Home Forums Hunting & Shooting Hunter's Campfire A bad time to fart

I was on an elevator all by myself one day, headed down, and really let an awful one rip, one of those ones that is a combo of garlic chicken and boiled p-nuts. I hit the button for '2', and hopped off. It was only one elevator and an old one at that, so it went down to '1' and started back up. In the meantime, I hit the button again, and when the door opened, a lady and her kids were standing there, and the fumes were just gagging-awful. I put on a look of total terror on my face, clamped my hand over my mouth and back-steeped off the elevator. As the door was closing one of the older kids started crying as the woman was trying to blurt something about 'NOT ME!' out.

I cried from laughter all the way down the stairs............

Guess I'm just an old fart. Sems like just about a half hour after eating something the old methane starts to flow. Must come with old age or something.
Howsever, wshen I was in the ASir Force, we had a weather forecaster who loved some very nasty cheese, hard boled eggs and black beer. (Dunno the brand as this was about 1961 or 62.) He'd come in on shift and his was of saying good morning was to rip one off. He must have been saving it all night just so he could say good morning, rrriiiipppp! You could almost see a bilious green cloud foating arouns the weather station, a miasma thay wouold most likely cause death if you inhaled or came into contact with it. Definitely a weapon of mass asphixiation.
The one that really cracks me up has to do with out Pug dog. He's getting old and decrepit, almost totally blinb and about deaf as a post, He likes to sleep on the bed with us and if it's too cool he climbs under the covers. One night after a huge meal of mexican food and beer he does the under the covers thing, snuggles up against me to get warm and goes to sleep. Shortly thereafter, I cut loose with a world class fart, long, load and smelly. THe antics of that dog and the speed and agility he showed making his excaped from that gas chamber of blankets and sheets got my laughing so hard my wife came into the bedroom to see what was happening. Took me almost 10 minutes to quit cracking up so I could explain what happened. The dog? He's fine but refuses to go under the covers anymore, regardless of how cool/cold it might be.
Paul B.

My cousin got married and the reception was at The Four Seasons in downtown Austin. This was a very big party and there was cases of Dom Perignon and Moet Champagne,prime rib,and an open bar with all top shelf booze(all free).
My Brother in Law and I went out to the patio that faced Lake Austin and was shotgunning a bottle of Dom like it was Mad Dog 20/20. A very attractive lady came out and lit a cigarette. We were tucked into a little alcove(hiding basically) drinking and whispering about this beautiful woman when she looked around,moved closer to where we were and she let out a very noisy fart that probably would have blown a hole in her panties if she were wearing any.
It was so unexpected and shocking that My BIL blurted out..."HOW BOUT THEM COWBOYS!!!"
I started laughing uncontrollably and the lady dropped her cigarette and beat a hasty retreat back into the hotel ball room.
I ask him what in the hell he was thinking and he said that he was shocked and just said the first thing that popped into his mind.'
We laughed out asses off... And all the years later it's still funny.

I recall a time years ago in which I had eaten a greek gyro and consumed a few bottles of darker, german beer for dinner. The next day at work, I wasnt feeling so hot, and was in a large office \ room that had 6 of us in there. I was all by myself with my stench until one of the other guys (mr GQ, quite the ladies man) came in and scolded me and said I should go "take care of that." Off I went to the bathroom. The funny part is, shortly after I left; a few cute gals from accounting were walking by the office to say hello to mr GQ, caught the stench, and quickly excused themsleves (thinking of course that he was responsible). I wish I could claim that I thought this out beforehand, but it worked well just the same

Or, another time which was a rite of passage (of sorts). I had been getting owned by my dad, who considered it a special feat to drop an sbd near me whenever convenient (often blaming me as well). We were wiring and installing a ceiling fan in the attic (A nice, balmy Oklahoma day in July), and it was quite warm and humid. Dad was sitting cross legged, and crouched over (under the roof soffit) and was sweating profusely when I let go of a particularly rancid quiet one myself. The look on his face when he finally caught on was priceless! He merely said "you didnt!" and shook his head and said a few choice words to me.

If someone who knows how would post "Mrs Brown's sticky situation" from youtube, it really does apply!~

I never knew there was a bad time to fart?

Interesting concept though; that would appear to be the time NOT to fart!

I'm crackin' up here reading this thread and my big yellow lab walks over to the screen to see what the hell is goin' on.

Priceless.

Denny.

My best friend was in the hospital last week getting over a heart procedure,
He was let out of the room to walk the halls,to get his legs back.
While walking he started farting,one of those multiple discharges.
When he told me about it on the phone all i could do was laugh hard.
Seeing the hall clearing of folks that were visiting at high speed must have been wonderful.
Trust me even when he sees cherry pie and buttermilk he starts up,doesn't have to eat any.
Lot of fun in deer camp.

Christmas season many years ago when I was still married. Wife and I were Christmas shopping in the mall, for some reason I had developed a bad case of gas, they were an extreme version of silent but deadly very nasty smelling farts. Wife was ragging on me all nite "get the hell away from me, go for a walk, ect ect" .
So she finally finished her shopping and was ready to leave, having lots of bags & boxes we jumped into the elevator, just us. We no sooner got in, door closed and I cut loose with particular nasty one, she bitched&moaned cussed me all the way to the ground floor. She shut up just as the door opened, a pretty good crowd were waiting for the ride up, I stepped out, turn to look back her & said "Damn Lady!" And walked off.
Man was she pizzed!

When I was much younger, I had an older guy working under me in a large manufacturing plant. My small office was his favorite place to eat his daily pepper sandwiches and his lunch time always ended with the gaseous results left behind in my office. It was his way at getting back at "the man". As long as I tolerated it without comment, his work was golden. And since he didn't mind proper paybacks, we could both tolerate it....

[video:youtube]https://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_detailpage&v=mLUSfMIQ8Rk[/video]

I must be really crass, I have multiple stories about farts and yes, I think they are funny..............

Wife & I had curry one eve in a nearby town, then on the way back stopped at a roadside stand and got boiled P-nuts, a delicacy around here. After we got home, I started laying 'em out there and they were SO bad, I actually fouled the entire little 1300 sq. ft. house we lived in! The cats took refuge under a bed, near an AC vent, and the wife left to 'go for a drive!'

Another 'small' one is that back in the day, I too worked at a large manufacturing company, and they had some interior offices that had an air system that pulled air from the inside of the building, on the side, not the top. After lunch every day, I would rip one with my butt pushed up to the intake screen, making sure that the fan was running. Eventually, they sent maintenance men over to find the rat that must have died in the vent system. I didn't 'fess up 'till the guys had taken apart most of the system, and from then on, one nickname for me there was 'rat-fart'.

Many years ago I worked at a furniture manufacturer. The kind that mass produced dressers, beds, nightstands etc. and sent them down a roller line to be wiped down, inspected and packaged.

Everyday I had a native american friend that rode with me to work and often times we would go drinking after. One particularly rough morning I had a really bad stomach ache and gurgling gas pains. I was assembling and my friend was wiping down and inspecting units toward the end of the line. He, being still half loopy, purposely scratched one of my units and then called the supervisor over to inspect it.

The Sup kind of chewed me out (while my buddy pointed and laughed behind his back) and told me to go down and fix it. So I go down there and act all serious and say to my friend "didn't you see the chip on this one??" The Sup was close by so he acts all serious and gets down on his knees to give it a good look. This put his face about 3 inches from my azz and I released the thunder (and almost the rain)

I turned around and he had a look on his face like he had seen the Great Spirit himself! He shot backwards on his butt and slid away from me screaming "AHHH OH MY GOD!!" We both busted out laughing and the Supervisor, with a big smerk on his face says "alright boys, get back to work"

All right Janet!

Classic.

In a smart car