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Joined: Aug 2007
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Campfire Ranger
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Campfire Ranger
Joined: Aug 2007
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Retired cat herder.
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Joined: Jan 2005
Posts: 17,102 Likes: 5
Campfire Ranger
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Campfire Ranger
Joined: Jan 2005
Posts: 17,102 Likes: 5 |
You are not here in this world to build the portfolio, amass riches, buy a new RV, summer cabin, boat, vehicle, go to Europe, sit in the front row at the ball game.... contrary to what many believe.
You are here to advance the next generation and that responsibility doesn't go away until you are dead... not at 18.... contrary to what many believe.
Kent
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Joined: Feb 2004
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Campfire Ranger
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Campfire Ranger
Joined: Feb 2004
Posts: 19,293 Likes: 7 |
My daughter and grand daughter moved back in with us after she dumped her dumb @$$ hubby. I would not have it any other way. My daughter does not want to stay with us and when times get better we will expect her to move out. but for now, she is at home. kwg
For liberals and anarchists, power and control is opium, selling envy is the fastest and easiest way to get it. TRR. American conservative. Never trust a white liberal. Malcom X Current NRA member.
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Joined: Feb 2004
Posts: 17,161 Likes: 6
Campfire Ranger
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Campfire Ranger
Joined: Feb 2004
Posts: 17,161 Likes: 6 |
Well, a daughter is a precious thing, even if she is an adult with issues; not to mention a granddaughter who is an innocent victim of all her parents misjudgements. Let her in with your wife's blessing--hopefully, but with limits, parameters, and responsibilities too. She must "carry her weight" but that little one needs stability.
That's my view with two adult daughters.
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Joined: Mar 2004
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Campfire Outfitter
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Campfire Outfitter
Joined: Mar 2004
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I know the circumstance is slightly different, but in the Good Ol' Days, you lived with your parents until you married.
Besides, if you can't count on family, what do you really have in this life?
Islam is a terrorist organization.
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Joined: Nov 2009
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Campfire Outfitter
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Campfire Outfitter
Joined: Nov 2009
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Give her a hard berth for a few months, no more than six, if she hasn't found a job by then give her $500.00 and kick her out and change the locks.
You do grown children no favor by "enabling" them.
www.paracay.comIt's better to live rich than die rich. Live simply so that I may simply live large.
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Joined: Oct 2007
Posts: 14,330 Likes: 3
Campfire Outfitter
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Campfire Outfitter
Joined: Oct 2007
Posts: 14,330 Likes: 3 |
Make sure she understands what you expect from her.Type up an agreement and have her sign it.Stick to what you agree to.I went through the same thing with my Daughter and my Grandson.My daughter had a job and payed me room and board.She wanted to save money to buy her own house.She stayed with us for 6 years and obeyed house rules.When she said she had enough money to make a good down payment on a house,she moved out.I gave her a check for all the room and board she gave us.She would not have got it if she did not keep her word. 6 years? Not on my watch. .02 Truth is that I enjoyed having her there.Our relationship had a big turning point when she came home.She was a completely different person than she was in High School.I bonded with my Grandson ,and he is more like one of my boys now.He is 19 now and a great kid.My daughter is remarried has 5 kids and has a stable family man for a husband.I would say everything worked out.
Its all right to be white!! Stupidity left unattended will run rampant Don't argue with stupid people, They will drag you down to their level and then win by experience
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Joined: Dec 2005
Posts: 13,760
Campfire Outfitter
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Campfire Outfitter
Joined: Dec 2005
Posts: 13,760 |
You are here to advance the next generation and that responsibility doesn't go away until you are dead... not at 18.... contrary to what many believe.
Kent
^^^THIS!
War Damn Eagle!
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Joined: Aug 2002
Posts: 37,961 Likes: 8
Campfire 'Bwana
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Campfire 'Bwana
Joined: Aug 2002
Posts: 37,961 Likes: 8 |
Pregnancy: Fail Job: Fail Marriage: Fail Losing 'independent status' and moving in with Mom: Fail Mother/Daughter relationship: Fail ???? Yepper, she's responsible for that miscarriage, she never shoulda let it happen, same thing with the failed marriage and drunk and abusive mom..... Some people get slapped upside the head by life is all. Of course, cream rises to the top, what counts is what she does now. And there's a clear point been made in this thread that there is a grandaughter involved. Early developmental years are critical, by the time they hit the Middle School years the damage has been done, THAT kid needs a stable and secure environment, if its with grandma and the other grandma, so be it. Krp nailed it, life ain't about being comfortable, its about meeting responsibilities. The daughter coming home doesn't mean "enabling", that all depends on the behavior of all parties involved. It does seem in our society the emphasis for a couple of generations (since WWII???) was "moving out", wherein in most places and over most of human history extended family househods are/were the norm. I will say, knowing many dozens of 18 year-olds at graduation and often for years afterwards, getting out of the house and getting your own place ain't nearly as easy today as it was back in the 70's. Birdwatcher
"...if the gentlemen of Virginia shall send us a dozen of their sons, we would take great care in their education, instruct them in all we know, and make men of them." Canasatego 1744
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Campfire Member
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Campfire Member
Joined: Nov 2009
Posts: 441 |
Birdwatcher,
I don't think that Jog meant that those things were true failures, but that the daughter may feel that way about them.
Like an accident that wasn't your fault, you keep replaying the event, and wondering what you could have done differently.
Plinker,
If I needed to go home, I would see it as a safe harbor, a place to get things together until I was able to get back out and hack it on my own. I'd be grateful for the respite but I wouldn't want to stay longer than necessary. Good luck.
Support your local brewer.
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Joined: Aug 2003
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Campfire Outfitter
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Campfire Outfitter
Joined: Aug 2003
Posts: 13,552 |
Pregnancy: Fail Job: Fail Marriage: Fail Losing 'independent status' and moving in with Mom: Fail Mother/Daughter relationship: Fail ???? Yepper, she's responsible for that miscarriage, she never shoulda let it happen, same thing with the failed marriage and drunk and abusive mom..... Did you miss this part?: Whether or not any of these failures are your daughter's fault doesn't change the outcome. I've had plenty of failures in my life. Except for guilt, the experience is the same whether they were my fault or not. My point is the cycle has to stop, and that setting up the daughter and granddaughter in their own place might be a better option than 'in the basement at Dad's house'. My point of reference is one of my own daughters that flunked out of college. She was plenty smart enough, she just didn't do the work - party life and all that. She lived off campus with a bunch of smart, boring according to my daughter, fellow students. The college did offer the possibility of reinstatement provided she first ramp up her work ethic and GPA someplace else. Once the reality of the situation hit home my daughter was devastated. Having the daughter move home was tempting, but rather than compound the failures my wife and I decided to pay her living expenses if she worked to get on track. An unforeseen bonus of the arrangement was my daughter, from her new perspective, witnessed what it took for college students to succeed in spite of all the temptations. It took a year, but in the end the daughter was reinstated and graduated a couple years later. Was it my wife's and my decision that pulled this off? I don't know for sure, but I wouldn't do anything different next time.
Forgive me my nonsense, as I also forgive the nonsense of those that think they talk sense. Robert Frost
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Joined: Feb 2004
Posts: 17,161 Likes: 6
Campfire Ranger
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Campfire Ranger
Joined: Feb 2004
Posts: 17,161 Likes: 6 |
You are here to advance the next generation and that responsibility doesn't go away until you are dead... not at 18.... contrary to what many believe.
Kent
^^^THIS! I am in agreement; one thing I have learned is you are never finished being a parent and that doesn't mean an enabler. Your kids are still your kids at 35 except their problems are now also adult sized. My experience and view is your input grows exponentially more complex but still as important paralleling their age. Does that make sense? Well, I knew what I meant?
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Joined: Jan 2001
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Campfire Ranger
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Campfire Ranger
Joined: Jan 2001
Posts: 21,317 |
Sounds like she needs more help then just a place to sleep. Not saying that you shouldn't take care of your daughter, just really look into getting her help and don't enable her to keep making bad decisions.
I couldn't imagine turning my back on my kids, whatever the situation. Then again, I couldn't personally imagine moving back home, but you do what you have to do.
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Joined: Aug 2009
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Campfire Outfitter
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Campfire Outfitter
Joined: Aug 2009
Posts: 14,742 |
Make sure she understands what you expect from her.Type up an agreement and have her sign it.Stick to what you agree to.I went through the same thing with my Daughter and my Grandson.My daughter had a job and payed me room and board.She wanted to save money to buy her own house.She stayed with us for 6 years and obeyed house rules.When she said she had enough money to make a good down payment on a house,she moved out.I gave her a check for all the room and board she gave us.She would not have got it if she did not keep her word. 6 years? Not on my watch. .02 Truth is that I enjoyed having her there.Our relationship had a big turning point when she came home.She was a completely different person than she was in High School.I bonded with my Grandson ,and he is more like one of my boys now.He is 19 now and a great kid.My daughter is remarried has 5 kids and has a stable family man for a husband.I would say everything worked out. Good to hear.
Last edited by okok; 07/23/10.
Jed York does not own the 49ers; Russell Wilson does.
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Joined: Jan 2006
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Campfire Tracker
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Campfire Tracker
Joined: Jan 2006
Posts: 5,720 |
They're blood kin,can't do anything but help..just sure they understand YOUR rules....
Come on America, Athletes and actors are not heroes, only soldiers, airmen,marines and sailors get that respect�and let's add firemen and LEO's
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Joined: Jun 2007
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Campfire Outfitter
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Campfire Outfitter
Joined: Jun 2007
Posts: 14,370 |
I'm not gonna read all the replies...here's my take
She's your child...may be grown, but she's still your child... You'll feel like a first class $hit if you don't...
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Joined: Jun 2001
Posts: 8,654 Likes: 1
Campfire Outfitter
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Campfire Outfitter
Joined: Jun 2001
Posts: 8,654 Likes: 1 |
A friend of mine (with 4 kids) has a rule: every time a kid moves out, my friend moves to a smaller house so they can't come back. John
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Joined: May 2006
Posts: 166
Campfire Member
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Campfire Member
Joined: May 2006
Posts: 166 |
You are here to advance the next generation and that responsibility doesn't go away until you are dead... not at 18.... contrary to what many believe.
Kent
^^^THIS! I am in agreement; one thing I have learned is you are never finished being a parent and that doesn't mean an enabler. Your kids are still your kids at 35 except their problems are now also adult sized. My experience and view is your input grows exponentially more complex but still as important paralleling their age. Does that make sense? Well, I knew what I meant? Agree 100%. Needed help once myself, StepDad was ok with it! Divorced and lost job, found new job within 6 weeks. They helped me move out and everything was great. My Mom was always in my corner and willing to help. I was able to help her when she died of cancer, no home for her while I was standing and breathing! With that in mind my children get the same from me! God blessed me with three (a boy and two girls) and I signed on for the duration! Blood is blood.
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Joined: Feb 2006
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Campfire Ranger
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Campfire Ranger
Joined: Feb 2006
Posts: 18,033 |
We love our kids unconditionally. If the day comes that they need to come back for a while, so be it. Those who would not allow this, or buy a smaller house to prevent this from happening, well, if that's your take on things, just remember that decision in a few years when your health is failing, but you really don't want to move into a nursing home. Kids are yours for a lifetime-not just for the first 18 years. Nothing wrong with some ground rules and a plan, but to just turn them out on the street, I couldn't do that.
molɔ̀ːn labé skýla
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Joined: Aug 2003
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Campfire Outfitter
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Campfire Outfitter
Joined: Aug 2003
Posts: 13,552 |
A friend of mine (with 4 kids) has a rule: every time a kid moves out, my friend moves to a smaller house so they can't come back. John My brother breeds German Shorthairs and owns four personally. He calls the human members of his family "shorthair slots". He has one daughter left at home and also his wife - "slot 5 and slot 6".
Forgive me my nonsense, as I also forgive the nonsense of those that think they talk sense. Robert Frost
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