My girls are used to hearing:

I'm gonna beat you like a government mule!

"wish into one hand, chit into the other... see which one fills up the fastest."

"Aw [bleep]". Also "get over to the right lane you <various descriptors>".

I used to tell my soldiers on Friday nights before they would head of to the clubs:

Remember, you can drink enough to make 'em pretty, but you can't drink enough to make 'em thin!

Had quite a few try though, and i would hear all about it on Monday morning.

That's one of my favorites too Dave

beaten like a rented mule or red headed stepchild were favorites in my family growing up.

i use "don't piss on my leg, then tell me its raining" often its a favorite

As an answer to a request:

People in hell want ice water too.

You want it when? BWHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

"Democracy starts at the curb, if you do not like it get the fudge out" (to my 21 and 20 year old sons who are always pushing the envelope with me)

Obama sucks.

One of my Dad's favorites when i was a kid:

Son, I'm bout to knock you into next week.

And don't reply with: "Good, I've always wanted to see the future." It's quite painful.

I'll slap you so hard your grandmother's dentures will fly out.

Gotta remember that one, mom wears Dentures.

I'll twist yer head around so far ya could look yerself in the eye!

Funnyest one I've heard is one I heard in Jacksonville,Fla many years ago someone shouted about a couple of girls walking down the street.

"They'll give you curb service!!!! They have a matress tied to their back!!!!"

I was figurin you were down in Tillicum again.

Mind the Lord

Don't ask the question if you think you might not like the answer.....

WTF

That wasn't in response to WVBlue

Thats what I tell people who ask me something when they know I am not going to tell them what they want to hear

"Quit yowling"

Standard answer to my kids when they would ask me "why" when I told them they could not do something....

"Because I AM, and your NOT, and when you are, you won't be living here anymore...."

i run the print shop here at the paper and quite often ppl wait till they are out of something before ordering more envelopes.....they often say "....and i need this tomorrow" to which i reply, "then yah shoulda ordered it last week"


the girls are bothe near true blonds though both have brown hair and often hear "dammit short bus go grab a helmet we are upgrading you to window licker"

How does it feel to want?

To my kids when they were young. "Because I am the Dad, the only reason you need."

A lack of planning on your part DOES NOT constitute an emergency on my part.

Get a life.

"Life will go on, with you, or without you"

"So, how's that working out for you."

"I didn't vote for him."

"You don't want this 'til yesterday, right?"

Always told our kids - "Life's just a series of choices, don't make the wrong ones twice."

From my signature line - "If it ain't something, it's always something else."

That's my new one and it comes up often, both in private and in public!

Ask the two ladies that asked for my signature on a health reform petition. They were shell shocked and had few words to defend their Messiah!

cruel, but so funny

Hate that for ya

If stupid was money, you'd be a billionaire.

No, I didn't take it as that. Sorry.

"What's your favorite saying, daily usage type"

My answer to the original question.

WTF

You can choose your actions, but not the consequences.

I like to use the acronym CRS. Can't Remember Schitt.

when someone says "i don't know.."

my fav: "we could fill a warehouse with what you DONT know."

"Nothing in the affairs of men is worthy of anxiety." Plato

When someone says " If I would have ______ "

I like to say "yah, well, if a frog had wings, he wouldn't bump his azz everytime he jumped."

Been know to use that one too!

I have often refered to some people as "worthless even for soylent green."

Lets see:

A brick shy of a load.

Attic light is on but the stairs don't go all the way up.

Not worth the powder to blow em to hell.

Front door is open but nobody is home.

Some people are just a waste of oxygen.

Useless as teats on a boar hog.

Musta rode the short bus.

If your brains were gunpowder, you wouldn't have enough to blow yer nose.

its hotter than a two dollar whore on nickle night

Or how about Northern Dave's Signature line:

"Hold my Beer & Watch This......."

That one's got to rate right up there near the top of the list....

I did hear a new one today:

"Sweating like a Queer in a Hot Dog factory."

Unabashedly quoted from a recent popular C&W song

"God is great, beer is good, and people are crazy"

GTC

Alotta truth in that one

Happier than a [bleep] in Boy's Town.

Shaking like a dog Schitting peach pits

Crazier than Les in a whorehouse with a stolen credit card.

"Blowing harder than Barney Frank at a Boy Scout camp"


Shamelessly stolen from the redoubtable Steve__NO

There I fixed it

Pumpguns favorite:

Les made me do it!

Watch out for that (insert anything in the oil field), "itll kill anybody old enough to die"

Ah yes, I almost forgot the one that describes the Chancellor to a T

You Can't Polish a Turd

Another truism

Just because I'm paranoid does not mean they're not out to get me...

For me , just before the time travel punishment was stated , I occasionally heard something that sounded like :

" Well that just frosts my a$$ " Kinda fuzzy on those recollections though .

he's more nervous than a lawyer hooked up to a lie detector.

Yep, I too am fuzzy on a lot of Dad and Mom sayings,a s i was usually hearing them just before the daily beatings.

Saw one here last week as a sig line , got the chance to type it to my wife when she emailed me over some goofy stuff .

DILLIGAF

She got a kick out of it after I filled in the first few words for her.

One of my Dad's in response to someone saying "IF"

Yeah, well if the dog hadn't stopped to schitt, he would have caught the rabbit.

I think it more than say it.

"Men make plans and the gods laugh."

Been a few years , but often used re college kids trying for to make some good $ by hiring on to a commercial roofing crew as summer help.

" So , just how many years of schooling did your parents pay for , for you to get this dumb ? "

Wife to me or other way around regarding trying to talk sense to a brainwashed disciple of the way left wing loony toons :

Ron White quote " You caint fix stupid "

A gun in the hand is better than two cops on the way

lol

Stupidly, your as stupidly as a Hussein.

We quote Ron White often, too . . . love that line.

When someone asks me if I remember so and so or such and such, my typical response is "Nope, I've slept since then."

When someone says "If only (insert whatever) . . ." they usually get what my Gramma always said "If ifs and buts was candies and nuts, we'd all have a real nice Christmas."

When I meet an acquaintence I haven't seen for a while and they say "It's good to see you." I usually respond with "It's good to be seen."

In our household, we seemingly have thousands of quips and retorts . . . for most any situation . . . maybe it's our way of avoiding having meaningful conversations ? ? ?

Any one that asks me " How ya doing ?"
I reply " Well I didn't wake up dead today , so I'm doing great , and How you doing ?

even a broken clock is right twice a day

Shamelessly stolen from Larry the Cable guy: "More nervous than a gerbil in a San Fransisco pet shop."

To the helpers on a hot day when we are all dying of thirst, Suck it up princess we will be done in an hour!

"Really? I mean seriously..."

"Yeah, I'll get to that...The second Tuesday of next week..."

What I remember hearing dad said about Les was...

"If you had brains, you'd take em out and play with them."

What Les used to endearingly call me...

"Gonad"

ahh come on sally, you want me to hold your purse while you do that

I did not..................Hemorrhoid maybe

Don't you kids make me pull this forum over!!!

Obama sucks.

Scuse me, I need to go drop Obama off at the pool

You plus millions of others.

Delivered with a Ron White style:
you had a fifty fifty chance of getting it right ...... you were wrong!

Let me help you out, which way did you come in?

My personal favorite for work:
"Didn't you see the sign on the front door that sez: WARNING, thruth, logic, and reality cease to exist beyond this point! Enter at your own risk!"

Another fav:
Truth is the first casualty in a manager's meeting.

sorry is a sign of weakness

Stinks so damn bad,

it'd knock a maggot off a gut wagon.

GTC

just sayin...

I like "your nuttier than a squirrel turd" and "you'll have that on them big jobs" (usually said to somebody that screws up something simple)

Well, YOU voted for him, usually said to a guy who damned straight wouldn't vote Obama if you held a gun to his kid's heads. Nothing makes him as mad as that, hehehehehe.

"If the Lord wills....."

~ It can be from anywhere.

I say "roger that", about 20 times a day.

'Jesus F*#@ing Christ'

Yeah I got a neighbour yelling that all day here and I'm about ready to throw this 2x4 across his head. Ever since they put that Jesus Flippen swimming pool there. LOL

What comes around goes around.....

it is ....................what is is

several fav's

" eat chitt and die!" or worse, "eat chitt and live!"

" Dee Dee Dee!"

" such is life..."

" some people are alive simply because it is illegal to kill them"

" I'm your huckleberry..."

" some will, some wont, some do, some dont, others might, but in the end, who really gives a chitt?"

" too close for missiles, switching to guns"

AND THE END ALL SAYING HEARD MOST OFTEN!!!!!

"HUH?"

i am glad you noticed my signature line after three months Crossfire...

latley it has been "fuggin excavators"

i have a feeling here Bogger, that on Saturday it will be "fuggin skwirrel, eat lead!"

Thanks for bringing that up,..... from frequent user thereof,

It's a powerful cuss,.....no?

In theory we're forgiven for this sorta' language

If not,......

see ya' in Hell.

GTC

One I used to hear frequently on job sites was "that's about as f'd up as a soup sandwich"

A hillbilly buddy of mine, after delivering some great truism, will punctuate it by declaring "and if'n ya don't like that, ya can kiss my azz 'til I bark like a fox!"

"Talk is cheap, it takes real money to buy good whiskey."

And...

"...don't know s**t from dirty pudding."

If it don't kill you, it will make you stronger

His driveway doesn't go all the way out to the street.

Smells bad enough to knock a fly off a schittwagon at 50 yards.

BOY, i brought you into this world and i can take you out!

my dad....

Do what you can afford!

Or how about the new one that just surfaced recently.....


Some Village in Kenya is missing it's VILLAGE IDIOT

If my Aunt had balls, she'd be my Uncle.

And this, too, shall pass...

My boss is an idiot!!!

"[bleep]' people" is one I use daily...

One I really like to use when talking about crazy or stupid people, they are nuttier than squirrel chit.

Don't your mouth write checks you azz can't cash.

The gene pool could use a little more chlorine.

He's/she's so dumb he/she couldn't find his/her ass in the dark with both hands if all 10 fingers were flashlights!

I don't want to hear the labor pains, I just want to see the baby!

It's nice to be important, but, it's more important to be nice.

In answer to "How you doing?"

Fair to terrible, working on shiity but things are looking up.

In answer to a clerk asking "Can I help you?"

Gotta a winning lotto ticket?

To any man holding a wine cooler or other foo-foo mildly alcoholic drink:

"You know....you drink enough of those and you'll actually grow a vagina."

So many good aphorisms,....so little time.

The fella' from Cranbrook came real close,......

Down here, we say,

"Don't know [bleep] from bean dip"

GTC

"No, people don't say that about you.... as far as you know."

Chevy Chase in Caddyshack (like to use that one and variations of it on my wife)

[quote=Gadfly]One I used to hear frequently on job sites was "that's about as f'd up as a soup sandwich"

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
I have a new favorite!

I use that one a lot and also-about as f'd up as a football bat. miles

queer as hockey cleats

queer as a three dollar bill

you dont know sheep chit from cottonseed

Life is pain. Anyone whos says different is selling something.

Usually used in context of talking to one of our sales guy who sold a messed up job.....

"You could F*** up an anvil with a rubber mallet"

This has got to be one of Scott's pick-up lines from the strip clubs:

It's a dog-eat-dog world and I'm wearing Milkbone underwear

Whats your favorite saying, daily usage type...

"Yes honey I'm going to get on the Campfire forum again......"

"Why are so many people ate up with the dumbass?"


George

I am busier than a one-armed paper hanger!

I am as hungry as a one-eyed dog in a meat market.

Use same in German:

"H�tte der Hund nicht geschissen, h�tte er den Hasen gekriegt."

"May the fleas of 10,000 camels infect the crotch of the man who has messed up your day, and may his arms be too short to reach!"

Something I tell our engineer's on a daily basis: "You're lack of planning doesn't constitute an emergency on my part" or, the 7P's, "Proper prior planning prevents piss-poor performance"

"Purina Point"

so cheap he squeeks when he walks.....

such a tight ass could make diamonds out of coal.....

hornier than a two peckered goat........

as sharp as a marble......

2 beers short of a six pack.....

even a blind squirrel finds a nut every once and awile....

lets make like geese and get the flock outa here....

today is as good a day to die as any other


we work in 65mph traffic work zones

"Ah, fer F*x sake!" or, "bastards!"

Ones my wife hates to hear me say, "I'm ready to meet my maker." Or, "I've made my peace with God." Or, "I like this shirt, I could be buried in it."

"I reckon so" is what I use more than any other. I also use "it's amazing they lived" which refers to the object having been beat nearly to death with a stupid and/or ugly stick.

My Dad's was "you may be big, and you may be dumb, and you may be ugly...but other than that you don't have much going for you" and it was usually directed at me.

My daughter uses "drive it like you stole it" and I'll probably incorporate it into my daily use.

"I ain't sayin'....I'm just sayin'...."

Don't know how I got started on that. Been trying to curtail the cussing. F bombs are down to about every 10th word now (outside of work) but the monster "C" word (the one all women hate) used to be my favorite for a long time. Finally broke that ugly habit.

I also tend to say this "First Pearl Harbor and now this!" when someone tells me a problem they are having and I just don't care.

Happens fairly regular round work for some reason.

mind if i burrow that one it fits at work LOL

10-4 go ahead.

I was having one of those "off" days at the gym the other day and one of my Grandfather's old gems popped into my mind.

"Weaker than three day old Pi$$ with the foam farted off"

"Well no sh*t Sherlock!"

"Sure wish we had some gunpowder."

"Do I look like I care?Because I don't."

"Colder than a witches tit."

"Hey genius,where's the remote?"

WB.

Another one of my favorites is "Pull!".

A couple I use at work pretty regular,
Don't yell, or I'll quit!
When looking for a tool or part setting right in front of me,
Stop looking, I found it.( very loud so that everybody hears it)
Charlie

almost forgot the one I use the most "f*** me dead" - it fits so many situations...

For me "Chit happens."

The 6 Ps.

Prior planning prevents piss poor performance.

That's the best food I ever lifted a lip over.

If you don't stop that I'm gonna snatch you bald headed.

You like apples? How 'bout them apples?

It is what it is. Seems like I say it more and more these days.

were you born stupid or did you have to learn it

Some years ago, I changed that one to:

Busier than a one lipped man in an azz kissing contest.

did your parents have any children that lived?

You asking me?

no Bruin,you haven't done anything stupid with me around

Another one that gets used a lot-

"That cigar chompin a$$hole!"-can also be used as a plural,such as "What a bunch of cigar chompin a$$holes they've got workin the phones."

I use it everytime I get off the phone with a gov't employee.

WB.

Around construction sites these always work well "That won't fit" -that's what she said !

Too short -that's what she said.

Too long - '' '' '' ''.

Very universal.

WTF seems to come out now and again. But I do remember what my grandpa used to say: "Boy, you straighten yourself up, or I'll knock the tar out of you as long as a string!" Seemed to work. Tom

"I didn't tell you to WANT to do it."

or

"You don't get to choose wether or not to do it; you get to choose if you do it before or after the a** whoopin'."