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Sometime in Winston Churchill's political career and while at some English party of politico’s and blue bloods; WC is “deep into the cup.”

Exhibiting “some” of the usual signs of inebriation, a very proper, matronly English lady confronts Winston:

“Mr. Churchill, you sir are drunk and what’s more you are disgustingly drunk.”
“My dear madam, you are correct. You are ugly and what’s more, you are disgustingly ugly. But in the morning I shall be sober; you, however, shall still be disgustingly ugly.”

Another:

Lady Astor: “Winston Churchill, if you were my husband I’d put poison in your tea!”
Winston Churchill: “Lady Astor, if you were my wife, I’d drink it!

My dads favorite when I was a kid was “boy your a$$ is gonna be grass and I’m gonna be the lawnmower”.

If I'm not here, I'll be someplace else.

My Mom used to talk about a three legged hop to the hospital, " Cause my foot will be so far up your ass."

Top 10 Yogi Berra Quotes:

1. When you come to a fork in the road, take it.

2. You can observe a lot by just watching.

3. It ain’t over till it’s over.

4. It’s like déjà vu all over again.

5. No one goes there nowadays, it’s too crowded.

6. Baseball is 90% mental and the other half is physical.

7. A nickel ain’t worth a dime anymore.

8. Always go to other people’s funerals, otherwise they won’t come to yours.

9. We made too many wrong mistakes.

10. Congratulations. I knew the record would stand until it was broken.

My wife is the kind of woman that when her feet hit the floor each morning -

The Devil says, "Oh crap. She's up."

Great minds think alike, and fools rarely differ.....

Mark Twain, Churchill and Yogi Berra have the market pretty well cornered but here are a few favorites from others.

“I might not be that great of a guitar player, but when it comes to singing, at least I’m mediocre!”

Neil Young



Me: “What do you know Dave?”

Dave: “Well, a 200 pound dog’s a big one!”



“The only thing worse than a guitar is a guitar-ist!”

Nels Cline

There are three kinds of men. The one that learns by reading. The few who learn by observation. The rest of them have to pee on the electric fence for themselves. Will Rogers

Years ago, I would go to check on the little old lady next door. She was an old Vermont farmer and always had some witty things to say. One day I asked “Olive, how was your day?” Her answer was “I’ve been busier than a cat covering $hit on a tin roof.”

The problem is that there are so many fakes on the web that it's hard to find out what any of these guys really said.

An admirer once described the poet John Milton's wife as "a rose."

"I think you are right," Milton signed, "for I feel the thorns daily."

My dad was a WW2 "SeaBee". C.B. = Construction Battalion)

His quote was:
We are the unwilling led by the unknowing
doing the impossible for the ungrateful
and we have been doing so much with so little for so long
that we are are now qualified to do anything with nothing!

If you have read what they did on the islands in WW2 it's pretty close to the truth.

"We got trump now"

"I am a doctor"

Dad: Stop that crying or I'll give you something to cry about.
Me: (in my head) WTF Dad, I've obviously already got something to cry about.

One day when I was about 5 or so I had neglected to zip up my pants after taking a leak. Mom hollered at me to zip my pants. Dad responded to her with "what can't get up, can't get out". They laughed. I had no idea why.
Months later Dad and I were fishing with some of his friends. As my dad returned from the outhouse I noticed his pants weren't zipped and one of his buddies told him to zip his pants .
I hollered out "it's ok, what can't get up can't get out". Everybody, except my dad, roared with laughter.
Dad called me a smart assed little bastard...never understood why.

There are two kinds of people, and I don't like either one.

Don't look for me til you see me.

I refuse to join any organization that would have me as a member. Groucho Marx

There's two kinds of people in this world and you aint one of them. Dolly Parton

There's three kinds of people, those who can count and those who can't.

"If you can't keep it clean....keep your zipper up!"

Dad

I don't fear Satan - I'm married to his sister.