I need some parenting advice.

My oldest daughter and her husband are on the skids. Their marriage never recovered after they lost their baby. Neither have a job or income right now. My daughter and other grand daughter have been staying with my ex.

Well, last night my ex got drunk (the reason she's my ex) and kicked my daughter & grand daughter out on the street. I want to ask the girls to stay with my wife and I because we have an extra room.

Is this a bad idea? Anyone have some words of wisdom or experience? I can't think clearly at the moment.

Thanks,

Gary

make sure that, if you want this to be temporary, you tell them so. set a time limit, and try your best to help them achieve what they need to get back on their feet.

That's what family is for...

Hopefully your present wife has a good relationship with your daughter. I would make it clear she needs to help out while she is living with you.

Take all 3 of the above members advice and run with it. I know I would not be able to turn mine away in a true time of need.

Never turn your back on family - my motto. It appears that you and the daughter are on decent terms - take her back, help her out. It's just the right thing to do IMO.

Gary, this is a tough one. We just went through this with one of our twin daughters,age 42. Down on her luck and nothing in the future. She is a hard worker but has a real problem with the bottle. It lasted 27 days and she was OUT!!!!! Guess you could call it tough love or whatever but she disrespected her mother and I several times,never here and always at a local bar, as she said just hangin out.

There has to be firm rules of the house,I wish you luck.

there is nothing wrong with helping out family UNLESS they are taking advantage of you or the situation. When it gets to that point or to the point that you are just enabling them then it is time to do something different.

Set the ground rules from the start (time limit of stay, helping out, looking for work, ect...) If she is appreciative of your help she will want it as short of time as possible.

last time I checked,Dad was a lifetime position,you have a good heart to even consider it,I would follow the other posters advice as far as rules,time limit and chores.

you may just get yourself a new pal spending time with your grand daughter too.

I could not turn my back on any of my family.The wife would have to understand.Of course that goes two ways.Good Luck, Lightman

It would be hard for me to conceive of the circumstances that I wouldn't let my daughter come home to live with me. I'm sure there are some, but I'm having a hard time thinking of any.

You might make it too easy for them to not try and improve their lot...

Well providing she can provide me with a plan. If she can show me how moving home will allow her to better her current situation (school or training), as long as she sticks to the regiment I would help her. Sometimes kids take a long time getting their act together, make her prove to you that this is her time, how does she intend to make this opportunity work for her, aside from taking advantage of family.

Just my opinion, make her provide a game plan.

To each his/her own. I'm speaking within the context of knowing my own child. I can certainly conceive of circumstances, in general, where a parent would turn a child away. Even at that, it would have to be a serious "end of the rope" type deal.

Life is a kick in the balls sometimes.

Set clear expectations up front and do your best.

Gary,
Not being a parent I have no advice to give, but I will keep you and your family in my prayers.

A job in 89 days. ANY JOB or it's a tent under a bridge.

Well keep in mind, after 90 days you won't be able to legally throw them out.

There it is, I did thus for my daughter years ago and never regretted it.

Depending on her, you might need to lay some ground rules. If she drinks heavily or does drugs, you need to make it clear that you have a no tolerance rule. It's YOUR house.

All mine would have to do is show she's in need. I'm her father, and she's my baby girl, and always will be. Now how that "time of need" came to be would dictate how I would handle it from there, but unless she's a felon on the run, I would, at the very minimum, let her "crash for a while".

Make sure she understands what you expect from her.Type up an agreement and have her sign it.Stick to what you agree to.I went through the same thing with my Daughter and my Grandson.My daughter had a job and payed me room and board.She wanted to save money to buy her own house.She stayed with us for 6 years and obeyed house rules.When she said she had enough money to make a good down payment on a house,she moved out.I gave her a check for all the room and board she gave us.She would not have got it if she did not keep her word.

I don't think that there is a question here....unless there is substance abuse. You are a Dad and need to take care of your daughter. BUT your Wife comes first. Do not injure your home life for a lost cause.
Having said that I WENT AND GOT my daughter and my Grandson and brought them home to alter a situation and give her options. There was a plan from the beginning and she lived up to it and is doing well with her life at this point.
It may not be easy bringing anyone back home after getting used to a house without kids but it can be productive and quite satisfying.

You are in our thoughts. Good luck sir. Bear

Yes, to a point though.

6 years? Not on my watch. .02

Plinker,

You didnt mention that your daughter had any other problem than being without a place to live. I have 2 daughters and while they aren't old enough to have kids yet, I cant think of any reason that if they needed my help, that I wouldn't give them a place to stay until they could better their situation.

As long as your daughter and grand-daughter know they need to pitch in and help out where they can and know it is not a permanent arrangement, absolutely. Don't know if you need to set an "end date", though, as that could get dicey under the wrong circumstances and the way it might be proposed. Be careful not to turn them into "slaves" by requiring them to do everything under the sun you and your wife don't want to do. Ya catch a lot more flies with sugar than with vinegar. Besides, every day could become a "teachable moment" for both daughter and grand-daughter if you work it right. Good luck.

Maybe in Mexifornia you couldn't throw them out. Their visitors only no rent and just let her know in no uncertain terms if she wears out her welcome she's gone. Avoid any commitment to a date on the stay. In fact maybe one day or so a week she might want to go to a friends house.

Some people you just cant help.Others you can.Its your choice.

Yep...the common buzzword is "enabling"....and I personally have never seen it turn out well...JMHO


Ingwe

always a rough thing to deal with.

My suggestion would be to help, if needed, in setting up a place of her OWN.

That usually works out better than them moving back in.........especially if you have a wife now that is NOT the mother.

I feel strongly that family needs to help family. There are a variety of methods though, that will accomplish the goal of having a safe place for her and her children to live.

In my world blood is thicker than water....but I haven't been married as many times as mannlicher.

How many times Mannlicher has been married has nothing to do with anything here---that was a cheap shot on your part.
Blood is thicker than water is a good excuse for some kids to walk all over their parents or grandparents. Some parents don't raise kids to be adults and those kids want nothing more than to look for sympathy and a free ride, rather than a route to independence and responsibility. BTDT, and in the long run sometimes it is better to practice tough love, than to further enable a person who is used to being enabled.
I'll gladly help a family member who is trying to help themself, but I won't help anyone who won't help themselves.

Gary, my daughters will always have a place in my house, but they will have to be a contributing member, that is all I could ask. Les

Yes, with rules, limits and duration. She is your child and they are your grandchildren.

Helping grown kids isn't a leagal obligation, but for me I feel a emotional obligation. The "enableing" word lurking ing the background. With this said and your wifes blessing,write a contract. Detail all that expected,rules,chores/help,time frame, consequences for failed obligations, ext. Have all involved read it together,and sign. If it goes south the contract might lessen hard feelings down the road.

Sounds like she just needs a little help up! Most everyone here is on the same track... make sure she is a participating member of the family and working to get back on her feet. Best thing to teach a child and a grandchild is that you can depend on your family. Nothing in your post says she has done anything wrong other than to come upon hard times. You can help her in a variety of ways, depending which best suites your home life. Help her get set up in her own place, or let her get back up on her feet in yours.

not often but I sometimes wonder what the allure of this place is for me.


and then a thread like this turns up and reminds me why I'm here.


this place is made up of good men (and a few women) tough men, fair men, but compassionate men.


I salute my campfire compadres and applaud you for the well intentioned advice to the OP.

his family will be in my prayers.

It comes with being a father. I've done it for my daughter.
She always tried hard and just couldn't get a break.
Finally, while working as a waitress she went to bartendng school. While bartending got hired at a casino, and tended bar while training to be dealer.
She's been a dealer for six years now, owns one house free and clear (with just a bit of help from me) and just bought a second home.
There were never any conditions, I was just there to encourage and assist.

Set the rules and help them out.It's the right thing to do.

Let her move in, She's family.

big +1. She's your daughter.

Um...ok....stupid analogy..but good for you.

I don't have kids yet, but I know that my parents will always be there for me. If I had some tough times they wouldn't hesitate to let me back into their home. But, I also know I could never let that be permanant. You know your daughter better than any of us. What are your concerns about her moving in?

I agree with the others, let her in! Also, I will keep you all in my prayers...

one of the reason we have GSP's, They only ask to be fed twice daily and hunt birds regularily.....

Agreed.

My Mom came to live with us a couple of months ago. Though she is some work and we have had to do some modifications, I wouldn't have it any other way.

ONLY you know all the details and what is truly the right thing to do, not us!

Do what is right, and will lead to the best long term good!

Can only say what I've done. After single parenting two boys and supporting them through college they were on their own. They tried the come back home routine but but found me living on my sailboat. I think they spent maybe two nights on the cabin sole in sleeping bags before they moved on.
They are now both very successful men with families they easily support.
I say give her a hard berth for maybe two weeks and send her and baggage down the road, sounds mean but it's the best you can do.

It's your daughter and grandchild and they need help. Pretty much your answer right there.

Yes, go ahead help them. They may not always act like you want or show their appreciation like you could hope, that is life.

I might let my grown kids go a little while if they are healthy and on their own. However, my young grand kids are not going to be put at risk if I can help it.

I recommend you give the help away with no strings. It makes it harder to second guess it.

My wife and I have a blended family, my three and her two. We also had a big friend of the youngest boys live with us for four years and then my dad for a slightly longer period of time.

Four of the five have come home for periods of time up to a year after they got out on their own. They weren't destitute, just needful of a transition place. The other one lived in a house near us for seven years. We subsidized the rent. We were lucky to be able to help.

Oddly enough I wanted out of the house as soon as I could and never had to go back to live except for the first couple of weeks after I got out of the Marines.

Me and mine have been incredibly lucky in that respect.

Like folks have been saying, family (and friends you consider family)is really all that matters.

My advice is to give your present wife time to really think about this though, what she says and how she REALLY feels may be two different things. Even she may not know until they move in.

Birdwatcher

all good answers, and no bad ones. Our thoughts reflect our own experiences, and our individual outlooks on life.

Dancing Bear though touched on an interesting point, when he said that when he was young, he wanted out of the house as soon as he could.

That mirrors my own experience. I left a good and loving home, before I finished High School, wanting to be on my own.
I never went back, nor did I ever want to.
There were some lean times though, during college, and after, particularly when I was a divorced single Dad with two small children.
I am not saying that some help from the folks did not happen, but that help did not extend to me moving back home.

"Should I let my daughter move back home?"

Would you do the same for one of your present wife's kids?

well dang, muleshoe, I just don't know. I have never married a woman that already had kids.

That was a very thinly veiled slam though. If you have nuts, just come out and say what's on your mind.

Without hesitation.

When I posted this yesterday, my head was in a spin. I sought the wisdom of peers and I got it. I could not have asked this question of so many wise people anywhere else in the world.

You see, I was P.O.'d that my ex still has a problem with alcohol after being divorced 22 years. My ex took it out on our daughter and oldest grand daughter. I needed cool heads to think it through.

Some of you are too new to remember the old "Christ At The Campfire" area of the forum. The area is gone but, Christ is still here.

I have to agree that blood is thicker than water. Obviously we don't know the particulars, like does the daughter have anything going on that would require some "tough love" like alcoholism, drugs, etc. Barring that, if it's a case of her going through a tough time then there's no way I'd turn her away, she and the granddaughter are your family. Marriages between people who already have children can be trying. In my opinion the children should always come first and someone who marries a person who already has children has to accept this, the children pre-existed the marriage. If your daughter and granddaughter truly need help I would not let a current spouse cause me to deny them that help. Hopefully your current wife wouldn't be against that but I know some who would.

Plinker,

Don't take this wrong, pard, if the summary below seems cruel, but it's important to look at this from your daughter's perspective:

Pregnancy: Fail
Job: Fail
Marriage: Fail
Losing 'independent status' and moving in with Mom: Fail
Mother/Daughter relationship: Fail

If your daughter needs you, it's a slam dunk, your home is her home and it always will be. But her moving in with you is another failure of independence. As with her mom, if your relationship with her goes south it will be yet another failure. Whether or not any of these failures are your daughter's fault doesn't change the outcome.

The way I see it, my job as a Dad is to help prevent my kids' failures. Outside of our loved ones, there's little more important than our independence. If there were any possible way I'd set her up in a rental of some sort - whatever is cheap and safe - that provides her with some semblance of freedom. Put a timer on the arrangement. The string of failures has got to stop, and your daughter will be invested in it knowing she has to get things together or it's back home to daddy. She might be wounded now, but in her heart that's probably the last thing she wants.

I'd say stand by your daughter...

as a side note, be glad you have her..

my daughters from my first 'marriage' ( read fiasco) were taken away from me by my ex and the stupid liberal leftist court system in Minneapolis..I've had 4 daughters taken away from me in my life, for no other reason that to promote governmental control over individuals lives...so they can create job security... MY SIN?? Not "cooperating" with their demands... No alcohol or NO Drug or No abuse reasons... just refusing to kiss bureaucrats fannies...

I have no relationship at all with them now.. they grew up to be carbon copies of their mother.. a social disaster...

If she had a drub habit, or habit of quitting jobs or shaking with bad men, etc, that might be the case. As I understand it, this is a simple case of hard times.

Help them.

You are not here in this world to build the portfolio, amass riches, buy a new RV, summer cabin, boat, vehicle, go to Europe, sit in the front row at the ball game.... contrary to what many believe.

You are here to advance the next generation and that responsibility doesn't go away until you are dead... not at 18.... contrary to what many believe.

Kent

My daughter and grand daughter moved back in with us after she dumped her dumb @$$ hubby. I would not have it any other way. My daughter does not want to stay with us and when times get better we will expect her to move out. but for now, she is at home. kwg

Well, a daughter is a precious thing, even if she is an adult with issues; not to mention a granddaughter who is an innocent victim of all her parents misjudgements. Let her in with your wife's blessing--hopefully, but with limits, parameters, and responsibilities too. She must "carry her weight" but that little one needs stability.

That's my view with two adult daughters.

I know the circumstance is slightly different, but in the Good Ol' Days, you lived with your parents until you married.

Besides, if you can't count on family, what do you really have in this life?

Give her a hard berth for a few months, no more than six, if she hasn't found a job by then give her $500.00 and kick her out and change the locks.

You do grown children no favor by "enabling" them.

Truth is that I enjoyed having her there.Our relationship had a big turning point when she came home.She was a completely different person than she was in High School.I bonded with my Grandson ,and he is more like one of my boys now.He is 19 now and a great kid.My daughter is remarried has 5 kids and has a stable family man for a husband.I would say everything worked out.

^^^THIS!

????

Yepper, she's responsible for that miscarriage, she never shoulda let it happen, same thing with the failed marriage and drunk and abusive mom.....

Some people get slapped upside the head by life is all.

Of course, cream rises to the top, what counts is what she does now. And there's a clear point been made in this thread that there is a grandaughter involved.

Early developmental years are critical, by the time they hit the Middle School years the damage has been done, THAT kid needs a stable and secure environment, if its with grandma and the other grandma, so be it.

Krp nailed it, life ain't about being comfortable, its about meeting responsibilities.

The daughter coming home doesn't mean "enabling", that all depends on the behavior of all parties involved.

It does seem in our society the emphasis for a couple of generations (since WWII???) was "moving out", wherein in most places and over most of human history extended family househods are/were the norm.

I will say, knowing many dozens of 18 year-olds at graduation and often for years afterwards, getting out of the house and getting your own place ain't nearly as easy today as it was back in the 70's.

Birdwatcher

Birdwatcher,

I don't think that Jog meant that those things were true failures, but that the daughter may feel that way about them.

Like an accident that wasn't your fault, you keep replaying the event, and wondering what you could have done differently.

Plinker,

If I needed to go home, I would see it as a safe harbor, a place to get things together until I was able to get back out and hack it on my own. I'd be grateful for the respite but I wouldn't want to stay longer than necessary. Good luck.

Did you miss this part?:



I've had plenty of failures in my life. Except for guilt, the experience is the same whether they were my fault or not. My point is the cycle has to stop, and that setting up the daughter and granddaughter in their own place might be a better option than 'in the basement at Dad's house'.

My point of reference is one of my own daughters that flunked out of college. She was plenty smart enough, she just didn't do the work - party life and all that. She lived off campus with a bunch of smart, boring according to my daughter, fellow students. The college did offer the possibility of reinstatement provided she first ramp up her work ethic and GPA someplace else. Once the reality of the situation hit home my daughter was devastated. Having the daughter move home was tempting, but rather than compound the failures my wife and I decided to pay her living expenses if she worked to get on track. An unforeseen bonus of the arrangement was my daughter, from her new perspective, witnessed what it took for college students to succeed in spite of all the temptations. It took a year, but in the end the daughter was reinstated and graduated a couple years later.

Was it my wife's and my decision that pulled this off? I don't know for sure, but I wouldn't do anything different next time.

I am in agreement; one thing I have learned is you are never finished being a parent and that doesn't mean an enabler. Your kids are still your kids at 35 except their problems are now also adult sized.

My experience and view is your input grows exponentially more complex but still as important paralleling their age. Does that make sense? Well, I knew what I meant?

Sounds like she needs more help then just a place to sleep. Not saying that you shouldn't take care of your daughter, just really look into getting her help and don't enable her to keep making bad decisions.

I couldn't imagine turning my back on my kids, whatever the situation. Then again, I couldn't personally imagine moving back home, but you do what you have to do.

Good to hear.

They're blood kin,can't do anything but help..just sure they understand YOUR rules....

I'm not gonna read all the replies...here's my take

She's your child...may be grown, but she's still your child...
You'll feel like a first class $hit if you don't...

A friend of mine (with 4 kids) has a rule: every time a kid moves out, my friend moves to a smaller house so they can't come back.

John

Agree 100%.

Needed help once myself, StepDad was ok with it! Divorced and lost job, found new job within 6 weeks. They helped me move out and everything was great. My Mom was always in my corner and willing to help. I was able to help her when she died of cancer, no home for her while I was standing and breathing!

With that in mind my children get the same from me! God blessed me with three (a boy and two girls) and I signed on for the duration! Blood is blood.

We love our kids unconditionally. If the day comes that they need to come back for a while, so be it. Those who would not allow this, or buy a smaller house to prevent this from happening, well, if that's your take on things, just remember that decision in a few years when your health is failing, but you really don't want to move into a nursing home. Kids are yours for a lifetime-not just for the first 18 years. Nothing wrong with some ground rules and a plan, but to just turn them out on the street, I couldn't do that.

My brother breeds German Shorthairs and owns four personally. He calls the human members of his family "shorthair slots". He has one daughter left at home and also his wife - "slot 5 and slot 6".

I guess if my kid was having drug or alcohol problems,I would want him to move in,so I could keep an eye on him

Call and tell your daughter to come on over,and that you all can work things out as you go.You already know what to do.

Well, there's a hundred permutations and we all want the same end result.

No offense, but a miscarriage and a divorce ain't even in the same category as "I partied and flunked out", hard as that flunking experience might be for an 18 year-old just starting out. I had a former student carry to EIGHT MONTHS before she lost her first baby :((we lost track, I dunno if she has had another), and I have heard that next to losing a child, divorce can be about the most traumatic of life events.

Another thing to consider... pay their living expenses at their own place? ...or provide them reliable means of transportation etc.... our budgets always having limits on these things.

Like I said, there's a hundred permutations in these situations.

Birdwatcher

Doesn't work, BTDT several times, stole from us,lied, very hard to talk to, come home drunk if at all. Sometimes would be gone for a few days or weeks, without a word. Refused to get treatment for the problem. It was then that she was to make her own way.

Didn't read through the entire post but if you can possibly communicate with the ex find out why they were kicked out. Would agree that mother and daugher need shelter but need to have limits. No free ride.

Well dang Mr. licher, the question twernt directed to you....but thanks for answering just the same.

Wasn't intended as a slam of any kind, too bad if you took it thataway. Thought it was pretty straight forward.

Got the nuts...

My daughter & grand daughter moved in last Sunday. Things are going well and they are settling in. Thanks for all the thoughts & prayers.

This weekend, I'm going to get out the old telescope and and let my grand daughter check out Venus, Mars & Jupiter. I think she'll get a kick out of it.

Everything said so far is good advice.

I would add that you make a short list of terms/conditions that will
allow her to live in your house.

Said list can be posted on the refrigerator.

She would need to be respectful, participate in chores, etc.

Be mindful that in this economy she might be there for a long time,
even if she is actively seeking work.

If she does move in, have a plan for you and your wife to get away
on weekends or even part of every day.

Another option might be to find her a small apartment close by and help
with rent/groceries,etc.

The main objective would be to keep YOUR marriage intact. Support for the daughter would be a very close second.

This could be a hard time, but when it is over you will look back and know that you made the right choice.

Good luck.

Sounds like yer on the right track.......



George

You worry about the Grand daughter and thats all.. its not her fault.. GOOD JOB, I say!!