortable than not go and regret it for the rest of your life.

I chose not to go to a funeral about five years ago and frequently regret it. Sucks!!

I say go.....

I believe I would go pay my respect with my hat in my hand. Kinda hard to see how that could go wrong...Best wishes with this and sorry for your families loss...

It seems as if drama is in your future, I would not go. You made your attempt.

I'm still of this thought.

I don't see the huge pull of funerals anyway.

I knew somebody while they were alive, and enjoyed that time. I'm content with those memories.

A few good thoughts to the family members that still care about you would be plenty for me. A physical presence at a funeral is nothing.

So often, I wonder why we even have funerals. My wife & I have it in our wills... no funeral, and cremation. I just can't understand the fascination with funerals....

Same situation happened to me in 1998. I arrived sat in the back and after the service ex and family came over and thanked me for attending. It was 300 mile drive one way. Honor the FIL you knew for so many years. I'm sure you had some fun times with him.

In the eyes of the family of the dead fellow, you will be wrong.
So do what you think is best.

Jim

I would go... It's between you and him - nobody else.. as someone else wrote it's not his fault the marrige went south..

Go to the funeral if you feel you must. Sit somewhere inconspicuous, go away when it's over.

My dad truly despised only 2 people in this world, former S.I.L. was one of them. When dad passed 3 yrs ago, former S.I.L. felt the need to show up and then hang around. Had my grandma not been close enough to hear, the unwanted former S.I.L. have gotten the earful she deserved from me. Grandma wouldn't have minded the tell off, but I'd have cursed and THAT grandma will not abide.

Go, pay your respects and if somebody tries to cause a scene just walk away. Better than regretting not going.

I'd second that motion.

That's the way I am leaning.

Attend.

Conduct yourself with class and honor.

Don't get baited into any old issues that still burn deep.

Walk away if it gets too dramatic.

A short attendance is likely best anyways. Polite, hat in hand.

The kids and no doubt more than a few others will be glad you attended.

Actually these are things I doubt I have to mention, as I have noted the manner in which you conduct yourself here.

Good luck my friend.

I would go. My kids would sit with the family and I would be as far away as possible and still be able to see. I wouldn't hide, but at the same time I would not engage in social dialogue with anyone. Go, pay your respects to the dead, be respectful of the living by keeping your distance,and leave as soon as it's over.

never was much good at 'social dialogue', anyhoo....

Stay home and say a prayer

That is a tough one all right. I think communication with the ex before the funeral expressing your condolences, and asking if it would be all right to attend, would be the best route to go. Good luck -- and my condolences.

This one!

To hell with the ex or her thoughts. The man was family for 25 years and from what I'm getting was a good man. Sounds to me like he deserves your presence/ respects.

You've always struck me as a family man who conducts himself with decorum so I have no doubts you will do great and the family will appreciate your sentiments.

As said above. Lay low and don't linger when it's over unless invited.

Yeah, just trying to add a bit of levity to an otherwise somber situation.

"Somber" or sober?
Mark

did the funeral gig today. I emailed the ex the tuther day, expressed my desire to pay my respects, and told her if I wasn't wanted around by either her, or anyone in her family, that I would obligingly bow out. Of course she wouldn't respond, but told both my boys to tell me to come. Permission granted was evidently unanimous...The whole fam damily acted about half glad that I showed. In the hug line afterwards, I actually got to squeeze my girl and tell her I was sorry about the loss of ol' dad. Her hair doesn't smell the same as it did 3 years ago.....grin Lover-boy was conspicuously absent from the proceedings, and that probably saved me a trip to the pokey. Dang. And I was fixing to go all Chuck Norris on his sorry ass, if he attended.......thank for the advice, guys.

Sorry, Mike. It was just too early of a service to use yours......

Glad all turned out well.

You done good.

Don, glad you decided to go, because you would've regretted it if you hadn't.

Ya done good. Glad it was all OK.



It is amazing how back burner a lot of things can become when there is a death.

Not everything, just a lot of things.

I guess you didn't understand me!

Glad it worked out OK, and sorry for the loss of a friend.

Your quiet going and temperate attitude will speak volumes to all who see and know. He was your f-i-l for 25 years. We can live for the future but cannot erase he past. Your f-i-l won't know/ care but the rest of the family will see a man estranged but big enough to pay respect to those he's estranged from.

Glad you decided to go.
Glad there wasn't a wrassle.