Home Forums Hunting & Shooting Hunter's Campfire Almost as much fun as getting hemorrhoids fixed.

Yeah,...I had one o'them things cut offa me once,...not the hospital kind,..but the outpatient type.

They had this hydraulic table thing that ya squatted on and it raised ya up and bent you over so that the hemmorrhoid was in the optimum position to be worked on.

So there I am,...all up in the air with my ass poked out for all the world to see,..not a trace of dignity left anywhere,..and I'm thinkin',.. "Maybe I just shoulda prayed about this fer a day er two."

After I'm all up in the air on that azzhole car lift,...this pretty little nurse walks in. Ain't no doubt that they make the pretty little nurse stay outside until they get you ready,...'cause ain't no man gonna let hisself get in that position in front of *any* woman,....

Well,...I'm fairly anxious by then and I'm wonderin', "What's this gonna be like?"

I look back under my arm and the doc is holdin' a syring with a needle about 2 feet long, and he tells me, "Now you just say anything you want, 'cause we've heard it all".

Naturally, my first thought is "Oh chit!"

Then he stuck the needle in it.

I made a noise like a donkey.

I ain't ever make a noise like a donkey before,...didn't even know I could,..but I learned that day that if a doctor sticks a needle in an inflammed area of my bunghole,..I can indeed make a donkey noise.

You can too.

Believe it.

Also,..after the donkey noise had played out, I couldn't breath. Now,...I don't know what the connection between ya bunghole and your lungs is,...but they is one,...because when somebody sticks a needle in ya bunghole, your lungs up and shut down. There's no doubt whatsoever that if he had stuck me twice, I woulda suffocated. Just call the bonewagon and the tombstone place,...have 'em inscribe, "Here's Bristoe,...they stuck him twice."

Then he started cutting on it with one o'them hi tech Exacto knives that the doctors use.

Of course, by this time I got no dignity left and don't really give a damn. My left eyeball is out of its socket,...I have brayed like a donkey,..I can't breath, and a pretty young nurse is dabbin' the blood off my bag with a cotton ball and saying', It'll all be over in a minute".

Things get kinda fuzzy after that.

The doc gave me a prescription for pain pills,...I chased 'em down with a half pint,...and have been trying to forget ever since,..to no avail.

All I can say is,..eat fiber.

Female doctors probably have smaller fingers, too. I've never asked for that option but it's probably worth considering.

Scott, make sure they use a different hose for each end.

Many years ago when I was either in my late 20's or early 30's I had to go in to be checked for hemorroids. The doctor decided some trimming was necessary. They draped me over a folding table, then placed a gown over my back end with an opening in the appropriate area. The doctor took a look, then hummed and hawed a bit, at which time he said I'm sure you will not mind my having some student nurses have a look at your "condition".

He then proceeded to allowed a group of young student nurses crowd into the room. As you can imagine I was glad all I could see of the nurses was their ankles as he used a couple of popsicle sticks to open up the cavity and point out my particular condition. There was absolutely no concern about Mr. Happy becoming happy under these circumstances.

I haven't thought about this incident in years but this thread brought it all back. Not sure whether to than you or not.

Jim