Home Forums Hunting & Shooting Hunter's Campfire That Check Valve

Yesterday during work I was driving through Houma LA. It was a nice day out. Sunny and mild. I was feeling pretty good. I pulled up to a red light and stopped. While I was waiting. I felt a mild rumble in my bowel. Not the deep kind of disturbance delivered courtesy of a heavily marbled ribeye. Not the angry agitation brought about by a few too many pork tacos at the No Habla Taqueria Trailer. Just a mild rumble that typically results in a short one syllable barely audible fart. It was just going to be a little one, so I didn't even lift a cheek to get the full effect. So with an easy push I let it go.

That's when that check valve that keeps farts dry failed, and I sharted myself like I haven't since I got food poisoning from 10 day old leftover crown roast.

There was no questioning whether it was wet. I knew it in an instant. I lifted up off the seat to keep it from soaking through. The light stayed red for eternity. At one point no cars from any of the four directions were moving for over 30 seconds. While I was nervously waiting I weighed my options. Home Depot on the right or Wal-Mart on the left. At Wal-Mart I probably wouldn't be distinguishable from the rest of their customers. Their bathrooms are normally crowded and nasty though. At Home Depot, the restrooms are clean and it's easy to find an open stall. Home Depot it was.

I did the I-just-schit-myself-shuffle through the front door. I had no idea where the restroom was and didn't feel like walking all over the store looking for it. I asked the female employee at the front door where it was. "It's at the far back corner honey." Of course it is I thought to myself as I did my best not to telegraph my dilemma with my butt tucked trudge past her. At this point I was feeling good that nothing was running down my legs, but still wasn't sure if I was leaking through my jeans. I made it to the bathroom. Nobody was in it and they had a clean spacious handicapped stall.

I closed the door and paused for a minute to strategize the hazmat clean-up. The boots came off first. Then the jeans. I did a quick damage assessment on them. It was a complete bleed through with a resultant 3x6 inch wet spot. Why did I have to wear lighter colored jeans? Then the underwear came off and were tossed aside. I used about a half a roll of toilet paper wiping my ass as clean as possible. That wasn't nearly clean enough, as the stench of assphlegm was still stinging my nostrils. I flushed the toilet several times to give the cleanest possible water in the bowl, then I dampened more TP to finish the clean-up. I had an important appointment, so I had to clean the jeans too. I used wet TP to tackle that chore too.

The jeans went back on commando. Salvaging the soiled Calvin Klein boxer briefs was out of the question. I hit the electric hand dryer and backed my ass up to it for a few cycles. Content I had done a thorough clean-up job, I left to meet with my client. It was when I shook his hand that I wondered if in my haste I had overlooked washing mine.

All told, I am thankful to have managed to have gone unnoticed walking through the store and in the bathroom. It'd be embarrassing if a bunch of people knew I schit myself.

Ya shoulda went to Wal-mart. At least you could have purchased clean clothes.

Well Paul, in no way am I insinuating any form of insult or sarcastic disrespect butttt(no pun intended), that was the funniest story I've heard in a long time! Made my week! I only say that because I've been there myself.

TFF!!!!

I can't stop laughing! Sorry! But I've been there dude!

Been there done that too! Probably a result of the same taco truck. I was most fortunate I had my FR coveralls with me to change into.

As a friend of mine said when relating a similar story:
"That [bleep]'s funny when it happens to someone else!"

Never trust a fart or waste a boner.

Sure....... No one knows..... No one at all...... We are all mum. Especially those of us BTDT.

I was hoping y'all would enjoy my misfortune.

mmm hmmm

I've told this before, but can't pass on the opportunity to share it again. It involves and old gnome who left us a few years ago. I will tell it in the first person as he told it to me.

"I was coming back from hunting and could have walked along an almost frozen drainage ditch to the bridge, but that would have been a couple of miles out of the way. I decided to cross the ditch on a fallen tree trunk. I got part way on the frosty log when I lost my balance and came down straddling the log. It was bad enough that I wracked hell out of my balls when I hit, but I also tschidt my pants. I scooted the rest of the way across and when I got up and started waddling to the truck, the tschidt started to freeze up. When I got to the truck, it was pretty much frozen and hurt to sit on. (My balls still hurt like hell, too.) On the way home, I had the heater on and the tschidt thawed back out, which made it stink."

Interesting stories to post for all posterity to see and read for ever and ever. Your legacy, if you will.

Hate to tell you but you weren't exactly unnoticed

There is no doubt that about all of us have had the rectal mishap, at one time or the other in an inconvenient place...

what I wouldn't think of, is someone feeling the need to share it with everyone on the World Wide Web...

but what the hey....

When I was running in HS and college I had an intermittent issue with SBS. Seemed to raise its ugly head when I was the furthest from a good toilet. Hit once on the way home from a run. I thought I could make it if I ran faster, which of course only hurried up the impending doom, had to drop shorts in the front yard. Pulled out of a half marathon race 1/2 mile from the finish to do my business in some bushes by the road and then finish the race. Only the people I passed twice knew any better.

Finally decided to post. I had a similar event to the original post. Lost it as I tried to make it to the men's room in a big box store. Very loose but not totally liquid. I got in a stall, carefully lowered pants and underwear to minimize spread, and finished the BM. Nearly all of the damage was confined to my underwear which contained the mess. I could not remove pants and underwear without spreading things and making a much worse mess.

I cut the sides of my underwear with my pocket knife and removed my unders without taking off pants. The underwear contained the mess and cutting them off kept it from spreading.

I shuffled out of the stall, dropped the underwear bomb in a garbage can, wet some hand towels for washing and took a bunch of them back into the stall. Washed up, threw the wet paper hand towels in the same garbage can and headed home commando.

G F Y !

Since I told on myself in the other thread, I may as well bump this one.