So, in Bute Montana back in the days of the copper mining boom. There is this wake in the house, the men are drinking whisky, and smoking cigars in the kitchen, and run out of chairs. So they close the casket, lean it on the wall and use the chairs to sit on.

The priest walks in, and says, This is a sacrilege, I need three chairs for the corpse. "Hip, Hip, Hooray, Hip, Hip Hooray, Hip, Hip Hooray."

You know the difference between an Irish funeral and an Irish wake?

One less drunk.

Fellow on his death bed wakes to a beautiful morning and the smell of baking chocolate chip cookies. With great difficulty he manages to sit up. A gentle breeze wafts in through the open window and he can hear birds singing and smell the roses outside the window. He struggles to stand and shuffle ever so slowly down the hall. In the kitchen his wife is just putting the next batch of cookies in the oven. He stumbles a little before he can stabilize himself against the kitchen counter as he reaches for a warm cookie.

Just as his hand reaches the cookie platter his wife slaps his hand "Those are for the Funeral!"

When the Rush drummer was gettin to the end, the doctor told the family he was pert near dead.

Sorry, I don't know any Furnal jokes...

True Story. I wont use their real names, so I'll call them Joe and Jim. Joe told me this story, while Jim was standing there, and Jim said it was true.

In our part of the south, the black folks have their own funeral homes. Jim and Joe were black brothers. Years ago the local black funeral home was a house with some of the walls removed and curtains hung to provide some privacy. Jim and Joe's auntie had passed away and they were holding the wake at the funeral home. Now down here, the blacks don't get in any hurry to bury the dead, wakes usually last a week, sometimes more.

At this time, I need to do a little explaining. Years ago, the bottom of caskets had 2 bottoms. The front, where the top of the body was placed, had a spring between the bottoms and the inner bottom was hinged.. There was a lever on the side of the casket, that you pulled, that would release the bottom and the spring would raise the body up at the waist for viewing during the funeral. The funeral directors would pull the lever while pushing down on the false bottom to keep the body from raising too quickly. Funeral goers viewed the body from their seats instead of filing by the casket, as is now the custom. Once the viewing was over, they would push the false bottom down, engage the latch, and close the lid.

Anyway, Jim was in a curtained off area with just a couple of chairs and the open casket, with his auntie in it. He was carrying on, "Oh, Auntie, why did you have to leave us. We loved you so. Don't know how we's gonna make it without you. Oh Auntie! Oh Auntie." Sobbing and crying something terrible, according to brother Joe.

All of a sudden there was a startled cry, a crashing of chairs, and Jim hollered out, "Lay back down you b!tch or I'll cut yo throat! Lay down I says!" Joe and others ran into the curtained off area and there was Jim, backed up against a wall, with his knife in his hand, ready to go to war. The casket was open and the body was about half in and half out.

All anyone could figure was the someone had accidentally brushed up against the lever thru the curtain and the spring was strong enough to throw the body up, thus startling the [bleep] out of Jim.


I's got another one Joe told me about a church if anyone is interested.

Sure, why not?

They're just like urnal jokes but shorter.

Without me to make fun of, what would some of you do for internment?

Skip to the last paragraph of this obit.

https://www.dignitymemorial.com/obituaries/rome-ga/donald-unsworth-4371599

I didn't know the guy personally, but know a couple of his grandsons.

I thought it might be short for “female urinal” 😮

Ok, Joe told me this story about a church that's a couple miles, through the woods, from where I live. I remember them doing the work, but I didn't know why.

This church was a small frame building that was set on blocks. Just a one room church with a door on the opposite end of the building from the pulpit, like most churches are. No air conditioning, just ceiling fans and those great big windows for air circulation.

Anyway, it was summertime, they were having a funeral and the preacher had the congregation really stirred up. They was a shouting, praying, clapping hands, and stomping the feet, had the small church building a shaking. All of a sudden the latch gave on the casket, the body shot up and almost out on the floor. Joe said you could have heard the screams a mile away, pandemonium set in and people started pushing and shoving, jumping over the pews, what ever it took to get out the one door.

The preacher shot out from behind the pulpit and headed for the door, but got knocked down. Picked himself up and took off for the door just to get knocked down, again. Got up, looked around, and as he jumped out one of the windows shouted, "Damn a church with just one door".

A few days later they cut a hole in the wall, installed a door and steps, directly behind the pulpit.

Dad and I wired an outside light and switch for the new door.

Used to live 15 miles North of there. Beautiful country

You are the gift that keeps on giving.

Was a pallbearer, one of36, at a fairly well liked friend, the priest, another mutual friend, was talking about how many lives the deceased had touched.

"When I look at the pallbearers and all the honorary pallbearers I don't see an honest face in the bunch!"

Sure miss Father Caviglia

36 pallbearers?

How big a feller was he?

You all are bringing some bad juju and karma down on yourselves and those around you in your life also.



Just saying...
IMO.

He wan't so big - Just tall, tha'ss all.

What do you call the pallbearers at a Tulsa funeral?

Karaoke

I had to burn a vacation day one time, little old mrs Annabelle at church wanted 6 pall bearers and 6 honorary pallbearers bearers.

Took me going over two supervisors and finally the general mgr to get the permission ok’ing the last minute request for vacation leave.

Apparently a lot of dumbfûcks who live in the city and watch the Bachelor and the masked singer have no damn clue about common funeral traditions

Dumbfück bliss of never going to any funerals must be numbing. They had never heard of honorary pall bearers.

I go to about 5-6 funerals a year.

The Clown died -

All his friends went to the funeral in one car.

Umm, could you be mistaken? Bakersfield funeral?

A man cheats on his girlfriend Lorraine with a woman named Clearly.
Lorraine dies suddenly.
At the funeral, the man stands up and sings, "I can see Clearly now, Lorraine is gone."

A taxi passenger tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him a question.
The driver screamed, lost control of the car, nearly hit a bus, went up on the footpath, and stopped centimeters from a shop window.
For a second everything went quiet in the cab, then the driver said, "Look mate, don’t ever do that again. You scared the daylights out of me!"
The passenger apologized and said, "I didn’t realize that a little tap would scare you so much."
The driver replied, "Sorry, it’s not really your fault. Today is my first day as a cab driver – I’ve been driving a funeral van for the last 25 years."

It's Game 7 of the Stanley Cup Final, and a man makes his way to his seat right at center ice.
He sits down, noticing that the seat next to him is empty.
He leans over and asks his neighbor if someone will be sitting there.
"No" says the neighbor.
"The seat is empty."
"This is incredible," said the man.
"Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the Stanley Cup and not use it?"
The neighbor says, "Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away.
This is the first Stanley Cup we haven't been to together since we got married."
"Oh, I'm so sorry to hear that.
That's terrible...
But couldn't you find someone else, a friend or relative, or even a neighbor to take the seat?"
The man shakes his head.
"No,” he says.
“They're all at the funeral."

One Sunday the church is packed and the pastor is delivering his sermon. Halfway through, there is a huge flash of light, a cloud of sulphurous smoke appears and there stands satan himself.
The congregation scatters, crowding the doors, diving out of windows, anything to escape. Except for one old man, who sits quietly staring at the devil.
The devil says, "What's the matter with you, don't you know who I am? Aren't you afraid of me?"
"Nope, I aint scared of you."
"Why not?"
"Hell, I've been married to your sister for 40 years, you don't scare me!"

A man famous for being an outspoken atheist was on his deathbed, and he called for a local preacher to come and visit him. When the clergyman arrived, he asked the man if he had changed his mind an wanted him to pray. "No, I still can't believe, but I do want you to preach my funeral". "Why would you want a preacher to preside at your funeral?" "I've listened to you speak at 20 funerals, and in case I'm wrong, I want somebody to speak over me who has never lost a case yet!"
Jerry

A cemetery dug a grave for a burial the next day. It was raining hard. That night, a drunk left a local bar and cut through the cemetery on his way home. In the dark, he fell into the grave. No matter how he struggled, the soil was so wet that he couldn't get out. He finally sat down in one end and pulled his coat around him to wait until morning.
Pretty soon another drunk did the same thing. He didn't see the 1st drunk in the dark and he was struggling to climb out but couldn't. After watching him for a while, the 1st one finally said 'You'll never get out.' But he did.

Two Irishmen, Sean and Jock had been friends for more than 60 years, Now Jock lay on his deathbed with Sean at his side. Jock turns to Sean and asks "Sean, me boy, when they lay me down in that cold, cold ground I want you to take this bottle of fine old Irish whiskey I've been saving many years and slowly pour every last drop over me body."

Sean wipes a tear from his eye and says "Aye, Jock and I'll do it. But would you mind if I let it pass through me kidneys first?".

----

Jock finally passed, and his casket was put in the back of the horse cart that served as the local hearse and brought up to the cemetery on the top of the hill. At the top of the hill, the cart hit a pothole and the casket slid out the back and began to pick up speed sliding down the hill. It was going fast as it slid into the door of the local pharmacy. Startled, the pharmacist asked "Can I help you?". Jock sat up and said "Aye, can you give me something to stop me coffin?".

As a golfer was lining up a putt his friend watched a long funeral procession wind by on the street. "Man, the deceased must have been popular", he remarked.

"She was a good woman", replied the golfer.

"How well did you know her?"

"We would have been married 50 years next week,"

Cemeteries are pretty popular.

People are dieing to get in!


—Dad

Always heard it as a question....."Why is there a fence around the cemetery?"

FOUND ON SOME TOMBSTONES...

There was a fellow named Bill
Who took an atomic pill.
His navel corroded,
And his azzhole exploded,
And they found his nuts in Brazil.

He found one, and took it to bed,
And then in chagrin he dropped dead,
For that spiraling snatch
Is never a match...
The damned thing had a left-handed thread!

An elderly man's wife passed and the family and friends were at the graveside service. At the end of the service just after the minister said "Amen" there was a clap of thunder in the distance. The old man said, "well, she's arrived"!

Back in the day when Motocross racing was a big thing a friend of ours passed away. Another friend showed up wearing a white dress shirt with a tee shirt under it that said "do it in the dirt"! There were a few comments!

Here lies Les Moore
4 slugs from a .44
No less
No more.

I always heard it as...

Here lies the body of Les Moore
4 magazines from a .44
No less
No more.
Rest in Pieces