Lol...
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A Plea to the Hackers of Cheating Site Ashley Madison, From A Non-Cheater, Who Definitely Did Not Use Ashley Madison For Cheating
Yesterday, AshleyMadison.com, an obviously totally disgusting dating site that helps married people cheat, was hacked by a group threatening to expose the personal information of over thirty-seven million users, including “secret sexual fantasies and matching credit card transactions, real names and addresses” unless the site is taken down. Wow, if I was an Ashley Madison user I would be extremely angry about this security breach. Luckily, I’m not, so I’m not angry. But I would obviously have a right to be. But I’m not.
For instance, what if someone had just recently started trying Ashley Madison for the first time, almost just as a goof, and hadn’t even really done anything that could technically count as “sex” with someone other than their wife but instead was trying things that they knew their wife would never be down for. Take a totally random person. Maybe he’s been married for a few years – let’s say twelve and a half – and he has a few glasses of vino verde one night and starts clickin’ around and finds himself in a space where he suddenly feels uninhibited enough to bring up “horse play,” which is sex revolving around horse role play. Could you describe that man as happier after he finally gets saddled up and horse-shoed and ridden around the “stables” to show off his pretty gait? I don’t know, because that’s not me. But what if that person’s private information was exposed? Doesn’t that seem unfair to you??
If it were me I would be pretty devastated at the prospect of having to recede once more into vanilla, hay-free sex for the rest of my life. I have no personal investment in this whole thing but it almost feels personal because it’s such an affront to all of us.
And this is all because some prude, uptight hackers, who wouldn’t know a good metal bit if it was shoved into their mouths and attached to a bridle and yanked on, want to shut down a website. A website? What harm can a website do?? The whole thing seems laughably silly to me. That’s my general mood right now – carefree laughter at this silly, nutty, goofy, non-horse situation.
Listen, if these hackers or Stephanie or whoever else want to say, “Oh, you can’t name yourself Pepper – that’s a girl horse’s name” then they’re obviously repressed and they’re the ones with the problem, not the curious, brave, take-life-by-the-reins users of Ashley Madison.
If I was even slightly concerned about any of this I would probably throw a hail-mary and just plead with the hackers to please please not publish any more information or get Ashley Madison taken down because it would be like the end of Awakenings. But I mean, whatevs.
