v I'm on two diets. I wasn't getting enough food on one.
v A cold seat in a public restroom is unpleasant. A warm seat in a public restroom is worse.
v Apparently RSVP'ing to a wedding invitation "Maybe next time" isn't the correct response.
v Don't irritate old people. The older we get the less "Life in prison" is a deterrent.
v Have you ever listened to someone for a minute and thought "Their cornbread ain't done in the middle."
v Aliens probably fly by earth and lock their doors.
v "You will hit every cone on the highway before I let you merge in front of me because you saw that sign 2 miles ago like I did.
v I asked my wife if I was the only one she had been with. She said yes, all the others were nines and tens...
v I really don't mind getting older, but my body is taking it badly.
v It turns out that being an adult is mostly just googling how to do stuff.
v I miss the 90's when bread was still good for you and no one knew what kale was.
v Do you ever get up in the morning, look in the mirror and think "That can't be accurate."
v I want to be 14 again and ruin my life differently. I have new ideas.
v As I watch this generation try to rewrite our history, one thing I'm sure of... it will be misspelled and have no punctuation.
v I thought getting old would take longer.
v I told my wife I wanted to be cremated. She made me an appointment for Tuesday.
v Confuse your doctor by putting on rubber gloves at the same time he does.
v My wife asked me to take her to one of those restaurants where they make food right in front of you. I took her to Subway. That's when the fight started.
v Me: Sobbing my heart out, "I can't see you anymore.....I'm not going to let you hurt me again." Trainer: "It was one sit-up. You did one sit-up."
v I went line dancing last night. OK, it was a roadside sobriety test...
v Picked up a hitchhiker. He asked if I wasn't afraid he might be a serial killer? I told him the odds of two serial killers being in the same car were extremely unlikely.
that is an excellent and funny set of viewpoints
