Two weeks ago at my last physical, I made the mistake of screaming when my doctor checked my prostate. I told him that he will make a note on my chart that he is to never, ever check my prostate again! He said in conjunction with the fact that I've been complaining of groin pain, I might want to see a urologist. If you've never been, here's how your trip might go.

I took a nice visit to North Providence (the ghetto) and found my doctor's office building. It had a "For Sale" sign on the door. Across the street was the standard strip mall with pawn shop, liquor store, and Boy Scout Supply (?). There were about a dozen people waiting outside for the pawn shop to open. To fence what they stole last night so they could go next door and buy a fifth of something and a red beret, I imagine. I sprinted from the garage to the elevator and then into his office.

His lovely young secretary checked me in and gave me 6 pages of forms to fill out. She took me into an examination room and asked me another 20 questions. Personal ones, so they could ascertain my medical history, sex life, and orientation... At this point, I suspect STD's are a pretty big part of his business. I had a flash back to a girlfriend in college who was a nursing major. She dragged me down to health services to get checked for HIV before she'd let me touch her. I had a to answer a similar questionnaire before they drew my blood back then too. I'll never forget how humiliating that was. When you get to the point when they're asking if you've ever had gay unprotected sex with sheep, you're pretty much hit the rock bottom of self examination. You know they're asking that question because someone's done it! I held that against her right up until the day she dumped me! Well now, the nurse gives me 2 jars and tells me to step in the rest room and fill them. Then she says strip from the waist down and lie on the little table and wait for the doctor. Yup. No problem. The table is 4' long and I'm 6'3. Swell.

There's a certain indignity to stripping from the waist down and lying on a table. I'm actually sitting up on the table because I'm a couple feet too long for it. I'm there and thinking I should probably cross my legs. Modesty right! Now I have something resembling a tennis ball in a Crown Royal bag popping out. Perhaps due to my size, I haven't seen them in a while and it was kind of a strange moment being reunited. Now, of course, the young secretary walks back in, looks at me, smiles, and picks up my specimens. She smiles again, walks out, and I figure I've got nothing to be ashamed of now. Whatever the doc does to me, it doesn't matter.

Eventually the doctor walks in and tells me to stand up and stretch. Lean left, right, forward, back. Touch my toes... Any pain? Nope. I'm thinking I sure hope he does this with everybody and that I'm not fulfilling some Richard Simmons fantasy of his or anything!

Now he tells me to lie down and he's going to check me for a hernia. He pushes his hand up a good 4" into my groin and says I've got a hernia. He checks the other side and says I've got two! Not big enough to operate on, but there, none the less. Then he pokes my guts and asks if anything hurts. Nope. I figure I'm done. Nah. I heard the familiar pffttt of someone squeezing something out of a tube and the the words "stand up and bend over."

He jammed a finger in a place I just had hemorrhoids fixed last year and I started yelling at him. He says "my finger is only in your rectum." He wiggled his finger and said "I haven't even touched your prostate yet." I said through my clenched teeth, "stop wiggling your damn finger and get on with it." I'm on my tiptoes shaking like a small dog trying to poop a pine cone as he tries to evaluate my prostate with a fingertip. The whole time, I'm looking around the room for a sharp object or something heavy to bludgeon this guy with if he doesn't get his finger out of me in the next 2 seconds. There are no potential weapons in the room, and I'm sure it's on purpose they don't leave anything around. They must teach that in both medical and dental schools! He finishes and says to clean myself off and meet him in his office.

I'm sitting there and he tells me the prostate seems good. I have matching congenital cysts on my nuts and two hernias. Then, he says "I don't think the pain is from any of these things." Why do they tell you they've found stuff that has no bearing on your condition. Just to make you lose sleep thinking about it?

Now he is looking at my blood work I brought with me and he asks about the pain. I said I have been in a lot of pain, groin and knees mostly. I went on vacation and forgot to bring my Crestor pills. After a couple days, the pain went away. In two years of taking the darn pills, my knees have been killing me the last one. I told my doctor and he took me off the pills. The stuff was causing inflammation. The doc said it might be causing my groin pain as well. Now that I'm off the statins, maybe everything will get better.

After a pause and a sigh, he looks up at me again and asks about my sex life. I said I had a girlfriend (oh yeah, I laid down the straight card as early in the conversation as I could). He asked if we were sexually active. I said "not really." Certainly not lately. The girl has 3 kids, 2 jobs, and doesn't really like me that much to begin with! He asked if I had sex on my vacation. I looked at him and said No. He stared at me. "I went deer hunting" I said. He said "are you sure." I said I was sure. I'm not attracted to either my hunting buddies or deer!

He said it's probably muscular. I have trouble taking Advil, but he wants me to take 2 baby Advil a day and rest. I'm to go and see him again in 4 weeks and he mentioned possibly getting a cat scan if I don't feel better. I thanked the doc and drove myself home. I worked at my rod and gun club's game dinner for about 6 hours and home. I was fine the next day. The following day, I could barely walk. I think doctors push on spots they know are going to hurt later and just don't tell you. I've been sore over a week now. It better heal up by my second visit or I'm going to have a choice word or two with the doc about it.

It seem like another milestone along the path of life. Adding another kind of doctor to the list of people who get to hurt you in some awful undignified way. Well, I consoled myself by trying to find the humor in it all, as usual... and by going out and buying a nice Enfield rifle I've had my eye on.

Dude you are always funny as chit...have a way with words.

I have seen 1 DR in 10 yrs...now I have 20 batteries of tests and 3 medications...reminds me why I don't go to the DR.

There's another thread up where "Digital Dan" said he read the whole thing without laughing. I felt inspired. I'm pretty confident if he finds this, he ain't getting through it without a chuckle!

WAY TO GO dude but but prostrate biopsies are a whole lot more fun























NOT

NORM

Dang. While that was funny to read, I don't envy you. Two hernias and hemorrhoids ... talk about some bad juju. Get well fella. What do you think caused the hernias?

Rob, very humorous and I can relate, as I just had my annual physical last week and got the "finger check" as part of the standard procedure.

I hate going through that process but I figure it beats finding out too late that you've got prostate problems.

The doc told me that I've probably had the hernias for a while. The pain hasn't been enough to force me to treatment. I haven't been able to sit on a bicycle seat since I was a teenager, and if that has something to do with why, it's been a long time.
I'm not in the best of shape but I have done landscaping since I was a kid and have worn myself out a little.

Had the roid surgery years ago and it felt like someone put a grenade in my butt and pulled the pin.

Don't worry bout the finger checking you out. Uncle Sam gets in a lot deeper and never pulls out. Ain't no surgery that has been found to fix that and under the BamBam they go in way deeper.

Qtip
Soli Deo Gloria!

"shaking like a small dog trying to poop a pine cone" classic

Back from changin' me sharts. ROTF and all that. Story well told.

My previous employer had a flight surgeon that administered an annual physical which included a finger wave. I always asked him to take off his class ring first...

Class ring hell, my doc left his watch in me once. I had to go through therapy to get past the feeling of being violated.

Damn! 'Nuther pair of sharts!

At least nobody's asking for a second opinion...

My father had hemorrhoids operated on and said he did not know which was worse, the operation or the hemorrhoids( which he referred to as the "Grapes of Wrath")

Thanks for the posting. As usual, a great read.

Steve

My brother is a big dude - 6'-7" and 270-ish. He's got massive square hands that look like they could peel armor and probably can. Brother had a prostrate check and when that was done and the exam over he shook hands with the doctor on the way out the door. The doctor commented, "Wow, it's not often I meet someone with bigger hands than me."

Brother replied, "Have you considered a different line of work?"

damn Rob, that is a LOT of 'too much personal info'. Geez.

My Brother had a physical a couple weeks ago and said that he had to find a doctor with smaller hands. With all the advances in medicine, they can't come up with something better than a finger up your butt! I think they do it to humiliate you. Just like when they have you sit in their waiting room for a half hour and then they put you in an exam room where they make you weight another half hour. Your usually in a Johnny and it's freezing cold. They come in and see you for two minutes and say goodbye with a finger in the kazoo.

...."Rectum, damn near killed em"!

The oriental doctors generally have smaller fingers.

Uh, Rob, you know they don't do digital rectal exams anymore, don't you?




Just kidding. Sorry about the molestation. That was a funny read.

It could have been worse; he could have put BOTH hands on your shoulders while doing the prostate exam.

Humm .. maybe a poke in the eye with a sharp stick IS a better alternative.

Female doctors probably have smaller fingers, too. I've never asked for that option but it's probably worth considering.

It is amazing how many doctors and dentist we pay to hurt us.

I've had female primary care physicians for the past 15 years.

Prostate exams are a lot less creepy that way.

Getting old is not for sissies...I'm 64 and had to have a needle stuck into Mr. Happy last fall. Although it wasn't QUITE as bad as I feared, I would prefer to wait another 64 years before it happens again.

I had surgery back in '86 and they inserted a foley catheter to drain the bladder. A few months later I couldn't urinate, I drank coffee thinking it might help increase the pressure. No luck. I called the doc and he said to take a warm bath. No luck. By now I have had to go potty for over two hours and I am a little uncomfortable. Call the doc back and he says go to outpatient. I go and wait in the room for a half hour when a nurse shows up with a foley catheter. He tries three or four times to get it in with no luck. He leaves me there for another half hour. Finally he comes in and says the urologist will be coming in. I wait another hour and finally the doc arrives. Now he is a grumpy old guy who dispises me and I don't like him one bit. Good doc, just a grumpy guy.
A nurse brings in a tray of long metal rods with sharpened points and it ain't looking good. The doc has me laying on the table as he looks over the rods and picks one out. He grabs Herman with one hand and the rod with the other. He proceeds to stick the rod into poor Herman and my butt wanted to jump 2 feet into the air. Now I haven't peed in four or five hours so urine and blood come flying out. He yells at me to quit jumping and to be quiet. He grabs another rod and shoves it in.
After the mayhem he tells me, with a smile on his face, that I had a stricture due to scarring from the first foley. I took some benedryl that afternoon and that is what caused it to close.
He also reminded me that he didn't appreciate being called in at all hours of the night.
When he left I was covered in blood, sweat, and urine. I will never forget that night and pray it never happens again.

Been there and done that, not again

Be happy ,y sister Charity isn't a doctor, just an IDMT, she has a sick sense of humor, one guy had to get the old finger up the wazoo, just as she was getting read to do it, she pu on hand on his left shoulder, threw a rubber glove filled with sand on his other shoulder than proceeded to start the prostate check. She keeps telling me she wants to be around if I have a heart attack, something about an atropine injection.

When he had you bend over, his hands weren't on your shoulders I hope.

I had a prostrate check last year. A female physician assistant who has seen my wife and I for the last 5 years. She said to me it's that time of the year for your annual check. Do I need to get escort. I said, why are we going to have a party? It took her five minutes to stop laughing.....

I was thinking the same thing a couple years back, so went to a female urologist. The time came and she said "ready?". Before I could get a word out she jammed her fingers (multiple) in up to her elbow. She was obviously trying to get back at men for I can only imagine what... I had a flashback to when I was in college and was studying in the basement of the student union where all the clubs had their offices. I didn't know it at first, but I was sitting by the gay and lesbian union's office. One woman was talking loudly about how all men should have a broomstick shoved up their a$$es to see how it felt...

Ya big Pansy....

A contractor friend of mine just had a hemorroid job that has been a nightmare for him, and because he screwed me over pretty bad on my remodel what I considered karma.

This guy is Swedish and talks with a very heavy Swedish accent, and really humorous syntax, he's funny to listen to the way he says things. He's 6'3" and very lean wiry type, major tattoos, the guy looks like pure unadulterated bad news. To add to that he is bad to the bone, he fought MMA out of Sweden in the 70's before they had any rules and was undefeated for years.

He calls me and says , "Keeeth, I am not going to be able to have fondue tonight, I am at the doctors with blood coming out of my ass hole, I cannot even sit down, I do not know how I will get back home even.

I asked what's going on, he says, Keeeth, what is going on is the most humiliating thing I have ever had happen to me in my life" I'm having a seriously tough time not laughing at the way he's describing his 'roid job. I asked why he says that, he says, "Keeeeth, they told e to pull my pants down around my knees and bend over this table, and then a 22 year old assistant, a girl comes in. I cut in and asked if she was cute, he says no she was very ugleeee but it did not matter, I was bent over this table with tears of humiliation and shame running down my face.

I gotta tell you I was dying. I asked who was doing the work, the girl or the doctor. He says "Keeeeth, I did not care who was doing what, it was the worst experience of my life.

Well the end result (no pun intended) is that thus did not go well, he was in way too much pain and the bands had to come off early, he's taking oxycodone to manage the pain, and five or six weeks later he still has a day off his feet after he takes a crap.

This is a big, incredibly strong and tough guy taken down by an ass hole.

A few years ago when I went to my normal doctor for something he was out for a few months and had a very cute petite asian woman doctor taking his place. I'd been flirting around with her anyway, and when she asked if there was anything else she could help me with, I said "you know, I'm probably due to have some polyps checked and have been sort of putting it off, but I was thinking it wouldn't be nearly as bad if you checked me out". She blushed and told e nice try, Dr Stoller would take care of that when he gets back. I continued to tease her and said she had such small slender nice hands that I really would prefer her to do it.

You gotta try.

She probably thought you were a prevert. That's on the way to becoming a pervert...

Not to be confused with a "dirty old man."

DF

That would be one heck of a long time not knowing about them. I have no personal experience with hernias, although I've thought I might have one a very brief time or two. I always thought they tended to get worse as time went on and hence, hard to ignore.

Regardless, hope it all gets better for you. Oh, and a tip. Next time have the doc check your prostate while they have you under for a colonoscopy. You won't even know it happened, or even if he puts both hands on your shoulders.

I shall now wait with bated breath for your writeup on your colonoscopy adventure.

My urologist is a drop-dead knockout gorgeous female, about 28 years old.

She is really, really hot!


She said I have to stop masturbating.

I asked "Why?"

She said "Because I am trying to examine you!"

<rimshot>

John

Bwahahahahahahah that had me rolling! Very well done!

Yeah,...I had one o'them things cut offa me once,...not the hospital kind,..but the outpatient type.

They had this hydraulic table thing that ya squatted on and it raised ya up and bent you over so that the hemmorrhoid was in the optimum position to be worked on.

So there I am,...all up in the air with my ass poked out for all the world to see,..not a trace of dignity left anywhere,..and I'm thinkin',.. "Maybe I just shoulda prayed about this fer a day er two."

After I'm all up in the air on that azzhole car lift,...this pretty little nurse walks in. Ain't no doubt that they make the pretty little nurse stay outside until they get you ready,...'cause ain't no man gonna let hisself get in that position in front of *any* woman,....

Well,...I'm fairly anxious by then and I'm wonderin', "What's this gonna be like?"

I look back under my arm and the doc is holdin' a syringe with a needle about 2 feet long, and he tells me, "Now you just say anything you want, 'cause we've heard it all".

Naturally, my first thought is "Oh chit!"

Then he stuck the needle in it.

I made a noise like a donkey.

I ain't ever made a noise like a donkey before,...didn't even know I could,..but I learned that day that if a doctor sticks a needle in an inflammed area of my bunghole,..I can indeed make a donkey noise.

You can too.

Believe it.

Also,..after the donkey noise had played out, I couldn't breath. Now,...I don't know what the connection between ya bunghole and your lungs is,...but they is one,...because when somebody sticks a needle in ya bunghole, your lungs just up and shut down. There's no doubt whatsoever that if he had stuck me twice, I woulda suffocated. Just call the bonewagon and the tombstone place,...have 'em inscribe, "Here's Bristoe,...they stuck him twice."

Then he started cutting on it with one o'them hi tech Exacto knives that the doctors use.

Of course, by this time I got no dignity left and don't really give a damn. My left eyeball is out of its socket,...I have brayed like a donkey,..I can't breath, and a pretty young nurse is dabbin' the blood off my bag with a cotton ball and saying', It'll all be over in a minute".

Things get kinda fuzzy after that.

The doc gave me a prescription for pain pills,...I chased 'em down with a half pint,...and have been trying to forget ever since,..to no avail.

All I can say is,..eat fiber.

Man, what a thread!

We have Rob P and Bristoe posting stuff about 'roids so funny that somebody should be selling tickets.

Rick should make this "hemorrhoids thing" sticky!

No, wait, that does not sound right!

John

I can't understand how something so scary can have a person laughing so hard. Hysterical and terribly frightening all at the same time.

Rob,

I am sorry you had to go through this.

This has to be the funniest thread I've read yet!

My business partner just walked into the room and thought I was having a heart attack or something. I couldn't breathe, tears coming down my face and red in the face!

Thanks, guys, for brightening up my day!

Ed

All you can do when you've gone through something like this is laugh about it.

When we get a week or so of sun we are planning on having a bonfire and having friends over for chili.So we had friends of ours laughing to the point we were hurting over this. Kathy was saying she wanted to meet this big tough guy, so we asked Ozzie if he wanted to come over when we had the bonfire and he said it sounded great. So I'm telling Kathy she will have a chance to meet Ozzie and she wanted to know how she was supposed to keep a straight face, I told her don't look at me or it will definitely be all over.

I figure we are going to have to tell it his way which is multitudes funnier with his accent than I can ever tell it. This could have the whole crowd laughing to the point of pain, and I've got some world class funny stuff I can back it up with.

About a week ago I had a sebaceous cyst break open on my right butt cheek. It had been there for years and no body gave it any thought. So i go to the docter with this stuff ozzing out. The doctor was pretty impressed and went and got another doctor to show them, along with 3 nurses, of course one of the nurses was a past tenant that I had evicted 6 months ago. Made for an interesting day.

I have an hour physical scheduled in the 26th. First physical in at least 15 years and a lady doctor to boot. Your story has done much to make me confident!

When the the little girl Doctor asked if my wife and I are sexually active, I said I am but she kinda just lays there. Then she did the finger thang. I think she likes me.

What I live for.

By the way, there was a colonoscopy thread in here somewhere. I mentioned the doctor playing star wars up in my butt!

I remember it all to well! I think I will probably be getting in line for a scope starting and both ends.

Here it is in all it's glory!

https://www.24hourcampfire.com/ubbth...e_doc_ever_hurt_you_so_bad_y#Post4584703


Also a classic.

https://www.24hourcampfire.com/ubbth...unny_hospital_story_Trust_me#Post5371930

I have Barrett's. I am supposed to get mt throat scoped and a biopsy every year. It has been about fifteen years since I have had it done. I have never had the other end checked.

Time to pay the piper.

Man! I thought this was a parody on having to voting for Mitt this fall!

I started getting yearly physicals when I turned 50. Every time I would go in and my blood pressure would be high. I also donate blood on a regular basis of every 2 months at which time my blood pressure is also checked. When I donate blood, my BP is always normal. I started keeping records of my BP and then I showed it to my Doctor the next time I got a physical. This satisfied his concern of my high BP and wrote if off as white coat syndrome. He said however, he was a bit offended because my BP was ok when I gave blood even though I knew I was going to get stuck with a needle, but yet when I came to see him, my blood pressure was high.
I said, "Yea Doc I know. But they don't check my prostate when I give Blood".
He laughed and said, "Well I guess it's true. It's better to give than to receive!"

Ohhh, this all sounds too familiar. I've been battling anal fissures for years. I really don't think most people fully appreciate the full meaning of "pain in the ass". It's such a... personal pain. To those of you without problems... fiber! lots of fiber!! 100% of the recommended daily intake is just a good starting point, I simply call it "breakfast". i had an anoscopy a few years back. When it was over, I asked the Doctor if anyone ever hit him during the exam. I've had the same Doctor for decades, I almost have him trained now, and he just smiled and said "no, but a lot of people seem to think about it".

Scott, make sure they use a different hose for each end.

Many years ago when I was either in my late 20's or early 30's I had to go in to be checked for hemorroids. The doctor decided some trimming was necessary. They draped me over a folding table, then placed a gown over my back end with an opening in the appropriate area. The doctor took a look, then hummed and hawed a bit, at which time he said I'm sure you will not mind my having some student nurses have a look at your "condition".

He then proceeded to allowed a group of young student nurses crowd into the room. As you can imagine I was glad all I could see of the nurses was their ankles as he used a couple of popsicle sticks to open up the cavity and point out my particular condition. There was absolutely no concern about Mr. Happy becoming happy under these circumstances.

I haven't thought about this incident in years but this thread brought it all back. Not sure whether to than you or not.

Jim

BTDT

Since I will be out cold for the throat thing I will make sure I get that one done first. If they use the same hose it will work out better that way.

A friend of mine went through four hours of hemorrhoid surgery with no anesthetic of any kind.

He was not really that tough, just a paraplegic and could feel nothing below his navel.

rob p,

Ya should have contacted Barney Frank before ya went. He likely could have told you how to make it enjoyable.

Bout thirty years ago when I had my roids done they wadded up about six feet of gauze like an accordion and plugged my butt. The day I was to get out the nurse told me I had to take a dump first. I said I had already tried but something was hanging out of me. She said "Give it a good yank and it will come out and you will be fine." So I pulled it out very s-l-o-w-l-y and I almost passed out from the pain. Felt like all my guts were attached. Blood eveywhere. My wife was furious. They are so willing to shove things in there but shy away from taking them out! She found me sweating bullets and hanging onto the rail on the wall.
Then they send me home with Tylenol 3 (which can and was very constipating) and tell me to take stool softners and Metamuccil three times daily. Well, like I said the Tyleniol 3 was extremely constipating (they never warned me) so after thirteen days and no dump I looked like Octo-Mom. Back to the hospital for the biggest ream job in history. (Wasn't it Hippocrates that said "Do no harm" ???) Almost collapsed and blood gushing everywhere. Nurse didn't do a great clean up job either. Got home and crapped long shards of glass for the next two hours and was relieved enough to feel like I was weightless for a while. Worse thing I ever went through.
I was afraid to fart for months and ran to the john in case everything fell out of me.

Qtip
Soli Deo Gloria!