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Living in the Digital Age – FAQs
copyright 2016 – Steve Redgwell



Okay, I believe I’ve figured out this ‘living in the digital age’ thing. What do you think?

1. People are getting too fat to go outside.

Reading 24 Hr Campfire on a tablet, a laptop or a cell phone eliminates the need to leave the house. You can cyber hunt, work from home, bank online, go to school and shop from the comfort of your couch. But with the Internet at your finger tips, who needs school? You can figure out stuff with Yahoo or the Google.

And speaking of that couch, you might want to cyber buy another one. Your butt is getting bigger. You’ll need a wider, softer sofa to handle the load. But a bigger butt is not bad! It's a natural genetic change. As a species, we are adapting to our environment.



2. People expect to be given everything, and not have to work.

Well, duh! Unfortunately however, there are still people working, but they are being replaced with drones, robots and driverless cars. It won’t be long before everyone will be sitting at home. Let’s face it, you want to buy that new ‘Justin Bieber’ CD, but it will be a cold day in hell before you actually use your legs and walk to the store to buy it. That’s what amazon is for!

All clothes, furniture and electronics can be ordered online too, so there’s no need to go to a mall. That used to be appealing, but there are too many smelly, disease ridden people there! Some are foreigners, laden with imported diseases and smells. It’s easier to order on your laptop and have a drone fetch it to you. If it’s the wrong size, a drone will take it back too.

3. Stuff will break. Who fixes my ‘stuff’?

No one fixes stuff. You order new stuff from the Internets. Duh!

4. What about big stuff in my house, like pipes and heating stuff?

'Drop outs' fix that stuff. The ones who weren’t smart enough to win any Mortal Kombat, Grand Theft Auto or Witcher games, that’s who! The Net keeps track of that stuff and monitors everything. They are the human drones that mindlessly operate for the rest of us.

Soon though, machine drones will fix everything. I read on a website that stupid people will be processed into protein. There was a movie about that once – Soylent Green. I watched it on Netflix instead of doing work stuff. That’s the plan the government has anyway. I read that on the Internets.


Charlton Heston in Soylent Green - Soylent Green is people!

5. What happens if I get sick?

Fewer people will get sick because fewer people will interact with each other. We are naturally ‘socially distancing’ ourselves. It’s evolution! That means airborne and ‘touching’ diseases transmitted by a handshake or kissing (ugh) will drastically drop in frequency!

Also, eating healthy and taking the right meds is important. No need to see a doctor though. You can get information from Google about what to eat and when. In the unlikely event that you do get sick, a drone ambulance will come and get you. No worries. Just remember to wear your personal medical alarm thingy. It’s all good.

6. Will there actually be times when I have to go outside?

There will be a few, but the need is diminishing – thanks to technology!

7. Why won’t they just make better stuff for us?

They are! The good news is, they are working hard to eliminate many bothersome and unhealthy things. For example, the air outside our houses isn’t processed and can be dangerous to breathe unfiltered. You can catch sicknesses like the plague, or get bitten by zombies if you're outside, so going out isn't smart. And everyone knows someone who has allergies. Need I say more?

Mail is being replaced by email. Lawns can be cut with the latest robot technology. Dogs can be replaced with mechanical ones. The Japanese are the leaders in this area. The nice thing about mechanical dogs is they are sealed units that need no maintenance, no food, or any trips outside to go to the washroom. Just like old fashioned, real dogs, when their batteries run out, they die. The good thing about that is you can recycle them! New dogs from old!

8. People are getting too lazy to be physical. We have a few years to go, but it’s happening, right?

It's happening! Here's just one example. Cyber criminals are busy, but the group I call the ‘hands on’ criminals are a dying breed. Fewer thieves and robbers will leave the house. The lure of video games and sexting is too strong. Our current generation is more concerned with crushing candies or being an Internets super soldier. They are fighting wars on their cell phones with games like Mobile Strike. It’s easier and faster to fight via the Interwebs anyway, so real wars will be cyber ones soon.

Think of it. You get to text, eat pizza and watch porn at the same time as you play Super Smash Bros. You can vote online too, but why bother? As long as you have an Internet connection, who needs a government?

Technology is making our lives easier! People that say otherwise are just stupid.

But what if Yellowstone blows? Or a big meteor hits Hollywood?

Drones and maybe drop outs can fix geysers. I hit Hollywood in a Meteor, years ago. It didn't do any harm.

But Steve, did you take the emergency brake off first?

Oh yes! You are only supposed to use it for emergencies! That's how it got its name. I remember my driving instructor asking me the purpose of it. I wasn't sure how to respond, but said, "Well, it doesn't stop the bad guys!" I got extras.

Before a check out on a new veh, I discovered not to rely on it. A rifle (or a bouquet of them) is usually a better brake.