The shaman is giving himself a colonoscopy for his birthday.

Liftoff is scheduled for 1600 LIMA today. That's when I start drinking the go-juice that I just mixed and put in the fridge. That puts MECO sometime before 2300 (God willing). Lunar Orbit Insertion is at 0745 tomorrow. Where's Rocky when you need him?

The pad is ready. I can get Netflix in the bathroom. I treated myself to an online subscription to Rifle, Handloading, and Successful Hunter. There's two full jars of beef bullion next to the microwave, and Lemon-Lime Gatorade in the fridge. I also have Ken Water's Pet Loads handy.

KYHillChick is taking off work as well to act as ground crew.

Good attitude. Hope you have an easy flight.

For a few hours after you'll be "squeaky clean".

You won't remember a thing... except the foul taste of the prep

Hope all is well.

Best wishes, Chris

well, you are wrong in saying 'where no man has gone before'. Trust me on that.

Other than that nasty drink, and the ignominy of hours on the porcelain potty, it's not that bad. Really. Like I said.......trust me.

I hate ignominy.


My first one is set for early September, can't wait.

Take Depends along for after. You'll be blowing wet dispelling the gas they inflate you with. Sweet dreams!

Trust me: I may have a 4-year degree from a music school. They may have made me wear a pink tassel on my mortarboard, but NO man has ever gone there. No woman has ever gone there. No vertebrate has ever gone there. I haven't even gone there.

I thought I'd give you a look inside the Command Module.



The one thing you can't see is the 21 inch Hi-Def screen that's over the laptop.

I'm thinking that the half roll of toilet paper that I see might not be enough...

Hope you have lots in reserve (or, better yet, babywipes!)

John

Although it can be an unpleasant experience, there are very good reasons to have them!

Just had my second scope about a month ago....got lucky and the surgeon was able to cut out all the bad stuff with the scope....have to have a follow up next year to make sure nothing grew back......

My fishing partner on the other hand wasn't so lucky.....waited too long to have his first and he had such a large tumor that they couldn't get the scope up all the way into the colon. The tumor was even larger than they had estimated and found during surgery, that it had attached itself to his lower spine area.

They believe they got most all of the tumor and have him on chemo right now.......

Good luck with your procedure!

Thanks for asking.

Mom and Dad were Depression-Era kids, so I was raised in a house with a massive amounts of storage. Staples were always bought in bulk. You just never knew. You can't see it, but there's 24 rolls of Charmin just outside the door that I found down the basement last weekend. Thanks Dad.

There's also a shower just to the right of the shot with a shower massage on a hose.

That's a bummer about your buddy. I'm the first one in the family to take this adventure, so I'm optimistic. Dad died at 85 having zero problems. On the other hand my folks' closest friends were not so lucky. The husband didn't take the thing seriously and lied to his wife about going to the doctor. He died in agony 3 years later.

Another of Shaman's, 'Pooh', stories in the making?

Hope this is just a routine checkup and nothing suspicious going on.

I have had the routine checkups in the past and have another scheduled in January,

So far, so good. Each one shows I am a perfect arse hole.

Good luck.

Wayne

Preparation H.

The cream style..... not the old "ointment" type.

And where's the .45 in the ziploc?

I'm right here, Shaman. But do you really want an event-by-event commentary of the countdown process? Even in my best FM voice, I doubt it would be worth hearing.

Wishing nothing but the best outcome for you, my friend. As others have said, don't sweat it. Being hungry as hell is the worst part, actually. Have something light and sweet like a breakfast bar in the car to nibble on while your wife drives you home. Then something light like scrambled eggs and toast. You'd really regret a drive-through double bacon cheeseburger, believe me.

What a bunch of chicken livers. It ain't no big deal, especially for those of us who swill PEG 3350 every night before bed so we ain't crapping Presto Logs in the morning. Good thing that giant jug of loveliness tastes salty from the included electrolytes, because otherwise the Polyethylene Glycol would suck all the electrolytes out of your body and leave you cramping and maybe unconscious.

Just make sure your wife doesn't buy lime Jello for the prep session, if you find any, flush it down the toilet or risk being reminded of every cafeteria you ever suffered.

In my case, the doc stuck the scope down my throat to check for ulcerations from decades of Naprosyn, before sticking one up my wazoo. Took a little extra hit of fentanyl so I could swallow the bloody thing, but he finally got it down. Then he slid a scope up the old bowel. Reminded me of watching a Roto-Rooter pipe inspection camera going up the lazy river.

He found a couple of things and snipped them out, I didn't feel a thing. One was a "pre-cancerous polyp" the other just a lump of tissue that was nothing. It was easy-peasy, over before I knew it. Far better than the old barium x-ray where they would shove a plug up your butt, then fill you up with a heavy metal oxide solution, then inflate your bowel with air so they could image the intestinal wall, all the while they tipped and rotated you on a swiveling table. "Just a few more puffs of air, Mr. Wrangler." Now I know how a balloon feels. You were directed to the nearest toilet afterward, to expel a Mount Saint Helen's sized pyroclastic flow, a pneumatic eruption of air mixed with barium - kaboom, rumble, rumble, ftttttt, splash! Worse part was waiting in the out-patient ward before and after. So, quit yer whining about a little gut check. Besides, your prostrate is calling. Next!

I thought for sure this was going to be a joke about a guy having sex with Rosie O donnell

I can't get this to open otherwise. Enjoy!!!


[video:google]https://vimeo.com/24340828[/video]

Drat, I was going to have her stop for some Popeye's. I guess I'll have to wait a hour or two.

Rocky, I'll have your voice in my ears as I lie straining in my 5-point restraint tonight.

"Press to MECO. Press to MECO. Press to MECO . . . "

Oh, I've been to other rodeos. It's just that this one had over a month of waiting and build-up.

This is kind of like the day before the November Rifle Opener in reverse.

Fixed it. I had mine 4yrs ago. Easy enough. Damned inconvenient, though. And correct about the baby wipes, Charmin or not.

You are going to give yourself a colonoscopy? You must be flexible.

Dang! A ziploc? You're expecting more backsplash than I was. If you look closely at the pic, there's a Ruger P-90 with an extended mag next to the Rem 1100.

I've been thinking that you have many friends here that will be happy to abuse you to take your mind off the upcoming, errr... "Grand Opening Event".

I'm happy to contribute to distracting you.

So, after the colonoscopy, perhaps you should replace "Pet Loads" with this book:



John

Here's a better pic.

John, thanks for the suggestion. I have a copy, and it's going on the pile right now.


Update: Angus slept in this morning, but finally got up, and gave me my birthday present.
[img]https://lh3.googleusercontent.com/ND6JizBJ35997X67R0sd44vO_Kh4CBxfPs1KXmiobBg=w779-h584-no[/img]

It's a stag horn back scratcher.

I was on my 8th cup of beef bullion. It tastes great, but it is only 5 calories. It probably takes more to fix it than I get back in consuming it. Dang! Here it is afternoon, and I haven't started my writing project. Where's that . . .? . . . ah! There it is.

The Popeil Pocket Third Person has been a handy tool for me all these years. I'm a writer that tends to do his best work, writing in third person. The Pocket Third Person takes everything I'm going to write in 1st person and transposes it in my head so I experience the world in third person. There's a bunch of settings and it all gets really subtle, but that's the short of it. I got my first one while I was in college, and I'm now on my third. I hear you can get them on E-Bay. Here let me demonstrate how it works. I'll just switch it on. . . and. . .

The shaman looked up from his computer. He found himself located in his bathroom. It was oddly decorated, not unlike a small den or home office. The Pocket Third Person sat before him on the tray table,it's red light blinked, showing it was working.

Eventually, working through a slight bit of confusion, the shaman realized why it was turned on and turned the device off.

Ah! There! See, I am back to normal now. Well, there is a bit of wooziness from switching back and forth so quickly. However, I'll just stay seated until it wears off.

Did I mention that KYHillChick brought me a really cool present? She went down to the Somali restaurant and found me a box of my favorite Gunpowder tea, and brought me that and a little blue teapot, so I'll have tea this afternoon along with my bullion.

Great Minds that think alike! I had both ends run on Monday this week. Unfortunately since I am working away from home, my facilities are up the 3 steps in my 5th wheel camper. Sitting on that small pot got old in a hurry. Keeping myself supplied with beef broth and, yes, lime jello from the kitchen was a problem a couple of times that resulted in some additional laundry to do.

Hope your results turn out as good as mine! Good Luck!

Didja know that Utah is the lime Jello capital of the universe? Yup. More of it sold and apparently eaten here than anywhere else either side of Pluto. The usual serving suggestion is called "salad" hereabouts; lime jello with fine carrot shavings in it.

Yeah, I know. Weird.

Anyway, the Gunpower blend ought to suit you to a "T".

We'll know in a bit. T-Minus 1 hour 54 minutes and counting.

I stuck my finger in the go-juice just now to figure out how bad it was. Pretty bad. Vaguely citrusy in an industrial sort of way.

I was thinking of my Dad. He fulfilled the role of "Sparky" in the real-live Korea. He was the corporal back at HQ that the "Radars" used to call up when they needed stuff. What got me to thinking about him was his story of how he used to mix the medicinal alcohol with frozen OJ concentrate and make Screwdrivers. Whenever there were nurses coming into Kimpo, he'd drive over with an ambulance with a couple of buddies and a gallon of Screwdriver to meet the plane. He said they would deliver every nurse to the M.A.S.H. units plastered and pregnant.

I was a bit aghast when he told me this. It was a couple of years before he died. He said the nurses usually were scared witless of the prospect of being so close to the fighting, and getting knocked up was their only way out. He and the guys at Division HQ were more than happy to take care of the problem.

NO! Dad. I wasn't worried about that! I was thinking how many half-brothers and sisters I might have running around.

Dad thought for a minute and changed the subject.

Now, I'm wondering what his recipe was. 8:1? 5:1? All of a sudden I'm sitting in Dad's bathroom missing him.

Gosh if you're like most of the posters here you really shouldn't need to get a doctor involved at all. Just bend over, poke your head up your azz and have a look around.

I would have just put one of these in the bushes and said to heck with the indoor facility:

THIS

T-Minus 1 hour 23 minutes.

I hired a little German guy from up the street, and gave him a white coat and a hat we stole from Steak & Shake. He's going to help me buckle in and then give me a big thumbs up before locking me in the bathroom. I'll use the back scratcher to start the fan. He'll then make sure that end of the house is cleared out.

There are apparently several different "prep" kits. The ones I've used contained some standard commercial laxative tablets, a bottle of CitriLax, and two bottled enemas. Never had the two-liter of guck one. No biggie either way; you just poop until you think there CAN'T be any more goo in there - and then you spew and spray until you think there can't be any more YOU in there.

Addendum. I'm simply amazed that nobody has linked to the classic Dave Barry piece. So HERE IT IS

Did not have that problem myself. When I woke up the nurse said if I felt like farting it was normal. Thunder came to the ward at that very moment.

She told me later I might have set a record for the clinic.

It made me feel special.

The countdown stands at T-Minus 47 minutes and counting.

The the first of several warning sirens have sounded.

[video:youtube]SaYUqXAmXRQ[/video]

Good luck Shaman. I'm having mine next month. Can't wait. The first one since I passed 50 a few years back.

T-Minus 12 minutes:

The Go Juice has come out of the refrigerator. The old German guy just gave me the thumbs up, and then ran for his life.

The tray table is up and the seat has been returned to the upright position.

[video:youtube]veDcp3wB3JA[/video]

[video:youtube]OnoNITE-CLc[/video]

"Let her buck!!"

The clock is operating. We're underway.
The go-juice is basically anti-freeze mixed with Gatorade. It tastes obnoxious, but I got 20 oz down in under 5 minutes.


[video:youtube]cDGlN6mluGA[/video]

Fixing to be there he blows.
Not bad at all after a while.
You'll live

The internal tanks are at full capacity, and are coming to flight pressure. Counting down to ignition...

Been through 3 in the past decade (family history stuff). Suggest having baby wipes handy for the bitter end of the prep period as your nether-region will be so GD tender you won't want anything within 50' of it. The prep is the worst part, IMHO...the procedure itself is no sweat. Good luck.
Northerner

Rumblings


I just drank the second stadium cup.

[video:youtube]m8bAVdbBCao[/video]

Why do I suddenly get the feeling I've got a belt of explosives strapped to my chest? I feel strange-- excited and peaceful at the same time. It is as if something inside of me wants to declare Jihad.

I am in the hands of a higher power.

you have a strange way of celebrating your birth. i'd leave it to the pros if i was you.

[video:youtube]t6TRwfxDICM[/video]

Two hours and the container's empty and nothing's happened.

[video:youtube]QwgnDn8ez9g[/video]

Ooops. I spoke too soon.

[video:youtube]7tVLX5RhwVs[/video]

If you wake up after the procedure and your Dr is smoking a cigarette, that's a bad sign.

[video:youtube]P_o65B1JTiw[/video]

Good stuff shaman.

The lantern in the loo is a nice touch.

Who needs to chit in the dark if the power goes out?

[video:youtube]1aW5wIgGcNo[/video]

Hope that keyboard gets a good cleaning when you are done surfing and chitting!

[video:youtube]dMl0g7E8Ihc[/video]

I'm coming up on my fourth one September 29th. The prep sucks but the procedure is easy because they put me out. I won't remember anything. Afterwards you get to loudly pass gas with impunity.

[video:youtube]RrY81GZgrtg[/video]

I had my first exam at 51 years old. I woke up and the Doc said "we have a problem". HUH?! Apparently I had 3 small polyps that he was able to get with the scope, but a 4th was too large to do so. Surgery removed 8 inches of my colon (4" on each side of the large polyp)The polyp tested benign and was advised to have another exam in one year. That one came back clean. I'm 58 now, and have had 4 total per the Doc's wishes. I'm now on a 5 year exam plan. It's good to get it done!!

Yep, I had a buddy who had pretty much the same thing. Now did they re-route you temporarily to a bag or not?



"Zero-G and I feel fine"

Good morning all. The action pretty much played out after 8PM. I guess I'd finally reached orbit. I have slept well.

It was Nick Cave who said "If you look around, complacency is the great disease of your autumn years, and I work hard to prevent that. "

If there is any great knowledge I can impart from this adventure so far it is this: with PEG 3350 there is no such thing as "just a fart," not even 12 hours after ingestion.

[video:youtube]3SnQFznDmq0[/video]


Overall I have to say that this has gone about as good as possible. I have no complaints outside of my posterior and its constant protest of having to sit so long.

My one sad observation is that after this all began last night, there came a point where Pooh, Nosmo, and the rest stayed away. It is pretty bad when even your hallucinations forsake you. I did get visits from my dogs. Lily seemed quite concerned. KYHillChick was a constant source of help and devotion through even the worst. To her goes my highest recommendation. Hillbilly women really do make the best wives, girlfriends and consorts.


LOI (Lunor Orbit Insertion) is at 7:45 Eastern. I must prepare for my visit to the Dark Side of the Moon.

No sir, there was no bag reroute. It was a rather uneventful procedure. Stayed 4 days in the hospital with diet restrictions, then I was good to go. (No pun intended)

Standing by for confirmation of re-entry and splashdown...

Earth calling the shaman
Earth calling the shaman
Earth calling the shaman
Earth calling the shaman
Earth calling the shaman
Earth calling the shaman


This is the shaman. Three chutes deployed.


Memorable lines from EVA:

Anesthetist (cute): Is there anything I need to know?

the shaman: Like what?

A: Do you have any reaction to anesthesia?

s: I get amorous.

Doc: So are you here for a reason?

s: Like what?

Doc: Are you just here for a check up or did your doctor suspect something specifi.

s: I just came in to use the Men's Room, and things got really out of hand.




Doc (older Brit): Good news. We found quite a bit, but I want to tell you that it was all benign.

s: Like how much? Polyps? Anemone? I hear the urchins are painful.

Doc: You had 13 polyps. That's rather a lot.

s: Do I get a balloon?

Doc (to nurse): Get him out of here!


Splashdown occurred at 1030 Eastern at a Frisch's Big Boy near home. I had only a half hour to eat the breakfast bar, which I did with great gusto. At the 10 minute warning, I went back and filled 3 plates.

The anesthetic is beginning to wear off. All in all I feel fine, but there's places on the inside of me that are crying like schoolgirl. They gave me a color printout. Why, I don't know. I guess if you're really into scrapbooking . . .

I'm going to go to my Airstream trailer and await my call from the President.

Sorry guys. I did not bring you anything from the trip. I figured you were not into these kinds of Moon rocks.

One thing I can tell you all is this: it was not as bad as I conceived. Dysentery and waiting in line at the DMV for a license renewal is much worse. From the sound of it, the doc is going to put me on the frequent flyer plan. Hopefully, I'll keep doing it until I get it right.

Many thanks again to KYHillChick for putting up with me. A lesser woman might have picked up and gone shopping for shoes.

Nothing like a clean exhaust.

When you retire from space travel, you may officially call your spread "Polyp Farm".

Sorry about the frequent flyer plan. I came up clean on mine and don't need another one until I'm 75 - at which point the outcome will be largely moot anyway.

At least now you know. Which is the whole point of these things.

Let me be the first to say...

I'm glad things worked out in the end.

John

Good things went well, going to be 60 this year, never had a doc suggest one yet.
You made it sound interesting.

Yea, it sounded like everything came out alright.

Oh, Parts. You sick bastid!

I'm the first in my family to ever have one. Dad made it past 85. A lot of it is that these things are a LOT easier. One of my best friends had one in the mid-90's and he said it was the most painful thing he'd experienced. This was a guy who'd gone through The Bulge.

Me? I will admit to a wee bit of discomfort here and there. I can tell something happened yesterday, but it's at level of eating popcorn and certainly less than a visit to the local curry parlor. The Doc said something about only using pediatric instruments.

The payoff is that polyps are places where the cells are dividing irregularly-- kind of like skin tags only on the inside. I could go the rest of my life without one turning malignant, but I could also have one go bad tomorrow. My Dad was out in the sun all his life. One day he got a black patch on his nose. A quick trip to the Doc got it cut off. He lived another 5 years and died of something completely different. It's just harder to see on the inside.

My first one was with a sigmoidoscope, and it was indeed extremely painful. Then, because my doc couldn't ram it in far enough, he instructed me to have one of those barium x-ray tests. No fun, either. Five years later, I had a colonoscopy. That was by FAR the least unpleasant.

As I said above, I had not even a polyp, so I am allowed to skip 10 years. When that rolls around, I won't mind it very much at all.

I've had three without any sedation because I am one of the sedaters and it was a busy day; I worked before and afterwards.

It's doable. But not for everybody.

Glad yours went well.

Resurrecting this thread out of gratitude for the humor and campfire reckoning that prepared me for my first rodeo this morning.

Here are my takeaways from the process:

1. Gummi Bears are a life hack for "liquid diets"

2. I'm not sure what to think when a "Dr. Benjamin Roy" stares blankly in response to "Thank God, you don't pronounce it like the goalie" ...

3. Nurses in the OR squabbling about what music to play is wrong. I remember asking them about considering "my needs" and maybe playing a little Barry White instead to, you know, make it a little less invasive.

4. When they leave your chart on the post-op gurney, save the drama and read the damn thing yourself. Campfire way.

5. If your significant other is brought to your recovery room, feel free to give her a lap dance while changing out of the blue gown. If they are shy, cover your nipples with the metal tipped pasties left on you from the ER. If/when the nurse enters the room, blame the anesthesiologist. Make sure to have a creative explanation for any number of pasties greater than two sticking to your chest.

6. Can't beat chicken fried steak and eggs with a side of country gravy with fries to get right after a day and a half sans real food.

That's my contribution.

GE

I have to admit: I stared blankly at your #2... Not a clue.

And I have to ask: Do Gummy Bears allow you to spout rainbows during the purge?

I suppose Gummi Bears would spout rainbows if the kids didn't pick the red and purple ones out of the bag as per prep instructions.

GE

Har, har !!!

Well, you can finally tell people you're not FOS, and not be lyin.