Home Forums Hunting & Shooting Hunter's Campfire Ole and Sven

Ole and Sven are sitting in a boat.
So Ole asks Sven, "Why do scuba divers always fall backwards off 'der boats?"
To which Sven replies, "Well, you know, if they fell forwards they'd still be in de boat!"

There you have it.

Good answer!

True wisdom.

Ole ran into a hardware store and hid under a tarpaulin. A cop ran in.

"Did that crazy Norwegian run in here?"

"Ain't seen 'im."

"Whatcha got under the tarp?"

"Harness."

Suspicious, the cop kicked the tarp.

"Yingle, yingle."

Sven's face was bleeding from several open cuts, and it was covered with black-and-blue knots. He doubled-over laughing even as he groaned and writhed.

"Vot's so funny?" Ole asked.

"Dot crazy Mister Jones hit me vit a chain and said 'Take dot, you crazy Norvegian!' Ho! Ho! Ho! Ho!"

"I don't see nuttin' funny 'bout dot!"

"Den he hit me vit de two-by-four and said 'Take dot, you crazy Norvegian!' Ha! Ha! Ha!"

"Vot's so funny 'bout dot?"

"Ay bane Svede!"

Keep them coming Ken! I love those jokes!

Ole went to work for the CIA and failed his first assignment.

Sent out to blow-up a car, he burned his lips on the tail pipe.

The Norwegians invented the toilet seat.

Five years later, the Swedes put a hole in it.

Did you hear about the Swede who was asked how often he had sex with his wife?
- "Almost every day..... almost Monday, almost Tuesday, almost Wednesday..."

Ole heard guys talk about how much fun ice fishing was, so late one boring night he decided to try it. He rummaged around, found an old lantern and a rusty hatchet, and wandered off into the night until he found a big patch of ice.

As he started to chop away, a booming horizon-to-horizon voice said "THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THERE."

Ole ignored the voice � thought that he'd just imagined it � and continued to chop away.

"I SAID 'THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THERE!'"

Ole continued to chop, albeit a bit shakily.

"DIDN'T YOU HEAR ME? THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THERE!"

Discombobulated to the core, Ole jumped up, dropped the hatchet, knocked the lantern over, and shouted into the dark "Wh-who are you � G-God?"

"NO. THE RINK MANAGER."

Lena coyly told Ole that her counselor had said that she needed to have sex every night.

"Dot's fine!" Ole said. "Put me on der list for Tuesdays."

You're killin' me! I wish I could remember a good joke to repeat!

Ole and Lena knew that there was supposed to be something extra-special about their weddding night but didn't know what that was.

"Ve vould hug." That was nice for a while but not as exciting as they'd expected.

"Ve could kiss." That was good too � but �

"Ve could rub bellies." That was even better, but Ole jumped up and ran from the room.

"Ve better not do dot no more!" he said when he came back. "Dot curdled me urine."

Lena takes Ole to the doctor in Sioux Falls...

after examining him the doctor tells Lena that he wants Ole to go home, and return in a week with a Stoole Sample, A urine sample and a semen sample...

after the doctor left the waiting room, Ole who is hard of hearing asked Lena... "Vat da Doctor Say?"

Lena said, " Da Doctor said when ya take a bath on Sunday night, dat he wants me to bring in your underwear when ya come back on Monday..."

Ole's pulling into Sven's driveway,...sees a sign, "Boat For Sale"

Pulls in, parks, and goes to visitin' a bit,

"Sven, I saw your sign, and I know you don't have no boat, all you've got is that old Massey Ferguson and that worn out baler!

















Sven, ....that's right, and I'm sellin' em' Boat !

GTC

Sven und Ole go out Deer hunting...

Ole accidentally shoots Sven, mistaking him for a deer...

So they rush him into the Hospital in Duluth, and he is rushed right into surgery...

The doctor comes and has to inform Ole, that sadly they couldn't save Sven...

Ole starts to cry about his lost hunting buddy...

Doctor asks Ole " so you were out deer hunting when you accidentally shot Sven, is that right?"

" ya, dat it" replies Ole...

"Well Ole" says the doctor " the next time you accidentally shoot a friend while out deer hunting... unlike a deer going to the check in station, you don't have to gut him before you bring him into the Emergency Room!"

Ole and Lena lived on the border of Norda'kota and Souda'kota.

Some years on their taxes, they claim they live in Norda'kota and some years they claim they live in Souda'kota..

Finally the States of Norda'kot and Souda'kota send folks from the Dept of Revenue to their farm...

Dey say, Ole.. you can't claim you live in Norda'kota some years, and then Souda'kota odder years...we're going to send out the 'surweighers' und dey is goin' to surweight da farm.. and sees zactly where da state lines runs...

So da surweighers comes d'out and they surweight Ole's und Lena's farm... dey finds dat the barn sits in Souda'kota and the chicken coop sits in Norda'kota and the state line runs right thru the middle of the house...

So's da states of Norda'koda and Souda'koda comes out again and they give Ole and Lena da new...but dey says to Ole... you'se can pick Norda'koda or Souda'koda as a residences... you'se can't pick da both...we's vill be back in dah veek to gets your answer...

So's da States of Norda'kodas and Souda'kodas dey comes back in a veek..und dey asks Ole " so vhich is it goings to be Ole? You gonna live in Norda'kodas or Souda'kodas?

Ole says "vell, me's and Lenas.. ve talked it d'over... ve's dinkin ve's going to claim to be Souda'koda residents..."

So da representative from Norda'koda asks" is it because Souda'koda's gots cheaper taxes???"

" No " says Ole.." dey's 'bout da same.... but Lena made da decisions...she's says to me.. Ole, Lets live in Souda'koda...
I've about had it wid Norda'koda vinters!"

Sven comes to visit his cousin Ole down in Duluth, from up on "Da Range"... Sven ain't been in the big city like Duluth much.... and he is ready for some action...

As they are walking down the street Sven spies a gal, he goes head over heels about...

' ya Ole, I'm going to walk across da street and ask that gal to go our dancing wid me tonight!"

Ole glances at the gal, whom he recognizes, and tells Sven to skip it.. "dat gals a Lesbian Sven!"

That doesn't both Sven at all... He marches right across the street and greets the gal with " so Baby, my cousin Ole tells me you'se are from Beirut!"

Toivo, Uno and Lena goes down to the bar in Hibbing to goes out trinking for the evening..

'bout 11 o'clock, Lena tells her husband Toivo dat she vants to go home...Toivo replies " but I d'aint done trinkin voman!"

at midnight, Lena tells Toivo agains dat she vants to go home..
and Toivo replies.. "but I d'aint done trinkin yet voman!"

His buddy Lempke, steps up.. and says "Toivo, I's done trinkin, so vhy don'ts I take Lena home and you'se and Uno can stays here and keeps trinkin!"

"Vell, dats mighty nice ofs you Lempke!" says Toivo....

So Lempke takes Lena home and Toivo and Uno stay until the bar is closed...

Toivo is so smashed Uno has to almost carry him home... when they get to the front door, Uno takes Toivo's key to open the door...

and when he does, there is Lempke naked on top of Lena in front of the fireplace 'going to town'....

Uno quickly closes the door, and there is his friend Toivo leaning up against the wall laughing his heart out...

" did's you see dat Toivo?" asks Uno...
Toivo shakes his head yes as he continues to laugh away...

"ain't you mad at Lempke?" asks Uno..
Toivo shakes his head NO, and continues to laugh away..

" how's come you ain'ts mad at Lempke" asks Uno..

Toivo finally quits laughing enough to answer " Vhy be mad at Lempke??? That Finlander is so drunk he's in my house and he thinks he me!"

Hey, joo pinche "Seafire"

How muchg joo charg me,....teach me dat' accent.

I learng dat',.....I stay here Porebber, Meng!

Joo need start school, Obama geeb joo grant, por help hees frengs, joo know.

GTC