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Joined: Aug 2021
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Campfire Regular
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OP
Campfire Regular
Joined: Aug 2021
Posts: 1,901 Likes: 1 |
My mom got married again a couple years ago. My father is still alive, but I might have spoken to him twice for a couple minuets in the last 4 years. He was an adulterer all my life, never physically abusive but very mentally abusive and never had time for his kids. I don't hate him, but I realized a long time ago that he always had a plan to use me in some way if I ever had any contact with him.
Anyway, Mom's new husband keeps giving me nice stuff, knives, hunting equipment, and just being nice in general. I don't really know how to deal with it. I'm always looking for his angle, and it pisses me off to think that way when he has been nothing but nice. I'm not in the same boat as you, but I sorta semi understand what you mean. I grew up in an awesome nuclear family. Mom was stay at home and looked after me and my brother, dad spent 22 years in the military. Us kids were raised to work hard, and help deserving folks where we could. My pseudo father and mother in law have a similar upbringing. Both came from a normal nuclear family, but the pseudo father in law came from a ROUGH (read that to mean VERY VERY BAD circumstances) place in his home state. He worked to obtain the status he has now a well renowned neurosurgeon. He and his wife are wonderful people. They are very outgoing and loving, and gift us unprompted at times. I don't know what to do with that. I'm grateful, but I feel like I'm undeserving because I didn't work for it. I've never had a handout, and the things they do for us feel like handouts. It's a weird feeling, and I feel like I am ungrateful because I didn't earn what they sometimes do for us. It makes them happy to do things for and with us, but knowing that, it is still a strange thing to me. Probably not a great comfort to you, but that's all I've got. In the spirit of the Fire, GFY and know that you aren't alone. That's real close to how I feel about it. I mean I like the guy and I'm always nice, but when he just pulls out a new Case knife or something and tells me it's mine, it's a strange feeling, not really knowing him very well. I want to be grateful, but I keep looking for the catch and it's that feeling that I don't like. I mean I don't feel that way when my kids or wife does something for me. I can rationalize that the way my own father treated me as a kid has made me suspicious, but I would have never before said I was a suspicious or untrusting person.
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Joined: Jan 2010
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Campfire Outfitter
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Campfire Outfitter
Joined: Jan 2010
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Maybe you're like the kid he never had and is making up for lost time, if it makes him happy just roll with it.
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Joined: Jul 2012
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Campfire Regular
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Campfire Regular
Joined: Jul 2012
Posts: 726 |
You are coming across as a bum.
You sound like the grand kids, never a thank you for the shotguns, ammunition, knives, axes, hunting equipment. However they never give them back.
Just changed our will to have all my gun sold. Ammunition to go with the guns. A few of the grand kids, were wanting to know why they would not be getting any. I just let them know that the buyers would like them and take care of them.
My nieces and nephews were a better fit for the rifles that i gave them while they were growing up.
It sounds like it you did not earn it you do not appreciate it or take care of it.
"Sorry don't get it done, Dude" John Wayne 1959
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Joined: Oct 2011
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Campfire Kahuna
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Campfire Kahuna
Joined: Oct 2011
Posts: 59,157 Likes: 24 |
Lots of older people love giving stuff away, particularly when they think the recipient will enjoy it. I'm just not used to it. My own dad never gave me anything that he didn't sell later without even telling me. I knew growing up that my stuff was really his. The new dad is actually texting me pictures of deer and guns he just bought. It just feels weird to suddenly have a dad at 54 years old. It bothers me to find out how fugged up my childhood really was. Fuqk the old man, he can piss off and die. don't compare the new guy to him, put that aside and embrace a new friendship.
Paul
"I'd rather see a sermon than hear a sermon".... D.A.D.
Trump Won!, Sandmann Won!, Rittenhouse Won!, Suck it Liberal Fuuktards.
molɔ̀ːn labé skýla
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Joined: May 2009
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Campfire Tracker
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Campfire Tracker
Joined: May 2009
Posts: 5,628 |
Lots of older people love giving stuff away, particularly when they think the recipient will enjoy it. I'm just not used to it. My own dad never gave me anything that he didn't sell later without even telling me. I knew growing up that my stuff was really his. The new dad is actually texting me pictures of deer and guns he just bought. It just feels weird to suddenly have a dad at 54 years old. It bothers me to find out how fugged up my childhood really was. Fuqk the old man, he can piss off and die. don't compare the new guy to him, put that aside and embrace a new friendship. This.
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Joined: Mar 2020
Posts: 2,691
Campfire Regular
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Campfire Regular
Joined: Mar 2020
Posts: 2,691 |
You are coming across as a bum.
You sound like the grand kids, never a thank you for the shotguns, ammunition, knives, axes, hunting equipment. However they never give them back.
Just changed our will to have all my gun sold. Ammunition to go with the guns. A few of the grand kids, were wanting to know why they would not be getting any. I just let them know that the buyers would like them and take care of them.
My nieces and nephews were a better fit for the rifles that i gave them while they were growing up.
It sounds like it you did not earn it you do not appreciate it or take care of it. I'd guess there's more at play for your family than just a bunch of no thank you's and entitlement from the grandkids. If RH Clark is anything like me, he happily does work for free for his deserving family, without question, and does so with a full and unexpecting heart. And does so because it is the right thing to do. And when something is given, thanks is always given. If that is indeed the case, I fail to see how he would sound like a bum. If receiving a gift from someone and giving thanks, but internally not feeling like you earned said gift makes you a bum, then the parameters of what makes one a bum need be chances. I can only speak for myself and not RH Clark, that is just my opinion.
Last edited by Verylargeboots; 01/22/23.
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Joined: Feb 2010
Posts: 15,734 Likes: 3
Campfire Ranger
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Campfire Ranger
Joined: Feb 2010
Posts: 15,734 Likes: 3 |
Benefit of the doubt until or unless he shows a different side…
NRA Life,Endowment,Patron or Benefactor since '72.
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Joined: Mar 2008
Posts: 15,647
Campfire Ranger
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Campfire Ranger
Joined: Mar 2008
Posts: 15,647 |
Maybe you're like the kid he never had and is making up for lost time, if it makes him happy just roll with it. IMO, this is a real insight. We all crave those relationships. Don't let old poison ruin a a new opportunity.
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Joined: Jun 2020
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Campfire Outfitter
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Campfire Outfitter
Joined: Jun 2020
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My old man died 2016 him and moms parted ways when I was 17 he was still my dad I miss him every day I’m sorry for your loss. My parents divorced when I was three. My dad was a POS and so was my stepdad. Between the two of them my mom dated a great guy that went out of his way to spend time with me and make me feel included. It had a lasting impact on my life and I’ve done same for my step kids. That’s the perspective that I was looking at it from.
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Joined: Feb 2013
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Campfire Tracker
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Campfire Tracker
Joined: Feb 2013
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Family dirt should stay in the family.......not aired here.....or so I've read somewhere......
Heartwarming family good news.....bring it on...
Sorry you and your dad didn't have a better relationship but it will never be any of my business
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Joined: Jul 2007
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Campfire Ranger
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Campfire Ranger
Joined: Jul 2007
Posts: 24,652 Likes: 1 |
Get to know your real dad and fugk the fake one you only live once Wow - that’s terrible advice. RH; perhaps your guard is up due to your childhood experience. But there are wonderful people in the world and it seems like you’re due to have a positive relationship with mom’s new husband.
WWP53D
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Joined: Jan 2002
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Campfire Outfitter
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Campfire Outfitter
Joined: Jan 2002
Posts: 12,879 Likes: 5 |
For some people, giving gifts is the way they express themselves. It can be “thank you”, it can be “forgive me”, it can be “please don’t hate me”. It would be worth finding out what he’s trying to tell you with these gifts, and it would be meaningful for your mom’s husband to learn what the gifts mean to you.
I have a family member who remarried a fine lady whose own kids treat her like dirt and she tries to buy their affection (and prevent outright hostilities) by giving them things. When she first got to know us and we gave HER gifts, tears flowed. Gifts can be perfunctory, or they can hugely meaningful, depending on the family culture.
Sic Semper Tyrannis
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Joined: Feb 2001
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My dad died when I was 40. Mom remarried when I was 45. He is a super nice guy and the best thing that could happen for mom. However, I have never considered him my dad. I had 1 dad and he died. I consider him my mom's husband. I have never referred him even as my stepdad. We do however get along great.
3825 24336
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Campfire Outfitter
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Campfire Outfitter
Joined: Jul 2007
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Open up and enjoy it. He wants you to. If you love and trust your mother, then trust her decisions. Can't fault him for your father's sins. Maybe sit down and tell him what you feel and why you're apprehensive when it comes to him. It'll air it all out and bring you closer no doubt. I guarantee he picks up on it and without explanation he's left to guess. If you know he's a good guy then you have nothing to worry about. You'll wish you had done it years ago Lots of older people love giving stuff away, particularly when they think the recipient will enjoy it. I'm just not used to it. My own dad never gave me anything that he didn't sell later without even telling me. I knew growing up that my stuff was really his. The new dad is actually texting me pictures of deer and guns he just bought. It just feels weird to suddenly have a dad at 54 years old. It bothers me to find out how fugged up my childhood really was. To be truthful, it sounds like more than your childhood is fugged up. You’re both men. He’s not your new dad. He’s your mom’s new husband. How hard it it to just be nice? You’ve got no reason not to be. Who doesn’t have room for another friend? Edited to add: If the relationship falls apart because one of you is a jerk, make sure it’s not you. 😳 RHClark, dude, you've already been given some very valuable advice, not much I can add. I think it may be valuable for you to see a counsellor or pastor and work through your feelings about your dad and your mother's husband. Put in the work with the counsellor and your relationship with your mother's husband can only get better. Don't be afraid to enjoy a new relationship.
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Joined: Jun 2006
Posts: 46,114 Likes: 6
Campfire 'Bwana
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Campfire 'Bwana
Joined: Jun 2006
Posts: 46,114 Likes: 6 |
Lots of older people love giving stuff away, particularly when they think the recipient will enjoy it. Speaking of that, you ain't no spring chicken and I've been admiring that 16 gauge double barrel. . .
A wise man is frequently humbled.
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Campfire 'Bwana
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Campfire 'Bwana
Joined: Jan 2010
Posts: 32,130 Likes: 1 |
Lots of older people love giving stuff away, particularly when they think the recipient will enjoy it. Speaking of that, you ain't no spring chicken and I've been admiring that 16 gauge double barrel. . . You're the second person today to insinuate that I'm old.
If you put Taco Bell sauce in your ramen noodles it tastes just like poverty
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Joined: Feb 2013
Posts: 21,860 Likes: 10
Campfire Ranger
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Campfire Ranger
Joined: Feb 2013
Posts: 21,860 Likes: 10 |
When I remarried 15 years ago I had no idea how to accept a woman that gave me things... helped with money/bills/vacations... and offered kindness and gratitude.
It was foreign as hell to me... every woman I had ever known was a taker... I just assumed it was all women... a DNA kinda thing.
Give and take is learned... at least for me.
If you are not actively engaging EVERY enemy you encounter... you are allowing another to fight for you... and that is cowardice... plain and simple.
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Joined: Aug 2007
Posts: 115,424 Likes: 13
Campfire Sage
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Campfire Sage
Joined: Aug 2007
Posts: 115,424 Likes: 13 |
Well, he’s banging your mom so maybe he thinks the least he could do is give you some new toys.
Don’t read into it so much.
Trump being classless,tasteless and clueless as usual. Sorry, trump is a no tax payin pile of shiit. My young wife decided to play the field and had moved several dudes into my house
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Joined: Sep 2014
Posts: 21,864 Likes: 5
Campfire Ranger
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Campfire Ranger
Joined: Sep 2014
Posts: 21,864 Likes: 5 |
My mom got married again a couple years ago. My father is still alive, but I might have spoken to him twice for a couple minuets in the last 4 years. He was an adulterer all my life, never physically abusive but very mentally abusive and never had time for his kids. I don't hate him, but I realized a long time ago that he always had a plan to use me in some way if I ever had any contact with him.
Anyway, Mom's new husband keeps giving me nice stuff, knives, hunting equipment, and just being nice in general. I don't really know how to deal with it. I'm always looking for his angle, and it pisses me off to think that way when he has been nothing but nice. I'm not in the same boat as you, but I sorta semi understand what you mean. I grew up in an awesome nuclear family. Mom was stay at home and looked after me and my brother, dad spent 22 years in the military. Us kids were raised to work hard, and help deserving folks where we could. My pseudo father and mother in law have a similar upbringing. Both came from a normal nuclear family, but the pseudo father in law came from a ROUGH (read that to mean VERY VERY BAD circumstances) place in his home state. He worked to obtain the status he has now a well renowned neurosurgeon. He and his wife are wonderful people. They are very outgoing and loving, and gift us unprompted at times. I don't know what to do with that. I'm grateful, but I feel like I'm undeserving because I didn't work for it. I've never had a handout, and the things they do for us feel like handouts. It's a weird feeling, and I feel like I am ungrateful because I didn't earn what they sometimes do for us. It makes them happy to do things for and with us, but knowing that, it is still a strange thing to me. Probably not a great comfort to you, but that's all I've got. In the spirit of the Fire, GFY and know that you aren't alone. That's real close to how I feel about it. I mean I like the guy and I'm always nice, but when he just pulls out a new Case knife or something and tells me it's mine, it's a strange feeling, not really knowing him very well. I want to be grateful, but I keep looking for the catch and it's that feeling that I don't like. I mean I don't feel that way when my kids or wife does something for me. I can rationalize that the way my own father treated me as a kid has made me suspicious, but I would have never before said I was a suspicious or untrusting person. It's understandable. I have a hard time accepting stuff. It's just weird to have someone just give you nice items. Never ask for stuff, always did without until it could be acquired personally. Very awkward if someone just hands you something.
Parents who say they have good kids..Usually don't!
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Campfire Outfitter
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Campfire Outfitter
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Can't fault him for your father's sins. Maybe sit down and tell him what you feel and why you're apprehensive when it comes to him. It'll air it all out and bring you closer no doubt. I guarantee he picks up on it and without explanation he's left to guess. If you know he's a good guy then you have nothing to worry about. You'll wish you had done it years ago This! No reason to have an elephant in the room.
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