Home Forums Hunting & Shooting Hunter's Campfire Need Flight Attendant Jokes/Stories

Please share your best short stories and jokes about flight attendants.

Clean ones please.

An airline ticket agent found herself confronted with a very irate customer. The customer was shouting, cursing, and using obscenities over whatever had gone wrong. Through it all, the ticket agent was serene, even gracious, keeping her cool and professional demeanor the whole time.

When the incident was over, and the customer gone, her co-worker turned to her and said, "Wow, you kept your cool the whole time. That must have been hard. What is your secret?"

"It's easy. I just sent his bags to Pakistan."

Three hundred of us were literally jammed into a Flying Tiger Airline stretched DC-8 for the flight from California to VietNam. It was a military contract/charter flight and the normal FAA-mandated rules were "loosened."

The cabin attendant gave the safety brief, which was one sentence long. She said, "In the event of anything at all, put your head between your knees - and kiss your butt goodbye."

MUCH more recently, I was returning home, and as we taxied in, a dozen or so folks jumped up and started opening the overhead compartments. The captain at that moment had to stab the brakes for some reason - and most of the eager beavers tumbled into the aisle.

The attendant keyed her mic and said, "Welcome to Salt Lake City, especially to those of you who arrived before the plane did."

Bunch of them here:

http://www.surfersam.com/friends/airplane.htm

Bruce

As the airliner pushed back from the gate, the flight attendant gave the passengers the usual information regarding seat belts, etc.

Finally, she said, "Now sit back and enjoy your trip while your Captain Judith Campbell and Crew take you safely to your destination."

Joe, sitting in the 8th Row thought to himself, "Did I hear her right - is the Captain a woman?" "I think I better have myself a Scotch & Soda."

When the attendant came by with a drink cart, he said, "Did I understand you to say the Captain is a woman?"

"Yes." said the attendant, "In fact this entire Crew is female."

"Oh my," said Joe, "I better have 2 Scotch & Sodas, I don't know what to think of all those women up there in the cockpit."

"That's another thing," said the attendant, "we no longer call it the "cockpit".

This one is true. Paul Harvey had it on his show years ago. This is when inflatable falsies 1st hit the market. An Asian attendant, very flat chested, bought a bra with the inflatables. As the plane gained altitude, the cabin pressure started to drop which caused the balloons to start getting larger. A LOT larger. She didn't have any way to take them out, so she stepped into the galley, got a knife out of a drawer (back when knives were legal), and tried to pop them. A passenger saw her and thought she was trying to commit suicide so he tackled her. You can imagine the ruckus that caused.

Hey P Weed, here's an Air Force crew for your story ...

The flight attendant picks up the mike and makes this nighttime announcment on a trans-Atlantic flight.

"We'll be dimming the lights in the cabin,"
"Pushing the light-bulb button will turn your reading light on. However, pushing the flight-attendant button will not turn your flight attendant on."

Rocky,

Great picture ... them girls fly me to the moon.

I got a pretty good FA story of my own, admitting that I learned the trick from a senior captain.

I used to run a small gold mine in AK when I wasn't flying for a small AK airline. The FA's thought that was pretty cool. One day I brought in a bit of melted brass from a rod. I would melt the rod above a small pile of sand, let small bits drop into the sand and then step on it with my boot, looked just like gold.

I gave some to a FA one day, telling her I could get as 'much as I wanted'. She was so excited she almost peed her panties, said she would have it formed into a ring or something. I never saw her again, but I still laugh about it.

On my way home from a trip to South Dakota a flight attendant was giving the usual talk about buckling seat belts and airplane exits.

"Please be sure to secure all bags and electronic items and when you open overhead bin containers please remember "shift happens."

One of my early love bugs, a Qantas stewardess, told me of another young stewardess's first flight. The poor girl didn't know that the Captain had come aboard through a hatch under the cockpit. She hadn't seen him come aboard through the passenger entry, the only way that she knew to come aboard, so she thought that he hadn't come aboard yet.

The Captain sent the copilot aft to see why the entry hatch was still open. She was keeping it open � and the roll-away stairs still in place � waiting for the Captain to come aboard.

"To Hell with him," the copilot said. "We're late. Let's go."

When she was about to come forward to the cockpit during their flight to Chicago, the Captain hid in a closet or locker.

As the 'plane was turning into final position at the terminal in Chicago, the Captain dropped to the ground through that nose hatch (leaving his cap and coat behind) and ran around the empennage with his collar unbuttoned and his tie loosened. When she opened the entry hatch and the roll-away stairs were rolling-up, he came plodding and panting with fake weariness �

"Why didn't � you wait � for me � in San Francisco?"
___________________________________________________

Another of Elaine's newby sisters didn't know that there was such a thing as an autopilot. When the cockpit crew learned that, they made sure that she was the one who was to bring a tray of refreshments to the cockpit. Then they hid when she was about to bring it.

She opened the cockpit door, came in, and saw the pilot-side port open, the cockpit apparently uninhabited, and a fluttering note that said something like "Farewell, cruel world!"
__________________________________________

I'm not sure what aircraft they were flying in those days (1950s), but I'm pretty sure that it was the "Super Connie" � Lockheed's bigger version of their "Constellation."

P Weed and Rocky Raab, I heard there is another line after this one:

"That's another thing," said the attendant, "we no longer call it the "cockpit".

"We now call it the Box Office."

ShootingLady probably can't use this in her presentation, though.

Its the See-You-Enn-Tea pit now.

BMT

A few years ago I was on a Southwest Airlines flight from San Jose to Reno.
The trip was very bumpy and the landing about the same.
As we were rolling up to the terminal the flight attendent got on the intercom and said "Folks,lets leave your seatbelts on till Captain Kangaroo gets this thing parked.'

I loved that!

I always enjoy the SouthWest cabin announcement along the lines of "in the event of cabin depressurization to put your mask on first and then your childs and if you have two children pick the one you like most for the first mask."

BMT: It took me a l-o-n-g to time to 'get' what you said, I kept repeating the words ... and then it hit me.

Aren't you ashamed of yourself, just a little ???

I like that one!


It has been a few years since I have flown Southwest.
I have since then flown American and United and their attendants had the sense of humor of a wet dish rag.


I did have a funny attendant on a British Airways flight from DFW to London a few years ago.
She asked me if I had any 'rubbish' to dispose of and I answered 'no ma'm.'
She looked at me kind of funny, smiled and said 'how come you aren't flying on an American airline?'

Thanks guys, keep em coming.

Got any one-liners?