Home Forums Hunting & Shooting Hunter's Campfire A delicate topic, "baboon ass"

I don't want to leave you Gents with the impression that all Dad did on hunting trips was take dumps...true as it is.

Dad once carefully explained to me how to wipe oneself with a dollar bill. A skill required, no doubt, by all the pockets of his hunting clothes being ripped out and used long ago.

You take a dollar bill and carefully rip a finger-sized circle in the center. Set the small round piece aside. Insert your finger through the hole and wipe vigorously. Clean up by sliding the dollar bill skillfully over your finger with a twisting motion.

The small round piece is for under your fingernail...

As I kept scrolling down I kept my eyes squinted so that I could quickly shut them if I saw Pointer posting. After his blister picture he keeps bringing up I was really worried what was coming up.

must have been about 99 we were heading back from elk camp on interstate. We had stopped in Nebraska to stay the night.

We had 4 guys, 2 trucks.

Well, leave it to us to stumble across this place in Nebraska that turned out to be some sort of flaming gay depot. Yeah, it was. The clerk was as over the top flaming homo as they get. What ever, we don't care, we just want a couple of rooms so we can get some rest.

So, we get our room keys & find our rooms. My uncle says he wants to head down to the bar to get a whisky, sounded good to me so I joined him. Down at the bar we meet this bartender that's built like an ox & looks exactly like the bluto cartoon character on the popeye cartoons. So we call him Bluto, he don't seem to mind. Well we're sitting there talking elk hunting with ole Bluto, he's havin a great time, my dad & his buddy come down to the bar & join us. We're sitting there drinkin at the bar & havin a great time & I get up to go to the bathroom. I walk into the mens room where there are 2 urinals with a divider between them. I'm standing there relieving myself when this goofy wiggly retard walks up to the urinal next to me & asks me if I want to "race". I aint never had that happen to me before....

I pretend that didn't just happen & I quickly walk out of the bathroom. Once out I take a well focused scan of the inside of the bar.... no chicks. There aint no chicks in the whole place... wtf?

then i look a little closer... these dudes really seem to like each other....

I walk up to the bar, sit down by my old man & say "dad, we're in a gay bar."

"what? no way" I said look around.... the guy in the bathroom just asked me if I wanted to race peeing! It's a damn gay bar dad!!

Dad says "hey Bluto, come here.... hey, is this place... you know..?"

Bluto hangs his head in shame.... "yeah... G'damn it, I don't know how it happened or where they all came from.... it just sort of happened ya know? It wasn't always like this you know... used to get hunters & regular salesman in here all the time. Now the damn place fills up every night with this, hell fellas, I'm sorry, I shoulda told ya but I just don't get nobody to talk to in here no more."

We all laughed our ass off & sat there for a while trading stories with poor ole Bluto, then we got out of there & got some sleep.

Next morning we left in a hurry to get on the road. I admittedly was still in pretty rough shape from the previous night of drinking. We were following behind my dad's buddy & my uncle in the other truck heading down the interstate. I'm riding shotgun with the old man at the wheel. I says: "hey dad, we should moon those guys."

Dad says "wadaya mean?" Wadaya think I mean? You drive past em & lay on the horn & I'll hang my ass out the window.

Dad could not contain his enthusiasm about this stunt we were about to pull. his eyes were full of tears & he just shook behind the wheel. red faced, belly bouncing up & down, hunched over that steering wheel chuckling uncontrollably.

He says "you ready?"

"yeah, yeah I'm ready. This is gonna be tricky, try to get close but don't scrub my ass across there side window. I don't wanna bust the side view mirror off or anything."

Dad romps on the gas & from 1/4 mile behind our target we begin our run. We've got a good 30mph on the other truck, gaining fast. Once we get within 1/8 mile behind the other truck the power window on that black GMC half ton went down.

"deploy the cheeks!"

"deploy the cheeks eye-eye sir!"

"cheeks deployed! Full speed ahead! Sound the horn!!"

it was perfect.

We flew by them doing about 85MPH with the horn blowing, passed them on the left displaying a 2 hand spread Colorado elk hunters red eye.... (wink-wink)

and from that moment forward, they were never the same.

Me & the old man laughed uncontrollably for the next 200 miles where we stopped for gas.

Those guys wouldn't talk to us.

So we got back in the truck & laughed for another 200 miles!!

Just rolling on the floor here

Then get to this :

"Hold my beer & watch this."

and :

"cheeks deployed! Full speed ahead! Sound the horn!!"

it was perfect.

We flew by them doing about 85MPH with the horn blowing, passed them on the left displaying a 2 hand spread Colorado elk hunters red eye....

Pantyhose on horses or mules reminds me of the story years ago of the City of Portland, Oregon making Loggers put diapers on horses at their horse logging operation inside Portland's Watershed.

How about:

http://www.buttpaste.com/BLButtPaste.php

http://butt-balm.com/

Be safe and rash free

Patty

I can't handle this anymore. the tears are uncontrolable...

atleast he didn't ask you to play swords

that damn place. we all get uneasy when we pass through that little nebraska town.

1. Baby Wipes - as needed.

2. Bacitracin ointment - if needed.

3. Desitin - it keeps babies happy!

Best to ya..........





Smooth-ass Mike

Oh man, two Minnesota boys sharing arse jokes. how about a third?

So my cousin Shane and I are gonna sneak up on some ducks in ND. As we round a hill, we notice another pond full of ducks, so we hunker down to palaver. Squatting there, talking about what to do, he says "hold this". I casually look over to find him with his pants around his ankles, his t-shirt off and he wants me to hold his sleeve while he cuts it off. What the ?!?!

The next year in Canada, I got even. We were fishing in this little bay with 3 other boats. It is all bog so we really cant get to shore and Shane says he needs a "Brown's Landing". So he hangs off the back of the boat. Remembering the ND fiasco, and being that I am running the trolling motor up front, I simply turn the boat so the back is facing the other 3 boats. Unexpected benefit: the other 3 boats quickly bailed out of the bay leaving it to us!

couple new ones for the list, thanks.

who knew nebraska go so jiggy wit it.

"Welcome to Nebraska...Where corn growers and corn holers all live in happiness"

About 25 years ago I was running sleeper team with this guy I couldn't stand on the Seattle/Denver Fish Run and we stopped at this Mexican Joint on I-80 in Wyoming near the Flaming Gorge Exit and had some real good green chili. When we left the pace it was his turn to drive so I climbed up into the sleeper of tthat ole Mack to get a little shut eye. About a half hour later I got this terrible gas attack and just couldn't hold onto any longer so I cut one loose, now this was no ordinary gas attack , it was really bad as it peeled the varnish off the leather on the walls in that sleeper. The next thing I knew I could hear a strange noise up in the cab of that ole Mack, the sound was Pssssst Pssst Psst, so I looked up front and there was my Co-driver with all the windows rolled down and he had his little can of Pinesol Deoderant spraying the cab down trying to cut the aroma of that thig, but it had a life of it's own as it fought back. It smelled like soneone had $hit a Chrismas Tree in there.

For some reason I don't know why, but that was my one and only trip with that driver, not that it hurt my feeling any.

Great story Dave, but it had to be Wyoming or Iowa. We kicked all the [bleep] out in '97.

Mike

yes, the cornholer line has become sort of an inside joke. .... no pun intended....

ick.

so, anyways...

we got the gold bond, some kind of monkey powder, butt paste, creams, spandex, under armor... all kinds of good tips.

Thanks guys.

I hope i don't need any of it!!

well, it was pretty dang close to the Iowa border.... they could have been sneaking in across the state line I suppose

Thanks for the morning chuckle.

Best advice is use baby wipes to keep the baboon at bay.

Barring that, desitin seems to work wonders.

A travel pack of handi wipes in the hunting pack helps too!

When I first saw the thread, this is what I thought you were looking for



maddog

So that's who that was!