Home Forums Hunting & Shooting Hunter's Campfire Dealing with the Issues Associated with Elderly Parents

If you are over 50, you probably know the drill. Too many of the elderly live in denial. They think that they can take care of themselves and always will. They won't engage with their children about planning for incapacity. When it gets to the point that they can no longer function independently, it is time for their children to pick up the pieces. It isn't easy.

My question is, what happens to the elderly who don't have family to do this?

They wind up being abused in low rent nursing homes.

I will probably be able to tell you in a few years... It is scary for me when I think of the years ahead..

Well, as someone who has experienced looking after parents (my mother and my father in law) in addition to several of my mom's very elderly friends, I know that it is a situation that requires a huge amount of trust (and sometimes, patience). So as we look into the future and having no kids, we continually think about and evaluate nieces, nephews. We will also begin to think about establishing a trust and therefore carefully evaluating a private trustee that we can trust.

I can't answer your question, but the topic hits close to home for my wife and I. We just finished moving my MIL from her home into an assisted living facility after an ongoing struggle that started just before Christmas. It started with a fall that fractured her sternum and six weeks later another fall that broke a hip. She's been back and forth from the ER to nursing home rehab ever since and can no longer take care of herself.

I just hope my wife doesn't have a heart attack or stroke before this is over - it's been an emotional roller coaster with her biggest struggle being dealing with her siblings through all of this.

Lots of truth here.

To avoid this possibility I became my mother's caretaker for the last three years of her life. To keep it short I'll just say it broke me in more than one way.

Did not have to deal with this personally as both folks were self sustaining to a rather quick end. Several friends, however, are going through the struggles and it's an extended process. Seems like most programs are designed to consume ones resources in very short order. Just sign everything over.

Also quite difficult too if the patient is not a willing participant.

Tough question, Rick but prior planning by the individual or the family makes all the difference in the world. Those in nursing homes who are paid for by medicaid have the same care as those who private pay out of pocket. No difference.

Refusal to accept reality has a big price monetarily and emotionally.

This. I have watched my FIL and an uncle try to do same for their wives that had dementia and other illnesses. It literally broke them down physically, mentally, and spiritually.

Believe me its not just with elderly parents one should be concerned about in later years... but also unexpected and long term illness with a spouse! Probably one of the biggest decisions you'll ever have to make if a spouse becomes ill is do you continue to work and let someone else take care of them, put them in a home... or go into retirement and take care of them your selves.

Phil

Add financially to the -ally tally.

To avoid this possibility I became my mother's caretaker for the last three years of her life. To keep it short I'll just say it broke me in more than one way. [/quote]

This. I have watched my FIL and an uncle try to do same for their wives that had dementia and other illnesses. It literally broke them down physically, mentally, and spiritually. [/quote]

Add financially to the -ally tally. [/quote]

Trusts set up 5 yrs prior can avoid this as well as "sham" divorces.

My wife's brother had serious intestinal issues a couple years back. Went for surgery, then back and forth between the hospital and an assisted care facility for about 8 days before passing.

Oddly the bill from the care facility came to the exact assessed value of his home.

We just completed a new living trust where we each specified in rather excruciating detail how exactly such matters are to be handled so the boys will not be burdened with what/how to do. It seemed to us to be the proper thing to do.

"I just hope my wife doesn't have a heart attack or stroke before this is over - it's been an emotional roller coaster with her biggest struggle being dealing with her siblings through all of this."

Man, don't even joke about that!!!! My wife did suffer two strokes a week apart a month and a half before my terminally ill mom moved In With us last year.

It was and to some extent still is very much a nightmare.

But I do know exactly how you feel!!!!

Could be important financially too if insurance meant to cover nursing home expenses is involved, to be especially aware of exactly what is in all the small print mumbo-jumbo contract language regarding anything that even suggest exceptions (loop-holes) that could result in limited or outright denial of coverage.

I did a lot of things for my mother that were not enjoyable in the least, It was an honor to be able to take care of her and do for her those things that she could no longer do.

I miss my mom, I also wish I could still do those thing that were not enjoyable.

I used to service machines at nursing homes and would never let my parents stay in one, same goes for my in-laws, they will never see the inside of a nursing home except to visit their friends.

You can mitigate the financial burden and estate distribution worries, and those are great things to do. But, in my experience it is almost impossible to mitigate the physical and emotional burden of a long term debilitating illness on the family members who are located in the same geographic area.

I'm the oldest of 6 with 5 of us siblings still alive. When mom became so weak that showering was too hard and falling in the tub became more common my sister went over every other day to bathe mom and do her hair. My brothers and I did everything else for mom, at least what dad couldn't do.

I lost my mom 2 months ago and don't regret the time spent with her in her struggles. I was honored to do it, as were my siblings and I wish mom was still here, I'd spend everyone of my days on earth taking care of her.

We've heard about a mothers love for her children but never underestimate a sons love for his mother. Same goes for my wife and children. I maybe an [bleep] at times and have little patience for stupidity but my loyalty to those I love is absolutely unwavering.