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Joined: Sep 2010
Posts: 41,560 Likes: 8
Campfire 'Bwana
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OP
Campfire 'Bwana
Joined: Sep 2010
Posts: 41,560 Likes: 8 |
After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to the local grocery store. Unfortunately, like most men; I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunate, my wife is like most women - she loves to browse. Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter, from the local store manager:
Dear Mrs. Harris:
Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion, in our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to, ban both of you from the store.
Our complaints against your husband, Mr. Harris, are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras:
1. June 15: He took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other people's carts when they weren't looking.
2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.
3. July 7: He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women's restroom.
4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, 'Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away'. This caused the employee to leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her Supervisor that in turn resulted with a union grievance, causing management to lose time and costing the company money. We don't have a Code 3.
5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&Ms on layaway.
6. August 14: Moved a, 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.
7. August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the children shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department to which twenty children obliged.
8. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?' EMTs were called.
9. September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.
10. September 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.
11. October 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while, loudly humming the, 'Mission Impossible' theme.
12. October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his, 'Madonna Look' using different sizes of funnels.
13. October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'
14. October 22: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed a fetal position and screamed; 'OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!'
15. Took a box of condoms to the checkout clerk and asked where is the fitting room?
And last, but not least:
16. October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile; then yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's no toilet paper in here.' One of the clerks passed out.
Townlife Magazine
Make Gitmo Great Again!! Who gave the order to stop counting votes in the swing states on the night of November 3/4, 2020?
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Joined: Dec 2019
Posts: 17,192 Likes: 12
Campfire Ranger
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Campfire Ranger
Joined: Dec 2019
Posts: 17,192 Likes: 12 |
I though you mailed to your wife cause you had gotten bored of the grocery store's hunting department even though the meatloaf-pult is almost as much fun as the trebolone`....
Last edited by OldmanoftheSea; 03/15/24.
-OMotS
"If memory serves fails me..." Quote: ( unnamed) "been prtty deep in the cooler todaay " Television and radio are most effective when people question little and think even less.
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Joined: Feb 2010
Posts: 15,692 Likes: 1
Campfire Ranger
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Campfire Ranger
Joined: Feb 2010
Posts: 15,692 Likes: 1 |
My wife didn’t think it was as funny as I did. 😁
NRA Life,Endowment,Patron or Benefactor since '72.
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Joined: Nov 2018
Posts: 17,029 Likes: 6
Campfire Ranger
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Campfire Ranger
Joined: Nov 2018
Posts: 17,029 Likes: 6 |
Outstanding synopsis, DMc
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Joined: Jan 2010
Posts: 10,731 Likes: 1
Campfire Outfitter
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Campfire Outfitter
Joined: Jan 2010
Posts: 10,731 Likes: 1 |
Some good chuckles,,,thanks
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Joined: Dec 2013
Posts: 44,362 Likes: 7
Campfire 'Bwana
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Campfire 'Bwana
Joined: Dec 2013
Posts: 44,362 Likes: 7 |
Slaves get what they need. Free men get what they want. Rehabilitation is way overrated. Orwell wasn't wrong. GOA member disappointed NRA member 24HCF SEARCH
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Joined: Nov 2015
Posts: 14,665 Likes: 3
Campfire Outfitter
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Campfire Outfitter
Joined: Nov 2015
Posts: 14,665 Likes: 3 |
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Joined: Apr 2011
Posts: 69,244 Likes: 10
Campfire Kahuna
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Campfire Kahuna
Joined: Apr 2011
Posts: 69,244 Likes: 10 |
"Allways speak the truth and you will never have to remember what you said before..." Sam Houston Texans, "We say Grace, We Say Mam, If You Don't Like it, We Don't Give a Damn!"
~Molɔ̀ːn Labé Skýla~
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Joined: Feb 2021
Posts: 4,280 Likes: 1
Campfire Tracker
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Campfire Tracker
Joined: Feb 2021
Posts: 4,280 Likes: 1 |
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Joined: Jul 2005
Posts: 6,879 Likes: 1
Campfire Tracker
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Campfire Tracker
Joined: Jul 2005
Posts: 6,879 Likes: 1 |
was a kid my Grandfather would take my Grandmother to the store and wait in the car. I am now my Grandfather.
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Joined: Aug 2004
Posts: 69,650 Likes: 12
Campfire Kahuna
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Campfire Kahuna
Joined: Aug 2004
Posts: 69,650 Likes: 12 |
I'd get my wife in the produce section of the supermarket and tell her to "come look at these!" And lead her to the cucumbers and grab a small one in one hand, and a huge one in the other, and wag them up and down and ask her which one do you want!? LOL... That'd embarrass the hell out of her. Especially if there were other shoppers around!
Molɔ̀ːn Labé Skýla!
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Joined: Dec 2002
Posts: 14,228 Likes: 1
Campfire Outfitter
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Campfire Outfitter
Joined: Dec 2002
Posts: 14,228 Likes: 1 |
If he were a real man he wouldn't let his wife force him to go shopping with her. He would tell her to go by herself.
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Joined: Sep 2014
Posts: 21,813 Likes: 2
Campfire Ranger
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Campfire Ranger
Joined: Sep 2014
Posts: 21,813 Likes: 2 |
I've never done those, good ideas.
If you ever put your cart in line at the checkout, then go shopping for more, you will end up with more. If I'm behind you.
Folks have been known to find candy bars, and whatever else is for sale within easy reach.
Scotty,
My Pap was the same, never understood it. No I do!
Recently I've really been trying. The kids aren't with her much, so I tag along. To give her company, and to work on my patience with people. Only 54, and it's gotten bad. Too much I won't do because of crowds. Stuff I would like to do.
Last edited by Dillonbuck; 03/16/24.
Parents who say they have good kids..Usually don't!
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Joined: Jun 2009
Posts: 3,978 Likes: 2
Campfire Tracker
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Campfire Tracker
Joined: Jun 2009
Posts: 3,978 Likes: 2 |
Run the cart into her heels a few times, you’ll soon be banned from shopping.
"I was born in the log cabin I helped my grandfather build"
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Joined: Sep 2006
Posts: 3,844
Campfire Tracker
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Campfire Tracker
Joined: Sep 2006
Posts: 3,844 |
If I let my wife go grocery shopping by herself, the only snacks we have are kale and celery sticks…….
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Joined: Feb 2001
Posts: 8,756 Likes: 4
Campfire Outfitter
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Campfire Outfitter
Joined: Feb 2001
Posts: 8,756 Likes: 4 |
Best laugh I had in quite awhile!😀 Thanks for posting. Hope you don’t mind me stealing it to pass on to some friends!
"Preserving the Constitution, fighting off the nibblers and chippers, even nibblers and chippers with good intentions, was once regarded by conservatives as the first duty of the citizen. It still is." � Wesley Pruden
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Joined: Apr 2011
Posts: 151,716 Likes: 14
Campfire Savant
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Campfire Savant
Joined: Apr 2011
Posts: 151,716 Likes: 14 |
I don’t hardly shop with Wifey, fug that
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Joined: Feb 2001
Posts: 8,756 Likes: 4
Campfire Outfitter
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Campfire Outfitter
Joined: Feb 2001
Posts: 8,756 Likes: 4 |
Not groceries especially. Like most men I get in and get what I’m after, and get out. I would occasionally visit a mall or big department store and browse around. We often did bookstores together. I’d browse history she’d look at cookbooks or fiction. I don’t mind it very much but Penny was known to linger in shoes.😀 She’s another one with dozens of pairs!😀 Reon
"Preserving the Constitution, fighting off the nibblers and chippers, even nibblers and chippers with good intentions, was once regarded by conservatives as the first duty of the citizen. It still is." � Wesley Pruden
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Joined: Sep 2011
Posts: 60,878 Likes: 10
Campfire Kahuna
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Campfire Kahuna
Joined: Sep 2011
Posts: 60,878 Likes: 10 |
These premises insured by a Sheltie in Training ,--- and Cooey.o "May the Good Lord take a likin' to you"
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Joined: Jan 2001
Posts: 59,161 Likes: 2
Campfire Kahuna
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Campfire Kahuna
Joined: Jan 2001
Posts: 59,161 Likes: 2 |
My wife didn’t think it was as funny as I did. 😁 I was also wondering if I should print that out and tell my wife, "hey, you should see THIS!!" I'm still quicker than she..
Ex- USN (SS) '66-'69 Pro-Constitution. LET'S GO BRANDON!!!
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