Here's some real news.
BREAKING:
John Kerry Poses As Masseuse To Get Few Minutes With Putin
http://www.theonion.com/articles/john-kerry-poses-as-masseuse-to-get-few-minutes-wi,35546/
BREAKING:
Aides Advise Obama To Avoid Any Mention Of America During State Of The Union Speech
http://www.theonion.com/articles/aides-advise-obama-to-avoid-any-mention-of-america,35085/