Home Forums Hunting & Shooting Hunter's Campfire Wife doesn't love me

I know of two couples that had real bad issues. One had an affair and the other couple just had problems. Both are doing fine now after 14 yrs and 5 yrs. It took a lot of prayer. There is something wrong in her life and she is empty and doesn't know what to do about it so she is looking in the wrong direction. Most likely the best thing is pray together and take control of the situation. She also most likely needs a part time job so she feels like she is part of the team. She doesn't feel important right now so you both need to work together on this. I would set some goals like something that would interest her and something YOU CANT DO FOR HER!!. Pray ,, be possitive and never give up. She will come around. Right now she is looking for leadership from you so she can follow and be a part of the team. This has been going on for 5 -10 yrs so a bandaid won't fix it. A restructure of the marriage is in order. You don't know how to fix it but God does and you have to pray for wisdom about this. After 27 yrs we are still married and it can be very hard cause my wife and I are so different but we always work it out. Without God in our lives we would have been done a long time ago.

You will probably have more money than you had before. YOU can not make her happy, people have to make themselves happy. Secure the lives of your children and yourself, now...

If she wants "Out"....help her move! Stay in the house until you're told by a Judge otherwise. Her choice...her consequence!

This varies by state. In some states, if you back a bag and leave the house in just a few days, there will be a court order preventing you from returning.

Bottom line. Get a good attorney, and do it tomorrow.

As for income, in some states they can impute income to her, even if she doesn't work, for the purposes of figuring Child support. Alimony isn't as common as it used to be, but again, it's a state-by-state issues.

Best of luck to you.

FORGET ABOUT THE BOYFRIEND!

It will only lead to added problems if you pursue the boyfriend in any manner. She'll use it against you!! You are a "sneaky, dangerous, obsessed stalker"...

Get the picture?

Let that go, and go get a FEMALE Divorce specialist attorney.

Yesterday...

Nobody said go after the boyfriend, that would be stupid. He does need to have a detective locate the boyfriend for evidence purposes in the divorce. In most states now adultery will keep a judge from awarding alimony.

In my own divorce a year ago my ex tried to keep her boyfriend hidden. I trotted out 400 hours of recordings, 700 pages of GPS tracking data showing her at his house, and a detective with video recording of her coming and going at his house after spending the night with him multiple times while I was away at work. She'd been lying to her attorney the whole time and he had the deer in the headlight look when he got hit with that. The day before the court date she settled. As I type this I'm lying on the couch in the house that I kept, the house that she started out demanding in the divorce papers along with $2500 a month alimony which she didn't get either.

It matters. Don't go into a fight unarmed.

Sorry, man.

Your biggest punch in the gut now is to realize you made the wrong choice when you picked this one.

The divorce is not your choice, but you have no choice. It doesn't reflect on who you are.

Don't worry about the money, don't worry about the house, about the neighbors, the cars. It'll all take care of itself if you just do the right thing from here on out.

Decide who you want your kids to think you are, and act that way. You are what you do.

From now on, it's just a business deal. She will be covered in guilt, and you can use it. Get all that you are entitled to, and shelter the kids as best you can. There will be a time to tell your side of the story, when they are about 28, and have their own kids.

Find a good, very good, lawyer, now, and find a really, really good counselor for yourself, RIGHT now.

You will be just fine.

Perfect advice Dutch.

I agree.

My thoughts as well.

Birddog65: I am sorry to hear of your tough situation.
I know that you will come through this a stronger person.
I am hoping your Mrs. will come to her senses and your relationship renews itself - if not, remain positive and upbeat as best you can - especially in front of the youngsters.
I have been married, this time, for 39 years and can commiserate with you fully from my distant past experiences!
Again wishing you the best and hoping you can stay strong.
Hold into the wind
VarmintGuy

I'd say get to the bank and get an account in your name only too. Transfer as much as you can to it you're going to need it. Good luck.

She has at least 6 month jump on you... You need to ditch the marriage counselor and get a lawyer...

This story is offered as a ray of hope...

A friend of mine found himself in a situation very similar to yours...

He is a fortune 500 executive and, enjoying the good life, married a stunning lady 20 years younger. Now I value other qualities, but she is attractive, and I understand his motivations, and let's just say that he didn't marry her for her brains.

Anyway, 10 or so years and a couple of kids later she decides she is now "out of love" and wants to separate, divorce, etc. and asks him to leave.

The nerve of these ..."wives"...

So we talked...

He's looking at leaving his home and family, sharing assets, losing his home, and hefty child support and weekends with his kids that he dearly loves, etc...while she and a long parade of "boyfriends" use his multi million dollar home as a personal resort.

That's a grim reality for anyone to face.

It's so sad really, because he is a really good guy, but being a "really good guy" wasn't helping him a bit in this unfortunate situation.

It even brought a tear to my eye...

The "I love you but I'm not in love with you" is a huge red flag dude. Assuming you have been a good husband, are not a drunk, a serial cheater, or beat her, the alternative is she has already found someone else, and is in "the fog".

Women are like monkeys swinging from branch to branch. They won't let go of the branch they have until a new one is in the other hand. Women RARELY just walk away from a good, decent, or even fairly poor marriage without having another guy all set up on the back burner.

-The "ILY,BINILWY" thing is a red flag.
-Has she been especially argumentative lately over small bs or nothing at all? More critical of you than ever?
-Does she have a cell phone that she's recently started locking or takes with her wherever she goes? On the computer more, or locks the computer?
-New outfits? Working out, looking better, more concerned with appearance?
-Running more "errands" than usual?

You get the idea. Don't mean to insult your wife, but the ILYBINILWY thing along with asking for divorce or separation...well, MOST of the time that means one thing (again, assuming YOU aren't a major tool and deserve to be sent kicking rocks).

If she's cheating, and if you want to save it, blow up the affair, expose her and him to everyone of importance in their lives, then start immediately pulling back from her and YOU initiate divorce proceedings. She'll be blubbering and blowing snot bubbles on hands and knees begging for you to forgive her and take her back. Then you need to decide if you even want that any longer.

BUT, you first need to determine if this is the case. If she is having an affair, you need to blow it up (figuratively). If she is, get concrete, undeniable evidence, and then confront her (not before you obtain the evidence though...otherwise she'll deny, deny, deny).

IF she is having an affair, chances are the signs are there, and you've ignored them or they've gone over your head. It happens when you trust someone.

On the other hand, if she has just flat checked out, is playing or feeling the part of the bored, unloved, middle aged housewife, you can turn that around as well I believe, but it might be tougher, and the "180" not so easy to work from your end. First thing, were it me, I'd give her the "space" she wants. All of it she could handle. Nothing will drive a woman further away than clinging onto them when they are in the process of pulling away. Make yourself scarce. File for divorce. Make her think more about her life without you, than she's thinking about her life with you. That is done by making her experience it.

But wait...that's not the end of the story...

Like I said we talked, and it would certainly take some kind of miracle for him to turn the situation around.

Praying and waiting for a miracle, while noble, might be effective in some cases, but in others, maybe not so much.

To make a long story short, here's what he did...

He resigned his 6 figure position with the Fortune 500 company.

The reason, he told everyone, the company, and including his wife, was that he was willing to sacrifice his career to spend more time with his family and to work on his marriage.

So with zero income, any financial settlement to the wife would be greatly diminished, and the cost of the divorce, attorney's fees, etc would have to be paid out of mutual assets, (rather than coming out of his end), the house would be lost, cars repossessed, credit collections, etc...

A sobering reality indeed for wifey...

Now I know that most guys wouldn't have the inner fortitude to make such a decision, but the first rule of any negotiation is to level the playing field, and remember that he's a Fortune 500 executive and he's not afraid to make Executive Decisions.

So fast forward 10 years later...yep, the happy family is still together, and the boyfriend is long gone.



I call it win/win.

I empathize with your pain and anxiety. Divorced 15 years ago after 25 years of marriage. Ended up closer to my 3 daughters and now SIL's than I ever imagined. I pray for your strength as I have never seen a successful reconciliation. God has a plan, and remember, when He closes one door, He open's another.

God Bless,


DMc

After my divorce, for the next two or three years I would not have been able to afford to buy a woman dinner even if I had a date. I hope it doesn't go that way for you.

Listen up, wake up!

She has been planning on leaving you for some time at this point. Ask yourself what else is going on, is she burning through the credit cards, she may use the marriage counseling to play you for time while getting into position to tap you out.

The judge is your worst enemy, he doesn't care about you, he just wants to clear his cases so he can play more golf. Here is how he does it. He will set the separate temporary support payments for her and the kids so high that you will be actually wanting the final hearing, but it want come fast enough for you (at the final hearing they have to set the payments within the state controlled guidelines), which will be about half of the amount he temporarily sets. Then her lawyer automatically has three opportunities to postpone and string you out. This accomplishes saving the judge his time because you will be too broke to try for custody, or anything that would take more hearings, etc.

It would be worth it for you to take off a half day of work and sit in your county family court and listen to the cases, and learn how many ways the state divides your life and hope of a future.

Others on this thread have warned you to squirrel away some money. Make that CASH, because the courts can close all of your bank accounts until after the final hearing.

The answer to your question is no, your wife will not be made to go to work, because the court holds you responsible to maintain her in the style she has been accoustomed to or the judge will put you in jail. Of course after the divorce is over she will go back to work or marry another man.

Unless she is deeply emotional, committed, and willing about HER desire to "work it out" in marriage counseling, it is over. So sorry.

If you want to win the Game of Love sometimes you have to play Hard Ball...

It's been posted here before..."Women divorce for ONE reason, they think another bull will make them happier and the grass will be greener in a new pasture."

I'm truly sorry for the situation you're describing. Lots of men are giving you sound advice here.

Take it.