Home Forums Hunting & Shooting Hunter's Campfire Almost as much fun as getting hemorrhoids fixed.

Two weeks ago at my last physical, I made the mistake of screaming when my doctor checked my prostate. I told him that he will make a note on my chart that he is to never, ever check my prostate again! He said in conjunction with the fact that I've been complaining of groin pain, I might want to see a urologist. If you've never been, here's how your trip might go.

I took a nice visit to North Providence (the ghetto) and found my doctor's office building. It had a "For Sale" sign on the door. Across the street was the standard strip mall with pawn shop, liquor store, and Boy Scout Supply (?). There were about a dozen people waiting outside for the pawn shop to open. To fence what they stole last night so they could go next door and buy a fifth of something and a red beret, I imagine. I sprinted from the garage to the elevator and then into his office.

His lovely young secretary checked me in and gave me 6 pages of forms to fill out. She took me into an examination room and asked me another 20 questions. Personal ones, so they could ascertain my medical history, sex life, and orientation... At this point, I suspect STD's are a pretty big part of his business. I had a flash back to a girlfriend in college who was a nursing major. She dragged me down to health services to get checked for HIV before she'd let me touch her. I had a to answer a similar questionnaire before they drew my blood back then too. I'll never forget how humiliating that was. When you get to the point when they're asking if you've ever had gay unprotected sex with sheep, you're pretty much hit the rock bottom of self examination. You know they're asking that question because someone's done it! I held that against her right up until the day she dumped me! Well now, the nurse gives me 2 jars and tells me to step in the rest room and fill them. Then she says strip from the waist down and lie on the little table and wait for the doctor. Yup. No problem. The table is 4' long and I'm 6'3. Swell.

There's a certain indignity to stripping from the waist down and lying on a table. I'm actually sitting up on the table because I'm a couple feet too long for it. I'm there and thinking I should probably cross my legs. Modesty right! Now I have something resembling a tennis ball in a Crown Royal bag popping out. Perhaps due to my size, I haven't seen them in a while and it was kind of a strange moment being reunited. Now, of course, the young secretary walks back in, looks at me, smiles, and picks up my specimens. She smiles again, walks out, and I figure I've got nothing to be ashamed of now. Whatever the doc does to me, it doesn't matter.

Eventually the doctor walks in and tells me to stand up and stretch. Lean left, right, forward, back. Touch my toes... Any pain? Nope. I'm thinking I sure hope he does this with everybody and that I'm not fulfilling some Richard Simmons fantasy of his or anything!

Now he tells me to lie down and he's going to check me for a hernia. He pushes his hand up a good 4" into my groin and says I've got a hernia. He checks the other side and says I've got two! Not big enough to operate on, but there, none the less. Then he pokes my guts and asks if anything hurts. Nope. I figure I'm done. Nah. I heard the familiar pffttt of someone squeezing something out of a tube and the the words "stand up and bend over."

He jammed a finger in a place I just had hemorrhoids fixed last year and I started yelling at him. He says "my finger is only in your rectum." He wiggled his finger and said "I haven't even touched your prostate yet." I said through my clenched teeth, "stop wiggling your damn finger and get on with it." I'm on my tiptoes shaking like a small dog trying to poop a pine cone as he tries to evaluate my prostate with a fingertip. The whole time, I'm looking around the room for a sharp object or something heavy to bludgeon this guy with if he doesn't get his finger out of me in the next 2 seconds. There are no potential weapons in the room, and I'm sure it's on purpose they don't leave anything around. They must teach that in both medical and dental schools! He finishes and says to clean myself off and meet him in his office.

I'm sitting there and he tells me the prostate seems good. I have matching congenital cysts on my nuts and two hernias. Then, he says "I don't think the pain is from any of these things." Why do they tell you they've found stuff that has no bearing on your condition. Just to make you lose sleep thinking about it?

Now he is looking at my blood work I brought with me and he asks about the pain. I said I have been in a lot of pain, groin and knees mostly. I went on vacation and forgot to bring my Crestor pills. After a couple days, the pain went away. In two years of taking the darn pills, my knees have been killing me the last one. I told my doctor and he took me off the pills. The stuff was causing inflammation. The doc said it might be causing my groin pain as well. Now that I'm off the statins, maybe everything will get better.

After a pause and a sigh, he looks up at me again and asks about my sex life. I said I had a girlfriend (oh yeah, I laid down the straight card as early in the conversation as I could). He asked if we were sexually active. I said "not really." Certainly not lately. The girl has 3 kids, 2 jobs, and doesn't really like me that much to begin with! He asked if I had sex on my vacation. I looked at him and said No. He stared at me. "I went deer hunting" I said. He said "are you sure." I said I was sure. I'm not attracted to either my hunting buddies or deer!

He said it's probably muscular. I have trouble taking Advil, but he wants me to take 2 baby Advil a day and rest. I'm to go and see him again in 4 weeks and he mentioned possibly getting a cat scan if I don't feel better. I thanked the doc and drove myself home. I worked at my rod and gun club's game dinner for about 6 hours and home. I was fine the next day. The following day, I could barely walk. I think doctors push on spots they know are going to hurt later and just don't tell you. I've been sore over a week now. It better heal up by my second visit or I'm going to have a choice word or two with the doc about it.

It seem like another milestone along the path of life. Adding another kind of doctor to the list of people who get to hurt you in some awful undignified way. Well, I consoled myself by trying to find the humor in it all, as usual... and by going out and buying a nice Enfield rifle I've had my eye on.

Dude you are always funny as chit...have a way with words.

I have seen 1 DR in 10 yrs...now I have 20 batteries of tests and 3 medications...reminds me why I don't go to the DR.

There's another thread up where "Digital Dan" said he read the whole thing without laughing. I felt inspired. I'm pretty confident if he finds this, he ain't getting through it without a chuckle!

WAY TO GO dude but but prostrate biopsies are a whole lot more fun























NOT

NORM

Dang. While that was funny to read, I don't envy you. Two hernias and hemorrhoids ... talk about some bad juju. Get well fella. What do you think caused the hernias?

Rob, very humorous and I can relate, as I just had my annual physical last week and got the "finger check" as part of the standard procedure.

I hate going through that process but I figure it beats finding out too late that you've got prostate problems.

The doc told me that I've probably had the hernias for a while. The pain hasn't been enough to force me to treatment. I haven't been able to sit on a bicycle seat since I was a teenager, and if that has something to do with why, it's been a long time.
I'm not in the best of shape but I have done landscaping since I was a kid and have worn myself out a little.

Had the roid surgery years ago and it felt like someone put a grenade in my butt and pulled the pin.

Don't worry bout the finger checking you out. Uncle Sam gets in a lot deeper and never pulls out. Ain't no surgery that has been found to fix that and under the BamBam they go in way deeper.

Qtip
Soli Deo Gloria!

"shaking like a small dog trying to poop a pine cone" classic

Back from changin' me sharts. ROTF and all that. Story well told.

My previous employer had a flight surgeon that administered an annual physical which included a finger wave. I always asked him to take off his class ring first...

Class ring hell, my doc left his watch in me once. I had to go through therapy to get past the feeling of being violated.

Damn! 'Nuther pair of sharts!

At least nobody's asking for a second opinion...

My father had hemorrhoids operated on and said he did not know which was worse, the operation or the hemorrhoids( which he referred to as the "Grapes of Wrath")

Thanks for the posting. As usual, a great read.

Steve

My brother is a big dude - 6'-7" and 270-ish. He's got massive square hands that look like they could peel armor and probably can. Brother had a prostrate check and when that was done and the exam over he shook hands with the doctor on the way out the door. The doctor commented, "Wow, it's not often I meet someone with bigger hands than me."

Brother replied, "Have you considered a different line of work?"

damn Rob, that is a LOT of 'too much personal info'. Geez.

My Brother had a physical a couple weeks ago and said that he had to find a doctor with smaller hands. With all the advances in medicine, they can't come up with something better than a finger up your butt! I think they do it to humiliate you. Just like when they have you sit in their waiting room for a half hour and then they put you in an exam room where they make you weight another half hour. Your usually in a Johnny and it's freezing cold. They come in and see you for two minutes and say goodbye with a finger in the kazoo.

...."Rectum, damn near killed em"!

The oriental doctors generally have smaller fingers.

Uh, Rob, you know they don't do digital rectal exams anymore, don't you?




Just kidding. Sorry about the molestation. That was a funny read.