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RMiller, something to consider although it may not apply to your son. BUT, it is not unusual for "basement dwelling" adults to consciously, or subconsciously, have the mind-set, "Well, one of these days, mom and dad will be dead, and I will have everything here. Then I can move upstairs and play my video games in a more comfortable setting."

Just a thought.

L.W.

I might have missed it, but does he have a job?




P

Lived at my parents until almost 25.


Cut wood, brought it in, gardens, mowed, worked on Dad,s projects…started driving long haul at 21, so I wasn’t there much, and owning a home I’d not see didn’t make much sense. Me living there was a plus for them.


Helped buy a cheap car and insure it at 16, never a nickel into it after that year. Never bought my clothes or gave me a nickel after high school.



OP, this Boarder might get a bed and food, my own kids wouldn’t get a damn bit more. Nothing, not even cable hook up, WI-FI, or a pair of socks. The free food wouldn’t last long if he doesn’t have a job.



Be prepared to lose your wife if you give her an ultimatum.

Very well... Once he got out into the real world, he grew up. Apple did not fall far from the tree. He can still be a knuckle head at times. But, he has grown and matured into a man. I was proud to simply see him graduate boot. And then to finish out his first 4 years. We were talking on phone today. He mentioned to my wife that he will be the only person he knows in his HS graduating class to be retiring at age 39...

I don't know....circa 1988

I graduated from tech college on a Sunday
Went to work on Monday
Drove my Mom and Dad's spare vehicle for 6 weeks
Bought my first vehicle at 6 weeks
Worked 4 more weeks before I could secure a rental house....I was 18 years 11 months
Heck...I bought my first house at 25 years old

DB, For me, no issue with a child who lives at home, has a job, helps out around the house, the farm, has a life outside of the house. Have a cousin who never married. Lived with his mom and dad. Took care of them in their later years until they passed. But, he was working, providing, living a normal life. Just did it from home. Church friend did the same. His father was a preacher in small country churches. Minimal earnings and savings. When my friend retired from UPS, he built a new home. Moved mom and dad in up stairs. He had a full bachelor spread in the basement. His father has since passed. He is primary caretaker for his elderly mother and an aunt with some health issues.

But something has definitely changed in the last 40 years. I graduated High School the week I turned 17. Spent a year in college before I ran out of money and started working. Was still out of the house before I turned 19. As were most of my friends. Not sure what changed...

Get him Dr Petersons book and then talk to him about your expectations. A little positive encouragement is usually a good place to start.

I'm a little worried about my kids. My oldest is 11 and still doesn't have a job yet:) He says he wants one but he doesn't understand what it means to actually work. He starts something, discovers it's not fun and then wants to quit. I'm working with him on following through and try to do jobs with him as my health permits so he can see a work pace.

My neighbor came to me about 10 years ago and said his 14 boy wouldn't do anything. I told him sometimes a neighbor can teach a boy to work better than the father due to the dynamic. I hired the kid to help me because I had 5 single family homes I owned and renters were often moving out and always left a ton of yard work and repairs. I worked side by side with him and he learned how to work. I paid him fair but showed him what I expected. He turned in to a good worker and got a real job at 16.

Just don't use a neighbor who will work him to death and pay him very little. Farmer friends of my dad about ruined me as a kid working me into the ground and then not paying me. It made me cynical. He should learn fair pay for fair work so he can maintain his dignity. A lot of 20 somethings still haven't had the opportunity to work and learn what's expected and what's not. It helps for them to have a goal to motivate them too.

Bb

Got a buddy I went to high school with that still lives at his parents. 34 years old. Went to college for a while. Don’t know if he ever actually got a degree. Then wasn’t in school and was doing NADA. Went back to get his process technology certification or whatever it is. Got a job… but not process technology. He was working at a pet boarding facility. Said WAS, because he is no longer there. Pretty sure he got fired… he claims he put his 2 weeks notice in and they said don’t come back. 2 weeks notice for what? You didn’t have another job lined up.

He had a girlfriend, met her twice. She was not ugly, good looking woman. Of course when he didn’t get his crap together and she realized he is a 34 year old living at his parents making nothing of himself… she broke up with him. He has the schedule of a raccoon. I will call him when I’m in town and it will be 2pm and I will wake him up. Stays up all night doing god knows what. Isn’t active, has health problems because of it. Uses the health problems as an excuse to why he is laid up and can’t work. You see the cycle?

I was 21, living at my parents, college wasn’t my thing, but had a job at a local RC hobby shop. Pretty similar to my buddy above who again was the same age as me. Dad came to me one day and said “I get college isn’t for everyone, that’s fine. But you are getting a real job and you have 6 months to be on your own feet.”

4 months later, 2010, I was headed to Army basic training. 14 years later and I will probably retire after my 20 years before my buddy even gets out of his parents house.

Let your son read this. I didn’t get past the first page before typing this. Don’t know the details. But if he doesn’t read this and realize it’s time to do something with his life… well you have a problem.

OP, where are you in Montana?
Not that I can help, but am curious as I know of another similar situation in the Bitteroot.

My neighbors kid was diagnosed with autism at about 23 or 24. He had recently got married and that didn't last more than a few months. Parents got him in for some help and found out he had a few challenges they weren't even aware of.

It made complete sense to me when I heard it because I'd always found it difficult to have a conversation with the kid. He seemed completely normal until you talked to him. He got a job with a friend of mine doing sprinkler systems and was a good worker as long as he didn't have to talk to anyone.

Bb

I got married at 20 and hauled ass

Yes.

Encourage the 24 yr old male to focus more, try to coach him along with incentives, and maybe have him read a self help book from a drug-addled, psycho, babble gaffer.

I am sure he will straighten up in no time!


jfc

I was paying $500 mo when I was 18 in 1978!!!!

whats the back story? what do YOU think is the reason hes still home? I have a cousin that is similar, although hes 32. His deal was, he went to university of IL got invovled in the party scene and ended up getting kicked off campus, got addicted to drugs, went through rehab and finally got clean, but hes dead scared to live on his own because he fears relapse. If there is something like that going on, its a little different than if he is just being lazy

My kids weren’t too fired up about a job until they understood it wasn’t an option. After a couple of paychecks, they were all onboard. Sometimes they just need a little push.

I lived with my folks into my early 30's, BUT I paid rent, contributed to utility and grocery bills. I at the time just worked 2 jobs and slept. Little to no desire to socialize. Had honest conversation with my folks and said I could move out and pay someone else the money, or stay there and give them some cash. Ultimately ended up working well for all 3 of us. 20 years later (having moved out, then out of state), I moved back in and bought the house off Dad and he didn't have to move his stuff and stayed with us until he passed. NY boys are welcome to stay as ling as they want, but at 18 and or done with school, they will contribute financially.

You just described my buddy I referenced in my post above. Almost exactly.

My other buddies and I have been the ones who tell him the hard truth. Didnt change anything.

One buddy works with tree crews and the such, told him “7am Monday be at my house you ride with me and we work.” He never showed… had some excuse.

Other buddy deals with large companies recycling waste. Compactor bins, pickup… stuff like that. Said he could get him a job. Never even applied.

I could make some phone calls and get him 3 or 4 jobs… but I’m not sticking my neck out for him when I know the outcome.

Now here I am, hijacking a thread just to vent my frustration about the situation!

This is an easy one.Find a fat single woman his age with a good job and home . Pay him to date her. Supply the condoms. Poke holes in the condoms with a needle. Let nature do the rest. If she is really ugly, you will have to buy the alcohol.

EVERY man (or woman) has HOPES and DREAMS...

Discovered... or yet to be discovered...

The modern world is infinity confusing (Trust me on that)...

Ask the nature of their HOPES and DREAMS...

Expect it to take weeks... or months for an answer.

Offer ANYTHING... for their HOPES and DREAMS...

ANYTHING...

I would give anything... everything...

For one more hour... for my son to find his hopes and dreams.

EVERYTHING...