Can you make bruises go away?
I need them gone in 3 days...
HELP!!!!!

Makeup

Prom pictures?

sure it's not a hickie?

Not the answer I'm look'n for.

Not really explainable....

In all seriousness though, if you have a wagreens or CVS handy you can get some of the "super blue stuff" or "blue emu oil". I have had good luck with that.

all kidding aside whole foods has something call scar-go----works pretty good for bruises as well. And apply ice packs and then heat 48 hours later. Lay off any meds that thin blood like aspirin and Ibuprofren.

My mom used to use vinegar. But then she used it for everything...

Good luck..

ain't gonna work Bart and I understand your dilemma really well.


trying to juggle two or more felines is more art than science.


your best bet is to go see the other one and whack her hard right off the bat, no hello, kisses or nuthin, just bust her, not hard enough to hurt her, just pizz her off.


let her beat the chit outa you and you claim those bruises are ones she gave you.


oh btw you're welcome

A bruise is blood seepage underneath your skin. Time is the only way to get rid of it. Maybe a cold pack will help, at least it might keep it from getting bigger.

Back a long time ago, they used to reccommend putting a steak on your eye for a shiner. I guess because it was cold, but I don't know if it helped. It was on The Little Rascals and other kid movies so it must work.

The answer is: hide it in plain sight. IOW, make it worse with more bruising or an added abrasion or contusion (as required by your specific condition/circumstance you may or may not need to add 'supporting' wounds in places other than the one in question). Done properly so that the explanation of said injury is logical and indisputable, voila, the once incriminating condition disappears in the fog of the other boo boo. Problem solved. Classic distraction tactic. You're welcome.

Leeches!

Good idea from lhonda! Get a police report describing how you battled off the thugs trying to mug that little Granma crossing the street. Beat yo'ownsef with a stick to cover up the existing bruises...

Next time wear velveted handcuffs....Good luck!

P.S. Here's the other part: 'Baby I'm ashamed to admit it but the truth is that I missed you so much I guess I went and overdid it with the booze the other night. What with all the loneliness and all, I just had a moment of weakness. I'm only human, after all. Anyway, I guess halfway through the night I musta' gotten up out of bed with a screaming case of the hungry horrors or dehydration, and on my way to the kitchen the damned dog ran in front of my stagger and I fell into the tool box/coat rack/dining table...'

Man, you guys are cold!!

Arnica cream from your health food store is about as good as there is. Probably won't be quite as quick as you're wanting, but it does help a lot.

Just in case anyone is looking for a way of creating bruises, I have a helpful suggestion. Take one lawn mower with a loose blade. Pull back sharply on the starter cord. With any luck at all, it will come part way and then be ripped from your grasp. If things work out well, you will be jerked forward before losing your grip on the t-handle. At this point, should good fortune continue to shine upon you, the cord will whip around a cross-member on the mower handle with the aforementioned t-handle spinning around and striking you in the chest. The period of time spent in a bent-over position with your hands on your knees while you wait for the pain to subside can be spent in anticipation of a truly magnificent bruise to form. Patience is of the essence here as it will take a few days to achieve the full richness of color, but the wait is well worth it. Hopefully this will be of help to someone. Best to all, John

Dang it hurts to be kicked 'there' don't it

Just tell her, "Not tonight, I have a headache".

Be careful dude, I think David Carradine went out that way...

5sdad, I had one several years ago similar to that. My dad is the dumbest person I know. That being said, he is also a rancher. That means that a cow is more important than anything. He had a place in N.D. several years ago that used to be a horse ranch. That means no corrals for cattle, just horses. Definitely different purposes for each kind of enclosure. Good cattle can be worked very easily with a good set-up, and it's a mightmare without. Big, long pens with no small areas don't mix, especially with a yearling bull. Dad wanted to take the horns off this Hereford, so there I was roping him as he went by. After I got the rope on him (no horse), I still had to get him tied off. On one lap I managed to get the end of the 30' nylon around a post, but just barely. All I had was the last 10 inches in my hand and only 3/4 of a wrap. As the bull went by, I had to duck under the rope, and that put a lot of pressure on the end in my hand. When it came loose, with the rope at nearly full stretch, I was stending up again right next to the post. The knot on that rope came around at about mach 2 and caught me just inside the shoulder on the pec. I went down on my knees for a few seconds and never saw a thing. One second the rope is in my hands, the next, a lot of pain! We finally got him tied up and the job done, but I still wear a scar from that one. I asked dad when he was going to build some decent pens, and he replied he didn't think there was any problem with these! you story brought back quite a memory. Jeff.

Road trip.

Yep. It can also be gotten in tablet form.

Arnica
Montana
30X

It'll take more than a dab of Revlon for you to hide this, Bart:

At least 3-4000 mg Vitamin C per day and "Arnicaflora" gel. Any arnica gel should work but GNC usually carries this one. Vitamin C is said to be water based and as such doesn't store in the tissue but if you use too much the the term loose as a goose will come to mind. Good luck.

so.....what/where are the bruises?

Arnica! gel, cream, and also as a remedy!

This will minimize swelling, take out soreness, and heal it faster.

I have had bruises go from bruise to the yellow stage in a day or two.

Every parent should this stuff in the medicine cabinet.

My son used to hit his forehead on corners and get a goose egg. The arnica rememdy, a sugar based tablet dissolved quickly in the mouth, would calm the boy and he would NOT get a goose egg.

Good Luck!

Short term: Not much one can do.

Long term: Smaller and stay on top of things.

You can massage the area every 20-30 minutes to get blood into the area to disperse the blood in the bruise.

And IIRC it even works on hickeys - but that was a long, long time ago.

Shoulders and biceps...

stick a tampon in your belly button.

i think leeches are your best bet to get rid of them quickly

See if you can find a vampire listed in the phone book.

BCR

leeches are fine but don't underestimate the wicking power of a tampon stuffed into your belly button.

Probably should get some vitamin C too... 2 cans of frozen OJ concentrate should be about right.

and it wouldn't hurt to shave your junk either.

Might as well throw the entire modern medicine handbook at this one. OJ, Shave Junk, Tampon in belly button.

That should fix the bruises and probably cure some things you didn't even know you had.

good advice dave as per usual


Bart walks in OJ concentrate running down his chin, tampon hanging out his bb, over his freshly shaved junk, who's gonna notice a bruise or two?

and if she does, just tell her you stopped by your dad's place before coming over, thus the bruises.

alternatively just let her go, if she picks up on the bruises after going to all that trouble, she's a type A personality anyway.

gonna be hail to pay for years to come when she finds empty beer cans in your sock drawer as she's putting your clothes away.

it ain't good to have a woman that's a noticer of such things

in retrospect too bad Col. Cooper has departed us

I'm almost certain he'd want to add to his famous line


"ain't much in life that can't be fixed

with $700

or a .30/06

but might be worth trying

2 cans of frozen OJ

shaving your junk

and a tampon hanging out your belly button

way cheaper than $700"

My wife is less than graceful and is always running into/tripping over things. She uses a comb and rubs a bruise and them go away.

S'matter? New girlfriend no likey previous babe's hickeys??

Thought about this all night. Just get the strongest viagra that you can. Long as that last she'll never even see or care about the bruises.

I dunno, Bart. I think any makeup applied to your palms would rub right off.

Take one of them little black hair combs, ya know the one's yer dad used when you were a kid, pull it down across and from side to side, bristles down, it will take and pull the blood from the surface and help it go away quicker, works like a wonder on hickies. Les

Keep your clothes on in the light.

Please.

Cover with duct tape... just explain that you had an outbreak of warts and the duct tape makes them go away.

Sounds like your dominatrix was a little rougher than usual.... did you not pay your bill?

Use camo duct tape for everything.

Stick a bunch of ticks on it.




Clyde

Vitamin C in large doses will thin the blood. That's the opposite of what he needs.

Administered by Baroness Von Stern, from the Castle of Dominance?

Here ya go,Brother Bart.Dont say I never done nothing for ya.

this should do the job

dang fluffy,

up to this point I had a nice mental image of Bart with his newly shaved junk, tampon hanging out his belly, rubbing creams and salves on his bruises while combing them and lookin thru the phone book for vampires and leech dealers!


but you spoiled it, two of those and a new Harley problem solved

that bird dont fly

oh and Bart,


for future reference it would be helpful if we had video of the bruises being administered.

probably be able to give you better solutions


it's the scientific approach

A "nice" mental image?

Dude, I fear you have caught it.

Or tell her you missed her so much you over did it and show her your hand and say to her:


"Look here it's growing hair on the palm of my hand!".

You boys sure assume alot...And....
Why does my junk itch?

Did you use Florida Orange Juice?

That itching is normal, should only last 2 or 3 weeks.

whoaaaa podner!


I ain't going there, whether JOG thinks I've caught "it" or not!



am thinking it'll take more than the pocket comb to allieviate that though.


am almost afraid to ask, but here goes


is the itch internal or external?



perhaps a worldly man like isaac can help?


or maybe that link fluffy provided has those sleeves available for small arms?

No worry. It'll quit itching when it falls off.

+1.

Go borrow a 10 gauge single shot and let the new girl shoot it once. She'll then understand how you got bruised on your shoulder and bicep...don't ask how I know.

Now covering up the scratch marks on your back is another story.

Who woulda thunk? I CHIT YOU NOT - there's a youtube video on removing bruises. I can't vouch for it working - my mosh pit bruises have healed but check this out...

Bruise removal...danicman2000

I've got a few of those fishing offshore in some pretty nasty sea's

The police need those for their records, just leave them.