Crock pot. Using the roast as your guide, fill with water half-3/4 way to the top of the roast. Two beef bouillon cubes. Quartered onion. Pack of Liptons French Onion soup.
Put it on low when you leave. Eat 8 hours later. If it's not as tender as you want it, leave it on low longer.
If you want the absolute best motharfugking pot roast in the world, remove the pot roast from the broth when you're done and make a beef gravy. Serve with fried eggs for breakfast.
Try to resist the urge to jam your dick into it. It's that good.