Dear Boss,

By directive, I have now forsworn any degree of "whiteness". Now that I am (by default) a person of color, I demand and fully expect to:

Be immune from established work hours.

Be immune from any and all job descriptions.

Be granted sick leave or personal leave on my whim, regardless of work schedule.

Be immune from discipline or termination on any grounds whatever.

Be guaranteed promotion to any position I apply for, regardless of qualifications I may or may not hold.

You may reply in the affirmative at any time. I'll be at home "working" as hard as any other person of color. And awaiting my next paycheck.

Thank you more than you know.

Cleverly disguised as a responsible adult.