Home Forums Hunting & Shooting Hunter's Campfire The art of insults

I hate to see things wasted. The air that you breathe for example.

Well.....bless....your.....heart......

When I worked in the solder factory, they put me out on the floor to cross-train in the casting area. I was 6'4". My supervisor was about 4'0" One day, I came on shift and the guy who'd just gone home had assed up things, and I was sent to fix it. I was down on the floor, rearranging 20 lb billets when the super came out and started reaming me.

About halfway through the abuse, I got off the floor where I was feeling cramped and stood up to my full height. The super suddenly changed his tune.

"You're probably thinking right now that I should not be reaming you for someone else's F---up." he said.

I just looked at him.

"You're probably sizing me up right about now, figuring how you're going to pound me into the concrete if I don't shut up."

I just kept looking at him. I was too busy stretching my bones. I hurt.

"I should prolly just shut the f--- up and let you get back to work."

"Have a good one, Boss. " I said, as he left.

I'd pretty well forgotten that scene. I'd gotten to really like the guy, and we'd been quite friendly. He knew I was the only one in IT that cared about Casting, and he knew he could always rely on me to do right for his guys. About 5 years later, we were in the Plant Manager's office. We'd both come to see his secretary.

All of a sudden, the super brought up that scene from 5 years back, with the secretary watching. You could tell the incident had been eating on him all this time.

"You know," he said. "I could have taken you that day."

"I have no doubt," I replied.

"No, I really mean it," he said. "You ask anyone. I could have taken you."

"I'm sure of it," I said. "I know exactly what you mean."

"How's that?"

"My dad's brother came out of the Army Air Corp as a heavyweight boxing champion after WWII. He wanted to stop fighting, but he was always getting picked on by guys who had something to prove. One night a midget challenged Uncle Henry to a fight, and Henry tried to laugh him off. That midget jumped up and grabbed Henry by the shirt collar and hoisted himself up and beat Henry to a bloody pulp. My family has had great respect for folks like that ever since."

My old supervisor turned red and his veins popped, and he stormed out of the secretary's office, slamming the door as he went.

"I think I just took him," I said to the secretary. She agreed.

"That woman is so ugly that screwing her would be like shooting pool with a piece of overcooked spaghetti!"

Tag

Remember that even overcooked spaghetti will dry out and get stiff again...usually about closing time.

He was the type of fella that sat on the front pew of the church when his mamma and daddy got married.

My friend and fellow principal used this phrase to describe a student that we both had dealings with. Yeah, I know you’re not supposed to end a sentence with a preposition. We were in mixed company, a female attendance officer and female guidance counselor. It went right over their heads and neither caught on.

I just remembered this one from my freshman year in college. A goofball popped up with what he thought was a witty comment about his conception. He said his father pulled out and shot a load onto the wall, but he ricocheted off the wall and hit a bullseye. A guy with a quick wit said the best part stuck to the wall.

I haven't read through all of this thread, but one of my Winston Churchill favorites:

"You can always count on the Americans to do the right thing. After they've exhausted all the other options."

He was so spot-on with that assessment.

I've seen monkey schit fights at the zoo better organized than this! Jack Warden "The Replacements"

You Sir, " have no love affair of the truth"

You really are bent on testing my ability to see the best in people.

i am busier than a jumper cable in the parking lot of a mexican wedding. ( california insult )

I can explain to you, but I can't understand it for you.

"He ain't got a noddin' acquaintance with the truth, let alone a speakin' one!"

One from work - "3 million sperm cells and YOU were the winner? "

A father I knew was examining his son's wrecked pick-up at the mechanic shop

"Sometimes I think the best part of him ran down his mother's leg"

“Egotist, n. A person of low taste, more interested in himself than in me.”
― Ambrose Bierce, The Unabridged Devil's Dictionary

The Twain speaks...

...he wasn't a very heavy weight, intellectually. His head was an hour-glass; it could stow an idea, but it had to do it a grain at a time, not the whole idea at once.
- A Connecticut Yankee in King Arthur's Court

Endowed with a stupidity which by the least little stretch would go around the globe four times and tie.
- Mark Twain in Eruption

I do not believe I could learn to like her except on a raft at sea with no other provisions in sight. (regarding Lilian Aldrich)
- Mark Twain in Eruption