Home Forums Hunting & Shooting Hunter's Campfire Thanks Chuck Norris!

My ribs hurt from reading some of these! A few more, admittedly stolen from the web.



Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.

Chuck Norris can speak Braille.

Superman wears Chuck Norris pajamas.

Geico saved 15% by switching to Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris' cowboy boots are made from real cowboys

That's funny.

I knew a guy that liked Chuck so much that when his wife had twins he named one Chuck and the other Norris. Unfortunately the reason I knew him was Social Services were fixing to take custody of the kids. True story. Too bad.

OMFG!


tks boys I needed this after pretty well poppin a vessel on one of the political threads!


laughter really is the best medicine,


but I'd best get my azz to bed


i don't wanna find out what Chuck Norris thinks about guys that are late for work cause they stayed up too late on the web!

Forgot to add earlier: my hat's off to Chuck for helping you guys out. Very cool. That said, a real friend would have sent Christie over to demonstrate the machine's capabilities. Dig a bit deeper, Chuck. It's the patriotic thing to do, after all!

Missed this one first time around. Wish I hadn't seen it at all: I now need a doctor. Stat. I broke sumptin' for sure giggling at that...

L

Chuck Norris doesnt pray to god everynite...its the other way around....

Chuck Norris can divide by zero.

Chuck Norris....

awe forget it, I can't compete with this material LMAO!!

Scott,

you're killin' me here. funny

Guns don't kill people. Chuck Norris kills People.

Chuck Norris has killed more men than death

"my two beautiful sons, Walker and Texas Ranger."
---Ricky Bobby

Hurricane Ike is just Chuck Norris practicing round house kicks.

Just go this in an email, what great timing for this thread. Scuse the long post.


When Chuck Norris calls 1-900 numbers, he doesnt get charged. He holds
up
the phone and money falls out.
Chuck Norris once ate a whole cake before his friends could tell him
there
was a stripper in it.
Some people like to eat frogs' legs. Chuck Norris likes to eat lizard
legs. Hence, snakes.
There are no races, only countries of people Chuck Norris has beaten to
different shades of black and blue.
When Chuck Norris was denied an Egg McMuffin at McDonald's because it
was
10:35, he roundhouse kicked the store so hard it became a Wendy's.
Chuck Norris can't finish a "color by numbers" because his markers are
filled with the blood of his victims. Unfortunately, all blood is dark
red.
A Chuck Norris-delivered Roundhouse Kick is the preferred method of
execution in 16 states.
When Chuck Norris falls in water, Chuck Norris doesn't get wet. Water
gets
Chuck Norris.
Scientists have estimated that the energy given off during the Big Bang
is
roughly equal to 1CNRhK (Chuck Norris Roundhouse Kick)
Chuck Norris' house has no doors, only walls that he walks through.
How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could Chuck Norris?
...All of it.
Chuck Norris doesn't actually write books, the words assemble themselves
out of fear.
In honor of Chuck Norris, all McDonald's in Texas have an even larger
size
than the super-size. When ordering, just ask to be
Chuck Norris CAN believe it's not butter.
If tapped, a Chuck Norris roundhouse kick could power the country of
Australia for 44 minutes.
Chuck Norris can divide by zero.
The grass is always greener on the other side, unless Chuck Norris has
been there. In that case the grass is most likely soaked in blood and
tears.
A picture is worth a thousand words. A Chuck Norris is worth 1 billion
words.
Newton's Third Law is wrong: Although it states that for each action,
there is an equal and opposite reaction, there is no force equal in
reaction to a Chuck Norris roundhouse kick.
Chuck Norris invented his own type of karate. It's called
Chuck-Will-Kill.
When an episode of Walker Texas Ranger was aired in France, the French
surrendered to Chuck Norris just to be on the safe side.
While urinating, Chuck Norris is easily capable of welding titanium.
Chuck Norris once sued the Houghton-Mifflin textbook company when it
became apparent that their account of the war of 1812 was plagiarized
from
his autobiography.
When Chuck Norris talks, everybody listens. And dies.
When Steven Seagal kills a ninja, he only takes its hide. When Chuck
Norris kills a ninja, he uses every part.
Wilt Chamberlain claims to have slept with more than 20,000 women in his
lifetime. Chuck Norris calls this "a slow Tuesday."
Contrary to popular belief, there is indeed enough Chuck Norris to go
around.
Chuck Norris doesnt shave; he kicks himself in the face. The only thing
that can cut Chuck Norris is Chuck Norris.
For some, the left testicle is larger than the right one. For Chuck
Norris, each testicle is larger than the other one.
Chuck Norris always knows the EXACT location of Carmen SanDiego.
When taking the SAT, write "Chuck Norris" for every answer. You will
score
over 8000.
Chuck Norris invented black. In fact, he invented the entire spectrum of
visible light. Except pink. Tom Cruise invented pink.
When you're Chuck Norris, anything + anything is equal to 1. One
roundhouse kick to the face.
Chuck Norris has the greatest Poker-Face of all time. He won the 1983
World Series of Poker, despite holding only a Joker, a Get out of Jail
Free Monopoloy card, a 2 of clubs, 7 of spades and a green #4 card from
the game UNO.
On his birthday, Chuck Norris randomly selects one lucky child to be
thrown into the sun.
Nobody doesn't like Sara Lee. Except Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris doesn't throw up if he drinks too much. Chuck Norris throws
down!
In the beginning there was nothing...then Chuck Norris Roundhouse kicked
that nothing in the face and said "Get a job". That is the story of the
universe.
Chuck Norris has 12 moons. One of those moons is the Earth.
Chuck Norris grinds his coffee with his teeth and boils the water with
his
own rage.
Archeologists unearthed an old english dictionary dating back to the
year
1236. It defined "victim" as "one who has encountered Chuck Norris"
Chuck Norris ordered a Big Mac at Burger King, and got one.
Chuck Norris and Mr. T walked into a bar. The bar was instantly
destroyed,
as that level of awesome cannot be contained in one building.
If you Google search "Chuck Norris getting his ass kicked" you will
generate zero results. It just doesn't happen.
Chuck Norris can drink an entire gallon of milk in thirty-seven seconds.
Little known medical fact: Chuck Norris invented the Caesarean section
when he roundhouse-kicked his way out of his monther's womb.
Chuck Norris doesn't bowl strikes, he just knocks down one pin and the
other nine faint.
The show Survivor had the original premise of putting people on an
island
with Chuck Norris. There were no survivors, and nobody is brave enough
to
go to the island to retrieve the footage.
It takes Chuck Norris 20 minutes to watch 60 Minutes.
You know how they say if you die in your dream then you will die in real
life? In actuality, if you dream of death then Chuck Norris will find
you
and kill you.
Chuck Norris has a deep and abiding respect for human life... unless it
gets in his way.
The Bermuda Triangle used to be the Bermuda Square, until Chuck Norris
Roundhouse kicked one of the corners off.
There are no weapons of mass destruction in Iraq, Chuck Norris lives in
Oklahoma.
Chuck Norris doesn't believe in Germany.
When Chuck Norris is in a crowded area, he doesn't walk around people.
He
walks through them.
Chuck Norris once ate an entire bottle of sleeping pills. They made him
blink.
James Cameron wanted Chuck Norris to play the Terminator. However, upon
reflection, he realized that would have turned his movie into a
documentary, so he went with Arnold Schwarzenegger.
Chuck Norris can touch MC Hammer.
Thousands of years ago Chuck Norris came across a bear. It was so
terrified that it fled north into the arctic. It was also so terrified
that all of its decendents now have white hair.
Chuck Norris played Russian Roulette with a fully loaded gun and won.
It takes 14 puppeteers to make Chuck Norris smile, but only 2 to make
him
destroy an orphanage. Chuck Norris is responsible for China's
over-population. He hosted a Karate tournament in Beijing and all women
within 1,000 miles became pregnant instantly.
Some people wear Superman pajamas. Superman wears Chuck Norris pajamas.
Chuck Norris once worked as a weatherman for the San Diego evening news.
Every night he would make the same forecast: Partly cloudy with a 75%
chance of Pain.
Simply by pulling on both ends, Chuck Norris can stretch diamonds back
into coal.
When Chuck Norris does a pushup, he isn't lifting himself up, he's
pushing
the Earth down.
Chuck Norris invented the bolt-action rifle, liquor, sexual intercourse,
and football-- in that order.
A high tide means Chuck Norris is flying over your coast. The tide is
caused by God pissing his pants.
Chuck Norris keeps his friends close and his enemies closer. Close
enough
to drop them with one round house kick to the face.
There is in fact an "I" in Norris, but there is no "team". not even
close.
Scotty in Star Trek often says "Ye cannae change the laws of physics."
This is untrue. Chuck Norris can change the laws of physics. With his
fists.
An anagram for Walker Texas Ranger is KARATE WRANGLER SEX. I don't know
what that is, but it sounds AWESOME.
Chuck Norris doesn't stub his toes. He accidentally destroys chairs,
bedframes, and sidewalks.
Using his trademark roundhouse kick, Chuck Norris once made a fieldgoal
in
RJ Stadium in Tampa Bay from the 50 yard line of Qualcomm stadium in San
Diego.
Chuck Norris roundhouse kicks don't really kill people. They wipe out
their entire existence from the space-time continuum.
Chuck Norris does not own a stove, oven, or microwave , because revenge
is
a dish best served cold.
Tom Clancy has to pay royalties to Chuck Norris because "The Sum of All
Fears" is the name of Chuck Norris' autobiography.
Chuck Norris can slam a revolving door.
Chuck Norris is expected to win gold in every swimming competition at
the
2008 Beijing Olympics, even though Chuck Norris does not swim. This is
because when Chuck Norris enters the water, the water gets out of his
way
and Chuck Norris simply walks across the pool floor.
Chuck Norris built a better mousetrap, but the world was too frightened
to
beat a path to his door.
The original draft of The Lord of the Rings featured Chuck Norris
instead
of Frodo Baggins. It was only 5 pages long, as Chuck roundhouse-kicked
Sauron's ass halfway through the first chapter.
Hellen Keller's favorite color is Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris eats beef jerky and craps gunpowder. Then, he uses that
gunpowder to make a bullet, which he uses to kill a cow and make more
beef
jerky. Some people refer to this as the "Circle of Life."
If, by some incredible space-time paradox, Chuck Norris would ever fight
himself, he'd win. Period.
Chuck Norris is currently suing myspace for taking the name of what he
calls everything around you.
The crossing lights in Chuck Norris's home town say "Die slowly" and
"die
quickly". They each have a picture of Chuck Norris punching or kicking a
pedestrian.
Science Fact: Roundhouse kicks are comprised primarily of an element
called Chucktanium.
The Sherman tank was originaly called the Norris tank until Chuck Norris
decided it wasn't tough enough to be associated with him. The Army, for
fear of Chuck Norris, renamed the tank and promised to develop a weapon
more fitting of his name. To date, no weapon created has been badass
enough to be named after Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris proved that we are alone in the universe. We weren't before
his first space expedition.
Superman once watched an episode of Walker, Texas Ranger. He then cried
himself to sleep.
Chuck Norris doesn't step on toes. Chuck Norris steps on necks.
The movie "Delta Force" was extremely hard to make because Chuck had to
downplay his abilities. The first few cuts were completely unbelievable.
Movie trivia: The movie "Invasion U.S.A." is, in fact, a documentary.
Chuck Norris does not "style" his hair. It lays perfectly in place out
of
sheer terror.
There is no such thing as global warming. Chuck Norris was cold, so he
turned the sun up.
A study showed the leading causes of death in the United States are: 1.
Heart disease, 2. Chuck Norris, 3. Cancer
It's widely believed that Jesus was Chuck Norris' stunt double for
crucifixion due to the fact that it is impossible for nails to pierce
Chuck Norris' skin.
Chuck Norris did in fact, build Rome in a day.
Along with his black belt, Chuck Norris often chooses to wear brown
shoes.
No one has DARED call him on it. Ever.
Anytime someone is elected president in the United States, they must ask
permission from Chuck Norris to live in the White House. The reason for
this is because Chuck Norris had won every Federal, State, and Local
election since 1777. He just allows others to run the country in his
place.
Once you go Norris, you are physically unable to go back.
Ninjas want to grow up to be just like Chuck Norris. But usually they
grow
up just to be killed by Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris once sued Burger King after they refused to put razor wire
in
his Whopper Jr, insisting that that actually is "his" way.
The last thing you hear before Chuck Norris gives you a roundhouse kick?
No one knows because dead men tell no tales.
Chuck Norris doesn't play god. Playing is for children.
As a teen, Chuck Norris had sex with every nun in a convent tucked away
in
the hills of Tuscany. Nine months later the nuns gave birth to the 1972
Miami Dolphins, the only undefeated and untied team in professional
football history.
Chuck Norris is the only person in the world that can actually email a
roundhouse kick.
Chuck Norris won super bowls VII and VIII singlehandedly before
unexpectedly retiring to pursue a career in ass-kicking.
Wo hu cang long. The translation from Mandarin Chinese reads: "Crouching
Chuck, Hidden Norris"
Chuck Norris can set ants on fire with a magnifying glass. At night.
Some kids play Kick the can. Chuck Norris played Kick the keg.
'Icy-Hot' is too weak for Chuck Norris. After a workout, Chuck Norris
rubs
his muscles down with liquid-hot MAGMA.
Chuck Norris cannot love, he can only not kill.
When Chuck Norris was a baby, he didn't suck his mother's breast. His
mother served him whiskey, straight out of the bottle.
According to Einstein's theory of relativity, Chuck Norris can actually
roundhouse kick you yesterday.
Chuck Norris once pulled out a single hair from his beard and skewered
three men through the heart with it.
In an act of great philanthropy, Chuck made a generous donation to the
American Cancer Society. He donated 6,000 dead bodies for scientific
research.
Chuck Norris' favourite cut of meat is the roundhouse.
When J. Robert Oppenheimer said "I am become death, the destroyer Of
worlds", He was not referring to the atomic bomb. He was referring to
the
Chuck Norris halloween costume he was wearing.
Chuck Norris recently had the idea to sell his urine as a canned
beverage.
We know this beverage as Red Bull.
In a recent survey it was discovered the 94% of American women lost
their
virginity to Chuck Norris. The other 6% were incredibly fat or ugly.
Chuck Norris invented a language that incorporates karate and roundhouse
kicks. So next time Chuck Norris is kicking your ass, don't be offended
or
hurt, he may be just trying to tell you he likes your hat.
If at first you don't succeed, you're not Chuck Norris.
If Chuck Norris were a calendar, every month would be named Chucktober,
and every day he'd kick your ass.
Fear is not the only emotion Chuck Norris can smell. He can also detect
hope, as in "I hope I don't get a roundhouse kick from Chuck Norris."
Chuck Norris's show is called Walker: Texas Ranger, because Chuck Norris
doesn't run.
MacGyver can build an airplane out of gum and paper clips, but Chuck
Norris can roundhouse-kick his head through a wall and take it.
Behind every successful man, there is a woman. Behind every dead man,
there is Chuck Norris.
What's known as the UFC, or Ultimate Fighting Championship, doesn't use
its full name, which happens to be "Ultimate Fighting Championship,
Non-Chuck-Norris-Division".
Chuck Norris brushes his teeth with a mixture of iron shavings,
industrial
paint remover, and wood-grain alcohol.
The easiest way to determine Chuck Norris' age is to cut him in half and
count the rings.
There is endless debate about the existence of the human soul. Well it
does exist, and Chuck Norris finds it delicious.
Most boots are made for walkin'. Chuck Norris' boots ain't that
merciful.
The US did not boycott the 1980 Summer Olympics in Moscow due to
political
reasons: Chuck Norris killed the entire US team with a single
round-house
kick during TaeKwonDo practice.
Chuck Norris wears a live rattlesnake as a condom.
The Bible was originally titled "Chuck Norris and Friends"
Chuck Norris began selling the Total Gym as an ill-fated attempt to make
his day-to-day opponents less laughably pathetic.
Do you know why Baskin Robbins only has 31 flavors? Because Chuck Norris
doesn't like Fudge Ripple.
When Chuck Norris says "More cowbell", he MEANS it.
On the set of Walker Texas Ranger Chuck Norris brought a dying lamb back
to life by nuzzling it with his beard. As the onlookers gathered, the
lamb
sprang to life. Chuck Norris then roundhouse kicked it, killing it
instantly. This was just to prove that the good Chuck giveth, and the
good
Chuck, he taketh away.
Chuck Norris was what Willis was talkin' about.
Google won't search for Chuck Norris because it knows you don't find
Chuck
Norris, he finds you.
Chuck Norris can lead a horse to water AND make it drink.
Nagasaki never had a bomb dropped on it. Chuck Norris jumped out of a
plane and punched the ground.
It is scientifically impossible for Chuck Norris to have had a mortal
father. The most popular theory is that he went back in time and
fathered
himself.
Chuck Norris destroyed the periodic table, because Chuck Norris only
recognizes the element of surprise.
It is believed dinosaurs are extinct due to a giant meteor. That's true
if
you want to call Chuck Norris a giant meteor.
Chuck Norris shot the sheriff, but he round house kicked the deputy.
That's not Chuck Norris doing push-ups -- that's Chuck Norris moving the
Earth away from the path of a deadly asteroid.
Chuck Norris can judge a book by its cover.
Nothing can escape the gravity of a black hole, except for Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris eats black holes. They taste like chicken.
Chuck Norris does not play the lottery. It doesn't have nearly enough
balls.
Q: How many Chuck Norris' does it take to change a light bulb? A: None,
Chuck Norris prefers to kill in the dark.
As President Roosevelt said: "We have nothing to fear but fear itself.
And
Chuck Norris."
Chuck Norris just says "no" to drugs. If he said "yes", it would
collapse
Colombia's infrastructure.
Since 1940, the year Chuck Norris was born, roundhouse-kick related
deaths
have increased 13,000 percent.
Crime does not pay - unless you are an undertaker following Walker,
Texas
Ranger, on a routine patrol.
Chuck Norris invented the internet. just so he had a place to store his
porn.
Chuck Norris does not own a house. He walks into random houses and
people
move.
It is better to give than to receive. This is especially true of a Chuck
Norris roundhouse kick.
Chuck Norris is the only person to ever win a staring contest against
Ray
Charles and Stevie Wonder at the same time.
Industrial logging isn't the cause of deforestation. Chuck Norris needs
toothpicks.
Chuck Norris smells what the Rock is cooking... because the Rock is
Chuck
Norris' personal chef.
When Chuck Norris plays Oregon Trail, his family does not die from
cholera
or dysentery, but rather, roundhouse kicks to the face. He also requires
no wagon, since he carries the oxen, axels, and buffalo meat on his
back.
He always makes it to Oregon before you.
Chuck Norris is the reason why Waldo is hiding.
"Brokeback Mountain" is not just a movie. It's also what Chuck Norris
calls the pile of dead ninjas in his front yard.
When God said, "let there be light", Chuck Norris said, "say 'please'."
Chuck Norris does not eat. Food understands that the only safe haven
from
Chuck Norris' fists is inside his own body.
One day Chuck Norris walked down the street with a massive erection.
There
were no survivors.
Chuck Norris built a time machine and went back in time to stop the JFK
assassination. As Oswald shot, Chuck met all three bullets with his
beard,
deflecting them. JFK's head exploded out of sheer amazement.
Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the
information he wants.
Chuck Norris uses a night light. Not because Chuck Norris is afraid of
the
dark, but the dark is afraid of Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris is not capable of hitting a target on the broad side of a
barn. Every time he tries, the whole damn barn falls down.
Before each filming of Walker: Texas Ranger, Chuck Norris is injected
with
fourteen times the lethal dose of elephant tranquilzer. This is, of
course, to limit his strength and mobility, in an attempt to lower the
fatality rate of the actors he fights.
When Bruce Banner gets mad, he turns into the Hulk. When the Hulk gets
mad, he turns into Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris kills anyone that asks, "You want fries with that" because
by
now everyone should know that Chuck doesn't ever want fries with
anything.
Ever.
Chuck Norris once kicked a horse in the chin. Its decendants are known
today as Giraffes.
Sticks and stones may break your bones, but a Chuck Norris glare will
liquefy your kidneys.
Human cloning is outlawed because if Chuck Norris were cloned, then it
would be possible for a Chuck Norris roundhouse kick to meet another
chuck
Norris roundhouse kick. Physicists theorize that this contact would end
the universe.
Chuck Norris once went skydiving, but promised never to do it again. One
Grand Canyon is enough
Chuck Norris's version of a "chocolate milkshake" is a raw porterhouse
wrapped around ten Hershey bars, and doused in diesel fuel.

If Chuck Norris round-house kicks you, you will die. If Chuck Norris'
misses you with the round-house kick, the wind behind the kick will tear
out your pancreas.

In a fight between Batman and Darth Vader, the winner would be Chuck
Norris.

Chuck Norris puts his pants on one leg at a time, just like the rest of
us. The only difference is, then he kills people.

Everybody loves Raymond. Except Chuck Norris.

Contrary to popular belief, the Titanic didn't hit an iceberg. The ship
was off course and accidentally ran into Chuck Norris while he was doing
the backstroke across the Atlantic.

Chuck Norris got his drivers license at the age of 16. Seconds.

The original title for Alien vs. Predator was Alien and Predator vs
Chuck
Norris. The film was cancelled shortly after going into preproduction.
No
one would pay nine dollars to see a movie fourteen seconds long.

Chuck Norris' sperm is so badass, he had sex with Nicole Kidman, and 7
months later she prematurely gave birth to a Ford Excursion.

Chuck Norris can win at solitaire with only 18 cards.

Chuck Norris once shat blood - the blood of 11,940 natives he had killed
and eaten.

Maslow's theory of higher needs does not apply to Chuck Norris. He only
has two needs: killing people and finding people to kill.

The truth will set you free. Unless Chuck Norris has you, in which case,
forget it buddy!

For most people, home is where the heart is. For Chuck Norris, home is
where he stores his collection of human skulls.

Kryptonite has been found to contain trace elements of Chuck Norris
roundhouse kicks to the face. This is why it is so deadly to Superman.

Saddam Hussein was not found hiding in a "hole." Saddam was
roundhouse-kicked in the head by Chuck Norris in Kansas, which sent him
through the earth, stopping just short of the surface of Iraq.

Coroners refer to dead people as "ABC's". Already Been Chucked.

Chuck Norris doesn't look both ways before he crosses the street... he
just roundhouses any cars that get too close.

Chuck Norris does not have to answer the phone. His beard picks up the
incoming electrical impulses and translates them into audible sound.

How many roundhouse kicks does it take to get to the center of a tootsie
pop? Just one. From Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris doesnt wear a watch, HE decides what time it is.

The phrase 'break a leg' was originally coined by Chuck Norris's
co-stars
in Walker, Texas Ranger as a good luck charm, indicating that a broken
leg
might be the worst extent of their injuries. This never proved to be the
case.

When chuck Norris does division, there are no remainders.

If you rearrange the letters in "Chuck Norris", they also spell "Crush
Rock In". The words "with his fists" are understood.

Never look a gift Chuck Norris in the mouth, because he will bite your
damn eyes off.

Give a man a fish, and you will feed him for a day. Give a man anything
that is better than a fish, and Chuck Norris will beat his ass and take
it.

Chuck Norris used to play baseball. When Babe Ruth was hailed as the
better player, Chuck Norris killed him with a baseball bat to the
throat.
Lou Gehrig got off easy.

The original title for Star Wars was "Skywalker: Texas Ranger". Starring
Chuck Norris.

Guantuanamo Bay, Cuba, is the military code-word for "Chuck Norris'
basement".

The phrase 'balls to the wall' was originally conceived to describe
Chuck
Norris entering any building smaller than an aircraft hangar.

Chuck Norris' roundhouse kick is so powerful, it can be seen from outer
space by the naked eye.

Ozzy Osbourne bites the heads off of bats. Chuck Norris bites the heads
off of Siberian Tigers.

He who lives by the sword, dies by the sword. He who lives by Chuck
Norris, dies by the roundhouse kick.

The best-laid plans of mice and men often go awry. Even the worst-laid
plans of Chuck Norris come off without a hitch.

The phrase 'dead ringer' refers to someone who sits behind Chuck Norris
in
a movie theater and forgets to turn their cell phone off.

Chuck Norris' Roundhouse kick is so powerful, that on the set of
Sidekicks
he single-footedly destroyed Jonathan Brandis' Career.

Staring at Chuck Norris for extended periods of time without proper eye
protection will cause blindess, and possibly foot sized brusies on the
face.

Chuck Norris can taste lies.

Chuck Norris does not kick ass and take names. In fact, Chuck Norris
kicks
ass and assigns the corpse a number. It is currently recorded to be in
the
billions.

One time, Chuck Norris accidentally stubbed his toe. It destroyed the
entire state of Ohio.

Little Miss Muffet sat on her tuffet, until Chuck Norris roundhouse
kicked
her into a glacier.

In 1990, Chuck Norris founded the non-profit organization "Kick Drugs
Out
of America". If the organization's name were "Roundhouse Kick Drugs out
of
America", there wouldn't be any drugs in the Western Hemisphere.
Anywhere.

Chuck Norris can blow bubbles with beef jerky.

They had to edit the first ending of 'Lone Wolf McQuade' after Chuck
Norris kicked David Carradine's ass, then proceeded to barbecue and eat
him.

Chuck Norris does, in fact, live in a round house.

Chuck Norris was once on Jeopardy. This show is notable in that it was
the
first occasion in Jeopardy history that Alex Trebek had appeared without
a
mustache. And a head.

When Chuck Norris works out on the Total Gym, the Total Gym feels like
it's been raped.

4 out of 5 doctors fail to recommend Chuck Norris as a solution to most
problems. Also, 80% of doctors die unexplained, needlessly brutal
deaths.

Chuck Norris can skeletize a cow in two minutes.

The only sure things are Death and Taxes.and when Chuck Norris goes to
work for the IRS, they'll be the same thing.

Chuck Norris' first job was as a paperboy. There were no survivors.

With the rising cost of gasoline, Chuck Norris is beginning to worry
about
his drinking habit.

The square root of Chuck Norris is pain. Do not try to square Chuck
Norris, the result is death.

chuck Norris' testicles do not produce sperm. They produce tiny white
ninjas that recognize only one mission: seek and destroy.

To be or not to be? That is the question. The answer? Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris has never been in a fight, ever. Do you call one roundhouse
kick to the face a fight?

There are two types of people in the world... people that suck, and
Chuck
Norris.

Chuck Norris never wet his bed as a child. The bed wet itself out of
fear.

If you were somehow able to land a punch on Chuck Norris your entire arm
would shatter upon impact. This is only in theory, since, come on, who
in
their right mind would try this?

70% of a human's weight is water. 70% of Chuck Norris' weight is his
#####.

Jean-Claude Van Damme once kicked Chuck Norris' ass. He was then
awakened
from his dream by a roundhouse kick to the face.

The pie scene in "American Pie" is based on a dare Chuck Norris took
when
he was younger. However, in Chuck Norris' case, the "pie" was the molten
crater of an active volcano.

Chuck Norris uses 8'x10' sheets of plywood as toilet paper.
Noah was the only man notified before Chuck Norris relieved himself in
the
Atlantic Ocean.

Chuck Norris once invited all of the other badasses from TV to duke it
out
in order to see who was the supreme badass. Only two showed up-- Jack
Bauer and MacGyver.

MacGyver immediately tried to make a bomb out of some Q-Tips and
Gatorade,
but Chuck Norris roundhouse-kicked him in the solar plexus. MacGyver
promptly threw up his own heart.

Jack Bauer tried to use his detailed knowledge of torture techniques,
but
to no avail: Chuck Norris thrives on pain. Chuck Norris then ripped off
Jack Bauer's arm and beat him to death with it. Game, set, match.

Chuck Norris eats steak for every single meal. Most times he forgets to
kill the cow.

The First Law of Thermodynamics states that energy can neither be
created
nor destroyed... unless it meets Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris doesn't go on the internet, he has every internet site
stored
in his memory. He refreshes webpages by blinking.

Fact: Chuck Norris doesn't consider it sex if the woman survives.

It is said that looking into Chuck Norris' eyes will reveal your future.
Unfortunately, everybody's future is always the same: death by a
roundhouse-kick to the face.

Chuck Norris knows everything there is to know - Except for the
definition
of mercy.

Scientifically speaking, it is impossible to charge Chuck Norris with
"obstruction of justice." This is because even Chuck Norris cannot be in
two places at the same time.

Chuck Norris never has to wax his skis because they're always slick with
blood.

When you say "no one's perfect", Chuck Norris takes this as a personal
insult.

Chuck Norris can win a game of Trivial Pursuit with one roll of the
dice,
and without answering a single question... just a nod of the head, and a
stroke of the beard.

182,000 Americans die from Chuck Norris-related accidents every year.

Paper beats rock, rock beats scissors, and scissors beats paper, but
Chuck
Norris beats all 3 at the same time.

Jesus can walk on water, but Chuck Norris can walk on Jesus.

All roads lead to Chuck Norris. And by the transitive property, a
roundhouse kick to the face.

If you're driving down the road and you think Chuck Norris just cut you
off, you better thank your lucky stars it wasn't the other way around.

July 4th is Independence day. And the day Chuck Norris was born.
Coincidence? i think not.

Chuck Norris never goes to the dentist because his teeth are
unbreakable.
His enemies never go to the dentist because they have no teeth.

In the medical community, death is referred to as "Chuck Norris Disease"

Chuck Norris was once in a knife fight, and the knife lost.

If you work in an office with Chuck Norris, don't ask him for his
three-hole-punch.

In the Words of Julius Caesar, "Veni, Vidi, Vici, Chuck Norris".
Translation: I came, I saw, and I was roundhouse-kicked inthe face by
Chuck Norris.

The First rule of Chuck Norris is: you do not talk about Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris is widely predicted to be first black president. If you're
thinking to yourself, "But Chuck Norris isn't black", then you are dead
wrong. And stop being a racist.

When Chuck Norris plays Monopoly, it affects the actual world economy.

Chuck Norris can be unlocked on the hardest level of Tekken. But only
Chuck Norris is skilled enough to unlock himself. Then he roundhouse
kicks
the Playstation back to Japan.

Chuck Norris drinks napalm to quell his heartburn.

Every time someone uses the word "intense", Chuck Norris always replies
"you know what else is intense?" followed by a roundhouse kick to the
face.

As an infant, Chuck Norris' parents gave him a toy hammer. He gave the
world Stonehenge.

Chuck Norris once ordered a steak in a restaurant. The steak did what it
was told.

Most people fear the Reaper. Chuck Norris considers him "a promising
Rookie".

There are only two things that can cut diamonds: other diamonds, and
Chuck
Norris.

President Roosevelt once rode his horse 100 miles. Chuck Norris carried
his the same distance in half the time.

Chuck Norris once ate four 30lb bowling balls without chewing.

What many people dont know is chuck norris is the founder of planned
parenthood. Not even unborn children can escape his wrath.

Chuck Norris was banned from competitive bullriding after a 1992
exhibition in San Antonio, when he rode the bull 1,346 miles from Texas
to
Milwaukee Wisconsin to pick up his dry cleaning.

Chuck Norris qualified with a top speed of 324 mph at the Daytona 500,
without a car.

Chuck Norris likes his coffee half and half: half coffee grounds, half
wood-grain alcohol.

Chuck Norris uses tabasco sauce instead of visine.

The chemical formula for the highly toxic cyanide ion is CN-. These are
also Chuck Norris' initials. This is not a coincidence.

Chuck Norris' credit cards have no limit. Last weekend, he maxed them
out.

Think of a hot woman. Chuck Norris did her.

A man once claimed Chuck Norris kicked his ass twice, but it was
promptly
dismissed as false - no one could survive it the first time.

Chuck Norris sleeps with a pillow under his gun.

Chuck Norris owns a chain of fast-food restaurants throughout the
southwest. They serve nothing but barbecue-flavored ice cream and Hot
Pockets.

Chuck Norris doesn't chew gum. Chuck Norris chews tin foil.

Aliens DO indeed exist. They just know better than to visit a planet
that
Chuck Norris is on.

When in a bar, you can order a drink called a "Chuck Norris". It is also
known as a "Bloody Mary", if your name happens to be Mary.

Every time Chuck Norris smiles, someone dies. Unless he smiles while
he's
roundhouse kicking someone in the face. Then two people die.

Some people ask for a Kleenex when they sneeze, Chuck Norris asks for a
body bag.

There's an order to the universe: space, time, Chuck Norris.... Just
kidding, Chuck Norris is first.

A man once asked Chuck Norris if his real name is "Charles". Chuck
Norris
did not respond, he simply stared at him until he exploded.

Chuck Norris starts everyday with a protein shake made from Carnation
Instant Breakfast, one dozen eggs, pure Colombian cocaine, and
rattlesnake
venom. He injects it directly into his neck with a syringe.

In a tagteam match, Chuck Norris was teamed with Hulk Hogan against King
Kong Bundy and Andre The Giant. He pinned all 3 at the same time.

Chuck Norris doesn't see dead people. He makes people dead.

Chuck Norris is the only person who can simultaneously hold and fire
FIVE
Uzis: One in each hand, one in each foot -- and the 5th one he
roundhouse-kicks into the air, so that it sprays bullets.

For undercover police work, Chuck Norris pins his badge underneath his
shirt, directly into his chest.

In the X-Men movies, none of the X-Men super-powers are done with
special
effects. Chuck Norris is the stuntman for every character.

We live in an expanding universe. All of it is trying to get away from
Chuck Norris
It is said that every time you masturbate, God kills a kitten. Every
time
God masturbates, Chuck Norris kills a lion.

The word 'Kill' was invented by Chuck Norris. Other words were 'Die',
'Beer', and 'What'.

Chuck Norris is a vegetarian. Meaning, he does not eat animals until
first
he puts them into vegetative state with his fists.

The 11th commandment is "Thou shalt not piss off Chuck Norris" This
commandment is rarely enforced, as it is impossible to accomplish.

Chuck Norris is his own line at the DMV.

Two wrongs don't make a right. Unless you're Chuck Norris. Then two
wrongs
make a roundhouse kick to the face.

Who let the dogs out? Chuck Norris let the dogs out... and then
roundhouse
kicked them through an Oldsmobile.

Chuck Norris can do a roundhouse kick faster than the speed of light.
This
means that if you turn on a light switch, you will be dead before the
lightbulb turns on.

When Chuck Norris goes to out to eat, he orders a whole chicken, but he
only eats its soul.

Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and
unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was
finalized, Chuck roundhouse-kicked the devil in the face and took his
soul
back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted
he
should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday
of
the month.

Chuck Norris has never won an Academy Award for acting... because he's
not
acting.

If Chuck Norris wants your opinion, he'll beat it into you.

Not everyone that Chuck Norris is mad at gets killed. Some get away.
They
are called astronauts.

Chuck Norris has to register every part of his body as a separate lethal
weapon. His spleen is considered a concealed weapon in over 50 states.

A movie scene depicting Chuck Norris losing a fight with Bruce Lee was
the
product of history's most expensive visual effect. When adjusted for
inflation, the effect cost more than the Gross National Product of
Paraguay.

Godzilla is a Japanese rendition of Chuck Norris' first visit to Tokyo.

They once made a Chuck Norris toilet paper, but there was a problem-- It
wouldn't take ##### from anybody.

Chuck Norris once rode a nine foot grizzly bear through an automatic car
wash, instead of taking a shower.

"Sweating bullets" is literally what happens when Chuck Norris gets too
hot.

Chuck Norris' sperm can be seen with the naked eye. Each one is the size
of a quarter.

After taking a steroids test doctors informed Chuck Norris that he had
tested positive. He laughed upon receiving this information, and said
"of
course my urine tested positive, what do you think they make steroids
from?"

Chuck Norris doesn't daydream. He's too busy giving other people
nightmares.

When Arnold says the line "I'll be back" in the first Terminator movie
it
is implied that is he going to ask Chuck Norris for help.

There are no such things as tornados. Chuck Norris just hates trailer
parks.

Chuck Norris' Penis is a third degree blackbelt, and an honorable
32nd-degree mason.

Chuck Norris does not follow fashion trends, they follow him. But then
he
turns around and kicks their ass. Nobody follows Chuck Norris.

The phrase 'break a leg' was originally coined by Chuck Norris's
co-stars
in Walker, Texas Ranger as a good luck charm indicating that a broken
leg
might be the worst extent of their injuries. This never proved to be the
case.

Chuck Norris' roundhouse kick is so powerful, it can be seen from outer
space by the naked eye.

Diamonds are not, despite popular belief, carbon. They are, in fact,
Chuck
Norris fecal matter. This was proven a recently, when scientific
analysis
revealed what appeared to be Jean-Claude Van Damme bone fragments inside
the Hope Diamond.

Chuck Norris once participated in the running of the bulls. He walked.

The Drummer for Def Leppard's only got one arm. Chuck Norris needed a
back
scratcher.

Chuck Norris was the orginal sculptor of Mount Rushmore. He completed
the
entire project using only a bottle opener and a drywall trowel.

Chuck Norris once rode a bull, and nine months later it had a calf.

Chuck Norris once lost the remote, but maintained control of the TV by
yelling at it in between bites of his "Filet of Child" sandwich.

For Spring Break '05, Chuck Norris drove to Madagascar, riding a chariot
pulled by two electric eels.

The Manhattan Project was not intended to create nuclear weapons, it was
meant to recreate the destructive power in a Chuck Norris Roundhouse
Kick.
They didn't even come close.

Chuck Norris has banned rainbows from the state of North Dakota.

Divide Chuck Norris by zero and you will in fact get one........one
bad-ass that is.

TNT was originally developed by Chuck Norris to cure indigestion.

After returning from World War 2 unscathed, Bob Dole was congratulated
by
Chuck Norris with a handshake. The rest is history.

Chuck Norris runs on batteries. Specifically, Die Hards.

"Let the Bodies Hit the Floor" was originally written as Chuck Norris'
theme song.

Chuck Norris will never have a heart attack. His heart isn't nearly
foolish enough to attack him.

Only Chuck Norris can prevent forest fires.

When Chuck Norris makes a burrito, its main ingredient is real toes.

Chuck Norris is not Irish. His hair is soaked in the blood of his
victims.

In the movie "The Matrix", Chuck Norris is the Matrix. If you pay close
attention in the green "falling code" scenes, you can make out the faint
texture of his beard.

Chuck Norris' ##### is so big, it has it's own #####, and that ##### is
still bigger than yours.

They say curiosity killed the cat. This is false. Chuck Norris killed
the
cat. Every single one of them.

There is no such thing as a lesbian, just a woman who has never met
Chuck
Norris.

Chuck Norris crossed the road. No one has ever dared question his
motives.

When Chuck Norris was born, he immediately had sex with the first nurse
he
saw. He was her first. She was his third. That afternoon.

One time, at band camp, Chuck Norris ate a percussionist.

Chuck Norris doesn't say "who's your daddy", because he knows the
answer.

Chuck Norris originally wrote the first dictionary. The definition for
each word is as follows - A swift roundhouse kick to the face.

Love does not hurt. Chuck Norris does.

The term "Cleveland Steamer" got its name from Chuck Norris, when he
took
a dump while visiting the Rock and Roll Hall of fame and buried northern
Ohio under a glacier of fecal matter.

Chuck Norris once round-house kicked a salesman. Over the phone.

The pen is mighter than the sword, but only if the pen is held by Chuck
Norris
Chuck Norris doesn't kill two birds with one stone. Chuck Norris kills
all
birds, with two stones. The ones in his pants.

Chuck Norris knows the last digit of pi.

Those aren't credits that roll after Walker Texas Ranger. It is actually
a
list of fatalities that occurred during the making of the episode.

The air around Chuck Norris is always a balmy 78 degrees.

When Chuck Norris wants an egg, he cracks open a chicken.

Chuck Norris plays racquetball with a waffle iron and a bowling ball.

According to the Bible, God created the universe in six days. Before
that,
Chuck Norris created God by snapping his fingers.

Chuck Norris doesn't believe in ravioli. He stuffs a live turtle with
beef
and smothers it in pig's blood.

Count from one to ten. That's how long it would take Chuck Norris to
kill
you...Fourty seven times.

The 1972 Miami Dolphins lost one game, it was an exhibition game vs.
Chuck
Norris and three seven year old girls. Chuck Norris won with a
roundhouse-kick to the face in overtime.

Chuck Norris is not Politically Correct. He is just Correct. Always.

Mr. T pities the fool. Chuck Norris rips the fool's head off.

Chuck Norris had to stop washing his clothes in the ocean. The tsunamis
were killing people.

Chuck Norris has volunteered to remain on earth after the Rapture; he
will
spend his time fighting the Anti-Christ.

They were going to release a Chuck Norris edition of Clue, but the
answer
always turns out to be "Chuck Norris. In The Library. With a Roundhouse
Kick."

A man once taunted Chuck Norris with a bag of Lay's potato chips, saying
"Betcha can't eat just one!" Chuck Norris proceeded to eat the chips,
the
bag, and the man in one deft move.

Chuck Norris' favorite cereal is Kellogg's Nails 'N' Gravel.

In the first Jurassic Park movie, the Tyrannosaurus Rex wasn't chasing
the
jeep. Chuck Norris was chasing the Tyrannosaurus AND the jeep.

Chuck Norris has never been accused of murder for the simple fact that
his
roundhouse kicks are recognized world-wide as "acts of God."

"Brokeback Mountain" is not just a movie. It's also what Chuck Norris
calls the pile of dead ninjas in his front yard.

Chuck Norris does not wear a condom. Because there is no such thing as
protection from Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris once had sex with a cigarette machine in the Osaka airport.

Rules of fighting: 1) Don't bring a knife to a gun fight. 2) Don't bring
a
gun to a Chuck Norris fight.

Chuck Norris is the only man who has, literally, beaten the odds. With
his
fists.

In ancient China there is a legend that one day a child will be born
from
a dragon, grow to be a man, and vanquish evil from the land. That man is
not Chuck Norris, because Chuck Norris killed that man.

Chuck Norris wipes his ass with chain mail and sandpaper.

When you play Monopoly with Chuck Norris, you do not pass go, and you do
not collect two hundred dollars. You will be lucky if you make it out
alive.

Chuck Norris describes human beings as "a sociable holder for blood and
guts".

Chuck Norris once got into a fight with a one-armed Ninja. Seeing that
he
had an unfair advantage, Chuck Norris ripped both of his arms off and
one
of his legs. He then roundhouse-kicked the ninja in the head, killing
him
instantly, and proceeded to sow his limbs back on using only a rusty
tent
spike and bailing wire.

Chuck Norris likes his ice like he likes his skulls: crushed.

Chuck Norris can kick through all 6 degrees of separation, hitting
anyone,
anywhere, in the face, at any time.

Most tough men eat nails for breakfast. chuck Norris does all of his
grocery shopping at Home Depot.

Chuck Norris did not "lose" his virginity, he stalked it and then
destroyed it with extreme prejudice.

Everything King Midas touches turnes to gold. Everything Chuck Norris
touches turns up dead.

Chuck Norris' pulse is measured on the richter scale.

Most people know that Descarte said, "I think, therefore I am." What
most
people don't know is that that quote continues, "...afraid of Chuck
Norris."

Chuck Norris once roundhouse-kicked a ten dollar bill into 200 nickels.

For every movie about Vietnam starring Chuck Norris, the historical
duration of the war decreases. Just 3 more "Missing in Action" sequels,
and that war will have never actually existed.

Chuck Norris' penis has a Hemi.

Chuck Norris enjoys a good practical joke. His favorite is where he
removes your lower intestine and pretends to make a balloon animal out
of
it. Then he cracks your skull open with a Volvo for not complimenting
him
on his balloon animal.

Chuck Norris CAN in fact 'raise the roof'. And he can do it with one
hand.

Kenny G is allowed to live because Chuck Norris doesn't kill women.

Life is not, in fact, like a box of chocolates. It is more like a box of
Chuck Norris, roundhouse kicking you in the face. And if you receive a
box
of Chuck Norris, you ALWAYS know what you are going to get.

For Chuck Norris, every street is "one way". HIS WAY.

There are now five cup sizes at Starbucks: Short, Tall, Grande, Venti,
and
Chuck Norris.

During the Vietnam War, Chuck Norris allowed himself to be captured. For
torture, they made him eat his own entrails. He asked for seconds.

Chuck Norris once created a flamethrower by urinating into a lighter.

Instead of having a cigarette after sex, Chuck Norris heads outside and
brands his cattle.

Chuck Norris actually built the stairway to heaven.

Whoever said "only the good die young" was probably in Chuck Norris's
kindergarten class.

Chuck Norris once skewered a man with the Eiffel tower.

The best part of waking up, is not Folgers in your cup, but knowing that
Chuck Norris didn't kill you in your sleep.

Chuck Norris doesn't own a can opener, he just chews through the can.

Occam's Razor says that the simplest answer tends to be the correct one.
Norris' Razor involves a flick of the wrist and a Columbian Necktie.


Proponents of higher-order theories of consciousness argue that
consciousness is explained by the relation between two levels of mental
states in which a higher-order mental state takes another mental state.
If
you mention this to Chuck Norris, expect an explosive roundhouse kick to
the face for spouting too much fancy-talk.

Chuck Norris invented all 32 letters of the alphabet.

Remember The Ultimate Warrior? He quit wrestling because Chuck Norris
wanted his nickname back.

If a tree falls in the forest, does anybody hear? Yes. Chuck Norris
hears
it. Chuck Norris can hear everything. Chuck Norris can hear the
shrieking
terror in your soul.

Chuck Norris actually owns IBM. It was an extremely hostile takeover.

He, who laughs last, laughs best. He who laughs at Chuck Norris . dies.

Chuck Norris is like a dog, not only because he can smell fear, but
because he can piss on whatever he wants.

Chuck Norris can jump-start a car using jumper cables attached to his
nipples.

Chuck Norris neither melts in your mouth nor in your hand. He shreds
your
trachea before ravaging your soul with a combination of chocolate,
whickey, roundhouse kicks and death. Oh, and pain. Lots of pain.

Chuck Norris doesn't have blood. He is filled with magma
Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked someone so hard that his foot broke
the speed of light, went back in time, and killed Amelia Earhart while
she
was flying over the Pacific Ocean.

Crop circles are Chuck Norris' way of telling the world that sometimes
corn needs to lie down.

Chuck Norris is ten feet tall, weighs two-tons, breathes fire, and could
eat a hammer and take a shotgun blast standing.

The Great Wall of China was originally created to keep Chuck Norris out.
It failed miserably.

Contrary to popular belief, Chuck Norris, not the box jellyfish of
northern Australia, is the most venomous creature on earth. Within 3
minutes of being bitten, a human being experiences the following
symptoms:
fever, blurred vision, beard rash, tightness of the jeans, and the
feeling
of being repeatedly kicked through a car windshield.

Most people have 23 pairs of chromosomes. Chuck Norris has 72... and
they're all poisonous.

If you ask Chuck Norris what time it is, he always says, "Two seconds
'til." After you ask, "Two seconds 'til what?" he roundhouse kicks you
in
the face.

Chuck Norris drives an ice cream truck covered in human skulls.

When Chuck Norris sends in his taxes, he sends blank forms and includes
only a picture of himself, crouched and ready to attack. Chuck Norris
has
not had to pay taxes, ever.

The quickest way to a man's heart is with Chuck Norris' fist.

Chuck Norris invented Kentucky Fried Chicken's famous secret recipe,
with
eleven herbs and spices. But nobody ever mentions the twelfth
ingredient:
Fear.

CNN was originally created as the "Chuck Norris Network" to update
Americans with on-the-spot ass kicking in real-time.

Chuck Norris can win a game of Connect Four in only three moves.

There is no theory of evolution, just a list of creatures Chuck Norris
allows to live.

Chuck Norris once ate three 72 oz. steaks in one hour. He spent the
first
45 minutes having sex with his waitress.

What was going through the minds of all of Chuck Norris' victims before
they died? His shoe.

Chuck Norris is the only man to ever defeat a brick wall in a game of
tennis.

Police label anyone attacking Chuck Norris as a Code 45-11.... a
suicide.

Chuck Norris doesn't churn butter. He roundhouse kicks the cows and the
butter comes straight out.

Chuck Norris doesn't wash his clothes, he disembowels them.

A Handicapped parking sign does not signify that this spot is for
handicapped people. It is actually in fact a warning, that the spot
belongs to Chuck Norris and that you will be handicapped if you park
there.

Chuck Norris will attain statehood in 2009. His state flower will be the
Magnolia.

Someone once videotaped Chuck Norris getting pissed off. It was called
Walker: Texas Chain Saw Masacre.

If you spell Chuck Norris in Scrabble, you win. Forever.

Chuck Norris originally appeared in the "Street Fighter II" video game,
but was removed by Beta Testers because every button caused him to do a
roundhouse kick. When asked bout this "glitch," Norris replied, "That's
no
glitch."

Fool me once, shame on you. Fool Chuck Norris once and he will
roundhouse
you in the face.

The opening scene of the movie "Saving Private Ryan" is loosely based on
games of dodgeball Chuck Norris played in second grade.

Chuck Norris once shot down a German fighter plane with his finger, by
yelling, "Bang!"

Chuck Norris once bet NASA he could survive re-entry without a
spacesuit.
On July 19th, 1999, a naked Chuck Norris re-entered the earth's
atmosphere, streaking over 14 states and reaching a temperature of 3000
degrees. An embarrassed NASA publically claimed it was a meteor, and
still
owes him a beer.

Chuck Norris has two speeds: Walk and Kill.

Someone once tried to tell Chuck Norris that roundhouse kicks aren't the
best way to kick someone. This has been recorded by historians as the
worst mistake anyone has ever made.

Contrary to popular belief, America is not a democracy, it is a
Chucktatorship.

Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles is based on a true story: Chuck Norris once
swallowed a turtle whole, and when he crapped it out, the turtle was six
feet tall and had learned karate.

Chuck Norris is not hung like a horse... horses are hung like Chuck
Norris.

Faster than a speeding bullet ... more powerful than a locomotive ...
able
to leap tall buildings in a single bound... yes, these are some of Chuck
Norris's warm-up exercises.

Chuck Norris is the only human being to display the Heisenberg
uncertainty
principle -- you can never know both exactly where and how quickly he
will
roundhouse-kick you in the face.

In the Bible, Jesus turned water into wine. But then Chuck Norris turned
that wine into beer.

Chuck Norris can hit you so hard that he can actually alter your DNA.
Decades from now your descendants will occasionally clutch their heads
and
yell "What The Hell was That?"

Time waits for no man. Unless that man is Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris discovered a new theory of relativity involving multiple
universes in which Chuck Norris is even more badass than in this one.
When
it was discovered by Albert Einstein and made public, Chuck Norris
roundhouse-kicked him in the face. We know Albert Einstein today as
Stephen Hawking.

Chuck Norris doesn't shower, he only takes blood baths.

The Chuck Norris military unit was not used in the game Civilization 4,
because a single Chuck Norris could defeat the entire combined nations
of
the world in one turn.

In an average living room there are 1,242 objects Chuck Norris could use
to kill you, including the room itself.

According to the Encyclopedia Brittanica, the Native American "Trail of
Tears" has been redefined as anywhere that Chuck Norris walks.

Chuck Norris does not teabag the ladies. He potato-sacks them.

Pluto is actually an orbiting group of British soldiers from the
American
Revolution who entered space after the Chuck gave them a roundhouse kick
to the face.

When Chuck Norris goes to donate blood, he declines the syringe, and
instead requests a hand gun and a bucket.

There are no steroids in baseball. Just players Chuck Norris has
breathed
on.

Chuck Norris once challenged Lance Armstrong in a "Who has more
testicles?" contest. Chuck Norris won by 5.

Chuck Norris was the fourth wise man, who gave baby Jesus the gift of
beard, which he carried with him until he died. The other three wise men
were enraged by the preference that Jesus showed to Chuck's gift, and
arranged to have him written out of the bible. All three died soon after
of mysterious roundhouse-kick related injuries.

Chuck Norris sheds his skin twice a year.

If the mountain won't come to Chuck Norris, Chuck will kick the valley out from under it.

- Brokeback Mountain is not just a movie... it's also what Chuck Norris calls the pile of dead Ninjas in his front yard.

- Chuck Norris can slam revolving doors !

- Bruce Lee died just so he didn't have to fight Chuck Norris anymore !

- When Chuck Norris gives you the finger, he's telling you how many seconds you have to live !


But seriously... Thanks Chuck !

Chuck Norris destroyed the Periodic Table, as he only believes in the element of surprise.

Superman wears Chuck Norris pajamas.

Chuck Norris is 1/4 Cherokee. It's not his heritage, the man ate a jeep!

Today's Chuck Norris forecast is 100% chance of pain.

If harnessed, the energy generated by a Chuck Norris roundhouse kick can power all of North America for 44 minutes.