When were about 6 years into our marriage we were at a local store and she started reaming out a guy that was 3 times my size, fortunately I knew the guy quite well she just didn't know it.
When I quite laughing I asked her if she was trying to get my ass beat.
When wife was birthing our 3rd. Turned out the OB and I had some connections. We were just chatting about business, etc. and she suddenly screams, "I'm trying to have a baby here!"
I have a double. My wife and my sister-in-law were looking at a house plan and noted all the "Unfin. Storage" in the basement. They put their heads together and discussed, but then asked:
I have a double. My wife and my sister-in-law were looking at a house plan and noted all the "Unfin. Storage" in the basement. They put their heads together and discussed, but then asked:
My sister was reviewing a flooring invoice and noticed a line item directed to the installer. She got all twisted up over it since the installer costs were supposed to be rolled into the carpet price. She called the company and demanded to know why LR Hall was directly paid $250.
My sister was reviewing a flooring invoice and noticed a line item directed to the installer. She got all twisted up over it since the installer costs were supposed to be rolled into the carpet price. She called the company and demanded to know why LR Hall was directly paid $250.
because that was probably what it was going to cost for total labor for the installer for the job, they always get on that kind of deal.
Top this...my p.o.s. pickup quit coming home from work one day, borrowed a phone and called the soon to be wife, "get a tow chain and come and get me". She did, we are heading home with the usual drama, bang, slack, jerk, rattle rattle clink tinkle, so she gets up about 30 mph finally smoothing out, the chain however came unhooked, she never even looked in the mirror, she's headin' home, I'm sitting on the side of the road seeing her disappear into the distance. She had to have made it nearly 5 miles before noticing I wasn't hooked on. We didn't talk much when she showed back up about 15 minutes later, so I hooked up again and we made it home. Haven't really brought it up over the last 45 years coward that I am.
Her pinning me in the back door of my F150 with one of those Wally World gimp carts while I’m trying to load groceries. Backed up and rammed the back door, with me still in it about three time. Laughing her azz off the whole time.
Thanks to my cat like reflexes I was able to dodge her cereal bowl and a can of green beans on another occasion. But she did sucker knock me with her walker once real good while I was trying to clean up something.
Wife is pregnant. Goes to visit her mother for the day an hour away. No big deal. I had things to do around the apartment anyway.
2 weeks later we're all together with her parents and he mother asks me how I liked the apple pie she made? WTF? What apple pie?
Wife starts bawling.
Here she ate the apple pie, while DRIVING on the way home with her hands and stopped off at a gas station to wash them and throw out the tin before she got to the house. Never mentioned it to anyone. Ate a whole damn pie in 60 miles.
Wife is pregnant. Goes to visit her mother for the day an hour away. No big deal. I had things to do around the apartment anyway.
2 weeks later we're all together with her parents and he mother asks me how I liked the apple pie she made? WTF? What apple pie?
Wife starts bawling.
Here she ate the apple pie, while DRIVING on the way home with her hands and stopped off at a gas station to wash them and throw out the tin before she got to the house. Never mentioned it to anyone. Ate a whole damn pie in 60 miles.
Wife is pregnant. Goes to visit her mother for the day an hour away. No big deal. I had things to do around the apartment anyway.
2 weeks later we're all together with her parents and he mother asks me how I liked the apple pie she made? WTF? What apple pie?
Wife starts bawling.
Here she ate the apple pie, while DRIVING on the way home with her hands and stopped off at a gas station to wash them and throw out the tin before she got to the house. Never mentioned it to anyone. Ate a whole damn pie in 60 miles.
That’s hard to top. Funny.
And she wasn't/isn't a big girl. Was maybe 130 lbs at the time. Was 5 months preggo?
Wife is pregnant. Goes to visit her mother for the day an hour away. No big deal. I had things to do around the apartment anyway.
2 weeks later we're all together with her parents and he mother asks me how I liked the apple pie she made? WTF? What apple pie?
Wife starts bawling.
Here she ate the apple pie, while DRIVING on the way home with her hands and stopped off at a gas station to wash them and throw out the tin before she got to the house. Never mentioned it to anyone. Ate a whole damn pie in 60 miles.
Wife is pregnant. Goes to visit her mother for the day an hour away. No big deal. I had things to do around the apartment anyway.
2 weeks later we're all together with her parents and he mother asks me how I liked the apple pie she made? WTF? What apple pie?
Wife starts bawling.
Here she ate the apple pie, while DRIVING on the way home with her hands and stopped off at a gas station to wash them and throw out the tin before she got to the house. Never mentioned it to anyone. Ate a whole damn pie in 60 miles.
Wifey took exception to something I said, chunked a plastic bottle of syrup. It missed me, exploded when it hit the wall. It made the biggest damn mess. I had to clean it up.
Wife and I were headed out of town to Cades Cove for a few days shorty after being married. Driving up to the NC mountains back then was frustrating because HWY 421 was a two lane road and you always were at the mercy of 18 wheelers and RV slugs.
We were bickering about me wanting to stop at a off the track gun store in Yadkinville. As I pulled in to the gravel lot there were a couple of old guys standing around a pick up. I was sipping a cold adult beverage at the time and reached over and pushed the bottle down in my wife's crotch and told her "to keep it cold for me while I went in".
When I reached for the door going into the building that long neck Bud exploded on the brick wall beside me. Never before saw old fellas high stepping as fast as those old boys were getting out of the line of fire.
Wifey took exception to something I said, chunked a plastic bottle of syrup. It missed me, exploded when it hit the wall. It made the biggest damn mess. I had to clean it up.
I would not have.
It would have become modern art that feeds the cockroaches before I cleaned that up.
Years ago, I hid a key on the wife's truck, showing her where it was. (In case of lock-out) Fast forward ~ 3 years, I get a call (she's over at Los Alamos, ~ 95 miles away) "Can you bring the spare key - the PD here won't break in the truck for me." She got PIZZED when I started laughing - "What's so damn funny?" When I settled down, and said "Hon, do you remember where WE hid the spare key?", She got riled up even more! Still mad after almost 2 hours of "settle down time", driving home.
When my wife was pregnant with our first I went with her to see her OB in preparation for going into the delivery room with her. The doctor explained the procedures I was likely to see and explained about the possibility of an episiotomy saying that after delivery he would stitch her back up and asked if I had any questions. I asked if it would be possible for him to sew in a draw string while he was at it! The doctor laughed so hard he literally had tears streaming from his eyes. My wife, on the other hand.....well it seemed she left her sense of humor home that day
Wifey took exception to something I said, chunked a plastic bottle of syrup. It missed me, exploded when it hit the wall. It made the biggest damn mess. I had to clean it up.
I would not have.
It would have become modern art that feeds the cockroaches before I cleaned that up.
Wife's been induced. Kid's way early - issues, need to deliver now or we lose the boy and the wife.
I'm doing the "dad" thing and helping out. We never did lamaze or anything - was too early. I'm standing there holding a leg, son's born, they whisk away to NICU etc. I'm freaking out - he was blue and never made a noise. I'm not a doctor but I know blue is bad and quiet is bad. Wife is out of it - I'm 22 and this was the first real "oh crap, adulthood is hitting HARD today" moment.
When stressed, I get sarcastic.
Nurse goes "You handled that well. Most fathers get green and have to sit down" - I looked at her and said "No worse than gutting a deer". She didn't find it funny. Bud damn man - my brain was 100mph then.
2 days later, doc asks me who I think the kid looks like - I said the neighbor. Wife didn't find that funny either.
Wife's been induced. Kid's way early - issues, need to deliver now or we lose the boy and the wife.
I'm doing the "dad" thing and helping out. We never did lamaze or anything - was too early. I'm standing there holding a leg, son's born, they whisk away to NICU etc. I'm freaking out - he was blue and never made a noise. I'm not a doctor but I know blue is bad and quiet is bad. Wife is out of it - I'm 22 and this was the first real "oh crap, adulthood is hitting HARD today" moment.
When stressed, I get sarcastic.
Nurse goes "You handled that well. Most fathers get green and have to sit down" - I looked at her and said "No worse than gutting a deer". She didn't find it funny. Bud damn man - my brain was 100mph then.
2 days later, doc asks me who I think the kid looks like - I said the neighbor. Wife didn't find that funny either.
Girlfriend came home saying the clerk at Walmart was one of the biggest bitches she ever met. I asked her if she was using the self checkout. That was a fun night
Wifey took exception to something I said, chunked a plastic bottle of syrup. It missed me, exploded when it hit the wall. It made the biggest damn mess. I had to clean it up.
I would not have.
It would have become modern art that feeds the cockroaches before I cleaned that up.
She was pregnant with second, going crazy with a two year old. I cut her a break.
Wife and I were in the delivery room having our first born and I decided that the best place for me was up at the head end. I gave her my index finger to squeeze which was a big mistake. She had that finger bent back so far that I think that I was in as much pain as she was. Advice to all new fathers is always to offer at least two fingers.
Light comes on the dash of my mother-in-laws car. i look it up in the manual (this was before the systems that tell you exactly what is wrong) and tell my wife she just needs an oil change. my wife decides that is not it and that it needs water and then proceeds to fill the entire crank case with water (where the oil goes). when she tried to crank it, the car hydrolocked before starting. Well she did need an oil change after that. Over 3 of them. Luckily no long term damage to the vehicle. but cost me about $500.
i like to bring this up when she questions my car diagnosis lol
Girlfriend came home saying the clerk at Walmart was one of the biggest bitches she ever met. I asked her if she was using the self checkout. That was a fun night
Wife is pregnant. Goes to visit her mother for the day an hour away. No big deal. I had things to do around the apartment anyway.
2 weeks later we're all together with her parents and he mother asks me how I liked the apple pie she made? WTF? What apple pie?
Wife starts bawling.
Here she ate the apple pie, while DRIVING on the way home with her hands and stopped off at a gas station to wash them and throw out the tin before she got to the house. Never mentioned it to anyone. Ate a whole damn pie in 60 miles.
Wife is pregnant. Goes to visit her mother for the day an hour away. No big deal. I had things to do around the apartment anyway.
2 weeks later we're all together with her parents and he mother asks me how I liked the apple pie she made? WTF? What apple pie?
Wife starts bawling.
Here she ate the apple pie, while DRIVING on the way home with her hands and stopped off at a gas station to wash them and throw out the tin before she got to the house. Never mentioned it to anyone. Ate a whole damn pie in 60 miles.
That’s natural talent. Ya can’t coach that!
The Baby just got a sweat tooth and mama had to comply
back in the old days my wife would never look up a phone number in our address book. Instead, she would just ask me the number since i was good at remenbering phone numbers. I warned her about asking me for phone numbers all the time so, one day she asked for my sisters phone number and I purposely changed the last diget of the phone number. So... She calls the number and then speaks to the person, Not my sister for over ten minutes. i am sitting right there watching and listening to the conversation. Awe struck because i know i gave her the wrond number. Until, finally she reaziles that the person she is talking to is not my sister. WTF................. and very funny.
We are in the labor room with the OB. Things are progressing quite rapidly.
The hospital had a policy forbidding dads in the delivery room, unless they had lamaze. I said BS. I am not wasting time on that crap. By then I had been armpit deep in more cows than I could count, and it isn't any different.
So anyway, the OB says, She's coming right along. I think we can have this baby right here in the labor room. What do you think.
Doc, whatever you say goes. You are the expert.
So anyway, a few minutes later. I am sitting beside wife's left knee while she is absolutely crushing my left hand, and Dr. is sitting beside her right knee. When he looks at me and asks: Are you going to be allright in here.
I looked back at Dr. and dead serious said: Dang it, I forgot the baling twine.
He got a blank "WTF" look on his face, and questioned: Baling twines?
To which I replied: To tie around the little sucker's feet and pull him out of there.
Dr. gave me a bit of a puzzled look for a moment, then grinned and said: Yeah, you're gonna be fine.
I laughed. Dr. laughed. Momma did NOT laugh. 40 years later, Momma still does not see the humor.
And about five minutes later we had a healthy, pink, squalling boy.
Wife called me at work in a panic because she was shopping and she couldn't get back into the car because remote key fob died. I told her to use the key, the one in her hand below the buttons.... Duh.
Then there was the time when we were newlyweds that she went searching for a gas leak behind the stove with a match. I kid you not!
Wife called me at work in a panic because she was shopping and she couldn't get back into the car because remote key fob died. I told her to use the key, the one in her hand below the buttons.... Duh.
Then there was the time when we were newlyweds that she went searching for a gas leak behind the stove with a match. I kid you not!
I saw Wifey doing that cshit too with a match, she got mad when I called her a Dumass Aggie Engineer. She didn’t have her degree then, but she was mad as hell. I won a 100 bucks from her when I predicted Manziel would flame out in the NFL. I’m proud of that.
Many years ago my new young wife and I had a bunch of family over for dinner. A bowl of something needed heating up so she took it off the table and stuck it in the oven for 15 min. When she brought it back, she held it with hotpads while I dished some out. HOLY HELL! She'd left the spoon in it in the oven. My hand got roasted.
Many years ago my new young wife and I had a bunch of family over for dinner. A bowl of something needed heating up so she took it off the table and stuck it in the oven for 15 min. When she brought it back, she held it with hotpads while I dished some out. HOLY HELL! She'd left the spoon in it in the oven. My hand got roasted.
Bonus points if you have burn scars. You can get them to do anything you want with burn scars. (almost)
Many years ago my new young wife and I had a bunch of family over for dinner. A bowl of something needed heating up so she took it off the table and stuck it in the oven for 15 min. When she brought it back, she held it with hotpads while I dished some out. HOLY HELL! She'd left the spoon in it in the oven. My hand got roasted.
Way back when I was welding every day my wife had something in the oven and she could not find the hot pad holders. She started panicking and started the girly wining. I told her to get out of my way. I opened the oven door reached in and grabbed the pot that dinner was cooking in. I then picked it up and set it on top of the stove It may have taken me 5 seconds. So then she literally freaked out and told me how stupid I was because now she had to take me to the emergency room for burns on my hands. I then turned my hands over and said what burns. My hands were fine not even any red from any heat rash.
She just looked at me with those devil eyes that women's get.
I then explained to her that my hands are on fire all day from the heavy welding that I do for a living pulling that pot out of the oven was nothing more than I do every day all day.
She still looked at me with the devil eyes.
I can not do that now my hands have turned soft over the years of not welding every day.
Wife and the girls and I were going someplace when the girls were about 10 and 12. We stopped to get gas, wife was driving. There is ONE pump open, place is busy. I point out the open pump. Wife declines, no reason given. Pump stays open while she surveys the other, apparently more acceptable, pumps. I mention again that the ONE pump remains open. Youngest girl chimes in to help ol’ dad out. Wife’s jaw is set, she is NOT going to THAT pump.
We finally got fueled up, but not at THAT pump. It is a source of hilarity for me and the girls to this day, wife will admit that it was simple stubbornness. Fortunately, that is the one and only time I can remember her being stubborn, other than staying with me.
She is a pretty bright lady and seldom gives me cause to shake my head. But there was an incident about six months after we were married.
While in High School, she had worked at Taco Time. While there she had collected a set of "Looney Tunes" drinking glasses.
One morning she hollered at me to come kill a spider. It was inside the Bugs Bunny glass. So I killed it. She promptly picked up the glass and dropped it into the kitchen garbage. I told her there was nothing wrong with the glass and I squirted a little Dawn into it then washed it and put it into the proper cabinet.
The next day when I took the garbage out to the burn barrel, there was Bugs Bunny sitting atop the barrel.
I took poor Bugs in, rinsed him out, and ran him through the dish washer. Momma walked into the kitchen just as I was placing Bugs into his place in the cabinet.
Without a word, she reached over and picked up the glass. Silently, she walked out to the burn barrel and broke that glass over the rim of the barrel.
My EX-wife and I were moving from NAS Pensacola to Camp Lejeune, probably 1984ish. Way before cell phones. I’m driving the U-Haul truck with everything we owned in it with my truck in tow on a carrier, all paid for through the generosity of the Marine Corps, with the dogs in the no a/c cab with me. She’s driving the Buick following.
When we stopped somewhere to get gas, I said let’s go another hour or so, when I see a decent sized exit with a McDonalds ahead, I’ll turn on my emergency flashers. You pull off and pick us up some lunch, I’ll pull over after the exit on the side of the highway, let the dogs do their business, and then you can bring me something to eat and drink, and we’ll go until we need gas again. (I’ll admit, I was nervous about getting trapped in some parking lot or drive through with the truck, trailer, etc).
Hour or so later, I saw what I was looking for, put the flashers on, she pulled off, I pulled off after the exit. Put the dogs on leashes and they did their business, back in the cab they went. I’m pretty proud of my planning skills at this point. I’m leaning against the back of my truck having a smoke, watching the on ramp a few hundred yards behind me. Here comes the blue Buick, quickly gets to highway speed and flies by me going about 75. I’m standing there in disbelief. WTF?!?!?!
I stand there in disbelief until she’s damned near out of sight, cuss, stomp out the smoke, get back in the U-Haul, fire it up and take off in “hot pursuit”. Not only did it take forever to get it up to about 50, I immediately remembered that it had a limit of about 58 mph. I did not see the back end of the Buick for over an hour! 🤬 By this time, we’d thankfully hit some traffic and I was able to actually pass her, got in front of her, signaled at the next decent exit to get gas. I pulled into a gas station with no overhang, jumped out of the cab, and began the WTF discussion. Her response, “Oh, I thought you meant you wanted me to bring you your lunch the next time we stopped to get gas.” My question of “why the fugg do you think I was sitting there on the side of the highway?!?!” was met with the same blank stare as if I’d asked her for the atomic weight of plutonium!
She went back to the Buick after handing me that cold-ass sack of McDonalds and the watery Coke. I filled the truck up and pointed it towards North Carolina. Pretty cold in the hotel room that night as well!
What JB calls a "starter Wife" woke up one morning mad enough at me not to speak. Finally got it out of her, she had a dream where I was with another woman.......WTF!
What JB calls a "starter Wife" woke up one morning mad enough at me not to speak. Finally got it out of her, she had a dream where I was with another woman.......WTF!
Have been to too many restaurants and the waiter or kitchen gets her order wrong .you don't want to be anywhere near her whe she unload s ,it has happened so many times the girls and I call it the bad waiter speech
My wife, one of our friends and I were going to spend the day on the water, fishing, swimming and just generally hanging out. I had tinkered with the boat trailer lights the night before so when we were ready to leave I told the wife to go see if the lights are working.
"left signal?" = "yep"
"right signal?"
"right signal?" = "yep" (Now she's on the back right side of the boat trailer)
"Brakes?" = "ummm....right side is working. Hold on...(walks to back left side of boat trailer) = "yep"
What JB calls a "starter Wife" woke up one morning mad enough at me not to speak. Finally got it out of her, she had a dream where I was with another woman.......WTF!
How long did you live with her prior to marrying her? I ran three years...
The wife was on the table getting ready to have a C section delivery of our son. I’m standing back by the surgeon watching as the doc takes the scalpel and slices across her distended stomach. Before I could catch myself I said “dang, this is just like gutting an elk!” Didn’t have to worry about child number two for awhile after that comment!
Wanted a Miroku 45-70 back in the 90s. Talked with the wife about it as it was a fair bit of coin for us back in the day. I had an opportunity to do some extra work to earn the money without affecting the household budget. So she agreed. A month or so later, I walk through the door with said 1886 in hand. Wifey is sitting on the couch with a couple of friends and it gets real quiet as I walk through the living room. A bit later they leave and she’s in the kitchen. I asked her something about seeing the gun and she turns and launches the 2 qt. saucepan at me. I quickly duck and beat a hasty retreat.
After a few hours, I came back and ask her WTH that was about. Apparently yes meant no and I was supposed to know the difference and I embarrassed her in front of her friends! She was always a bit crazy 😵💫
What JB calls a "starter Wife" woke up one morning mad enough at me not to speak. Finally got it out of her, she had a dream where I was with another woman.......WTF!
Oh yeah, Momma has done that a few times. But she is able to laugh about the silliness of it, even though she is still giving me suspicious glances.
When were about 6 years into our marriage we were at a local store and she started reaming out a guy that was 3 times my size, fortunately I knew the guy quite well she just didn't know it.
When I quite laughing I asked her if she was trying to get my ass beat.
Agreed, second time around. Looks and lovin' don't last. Cookin', personality and good conversation does. I do get cussed out for what she thinks I'm thinking from time to time though which doesn't seem fair.
Mine happens regularly - my wife leaves food on the stove unattended. Twice since she almost burned the house down a few weeks back. I can see something simmering and I accept that but not when frying or sauté something.
The other is her cutting hotdog or brat buns all the way through as if they were hamburger buns. Even "pre sliced" buns. That makes it difficult to add any condiments.
Back when I was working, my wife said see wanted to see the doctor as something wasn't quite right. Now I worked rotating shifts so she had to see the doc without me coming along. I got home to find the wife crying and I'm thinking the worst. She kept crying and telling me I was gonna get mad and and I kept telling her I wouldn't. Finally she calmed down enough and said, "The doctor said there is nothing wrong with me. I'm just slightly pregnant." I told her, "I was not angry and don't worry about it. We'll find the space." You see, when I married her, she'd already had three kids from a previous marriage. Guess she forgot what being pregnant felt like. Anyway after a long wait she gave birth to a baby girl. Damn! I can't believe that was over 50 years ago. Time does fly. Paul B.
I can’t tell navy pants from black. My wife, being irritated with this, decided to mark them for me. Great!
One day, I got a pair out, looked, and saw the marking “BL” on the tag. WTF??!!?? BLue? BLack? I go out another pair…same thing! And another, and another!!!
LOL! She wasn’t sure either, but she DID mark them for me, bless her heart!
My wife left her missionary family overseas at age 17 to attend the Univ of WA. She bought a car. She had never seen anyone work on a car, but she replaced her overhead camshaft.
Last week [49 years later] we replaced the garbage disposal under the sink. We took turns working. My hand strength is better.
When my wife and I were dating, I took her out groundhog hunting. I missed a groundhog and she found it very amusing. She laughed like you would at a toddler who fell down. Later a fox came out in the same field. I did not miss the fox. She did not know I was going to shoot it and lost her mind. I was unapologetic and told her to get over it. She did...but it was not a pleasant evening.
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