Home Forums Hunting & Shooting Hunter's Campfire Bringing a junkie into your house....

Well, I've been with my woman for three years now. An outstanding woman, mother, grandmother. Without a doubt the love of my life. And she's had a tough row to hoe with me...I won't put up with weak, even remotely bad, unkind, or untrustworthy women. I've been burned, and swore it would never happen again. She's proven herself worthy time and again of even the best of men. Hopefully I qualify. She's a great one. No matter what the future holds for us, I know I've met one of the truly kind and good hearted ones.

Over the past several years, I've had to watch her deal with the pain of having a heroin junkie for a son. The sleepless, restless nights. The tears. The nightmares. The crushing pain and worry. It has only been recently...the last year or so...that she's been able to sleep the night through. He hasn't overdoesed in 2 years now, and appears to be trying to get off this chit.

I've been there when she's received the news about yet again, another overdose. Another trip to the hospital. Another cheating death experience for her son. It kills me to watch her go through this. Was a time I swore if I ever met him, I'd lay on him the azz beating of a lifetime that no "man" before in her life was willing to put on him for putting her through this.

Her ex was no real father (at least in the sense of teaching his boys to be men)to their boys. Can't fault him terribly, he lost his father, who was an LEO shot and killed in the line of duty when he was 3 years old. He never knew what it was like to have a man around, and had nobody to show him how to be a man. I guess it's no big mystery that he was not able to show his boys how to be such.

I've watched, time and again over the last few years, as she and her ex made what I thought were catastrophic mistakes in dealing with this boy. The "hard decisions" were never made...or if they were, they were never followed through on. Sure, she's a mother. Maybe not her place to make the hard, cold decision to cut the boy loose, cut him off, and let him hit bottom. I think that's the father's place, and the mothers place to stand by the father when he makes that decision. But, that decision was never really made.

In and out of rehab. About 5 times now. Failed each time. Long story...looked to them like he'd at least have the potential to succeed, but, yet again, he failed.

I am an ex LEO of 10 years, 6 in investigations, and half of those 6 years as an Investigator were "working dope". Buying, selling, kicking in doors. I haven't "seen it all", but I've seen enough. I'm no babe in the woods when it comes to this chit.

I've met this 23 year old boy recently. Took her, her son just returning from Afghanistan, and this boy shooting for a little family get together. Very controlled environment, and I was watching the kid like a hawk. A real shame. Very personable kid. The kind of personality and demeanor of someone who could "make it anywhere". Very respectful kid, who on the outside seems like he'd have so much going for him. An insanely hard worker from what I know. When he is "clean" he does the work of 2 good men. His boss loves him...as long as he is clean, but had to fire him because he was not showing up when he was not "clean". Not the typical "junkie" I dealt with. But, I guess, these days, the "junkies" are not just some street "crack ho" or some black dude in the gutter that I dealt with back in the 80's and early 90's. Now the junkies are your everyday, run of the mill, middle America white boys. Wasn't what I expected. Heroin was not mainstream, middle america then. it is now.

At any rate, this boy appears to be TRYING to get on the right path. I don't know how much success he's had, and I know he's had a relapse or three, but he appears to be trying. Recently, he has apparently given up the "love of his life", his toxic, also junkie girlfriend. He has stated he can no longer be around her if he wants to "get right". Thing is, he's been living with her and her enabling parents for 2 years now.

So, this long story brings us to this week. He wants out. he wants away from her and "that life". Knowing what I do know, I believe that is a HUGE step for him to take. He, apparently, has committed to placing is sobriety before his "love".

With much thought, I had a talk with my W tonight. He has asked, and I will allow for him to stay with us. I told her I need a week or so notice. I need to get the guns out, as well as anything of value. I need to figure out how I can still have a firearm in the house, ready for my use, but secure from him. Working on all that.

I also told her that when he comes, he and I will depart, alone, for a talk. He will be advised that while I like him as a kid, and love his mother, that if he crosses me, or her, in any fashion while in my house (disrespect in any form as I've heard of before, theft, or any kind of drugs in my house), that he will be leaving the very first time it happens, on a stretcher, in an ambulance, and he will never be allowed back. I don't give a chit if I get a charge on me for beating the hell outta this kid. He's needed it for years, and hasn't gotten it. If he crosses me, or her, in my house, it's going to happen. This is a "one chance" type of deal. I don't love him, don't give a chit about him beyond what he means to her, and have zero problem putting the azz beating of a lifetime on him that he so desperately has lacked for so many years. On the other hand, if he is clean, remains clean, and proves he's into this change for the long term, he'll earn things from me he's not come close to experiencing in the past. If he stays clean, I intend to show him the things my father showed me, and that I showed my son...and that is just how important and rewarding the respect and confidence of GOOD MEN can feel to a young man. It worked for me, my two brothers, and my son just [bleep] fine. If you ask any of the 4 of us, we all believe that having the respect of my father and the good men my father surrounded himself with was quite possibly the number one thing that kept us on the straight and narrow. Shooting the chit with proven men around a campfire and hunting big bulls in the falling snow, mule deer on the rim, or even freakin' jackrabbits was far more importaint to us than any "high" some [bleep] drug could give.

If I'm on the wrong track..someone talk me out of this. I think I have the life and professional experince to possibly have a shot at pulling this off. Am I delusional?

You are a braver man then I.
Drug users and Felons are not allowed in my house. Period.

I would encourage you to take a few minuted to examine your statements about the possible need for violence against a person who would be living in your house. As a former LEO, you should be aware this would probably be considered Domestic Violence, and could result in you being prohibited from owning firearms in the future.

I get the feeling that you have more then a small expectation this could go really bad. I guess you could always take up bow hunting after you get out of the clink.

You are a kinder soul than I, I do not even let them into the yard...and I most definitely do not let my daughter hang out with their kids.

I learnt from a young age to not trust druggies of any stripe, and yes I am an unforgiving man.

Been there. Done that with my brother-in-law. Ain't ever gonna happen again. He still is playing my wife's side of the family like a fine violin. For me it ain't happening anymore. At the risk of endangering my marriage I've told my wife that he can go to hell in a hand basket all he wants but if she ever gives him another penny I'm out the door. You pays your money and you takes your chances but when you know you're pouring money down a rat hole its time to stand back an reevaluate your perspective. Some things change. Some things don't.

I've done it. Twice. Two different family members. It's tough. But I've come to realize I can only toss blood to the curb if I know I did what I could to save them. It's just how I am I guess. Blood is blood.

I have a daughter with the same problem, so I have some experience here. If this young man has been living with a heroin user or users and staying clean for any significant period of time, then at the core he is made of stern stuff, because that is nearly impossible. His decision to leave that situation indicates he "gets it". Allowing him to move in with you is a courageous choice because any heroin addict is a one person crime wave when they are using. In addition any action you take has to be carefully evaluated as to whether you are helping this person or enabling him - a hard line to get right. For what it is worth, IMO threatening an "azz beating" would be counter productive. He already knows you're not happy about his choices in life. If you expect self control from him, then you need to display it yourself - part of teaching him proper values. Nothing wrong with laying down the rules, but threats or actual action on the beating part will only hurt both parties. I have been angry enough to give my daughter that type of lesson myself, but no amount of physical violence will overcome the addiction. That must come from inside the person.

First off...where's he living now? You say he's given up the "love of his life"...Are you sure they "her enabling parents" just didn't get tired of his schitt & kick his ass out???

I'd first have a talk with them & get a second side to the story. If they kicked him out, he's probably feeding you a line of BS...if you decide to let him stay with you, you're gonna have to lay out "STRICT" guidelines he'll need to follow...kinda like adopting a psychopathic teenager...

i would not allow him in my home. let the professionals (rehab) handle him. once he's clean, then, maybe, i'd allow him in the home. imo, he made the choice to relapse. no pity from me. ymmv.

Allowing him to move in with you is only enabling him. If he has been to rehab and taken it seriously, he would know that he has to earn the right to be treated like a productive member of society again.

He needs to get back into rehab, complete the program, and find some sort of half way house to get into to earn that respect. Getting a job and keeping it after getting out of rehab is a good start. Only then should you allow him into your home. To do otherwise will have a negative effect on your relationship with his mother.

Both you and your girl friend should start going to an Al-Anon support group to find out how to deal with the addict/alcoholic.

If she is worth having then he is worth helping. I would suggest laying down the ground rules as you mentioned with the insistence he be willing to get into a good solid and ongoing rehab/counciling program and stay in it. You have a golden opportunity to help out a human who desperately needs help.
However,
I'd suggest you consider dropping the tough "ass beating" talk to him, and eliminate that as part of "the plan". In my opinion, it hangs a dark cloud over the whole thing from the start and frankly, no amount of breathing threats will motivate him to stay clean, it has to be something he wants. Practice "tough love"? Most certainly, lay out the consequences from the start. Enter into a gentleman's agreement and move forward with clear understanding he must leave if he breaks the rules. But you can't beat addiction out of a person. This crap out there now days is powerful stuff. It controls their minds to the point they are almost not human.
He needs help, not a beating. He has to realize and accept the help and will still likely fail. That's why he needs a program to be a part of.
And he desperately needs you.

One last thing, God is the Creator of life. HE doesn't experiment, He doesn't make mistakes, He doesn't say "oops". Every life he has created is for a reason and a purpose, including this young man. His life journey has crossed your path and not by coincidence. Just keep that in mind.

I'll say a prayer for you all. Hope things work out for him.

Barbara Eden's story sbout her now deceased junkie son comes to mind. The end result of the tale is that if she had it to do all over again, she would have cut him off and not provided a roof and food for him. With those basic needs covered all the rest becomes their focus.

I am not thankfully in your shoes but I don't think I could let him ive in my home. I'd be more likely to rent a room for them...elsewhere and consider it money well spent.

Never let down your guard. Good Luck.

Is he going to go on a methadone maintenance program, use syboxone, or quit and maintain cold turkey? Heroin ain't easy to get off of. Then you get into the chronic pain issues and that turns to pain mgmt of some sort......you guessed it drugs. It is a life long journey. And money in the pocket burns a hole real fast. Good luck.

the kid would never spend the night under my roof. If your woman is not good with that, then find a new woman, one with less baggage.

Thats just me, of course. If you want to deal with it, more power to you.

There's other fish in the sea. If she brings too much baggage (ie her son), then find another.

If you do give this kid an ass beating, you might go away for awhile. Then mom will let him back in the house, and he'll clean you out. Just sayin'.

44henry

You have a lot of courage to even think of doing this.
Like others said, I'd leave off the beating aspect as it wouldn't likely be helpful.

Realize that you have very low odds on this working in the long run, but also realize that it might just save the young man's life.
If successful, you might save someone else being a victim to his crimes to pay for drugs in the future.

Sometimes risk is worth it for the reward, but be prepared for it to end badly.

I agree with this statement. Good luck but think it over long and hard. One screw up could ruin your life for a long time.

My wife's sister was diagnosed as a schizophrenic, she made life hell for my mother-in-law and wife before we were married. Sis had somehow graduated from college, where she picked up a drug habit, and found work as a social worker, but had been in and out of private and state mental hospitals. After we had been married about ten years, Sis called and wanted money. My mother-in-law was ill and we were providing home nursing care. She just couldn't deal with her errant daughter. So, I put the hammer down on ol' Sis and her latest looser companion, explaining that if they even so much as stepped foot on the property they would be arrested for trespassing. Never saw her again. These people are like termites, never invite them into your home.

I won't let even a common alcoholic anywhere near me or my home, and refused to allow them to transfer into my work unit. My entire family were alcoholics, with my father dying from liver disease. May sound intolerant, but that's the way it's going to be.

The only exception was a cousin by marriage who went for rehab and kicked the sauce. I gave him the benefit of a doubt because as a Navy Seabee he had been partially eviscerated by a rocket attack while operating a dozer in Vietnam. His armed guard abandoned him thinking he was dead. He regained consciousness, stuffed his guts back in as best he could, wrapped his blouse around his belly so he could walk to an aid station. He eventually went blind from cataracts, and had his sight restored by surgery at the VA, enlisted in the Navy Reserve to finish out his 20 at age 38 and succeeded, although he said keeping up with the younger guys was the toughest part. In the reserves he was assigned to airport runway construction projects in Japan. He did all that so his wife would have his benefits. Any SOB that tough and committed deserved a break. He died in 2004 from leukemia.

You of course know, with his history, odds are this will end badly for him, if not while living with you, then while living somewhere else.

His use of narcotics is a symptom of another illness, one that kindness cannot cure.

Give him 200 dollars and point to the street. Tell him to come back in the morning with the same 200 dollars . That's a good first test.

Dan

I work around and deal with meth , crack heroin addicts every day now for over 20 years. Bringing him into your home is a big mistake. You do not the resources or training to deal with him. He needs a long term program and 24 hr care and then a few years in a living in an out patient treatment program like Oxford House.

Addicts are wonderful manipulators and am sure he is a wonderful boy most ofbthe time until he needs his fix.

That is his only hope. You are setting up you and the Wife for failure. He will end up stealing you blind and cause a lot of problems in your relationship with your wife as she will side with him.

Don't do it.