When I think of my mom the first picture in my head is her laying in a box.
When I think of my best friend the first picture is him laying in a box.
Now my brother is dying and the thought is I will travel across three states to see him in a box. Bullchit, who the [bleep] has the right to put that picture in my head? I want to remember my brother the way I want to remember him, and that ain't seeing him in a box.
No funeral for me, nor my wife, direct cremation,. Have a memorial several months down the line so no one feels compelled to come. No laying under some damned rock getting chit on by birds.

[bleep] funerals

I agree, I want my last memory of what I seen. I have a very vivid one , and I like it .count me out ...yeah its for the famdamly....yeah but I got to sleep...

You need a better Spank Bank account.

LOL
🦫

PS

Sorry about your brothers health.

I hear ya, ma’s funeral is tomorrow.

Our family's been getting hit hard the last few months. Not fun.

Hell of a way to put it. Sobering.

That's rough A&F, done that myself this year. But how you remember him is your choice.

It'll work out. Always does, just give it some time.

I went and 'viewed' both of my parents in a box. [bleep] morbid spectacle. People around jawing about the weather and such...

I ain't doing it for anybody else. Fugg 'viewing' and then funerals, I hate it all.

You don't have to look at them in the box. I never do. Why?
..

As much as a stranger can, I feel for you as those specific images dominate the mental pictures of your loved ones. I am sorry - not only for your genuine sense of loss - but for the frustration and even anger about the parting circumstances and the way those seem to dominate. The deaths of loved ones can move us deeply and even change our outlook on life, especially when we experience several such losses in a short time. I wish you peace and a sense of certainty as you plan your way.

The two earliest memories that I can come up with are related to death. Can't say which incident came first, but I remember being at my Grandmothers house, my Mothers, Mother, and when when we were getting out of the car, Her Sisters coming out and meeting us, crying. I could not understand why they were crying. I can't remember that Grandmother at all. The other was at my Dad's Mother and I remember my Mother lifting me up to see a woman in a casket. I know that I was around that woman before She died, but I do not remember Her. She was my Grandmothers sister, and lived with them for a while before She died. Those memories do not bother me, nor do other memories of seeing people in caskets. When I am dead, they can do whatever the family wants, as I will be gone. That said, I already have a plot in the Cemetery where all of my Fathers folks have been buried since the civil war ended and they moved Here from Mississippi. I now oversee that cemetery, and mark where the graves are dug, and am there when the Man digs the grave. I really don't want tot be cremated, but if that is what my family wants after I am dead, so be it. Cremations are way cheaper, and lots of people are going to that. miles

When I did a funeral once, I told folks that the casket is closed for a reason.
When someone dies, I hear people say how good the person looks or how good a makeup job the director did. I said, when so and so died, they did not look good. They died in a hospital and looked bad. I don't think that's the way I want to remember them. That's why we have pictures displayed with some of the family included. Those are the good memories we remember.

So, there Aremednfree. Another option if you like.
Even if you go to another funeral, nobody gets offended if you choose to not go to the casket. It's about getting together to support one another and hopefully hear a good sermon.
BTW, there's one linked in my signature that deals with this very subject.

Take care,
HC

I’m sorry for you and your families loss.

I’m sorry for your brother. Not the way I want to remember my brother either.

I remember Mom sitting in her chair by the fireplace, Dad at the cabin deer season. To have those days back. Love ya Mom and Dad!

Condolences. Like some here - I never do go look. I be the guy outside the chapel you go ask for extra tissues or some candy for the kids. Have found I keep my memories and be there for friends and family at the same time. 2020 was hard in more than one way.

C.

There's a tiny cemetery west of Boise on land that was homesteaded by my great grandfather. He sold a couple acres to the county around 1910 for a cemetery. It's not an official family cemetery but many of my relatives are there. Years ago, my mother bought 4 adjoining plots for our immediate family. They aren't assigned. She just bought them so they'd be there for whoever wanted to use them. At the time they only cost $75 each. They will allow 4 urns in each plot so we can bury 16 in them. My dad, my brother, and my 1st wife are in there now.

So far, we've all opted for cremation for the simple reason of cost. A cremation costs far less than even the cheapest caskets. None of us want to leave the family with the burden of an expensive funeral.

Open caskets are optional for a reason.

I will add hearing someone say how good the deceased looks gives me pause. When my dad passed away after 2 weeks in ICU and 3 days in hospice we cremated before the funeral. Had nice pictures of my dad active and younger instead of an open casket. I have instructions for the same thing when it is my turn. Viewings/wakes in my opinion are ancient and needless.

Best funeral I’ve ever been to was that of an old friend. She died of cancer in her fifties, so had plenty of warning of her death.

She stipulated she was to be cremated and that no service was to be held for six months. When the service was held the keen edge of loss was dulled, and instead it became a celebration of her life.

Also following her instructions, her daughter gave out portions of her ashes to certain family and friends to be scattered in places meaningful to them.

I started getting junk mail from “The Neptune Society” after my 60th birthday. Apparently it’s a pay-in-advance cremation outfit.

Next time I might take em up on it, save family and friends a bunch of hassles. Not really a fan of funerals.

Don't go in wherever it is they have the casket.

Did that w 1 uncle and several friends.

I guess it is different for me.

I was with both of my parents until the end...

Both as they passed... and both as the funeral truck left the house... and both buried in a box.

I never think on those images (unless I try).

For me the Soul/Spirit of Life was already gone.

I think on them often, but always something else. Mom in the kitchen or knitting and dad coaching or hustling to make a real estate deal for some happy customer.

Never a burdensome thought... but do wish they were still around for advice or to enjoy my accomplishments or the kid's accomplishments.

I guess we are all different.

Sorry for your loss... All going thru loss.

Cremation and have a sip of bourbon[no ice] on me.

So, it's not only me. After my paternal grandma died of cancer I wanted to give her a last glance. I shouldn't have done it. I got the key to the funeral parlor from the cemetery gardner. The bodies were placed in seperate chambers. The door was connected to the light switch. But it wasn't a decent light, it was one of those old neon tubes which are flickering. I opened the door and the flickering started and while flickering a saw her pale face and one of her eyes hadn't been closed by the nurse after her death. It took me years to forget what I saw even after looking at some old photographs of her.

I hate them and my family is well aware of my wishes. Straight to the cheapest crematorium and then have a party somewhere to tip a glass, maybe look at some pictures and laugh about the good times. I have had more than my share and will leave this earth with little regret. My friends and family know that and a funeral ruins that memory IMO.

Last thing I want when loved ones are grieving is dealing with anyone of the funeral business.

Told all my family, if you want an open casket, DON't put me in charge of arrangements..........

I have lost all 4 grandparents, have NO memories of them 'in a box'............. I never saw it open...

grandmother asked if I wanted them to open the lid on granddad..... I said no need, my last memory is me sitting on the floor in front of him in his chair with a bunch of family around................. that's how it should be, IMHO!

I have a pic of grandmother at 102 standing in the cane patch with a hoe, after she broke her SECOND hip, that's what I want to remember! She died at 104.....

Dad wants to be cremated and ashes 'spread'.............. we threaten to dump them in a 5 gal bucket, strap it to the back of the airboat and run up and down the Chassahowitzka River 'til he's gone............. he laughs and says that's good enough for me! He's 92, 6 weeks out of a hip replacement, he cut up a 90' pine tree yesterday that the wind blew down while he was laid up.....

Some people say they need to 'see it' for closure.................. maybe, but I never understood that, I have absolutely NO doubts they are gone!

But, we are all different, and there aren't any hard and fast rules to how this goes, just remember what ever is done is for those that remain, 'cause the 'host' don't care anymore!

My dad still isnt in a box.
Thought he should be. Hospice. Saying it could take days, or a week.
Family is wearing out....not good.

Being in the box aint a bad thing.

Its really really horrible, getting them there.

No box and no morbid funeral for me. I guess I have no say in it but that’s my wishes. Edk

The only person I think about "in a box" is my maternal grandmother. She used to "puff" when she'd nap and we'd all giggle about it. I was in my early teens when she passed away. She looked very lifelike in the casket and I finally said, "I keep waiting for her to puff." and all the family in the room had a good laugh, sort of lightened the mood. Dad told me later that everyone was thinking it (IE the puffing) but none of the adults felt like they should say it but it was perfectly appropriate that I did. I don't always picture her like that, but occasionally it comes up with family and we still get a chuckle. I don't think she'd mind.

As for the rest of the folks I've seen in caskets, that's never the memory that I think of, its just not. That thinking of folks in a box business sounds like an awful curse.

Yep.

Total harvest for anything usable and cremate the rest, memorial service down the line if family wants it.

No obituary, no funeral.

Do not mind the box that much but do mind the morbid funeral home. Have told my wife, I want a Wake, with open bar, music, (country and gospel) and want my friends to each tell a funny story about me. Laugh, live and have fun. I will be there in spirit.

NOTE: 2 songs I definitely want sung at the Wake are Jamie Johnson's :Lead me Home" and Prop me up by the Jukebox.

One of my grandfathers had bad tremors well before I was ever born, he could hardly feed himself and when he did....it was a mess. First time I ever saw him not shaking was in that box..a lot of emotions seeing him still like that. He was so proud of his funeral arrangements, I remember years earlier...going with him and my mother to the funeral home and him picking out his casket etc and him paying for everything in advance.

Waiting on the call about my other grandfather any day now. Gonna be a rough one.

Completely agree.

My solution isn’t to not go to the funeral or to be cremated but to avoid walking up and looking at corpses.

I’ve found the ceremony of a funeral to be deeply therapeutic but I am also deeply religious and I know those w/o such faith feel differently.

Death is a part of life and we all live in and with the absence of our dead loved ones.

Nothing is worse than seeing a child in a box, I lost a good friend that had a car accident when we were teenagers. I can still picture his dad sitting beside the casket just staring at him crying. About 10 years ago, my boss lost two daughers in a car accident, that was a rough wake. Couldn't imagine.

I have helped burry many loved ones. This may fit.

Ps 90 was featured prominently at both my parents’ funerals and will at mine & my wife’s.

Been thinking on this a lot lately. Who will remember me in 100 years? Then why the tomb stone? I'm with Toot. Harvest whatever is useful, cremate the rest.

What I am currently thinking about is mandating a variety of locations around America for my ashes to be spread. I'd provide funds for my kids and force them to see and experience out great land. Things like, scatter some ash on Ellis Island then have a steak dinner at the Oak room.

Thoughts?

Keith Richards snorted some of his fathers ashes. How the heck is that joker still alive.

Try to leave things a little better than you found them.

No box for me either. Funerals are such a waste of money that I want my family to be able to keep.

I just lost my dad this past Sept and its been rough as he was not only my dad but also my best friend. He was also cremated and always wanted to live in Montana but that never happened. I am heading out there on a muley hunt in November and dads ashes will be coming with me and spread so he will forever be there.

Want mine poured over a Trophy Rock, sombitchin deer can eat me

My wife’s dad died Monday morning. He had fought cancer for a year and last week finally decided enough was enough. He just wanted to be done with the fight. Literally the day he decided no more treatment he had a stroke. My wife spent 6 days changing diapers and giving him massive amounts of drugs to manage his pain. All the while slowly watching him wither away.

She’s the strongest person I know and this has absolutely crushed her.

Armednfree,

I prayed for your brother, you and your family.
My sincere concern. I hope he recovers from his challenge and soon.

To pick a nit, not to be snooty, but just wanting to help clarify, it is 'lying" in a box.

My wife fell heir to some old 8mm movies that her grandfather had shot. One reel contains nothing but many bit of footage of two kinds of events: planes taking off and landing, and the casket lids being closed for the final time on bodies.

I feel for her and you. Its all turning into a blur now and wirh questions comes all sorts of feelings.

It is crushing like you say.

Gotta just let it all go. Cant change it now and guilt real or imagined is just gonna punish the living and the dead person would not have wanted that.

Sounds good.

Doesnt work that easy though.

https://youtu.be/h2caT4q4Nbs

Better way if any of us can still walk

If it didn't link. Johnny Walker dear brother

Please don't display my dead body.

g

I don't even want my body displayed now.

Im a burn and urn type. Dump.my ashes at my fave dove field at the F&W area.

Or not.

Im sick of funerals, hospitals and legal.
Fugg all of it

Got another family member in hospice so doing this chit again in a couple more weeks.

And my ol ladys mom aint doing well too ( and that will be a chitshow )

My dads bud i shot bows and fished with, died on his place near a F&W hunting area he loved

Guess he was mowing and had a stroke. Critters had him for a few days before he was checked on.

Circle of life stuff

Gotta iron that stuff out. There's a very old family plot that lay in ruins for almost a century before some distant relatives went in and refurbished it. It's in a grove of trees in the middle of a large cornfield. The people who have farmed the land over the years didn't cultivate it because of the cemetery, of course. So it's grown up with trees. It has 5 generations of my family,...including those who immigrated here from England. I'm not positive, but I think I'm eligible for a free plot there because I'm a direct descendant. I need to check into that.

I used to run around down there when I was a kid, but only had a kid's understanding of my ancestral connection to the land it's located on.

It's very remote,....very quiet,..very private.

I think it would be a good place for my headstone.

,....just another in the linage that settled there.

Thomas Wolfe was wrong.

You can go home again.

Very nice. Sounds like a great trip already.

I come to skip the viewing of the body in a box. Rather remember them as they were alive.

No box for me. I've buried enough folks and even paid for one that won't even my family.
Told my current wife she could stop on the way home and throw the urn in a dumpster if she wanted.

I hear ya man, I watched my sister for 2 weeks lay in a bed in hospice, as she laid there and withered away, unable to muster even a sound and she laid there for almost 5 months before she finally passed. All my memories of her are when we were growing up as you kids, those are the memories that I will always cherish with her. When it's my time, my wife will have me cremated and she can do with my ashes whatever she wishes. Condolences to you and your family.

I'm here to tell ya', it's the last thing I intend to do!

My mom died in May in a nursing home. With all the covid crap just did cremation and had a private family only internment in August. Easy peasy. No visitation. Had a twin brother that committed suicide. Took his then about 5 yo daughter up to the open casket to say goodbye to dad one last time. She reached in the casket and grabbed him by the hand. Bout had a heart attack.

People stop going to your gravesite eventually anyways.
Huge monetary cost for burial versus creamation.

Just hang out up on the mantel somewhere.
And when ya get spilled .
They can always vacumn you up and dump ya back in the urn.


Gramps still causing us to work 10 yrs after he died kinda stuff.

I think that is what the American majority now believes. I would rather have my friends show up and have some laughs at my expense. My father's celebration of life was all laughter and funny memories...far superior send off IMHO, then depression and tears.

Going to a service of a dear Friend Saturday, no funeral, just ashes to bury next to his Mama, as he ask, it's still gonna suck!

Thing is, when people are at your wedding they all know you are married.
When they go to your funeral, they all know you died.

Perhaps more so years back before papers, radio, and internet.

Roots run deep here. I am marking a grave today for an acquaintance that I have known most of my life. Knew His family, and know the ones left behind. He will be buried in the same cemetery as His family, and My family on my Fathers side dating back to 1874. The man being buried today's father took care of the cemetery several years before me. I have been in charge for the last six years. A board controls the goings on, I just oversee it, for free. Only paid person is the lady that mows for us. miles

I too have chosen direct cremation, my reason has nothing to do with viewing etc.. But rather the greedy underhanded practices along with inflated charges in the funeral industry. And in the case of both parents how they got important details wrong. I'm not comfortable signing a contract that states that student morticians (under the supervision of licensed morticians) may be involved in preparation of the body. I don't want anyone practicing on my body, in the case of my mother it looked as if this was the case. In the case of my dad the funeral director insisted that he needed an "oversize casket". My dad was 5'11" and weighed 190#, hardly a candidate for other than a standard size casket. Since my mom was in charge of making his arrangements she went along with that pitch and $3K upcharge. I have since been told by those in the industry that this was pure BS, part of the way unscrupulous operators get extra money out of grieving clients.

My dad had $ set aside for his. Wanted buried, next to his brother. Be about 15k.

Could burned and urned and put that next for way cheaper.

Not what he wanted.


I should have my headstone shaped like a urinal
Anybody visiting mine will proly just say " pizz on him ".
Accomodating, even though Ive passed.

Will say after my aunt's funeral.my sis wanted to see where some family was buried, and where dad would eventually lay.

And that can be of help to folks.

Bet I hadnt seen any of those graves for a couple of years.
Drive by that cemetery all the time. I know who is in there.
Think about it sometimes.

If i had a good woman that i was married to and she passed, i might want a service/ marker to honor her and have a more focused place to grieve. Or if I lost a child.

Outside of that....a waste of money IMHO

Before the War of Northern Aggression, when someone died, they buried them almost immediately. Because soldiers were getting killed and buried on the battlefield, many wanted them buried near their home by their family. So, embalming began, and they shipped the boys home for one last look by their parents or relatives. It stuck and funerals began.

When my older brother was killed in a car wreck in 1968, I HAD to see his body laying in a casket, just to make sure there hadn't been some kind of mistake.

I just couldn't believe he was dead until I saw his body. I needed that.

I can still see my dad lying in an ICU bed gasping for air, the day before he died. That's NOT a good memory either.

Virgil B.

Lost my mom on 1-18 from a short but nasty bout of stomach cancer. We will have her urn and pictures of her as we all want to remember her. I don't want to be put on display when I'm dead. I've come to see this as really morbid.

Yep.

Put the ashes in a douche bag and run’em through one more time for the last time.

That's a fairly disgusting thing to say.

If you say so.

RIP, Bristoe.