what's the best way to fight this evil infliction??
It happens you know, climbing mountains with a pack on your back, rifle slung over your shoulder, eating man food for a week, drinking the fire water...
out at elk camp, putting some miles on, lots of walking.....
baboon ass, it happens folks, it's real.
so what's the best thing to carry along on a pack trip to battle this delicate condition?
baby wipes and wear spandex running shorts under your jeans, learned that after plenty of road marches, believe me, the spandex shorts make a HUGE difference after 12 miles of sweaty azz cheeks!
My Dad, God bless him, my brother, and I were pheasant hunting in Kansas years ago. We stayed and received royal treatment at the home of one of Dad's submarine pards and his wife, Sam and Erma.
Sam and Erma had spent 10-years in Africa after the war, so the day before we left Erma whipped up some "African curry". I can't vouch for the authenticity of the meal, but I can vouch for Dad bragging that he crapped in four states on the way home the next day.
One of our pit stops in Missouri was a tiny gas station. Dad stayed in the truck at first while brother and I gassed up and stretched our legs. We also got to listen to an old gal complain about her doddering husband and how he had just ruined his new jacket. It seems he had suddenly become ablaze while burning the garden...
Anyhoo, Dad followed us into the gas station, and after rummaging through the meager inventory, produces the largest tub of vaseline known to man. I couldn't believe it - the tiny station had a few packs of smokes, a few scattered candy bars, and a huge tub of vaseline. Dad thunks the vaseline down on the counter, pays for it, and asks the young lady clerk where the bathroom is. The clerk points to a curtain about 3-feet away. Dad tucks the tub under his arm like a football and ducks through the curtain...
Brother and I paid for the gas and hustled through the exit, but not before we heard a P51 Mustang fire up its engine behind that curtain. The clerk just put her hands over her face and muttered, "Oh, my...".
After we all loaded into the truck and started down the road Dad broke the silence saying, "Well, only two states left to go."
I Don't have the hiking/hunting conditions you mention, but will tell you that if you suffer from good old AL swamp azz, as from dirt biking during our hot summers, the UnderArmour boxer briefs are a must have. They do a fine job of keeping sweat wicked away from the nether regions. Never had a case bad enough to need the powder, but I'd imagine it can't hurt.
Hey, when ya make your platoon do 2 12 mile roadmarches a month, ya learn what keeps that crap away. Ya don't wanna let the Joes see ya suckin', plus everyone knows Engineers secretly wear pantyhose for the same reason.
My Dad, God bless him, my brother, and I were pheasant hunting in Kansas years ago. We stayed and received royal treatment at the home of one of Dad's submarine pards and his wife, Sam and Erma.
Sam and Erma had spent 10-years in Africa after the war, so the day before we left Erma whipped up some "African curry". I can't vouch for the authenticity of the meal, but I can vouch for Dad bragging that he crapped in four states on the way home the next day.
One of our pit stops in Missouri was a tiny gas station. Dad stayed in the truck at first while brother and I gassed up and stretched our legs. We also got to listen to an old gal complain about her doddering husband and how he had just ruined his new jacket. It seems he had suddenly become ablaze while burning the garden...
Anyhoo, Dad followed us into the gas station, and after rummaging through the meager inventory, produces the largest tub of vaseline known to man. I couldn't believe it - the tiny station had a few packs of smokes, a few scattered candy bars, and a huge tub of vaseline. Dad thunks the vaseline down on the counter, pays for it, and asks the young lady clerk where the bathroom is. The clerk points to a curtain about 3-feet away. Dad tucks the tub under his arm like a football and ducks through the curtain...
Brother and I paid for the gas and hustled through the exit, but not before we heard a P51 Mustang fire up its engine behind that curtain. The clerk just put her hands over her face and muttered, "Oh, my...".
After we all loaded into the truck and started down the road Dad broke the silence saying, "Well, only two states left to go."
rolling on the damn floor laughing!! Oh man that's good stuff!!
That got me thinking. Somehow I ended up with that tub of vaseline. After his record breaking performance, Dad was probably too weak to lug it into his house so he left it in my truck. Knowing the tub's history, I figure my wife would skin me if I stashed it in the bathroom. Sooo, I used it to grease up the dog during cold weather hunts - vaseline prevents ice from building up on the dog's fur and chaffing his beans.
My wife once asked me how exactly the vaseline is applied to the dog. I could tell she probably really didn't want to know the answer. I replied, "Grab the tub and chalk him up! It's all in the wrist."
Hey, when ya make your platoon do 2 12 mile roadmarches a month, ya learn what keeps that crap away. Ya don't wanna let the Joes see ya suckin', plus everyone knows Engineers secretly wear pantyhose for the same reason.
If'n you're horseback anything that works including panythose! Never had to use them myself yet, but would darn sure do it. Rode in 13 miles in 2000 with 2 friends that were horse people and I am not! Horses do not like me I am sure of that! Killed a bull and rode out the next day with the meat cause the weather was warm and the bears were ugly. I thought I was gonna die! I didn't want any part of riding a horse after that! I was willing to walk out! Pantyhose are a heck of a lot cheaper than underarmour and you can waste them in a campfire!
Pantyhose works great on horses or mules...........I've been told ......... and biker shorts/underarmor works great for long hikes if not a regular long hiker. Once the damage is done, I haven't found much that works well, but never tried the products mentioned, but likely will.
I tried posting about 4 post ago but couldn't see my keyboard. Reading this is almost suicidal on the stomach muscles. All of the above apply, coffee spraying, tears running, snot running, choked on my coffee. I had to close my office door so my secretaries didn't think I had lost it and called the Law....
I loved those Kansas trips. One time Dad, my brother, and I were hunting with Jack, a local dog breeder - Gordon setters. Jack would run 4-5 dogs at a time which is a lot of dogs for us Minnesota boys to keep track of. Occasionally a dog would seem to be settling into a bird when Jack would call out "Purina Point!", meaning the dog was just stopping to take a dump.
We got to the end of one particular swing and somehow lost Dad along the way. I called out, "Hey, Dad! Where you at?"
Not far away and hidden by some cattails Dad's voice replies, "Purina Point!"
On a hunting trip in the 'Dacks about 10 years ago, we had bumped up onto a pond between two mountains. My Dad sneaked away into the thick brush on a little point on the pond. We heard grunts and ahhhhh's Dad came out with a big smile,"I christen thee 'Brown's Landing'" It has been a reference point for my crew ever since. "Meetcha next to Browns' Landing"
I don't want to leave you Gents with the impression that all Dad did on hunting trips was take dumps...true as it is.
Dad once carefully explained to me how to wipe oneself with a dollar bill. A skill required, no doubt, by all the pockets of his hunting clothes being ripped out and used long ago.
You take a dollar bill and carefully rip a finger-sized circle in the center. Set the small round piece aside. Insert your finger through the hole and wipe vigorously. Clean up by sliding the dollar bill skillfully over your finger with a twisting motion.
The small round piece is for under your fingernail...
As I kept scrolling down I kept my eyes squinted so that I could quickly shut them if I saw Pointer posting. After his blister picture he keeps bringing up I was really worried what was coming up.
must have been about 99 we were heading back from elk camp on interstate. We had stopped in Nebraska to stay the night.
We had 4 guys, 2 trucks.
Well, leave it to us to stumble across this place in Nebraska that turned out to be some sort of flaming gay depot. Yeah, it was. The clerk was as over the top flaming homo as they get. What ever, we don't care, we just want a couple of rooms so we can get some rest.
So, we get our room keys & find our rooms. My uncle says he wants to head down to the bar to get a whisky, sounded good to me so I joined him. Down at the bar we meet this bartender that's built like an ox & looks exactly like the bluto cartoon character on the popeye cartoons. So we call him Bluto, he don't seem to mind. Well we're sitting there talking elk hunting with ole Bluto, he's havin a great time, my dad & his buddy come down to the bar & join us. We're sitting there drinkin at the bar & havin a great time & I get up to go to the bathroom. I walk into the mens room where there are 2 urinals with a divider between them. I'm standing there relieving myself when this goofy wiggly retard walks up to the urinal next to me & asks me if I want to "race". I aint never had that happen to me before....
I pretend that didn't just happen & I quickly walk out of the bathroom. Once out I take a well focused scan of the inside of the bar.... no chicks. There aint no chicks in the whole place... wtf?
then i look a little closer... these dudes really seem to like each other....
I walk up to the bar, sit down by my old man & say "dad, we're in a gay bar."
"what? no way" I said look around.... the guy in the bathroom just asked me if I wanted to race peeing! It's a damn gay bar dad!!
Dad says "hey Bluto, come here.... hey, is this place... you know..?"
Bluto hangs his head in shame.... "yeah... G'damn it, I don't know how it happened or where they all came from.... it just sort of happened ya know? It wasn't always like this you know... used to get hunters & regular salesman in here all the time. Now the damn place fills up every night with this, hell fellas, I'm sorry, I shoulda told ya but I just don't get nobody to talk to in here no more."
We all laughed our ass off & sat there for a while trading stories with poor ole Bluto, then we got out of there & got some sleep.
Next morning we left in a hurry to get on the road. I admittedly was still in pretty rough shape from the previous night of drinking. We were following behind my dad's buddy & my uncle in the other truck heading down the interstate. I'm riding shotgun with the old man at the wheel. I says: "hey dad, we should moon those guys."
Dad says "wadaya mean?" Wadaya think I mean? You drive past em & lay on the horn & I'll hang my ass out the window.
Dad could not contain his enthusiasm about this stunt we were about to pull. his eyes were full of tears & he just shook behind the wheel. red faced, belly bouncing up & down, hunched over that steering wheel chuckling uncontrollably.
He says "you ready?"
"yeah, yeah I'm ready. This is gonna be tricky, try to get close but don't scrub my ass across there side window. I don't wanna bust the side view mirror off or anything."
Dad romps on the gas & from 1/4 mile behind our target we begin our run. We've got a good 30mph on the other truck, gaining fast. Once we get within 1/8 mile behind the other truck the power window on that black GMC half ton went down.
"deploy the cheeks!"
"deploy the cheeks eye-eye sir!"
"cheeks deployed! Full speed ahead! Sound the horn!!"
it was perfect.
We flew by them doing about 85MPH with the horn blowing, passed them on the left displaying a 2 hand spread Colorado elk hunters red eye.... (wink-wink)
and from that moment forward, they were never the same.
Me & the old man laughed uncontrollably for the next 200 miles where we stopped for gas.
Those guys wouldn't talk to us.
So we got back in the truck & laughed for another 200 miles!!
Pantyhose works great on horses or mules...........I've been told ......... and biker shorts/underarmor works great for long hikes if not a regular long hiker. Once the damage is done, I haven't found much that works well, but never tried the products mentioned, but likely will.
Pantyhose on horses or mules reminds me of the story years ago of the City of Portland, Oregon making Loggers put diapers on horses at their horse logging operation inside Portland's Watershed.
Oh man, two Minnesota boys sharing arse jokes. how about a third?
So my cousin Shane and I are gonna sneak up on some ducks in ND. As we round a hill, we notice another pond full of ducks, so we hunker down to palaver. Squatting there, talking about what to do, he says "hold this". I casually look over to find him with his pants around his ankles, his t-shirt off and he wants me to hold his sleeve while he cuts it off. What the ?!?!
The next year in Canada, I got even. We were fishing in this little bay with 3 other boats. It is all bog so we really cant get to shore and Shane says he needs a "Brown's Landing". So he hangs off the back of the boat. Remembering the ND fiasco, and being that I am running the trolling motor up front, I simply turn the boat so the back is facing the other 3 boats. Unexpected benefit: the other 3 boats quickly bailed out of the bay leaving it to us!
About 25 years ago I was running sleeper team with this guy I couldn't stand on the Seattle/Denver Fish Run and we stopped at this Mexican Joint on I-80 in Wyoming near the Flaming Gorge Exit and had some real good green chili. When we left the pace it was his turn to drive so I climbed up into the sleeper of tthat ole Mack to get a little shut eye. About a half hour later I got this terrible gas attack and just couldn't hold onto any longer so I cut one loose, now this was no ordinary gas attack , it was really bad as it peeled the varnish off the leather on the walls in that sleeper. The next thing I knew I could hear a strange noise up in the cab of that ole Mack, the sound was Pssssst Pssst Psst, so I looked up front and there was my Co-driver with all the windows rolled down and he had his little can of Pinesol Deoderant spraying the cab down trying to cut the aroma of that thig, but it had a life of it's own as it fought back. It smelled like soneone had $hit a Chrismas Tree in there.
For some reason I don't know why, but that was my one and only trip with that driver, not that it hurt my feeling any.
...I simply turn the boat so the back is facing the other 3 boats. Unexpected benefit: the other 3 boats quickly bailed out of the bay leaving it to us!
I missed this one in person, thank God, but a pard of mine uses a snowmobile to travel back and forth to his ice house on Mille Lacs Lake. He gets caught a little short midway on the lake and has to do the deed. It's bright daylight, but no one is around so he figures to hurry before someone shows up.
He finishes up and continues on his trip. It didn't take long to discover that in his haste, a few frozen miles from anywhere, he had crapped in the hood of his snowmobile suit...
Unscented baby wipes are an innovation I brought to my elk camp the first year. Everyone laughed at first. By the end of the week, a meek line of supplicants was often seen, meekly swiping baby wipes and heading off with them <g>...
They work great for me. Sort of the ounce of prevention equals a pound of cure theory.
On a side note, one time I heard a comedian compare wiping you know what, to trying to wipe peanut butter out of a shap carpet. He was lamenting the fate of all mankind. Ended by saying we all needed to raid our ladies' Brazilian Bikini wax kits. Now THERE'S a disturbing image for you.
Dammit guys there are probably 100 people in here and me trying to contain the laughter has been impossible.. Thanks.... Payback time,
So here I am around 1987 or so on a trip from hell with Dad my bro and bro in law crowded into a 78 chevy 1/2 ton hot rod with 454 and packs on it. We are nearly an hour out of K.C. after supper and everyone but me at Mexican the night before, you guessed it I'm sammiched in the middle of the truck.
Three of these monkey butts and I cannot breathe its so BAD... Finally in desperation I slide open the back glass and stick my head out in the 2 above temps to get air, only problem is I can't get in the bed of the truck I won't fit through the dam window.
The brother is trying to pull me back inside and Dad is driving laughing his head off and they are filling the truck with a green fog! I'm begging at this point yelling as cars go by cruising down I-70 for help and my brother is still pulling on my coat, my arms are flailing trying to hold on to something. My foot slips inside the cab onto the gas and ontop dads foot, here we go, vvvvvvvrrrrooooooooooom.. Dad is weaving in and out of traffic at 100 plus mph telling my bro to stop and he isn't listening and I'm stuck!
Finally they get my foot free 10 or 15 miles later Dad pulls over ready to have an attack from fear of wrecking and I'm still hanging out the back. I'm not getting in the cab for nothing, they finally agree to let me out of the truck and I ride a VERY COLD ride home.. Now Dad I can't be this mean and pay him back like this, but my two Bro's well uuuuhhhh each one mysteriously found a skunk smell in thier vehicles a few years later.. One Bottle each vehicle of cover scent... That will leave a mark...
Those tiny baby wipes? You guys must have a lot more finesse than me. If I'm hanging over a log at -20 with frozen hands, I need surface area, man, surface area.
8" x 10" bath wipes for dogs, I'm in business:
- Effective cleansers remove dirt from haircoat. - Helps get rid of bacteria and eliminates odor. - Emollients leave haircoat shiny and clean. - Aloe vera to soothe the skin. - Vitamins A and E promote healthy skin and coat. - Alcohol free and pH neutral. - Resealable package of five 8� x 10� wipes.
See what I mean - everything a guy needs and nothing he doesn't.
Those tiny baby wipes? You guys must have a lot more finesse than me. If I'm hanging over a log at -20 with frozen hands, I need surface area, man, surface area.
8" x 10" bath wipes for dogs, I'm in business:
- Effective cleansers remove dirt from haircoat. - Helps get rid of bacteria and eliminates odor. - Emollients leave haircoat shiny and clean. - Aloe vera to soothe the skin. - Vitamins A and E promote healthy skin and coat. - Alcohol free and pH neutral. - Resealable package of five 8� x 10� wipes.
See what I mean - everything a guy needs and nothing he doesn't.
Same thing different picture on the package I'm thinking!
butt paste.... don't it sound like something you should be trying to remove instead of apply?
i've already found all this stuff mentioned above on the internet so I know what the package looks like for it all & I'll be making a stop at the local drug store to see what I can find.
I still think the desitin bingo dobber would be a big seller.
yeah, we were just sayin at work here, great big chap stick like the size of a 5 gallon pail.
you could use it for a chair when the cap is on it & if ya need some just pull the cap off & do the old hound dog carpet grind, scrub it in real gooooood... ahhh...
yeah, we were just sayin at work here, great big chap stick like the size of a 5 gallon pail.
you could use it for a chair when the cap is on it & if ya need some just pull the cap off & do the old hound dog carpet grind, scrub it in real gooooood... ahhh...
crap now I'm laughin too.
That would work. The field version could be desitin applied to the ball hitch on your truck and some Cha-Cha music on the radio.
I have to quit reading this thread. People in the office are starting to wonder.................about me laughing like this! Besides my stomach muscles are starting to hurt.
Those tiny baby wipes? You guys must have a lot more finesse than me. If I'm hanging over a log at -20 with frozen hands, I need surface area, man, surface area.
8" x 10" bath wipes for dogs, I'm in business:
- Effective cleansers remove dirt from haircoat. - Helps get rid of bacteria and eliminates odor. - Emollients leave haircoat shiny and clean. - Aloe vera to soothe the skin. - Vitamins A and E promote healthy skin and coat. - Alcohol free and pH neutral. - Resealable package of five 8� x 10� wipes.
See what I mean - everything a guy needs and nothing he doesn't.
So you're the guy they call "The Pamper Bandit"? Those things are EVERYWHERE!
great big chap stick the size of a 5 gallon bucket, weighs about 130 pounds... put the cap on it & it sits outside the base camp during the hunt & can be used as a chopping block to split firewood on.
you gotta bear hug the cap to get it twisted off, drop trou & hop up on that big ole "chapped stick" & scrub around on it till you got a good coat on....
My dad would always joke about "wish I had an ice cream cone right now, one of those pointy dairy queen soft serves. I'd dab away at that ole red starfish with it..." then he'd make hot branding iron noises "pshhh! Pshhhh!"
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#1: Keep it clean. You're butt, that is. Use any means necessary. The best is flowing water.
#2: Friction? Try bacon grease. Seriously. Any cooking grease does a very good job. So does Crisco, peanut oil, canola, etc.
#3: For serious cases of baboon ass, keep a tube of Nupercainal ointment. It's a little-known competitor to Preperation-H, and much more effective. It's also much more lubricating.
Nupercainal not only reduces swelling, but it has lidocaine, a mild anesthetic.
I'm an ex-caver. Cavers are known for going many long hours underground, wading through nasty stuff, You frequently get stuff growing in your shorts along with the grit from crawling in mud and muck. Dysentery is also a frequent visitor on trips. Nupercainal is not water-soluable and it stays on and keeps working. It's also pretty good on 1st degree burns, insect bites, etc.
BTW: keep these in a different pocket of your pack than the toothpaste. Don't ask how I know.
Since y'all seem to like the call of the wild stuff. My old hunting buddy use to tell this every year at camp. Two fellers went went elk hunting in Idaho. On the way they ran into a Game warden that warned them that the bears in the area had been quite troublesome lately, and that they should keep their rifles with them at all times. One of the fellers laughed and said I ain't scaired. They made their camp that night and had a big pot of chili for supper. The next morning they both felt urge and quickly made for the bushes. Squatting there side by side they were taking care of business. When a bear came wondering through their camp. Realizing they had left they rifles in the tent. One whispered the the other, "Are you scaired now? " No I ain't scaired said the other. The bear moved toward the two fellers And the one asked again, Are you sure you ain't scaired? No dang it I ain't scaired said the other. Then why are you wiping me? he asked
Shoot, that stuff acts just like Icy Hot when in contact with those areas on me. Damned buddy of mine swapped out some prep H with Icy Hot, guess he took about two hours doin' it. That SOB stuffed it into my ruck, in a prep h tube. I still owe that crotch sniffer. Man, I thought my azz was on fire, and don't get me goin' on the spider, I was in tears. Riding in Armored vehicles ain't always easy on the body. Les
Well here I am back in 1990 in Belgrade Montana on a hunting trip with 5 of us staying in one room and 2 of us sleeping on the floor.. In the morning being the last guy in the jon meant you would almost die from the baboon ass smell by day 4, and on day 5.
I happened to forget one of my rifles upstairs. I run back inside only to find two of the cleaning ladies placing fans in the doorway to our room and one came from inside of the room. She was running out holding her nose as she I later found out had opened the window, anyway she makes it into the clear. Opens her mouth for a big breath of fresh air and after getting it looks up and says God why me what have I done to deserve this....
I couldn't help busting out laughing on the stairway after witnessing the feasco and simply left the rifle in the room and ran downstairs got in the truck and said lets go.. Baboon Ass case # 1258..
Here's a thought for pre-emptive medicine. The motorcross guys use clear tear-off plastic sheets on their goggles, when one gets mudded up, just tear it off.
Cut you a few sheets of saran wrap, poke a hole, sit on it and sneeze (or read your 401k statement) to suck 'em up a bit for a good seal. Bingo...you're set up with some custom tear-offs.
Someone else try it first and let us know...
(I'm still recovering from the snowmobile suit hood post.)
Ya know folks, we just don't get enough superdave replies around here. This is a rare sighting, ole superdave been a member since 02 with a post count under 560. Superdave's idea is similar to my "hunterpants" idea for a pair of underwear with tear off layers built into the seat of the undies.
I know of someone who was feeling a little amorous with the wife. As they had just had a baby, she was still nursing so there was a need for some KY. The KY was stored next to the bed and without bothering to turn on the light, it was grabbed and applied and the fun quickly continued....for about 4 seconds. Then something seemed a little wrong....then a lot wrong. Sniff, sniff....Icy Hot! Apparently that ended all activity for the night and both were in agony for about a half hour!
I think I read the flatulence story, but I can be sure. I remember reading something that made me laugh, but I immediately blocked it out from my memory - a reflex-self-preservation kinda thing.
I do that a lot and things get a little jumbled. I can only recall a guy squatting from a bed frame with a 4x4 truck tattooed on his johnson. I don't want to know any more...
Not a bunghole joke but nearly as harsh. In RVN I was not known for my kindness and charity to my fellow Grunts. I acquired a fair size sample of quinine and a syrings from a friendly medic and proceeded to make a nice injectable solution out of it. next, I sneakily raided the other guys' rucksacks for their toothpaste (we were in for a standdown) and then injected quinine into everybody's toothpaste tubes. Weh we went back out into the jungle, when the guys first morning out came, they all brushed their teeth with their tasty toothpaste. If you have EVER tasted raw quinine, you can imagine what it is like to have BRUSHED it into every nook and cranny in your yap. evrybody was gagging for the next 2 days. Naturaly I kept my trap shut and pretended to be gagging too ( it saved my life. they weren't known for their kindness and charity either)
I took a good beating from a guy in high school over something similar. A bunch of us were in the team room shower and he asked for someone to loan him some soap - I gave him a sanitary bar that I plucked from the urinal.
After giving his face a good scrubbing the guy goes nuts and starts whaling on me. Between laughing and figuring I deserved it I couldn't fight back. Fair is fair.
I took a good beating from a guy in high school over something similar. A bunch of us were in the team room shower and he asked for someone to loan him some soap - I gave him a sanitary bar that I plucked from the urinal.
After giving his face a good scrubbing the guy goes nuts and starts whaling on me. Between laughing and figuring I deserved it I couldn't fight back. Fair is fair.
Think what he would have done to you if he had scrubbed his nuts...
yeah, we were just sayin at work here, great big chap stick like the size of a 5 gallon pail.
you could use it for a chair when the cap is on it & if ya need some just pull the cap off & do the old hound dog carpet grind, scrub it in real gooooood... ahhh...
. . . so this Nupercainal stuff is serious. My grandfather used to use it on his hemorrhoids. He recommended it to me. I found it worked great for a bunch of things, including that nasty soreness you get when you've got a bad cold and you've used too many Kleenex.
About 20 years ago, I was working for a stodgy mutual fund company in their data process department. I was in with the vice president, an athletic muscly woman, for my weekly status report. She was obviously having trouble with her nose. She'd take a tissue and try to wipe it and wince. I asked what the matter was. She said it was a bad cold.
I suggested Nupercainal ointment. She said she'd go out immediately and buy some and thanked me profusely for the tip.
"No problem." I replied. "There's just one thing I have to warn you about."
"What's that?" said Kathy.
"You're engaged, right?"
"Yes."
"Dave's a nice guy," I replied. "However, if you come home tonight and Dave gives you a kiss and recognizes the taste, you need to drop him immediately."
One Semi load of Huge Butt Balm Buckets is mandated for all conservative, gun and religion clingites if Obama and Biden win. Why because you will need it...........
Having rarely been a victim of baboon ass, I was feeling pretty smug reading this thread. Suddenly I remembered...
Dad again. Due to my work schedule the prospect for opening fishing was looking pretty bleak. Dad headed up to his cabin midweek on his own. Said cabin being a bus with the seats torn out and replaced with second-hand mattresses. There was a makeshift outhouse nearby that was only used during daylight. The outhouse was so overrun with wildlife everyone was scared to use it at night. Under the cover of darkness a 5-gallon bucket and a slight risk of spectators was a better option.
Dad called me from a pay phone Friday afternoon and guilted me into coming up for the night and a morning of fishing. I asked if I needed to bring anything up, like food, but Dad said, "I have it covered - we'll just live off the land."
Little did I know that "living off the land" meant that in the past couple days Dad had mapped out all the Happy Hour Boofay offerings over a thousand square miles. Hanging up the phone, I figured he meant we would just do the burger-and-beer routine. I threw together my gear in a hurry and headed out, leaving most of the stuff that makes the opener in Minnesota bearable at home.
So, I drove and Dad navigated through a non-stop stream of squishy chicken wings, half frozen and/or half nuclear baby meatballs, jalapeno chips and cheese, mystery deep fried thingies, my choice of meatless or beanless chili (at least I think it was chili), tabasco deviled eggs, and the coup de gr�ce: pickled phlegm...er...herring.
As a former subscriber to the rule, "Anything tastes good washed down with a beer.", I tried my best to make this toxic slaw taste good. I would have sucked off the keg tap had a bartender let me, but I was quickly going in reverse. The beer foam was somehow interacting with jalapeno-pickled-herring-chili gurgling in my stomach. Mercifully, Dad finally suggested we call it a night.
A few miles from the bus, I started to really, urgently, panic strickenly look forward to that 5-gallon bucket. The only question was whether my intestines decided to vacate my body along with everything else. I was in full scale clench by the time we rounded the corner leading to the bus. A herd of giggling teenagers were enjoying a huge bonfire at the neighboring campsite. Mother Mercy, it was going to have to be the outhouse...
To paraphrase Jesse Ventura in Predator, "I don't have time for fear." I slammed the truck in park and bolted for the outhouse as fast as a guy can waddle with his heels pinched together. The first few minutes were bliss, the next six hours not so much. I imagine the other campers were ticked enough over the giggling teenagers, but the guy playing the tuba all night was over the top.
Two fortunate things did happen. The normal wildlife population in the outhouse must have thought a Bizzaro Orkin Man had developed a sinister new biocide so they vacated the premises, and the vacuum-induced dent on top of my head is only obvious when rainwater spills over.
Morning confirmed that had I lived...regrettably. Bright-eyed and ready to roll, Dad was scratching and doing the boogy-woogy in his tightie-whities while reheating yesterday's instant coffee. That bus could really use some curtains. Fearing a resurgence, I chewed very little of Dad's brew, and mostly stumbled through the ritual of getting my gear squared away.
Along with the troubles of the night before, someplace along the line I must have slid down a sandpaper banister. Showering or otherwise cleaning up was out of the question, unless I went with warm Mountain Dew or whatever I could drain out of the Bus's radiator. Dad's coffee was a possibility, but I suspected from the taste that Dad might have already used it.
We got underway eventually. The cold and rain-covered aluminum boat seats felt good for about 30-seconds, until the creeping itch of death started. Ice was still piled up in spots along the shoreline and traces of snow were visible under the trees. It was drizzling cold rain, yet the only possible cure, I got a fever and the only prescription.. is more cowbell!
I had to go for it - a purifying dip in Minnesota's ice blue water. "Dad, turn the boat around."
Barefoot in boxers, clutching a sliver of soap, I tip-toed through the ice piles and into water so cold my johnson still holds a grudge. Fisherman and other onlookers thought I lost my mind. A fair sized crowd gathered on the shoreline and happily cheered me on in whatever bet they though I lost, but not a one knew true happiness. Neck deep in that clear cold water with my sliver of soap, only I knew the meaning of true happiness.
Wow just catching up to the fire for the first time today after painting the living room, kitchen and office filing away my list of honey do checks... Well I needed a laugh and I got to laughing so hard about the ice water lake my side hurt for the last 5 minutes, THANKS!!!!
Axle grease. hey, the spandex works. we had spandex shorts to hold our pads in football. they never made me chafe. we learned this when we practiced in the more comfortable basketball shorts. i havent had to resort to this yet, it is usually too cold to sweat much when i hunt.
oh dang ole Dave he walk through the valley of sweat, he be fearing no rash for his uh.... pantihose (sp?) and desitin bingo dobber do um, protecketh him. (I aint wearin no damn pany hose les, forget about it!)
His um, gold bond powder surely do dry him.... and leadeth him-eth to the wapiti... and stuff...
his uh, tin cup runeth over with giardia tainted water from a creek he knows not to drinketh from no more.... and uh, he aint got no dang baboon ass cause ahh, cause dang ole wise men & stuff done educated him, on the dang ole campeth fire. And he got baby wipeth's too.
Don't know why but reading this again since it hit the front page once more I remembered a day in high school. I'll never forget this..
Had a guy in school that just flat out made it known time and again on the days when he farted it STUNK bad. Well he would fart alot some days again and again and this was one of those days.. As he would raise up to fart in the desk the next row infront of me he would look back and laugh just before he let her rip. I'd finally had enough and the next time he raised up alittle and started to turn I lit my lighter right under his azz.
There was the big woof that burnt the hair from my hand but more importantly it caught his pants on fire. Dude was on friggin fire and without even looking at the teacher he ran out with his azz on fire and all of us following.
I rounded the next corner and the fire alarm had gone off, there he was with the Principle using a fire hose to put his azz out.. After looking at the damage a 4 inch hole in his pants the Principle looked at all of us and knowing who the kid was, he puts his hand to his nose and says I don't wanna know. He turned and walked away.
This guy walked around the rest of the day with a notebook paper or 3 shoved down in the pants to cover the hole. He never even once thought about fartin anywhere near me from then on.. He had a bare Baboon azz for awhile....
Inflammation due to sudden diet change is likely due to switching to a high glycemic index food or drink. Avoid Gator Ade like the plague. It has a huge glycemic index. These foods and drinks cause glycemic shock, one symptom of which is that anything that is prone to inflammation becomes inflamed. Hope that helps.
I'm very happy to report that i went shopping this weekend & I have the necessary items to battle the baboon for our elk hunt coming up this next weekend.
We leave MN Wed after work.
Sounds like we will get some snow too while we are out there... I have mixed feelings about that.
Yeah here's to a great hunt and great luck....HOWEVER....We will forego the pics of the baboon ass if ya don't mind One of you simple(?) but effective descriptions will be suitable!!
our first group of 4 hunters is probably in CO about now, more than likely shopping for groceries in there last stop for civilization before heading up into the sage brush & scrub oak ridges... the yellow leaves on the quakies... soon to be off & covered with snow. (where was I ? I rambled off....)
those guys will set up base camp today, we'll join them on Thursday.
Not sure if that is the same as baboon ass or not, but certainly related. Doc would give me a hydrocortisone cream with an anti-fungal mixed in. Of course, gotta keep that area as clean as you can as well. The link above mentions mixing 1% cortisone cream with Lotrimin, both OTC. I may try that.
All seriousness aside, this is one heck of a funny thread!
gives the phrase "chaps my azz" whole new meaning!!
Good luck with the trip Dave!
With the possibility of snow for the Great wapiti Adventure , A term my Dad used may be more relevant . "Frosts my azz" A snowball could come in handy if the preventative steps are not effective
How apropriate, I just submitted my early rifle season elk application for Colorado today, along with my uncles.
Deadline is April 7th & we have a couple more to complete.
This year we will bring the yellow can of monkey powder.
Last year I defeated the beast without the monkey powder.
maybe after a couple of beers I'll tell about the tube socks & the BVD's
Maybe
viva-la powder!!
Well?
oops, forgot.
well I was up above spike camp on our elk hunt last year looking for a good place to hide myself for a couple of hours with a good vantage point of potential wapiti crossing zone. I'm walking along the top of this dark timber ridge thinking I'm in a place where a person probably hasn't been for quite some time when I spot something on the ground ahead, looks like clothing. As I get closer I realize it's a large pair of tube socks that hasn't been out in the weather for very long... So I figure I better watch my step. I'm laughing to myself at the thought of some poor dude that has apparently suffered the unplanned call of nature & done so unprepared.
Some poor guy actually took his boots off so he could get to his socks & then wiped his rear with his socks then stuck his bare feet back into his boots & left...
I was laughing to myself & walking on past the spot when nature played it's dirty trick on me & it hit suddenly with no warning. I found myself standing maybe 15 yds from the dirty tube socks doing the glute death grip hold on a colon exceeding burst pressure!! OMG!! I gotta go RFN!! A stiff legged waddle over to a small tree for leaning on & the frantic drop trou maneuver followed by a colon evac episode equaled only by that of the "Dumb & Dumber" turbo lax toilet scene... ohhhhh lord was that all really necessary?? Wow!!
Anyways, with all that behind me (literally) Now I found myself in the same situation as poor ole Mr tube sock there.
But I wasn't going to take my boots off. One slice with the knife to the briefs at the left & right hip area & that pair of briefs just became a cloth diaper... or an azz chamois, either way.
So now I'm off for the rest of my day, working without a safety net & there's a pair of men�s briefs 15 yds from another man's pair of tube socks, both used for very bad things.
I get back to spike camp at dark, we have a couple of nylon tents set up there. I crawl into the tent I'm sharing with my dad & my step brother & I see my step brother is sitting on his sleeping bag. My dad rolls in just then & I'm telling the both of them this funny story about some dude's tube socks & my BVD's.
My dad is laughing his ass off & so is my step brother.... he's actually almost hurting himself he's laughing so hard.
He's laughing so hard he cant speak.... he's laughing hysterically as he unlaces his boots & pulls them off his.....
I reference to the "asparagus" thread and the genetic nature of the ability to produce and scent said fragrance, this tale appears to validate the genetic link so described!!
Didn't we have some dobber ideas further up the thread? and also some semi paste/stick form of Prep-H? Like an armpit stick but more the size of a 5 gallon pail you pull the cap off of & set on the ground? So you can just drop trou, back up & scrub the monkey on that big prep-H paste stick?
How come I just KNEW I could check this thread out and find ND or Sam O.? Oh, well, guess it says alot about me that I was compelled to surf by.... Gotta check out Youtube now for Garth.." I got Friends in low places..." Ingwe
Perfect timing on the resurrection of this thread. I was thinking of this whole thread the other day when my brother-in-law decided to use a little of the hand sanitizer my wife left on the bathroom counter. Seems he thought a few drops on the TP would aid in the cleanup process. Lit him up rather well.
Shave your crack I know it sounds creepy but... a mans gotta do what a mans gotta do, used to be a roofing contractor monkey ass was a comon occurance in the old days.
Shave your crack I know it sounds creepy but... a mans gotta do what a mans gotta do, used to be a roofing contractor monkey ass was a comon occurance in the old days.
Rog, I need to relate this experience to you, Read it, learn it, Love it.
Don't Shave That Hair!!! I have recently made a mistake in my life, and I offer my story to you, that you may learn from my error. It all started, as many things do, with me having trouble pooping.
No, I was not constipated; this was not a regularity problem but a matter of technique. It seems my butt-hair had grown to such a length that tiny grogans were constantly getting tied up in the matted jungle between my buttcheeks. It led to much frustration, with me KNOWING that I still had something to drop, but unable to shake the tenacious turd loose from its butthair dwelling. Eventually I would have to do two things: either reach down with some paper and try to pinch off the lingering loaf (which required careful precision to avoid smearing the creature all over my rear, especially since I had no way of seeing what I was doing) or just go for broke, start wiping, and hope that I could remove all the leftover fecal matter before the toilet paper reached its Can't-Be-Flushed threshold.
I was contemplating this problem, when I had what seemed at the time to be a bright idea. "Hey! This is my butt and my butt-hair, right? So why don't I just eliminate all the hair, and then my grogans will flow out like beer from a keg!" I said to myself. It is a statement that will go down in history with a lot of other regretted statements. "How many Indians could there be?" said by General Custer. "Looks like a good day for a drive!" by JFK. "There! America On-Line now has complete Usenet access!" by some idiot system tech. Such was my anal shaving idea.
I performed the operation that night, with a cheap disposable razor and a towel to sit on. Starting from the bottom, and shaving from the crack to the cheeks, I began the arduous process of ridding my butt of hair. Occbuttionally, I would have to clean the razor of accumulated hair and miscellaneous slime, which I did by wiping it on the towel. Slowly, my twin mounds and the between-ravine began to resemble the hairless cheeks of a newborn baby. Finally, I wiped the razor one last time, and surveyed my work. The towel was covered with a pile of hair. My butt was smooth as ivory. I smiled, satisfied, thinking my troubles were over.
Little did I know.
I now have a great respect for anal-hair. Like everything in this world God created, it has its mighty purpose in existence. It was only after I had removed it that I started to learn how much I had been taking it for granted. For one, it provides friction. I learned this the next day, when I walked out into the sun heading for class. After climbing two flights of stairs and starting to sweat, I started to notice something unpleasant. The sweat was accumulating in my crack, and was causing the unpleasant sensation of my two ascheeks sliding past each other with every step. I thought about going to the bathroom and wiping it off, but had to get to clbutt. Eventually, I thought, it would dry.
Unfortunately, it did dry, but only after mingling with the microscopic poop- molecules lingering around my brown starfish. When I stood up after clbutt, my cheeks were stuck together with a slimy sticky poop/sweat combination. As I made my way back to my dorm, it started to itch. HOT-DAMN, did it itch! Felt like a swarm of ants was making its way up and down my crack. Fighting to keep from jamming my hand down there and scratching away, I rushed back to the dorm.
Unfortunately again, this exertion caused me to sweat, and when I finally reached my room, my cheeks were sliding back and forth against each other like a pair of horny cane-toads. I quickly dropped my pants, and attempted to dry my butt off by sticking it in front of a fan and spreading my cheeks. As I pulled the two mounds of flesh apart, a horrible stench burst free and filled the room. Every dog within a 4 block radius started to howl. I had it worst of all, as the ripe aroma of festering poop/sweat went into the fan and blew back into my face. I fought to keep from heaving. And as I sat there, fighting vomit, my butt cheeks spread and dripping, with the concentrated aroma of my body odor mixed with the tangy smell of my own poop blowing right into my face, I had only one thought: "It will be like this until the hair grows back. Weeks."
Later on, trying to deal as best I could, wiping my butt at every opportunity, I discovered another wonderful use for butt-hair - ventilation. I attempted to launch a fart, only to have it get stuck between my buttcheeks. Apparently, with no hair, the two pink twins can get vacuum sealed together, and the result was a frustrating fart that slid up and down between my cheeks like a lost gerbil.
As if that wasn't enough, I am now enduring further torture. As anyone who has ever shaved anything knows, when hair is first growing in, it comes in as stubble. Imagine your butt having the texture of a brillo pad. Well, that is what I am dealing with now. It is a hellish torture, and there are many times when I just look out the window and contemplate why I shouldn't just jump out and get it all over with in one fleshy splat, rather than endure this constant agony.
I knew as soon as I saw him say shave it, I knew what was coming. oh, Les apparently I forgot my floatie at your place, its actually daves, just send it back to him
When my buddy Brandon when to the E-5 board (Sgt) He was asked by the CSM of our batalion why he felt retention was low. He said "Sergeant MAjor, have you ever had monkey butt?" CSM- well yeah, we all have what's yer point? "Well did you ever have it before youo joined the army?" He was dismissed from the board.
Beaudreux's butt paste.
As a soldier whose job involves alot of walking far, and laying up long- without many showers or amenities I have become a coniseur of the various baby wipes on the market, particualrly those which don't sting like fire when applied to monkey butt, and also of the various creams pastes and powders. My son (now 5.5) benefitted greatly from this knowledge while he was in diapers. Beaudreux's (he just sent me a tube) and A&D ointment is where it's at. Powder to keep it dry during the day.
OK, here is a Link To Crack Waxing Salon that offers a service for those here so inclined. I'll c/p a few excerpts fron the links web site:
Gentleman's Waxing and Service Menu:
We know you guys are just as curious as can be about all this waxing going on and it's becoming quite amazing how many guys are coming in to the salon for this service.
No, it's not only gay guys that get waxed either. It's manly and wonderful, hygienic and don't be afraid because we are really good here at Pink Cheeks. Feel free to come in for a FREE sample patch test wax (on your arm or back) and let's see how your skin responds to it. There is a small chance that you may break out a bit from it at first but your skin will get used to it over time. It is very rewarding and visually attractive to have hair removed that you are uncomfortable with and we will make you feel very welcome with our professionalism and pride.
Hurrah for the man who invests in grooming! .......................................................... MEN'S INSIDE BUTT: Nothing beats good hygiene than a clean butt. Many guys come in for this service not gay and gay. We dare you to try it once and we know that we will see you again. This service is very very popular and for all the right reasons.
............................................................ MEN'S FULL BUTT CHEEKS: Some guys have so much hair on their butt that they could scooch around a floor and have it polished in no time! This waxing can make a nice difference to the look and feel of your bottom, most nicely noticeable to yourself. We suggest getting "in the butt" waxed with this service too so you don't look like you have a "hair taco" down there.
............................................................. AND, an additional deal PINKCHEEKS offers, looks a "do it yerself procedure:
Welcome to the Most Wonderful
Skin Care Salon....
Pink Cheeks
Anal Bleaching....
Go ahead laugh, butt some people need it. This was a service that we offered "under the radar" but now that more and more are responding to the desire for it we are offering it publicly. You apply the bleaching cr�me every night. You will see your results within a week and a half to a month and a half. The speed of the visual result is contingent on your melanin depth which you've inherited. Everyone lightens up at different speeds. We have observed great response to this product.
Now taking orders for our take home Anal Bleaching system, for those of you out there who can't make it to our salon we can ship the product to you!!!
Gawwwwd---now everytime I go to the National Zoo with guests I will remember this post and look for baboon ass. I swear when I saw the subject line I thought this had something to do with someones wife's azzzzz.
"Hair taco"....."hair taco".....hmmmmmmm, I know that something should be said when a post that includes "hair taco" shows up.........................................Just for a moment I pictured Northern Daves bare bottom, smooth and hairless, with long locks of hair jutting out from between his glowing red baboon crack.........................Now I have to go straighten out a wire hanger and shove it up my nose, and twist until I scramble the portion of my brain that lets me visualize things so this can never happen again.
"Hair taco"....."hair taco".....hmmmmmmm, I know that something should be said when a post that includes "hair taco" shows up.......................................Just for a moment I pictured Northern Daves bare bottom, smooth and hairless, with long locks of hair jutting out from between his glowing red baboon crack.........................Now I have to go straighten out a wire hanger and shove it up my nose, and twist until I scramble the portion of my brain that lets me visualize things so this can never happen again.
Originally Posted by Grogel_Deluxe
IS oK nOw, No SEE MoRe PIctUris In hEad.
Oh great! Now were are going to have another Lee24 posting here...
Hair taco? wow. you are a braver man than me. I didn't bother reading that far into the ass waxer's advertisement. I totally missed the words "hair taco" but the O-ring bleaching, unfortunately I saw that.
I had a wicked case of swamp ass last summer. It get really hot and humid up here in the pennsyltucky hills. I swear it lasted for about a month. Fortunately this summer has bee really mild. No swamp ass for me.
Might as well drop one on this thread to keep'er going, so to speak.......
Many moons ago during an archery season for Elk in Western Oregon, practically the whole family, minus mom, was in the woods and determined to bag the big one. Both of my older brothers were home on leave from the Air Force and brought with them the good ole MREs and plenty of camo to suit us all up. After a half-day adventure, we had all managed to meet up at the same place, despite leaving from various locations and random departure times, plainly indicating none of us had seen, nor gotten squat.......... That is at least until my oldest brother made the general announcement, whether we needed to hear it or not, that apparently mom's canned venison gravy over homemade biscuits and more than taken their toll over his intestines and his late arrival to the meeting spot was a direct result. Not wanting to leave us out of the loop, he declared that he was on the hunt once again for a good "spot". At much protest, we redirected his initial "spot" to be somewhere downwind from our present location, and being beyond the range of our preditor hearing and then some. A few minutes passed and we had indeed escaped the sites and sounds that we all feared, though not for long. Within a mere few seconds of his return to our location we began to detect that something had indeed followed him, a hitchhiker of sorts if you will. As the smell of the dirty deed began to make its rounds, slowly but surely we began checking wind, verses his last known waypoint. It didn't add up and that's when we got nervous. The thought of an outdoor load being able to buck 10mph wind from a distance of 60 plus yards was more than any professor could dream up, or it would have been banned in Geneva.
Finally after about 10 minutes of short breaths and threats to inflict bodily harm upon him, he discovered the "source"..... In the haste of cleaning up and removing himself from the local as quickly as possible, he felt that removing the finger tab release from his wiping hand would have been apparently a move his timetable would not afford. After all, it was on the back of his hand right?
The sound of laughter, mixed with the instant one-liners about anything and everything "going on his tab" precluded us from bagging any Elk that day, but the fact that he continued to use it for the rest of the season is hard evidence to his unwillingness to quit on good gear.
Close my eye, that damned Baboon Ass got me today, know I remember why I hate humid climates...............AAARRRRRRRRGGGGGHHHHHHHHHH Gonna drink beer and make the pain go away!
Here's what you need Les, the new and improved "Ladies Anti Monkey Butt"
Anti-Monkey Butt Powder 6 oz. Bottle Ideal for butt busting activities such as truck driving, motorcycling, bicycling, horse back riding, and extreme sports. May also be applied inside footwear, under sports pads, and other areas prone to chafing. Indoors or outdoors, work or play, or on occasions when you sit on your butt all day, don�t let your buns get red, use Anti Monkey Butt Powder instead!
Lady Anti-Monkey Butt Powder 6 oz. Bottle
Say Good-bye to Chafed Thighs! Lady Anti Monkey Butt Powder is specially formulated with patented satiny smooth powder to minimize the frictional discomfort that women often experience when using exercise equipment, running, driving, cycling or just walking. Its unique ingredients work quickly to absorb sweat and provide cooling effective relief of irritation on the inner thighs and other areas of the skin prone to rubbing.
Or in hLes's honor get the product in bulk:
6-pack Anti-Monkey Butt Powder 6 oz. Bottle
Ideal for butt busting activities such as truck driving, motorcycling, bicycling, horse back riding, and extreme sports. May also be applied inside footwear, under sports pads, and other areas prone to chafing. Indoors or outdoors, work or play, or on occasions when you sit on your butt all day, don�t let your buns get red, use Anti Monkey Butt Powder instead!
And, with the convenient 6-pack, you can be prepared wherever you go and save money, too!
Its been a long time since I have howled at reading a thread here (except for any Lee24 threads, well, and JO) but this one has about killed me! Hilarious...
holy moley what happened in here last night guys??
I got my new phone activated last night & the txtx messages started pouring in faster than i could keep up with them. Les I didn't get any sort of picture txt from you though, you must have sent that one before my phone was activated.
Rocky waterproof "breathable" pants don't breathe. 4.5 mile walk in the dark with fresh Bighorn sheep meat on a horse is trolling for grizzly bears up there!
My Dad, God bless him, my brother, and I were pheasant hunting in Kansas years ago. We stayed and received royal treatment at the home of one of Dad's submarine pards and his wife, Sam and Erma.
Sam and Erma had spent 10-years in Africa after the war, so the day before we left Erma whipped up some "African curry". I can't vouch for the authenticity of the meal, but I can vouch for Dad bragging that he crapped in four states on the way home the next day.
One of our pit stops in Missouri was a tiny gas station. Dad stayed in the truck at first while brother and I gassed up and stretched our legs. We also got to listen to an old gal complain about her doddering husband and how he had just ruined his new jacket. It seems he had suddenly become ablaze while burning the garden...
Anyhoo, Dad followed us into the gas station, and after rummaging through the meager inventory, produces the largest tub of vaseline known to man. I couldn't believe it - the tiny station had a few packs of smokes, a few scattered candy bars, and a huge tub of vaseline. Dad thunks the vaseline down on the counter, pays for it, and asks the young lady clerk where the bathroom is. The clerk points to a curtain about 3-feet away. Dad tucks the tub under his arm like a football and ducks through the curtain...
Brother and I paid for the gas and hustled through the exit, but not before we heard a P51 Mustang fire up its engine behind that curtain. The clerk just put her hands over her face and muttered, "Oh, my...".
After we all loaded into the truck and started down the road Dad broke the silence saying, "Well, only two states left to go."
Rocky waterproof "breathable" pants don't breathe. 4.5 mile walk in the dark with fresh Bighorn sheep meat on a horse is trolling for grizzly bears up there!
Elk, did that make you a little nervi (the plural much of nervous)?
Rocky waterproof "breathable" pants don't breathe. 4.5 mile walk in the dark with fresh Bighorn sheep meat on a horse is trolling for grizzly bears up there!
Elk, did that make you a little nervi (the plural much of nervous)?
Nope, but my young guide was a tiny bit nervous. I am too stupid to get nervous. He would see eyes reflect in his headlight and wonder if it were a predator. I asked him what color they were and he would say green. I would reply don't worry. He finally asked why. I told him if they are red or yellow (predator) then we may have a problem.
It's a classic and without a question it will continue to raise it's Pug Ugly Head, or as FDR said it's a topic that will live in infamy, it will become folklore......
jpb, suggested I read it yesterday and I did. I spent a whole day reading and laughing, instead of working. Dang glad I am the boss, even the employees spent their time yesterday reading it, and still getting paid for their time. It was hilarious, priceless, and I think it's time to turn it into a book. I think it would be some of the finest in "Bathroom Reading" ever published
jpb, suggested I read it yesterday and I did. I spent a whole day reading and laughing, instead of working. Dang glad I am the boss, even the employees spent their time yesterday reading it, and still getting paid for their time. It was hilarious, priceless, and I think it's time to turn it into a book. I think it would be some of the finest in "Bathroom Reading" ever published
Lynn
And just think -- you yourself are now immortalized on the best thread ever. May the baboon never die!
You must be a good boss to send this thread to your employees, knowing that it was going to reduce productivity...
I was thinking that if somebody I knew was in the hospital, a printout of this entire thread would be appreciated more than any flowers could ever be!
On second thought, perhaps not if they were in for hemorrhoid surgery...
Vampires aren't as undead as this thread!! Now that yez got me snorkin' and chokin' I best get to the "Shave" thread and make it a well rounded evening
Listen to EvilTwin - just try cornstarch. It's a little "indelicate" a topic, but I have spent hours (years!) in the saddle and know whereof EvilTwin speaks...
Where do I order my bumper sticker? I want to be first in my town to have one!
I think you need get at least a couple of dozen of those stickers and do Dave and Les a big favor by posting one on the back of each trailer you pull that way it will get real wide distribution. Better yet they might just cut you a deal and give you them for free as you would be providing a valuable service for them.
Been reading this thread from the beginning, over a couple of days. LOTS of laughs !!
Was originally thinking, as I read the last 2 years worth of giggles, to bump into the new year, now that the weather is heating up. - But see you dang guys all beat me to it !!
Got next week off & was supposed to be going to Giants Ridge in Mn skiing with the family.
If this weather keeps up I might have to stay home, cut 10 cord of wood & see if I can attract "the Monkey".
You would have to ask a scroatoligist about that, I am well schooled on the chafed buns but about the best I could do for scroat advice would probably have to do with shaving and orange juice concentrate...
Big guy, stong like ox, hairy like woolly mammoth, who was a swimming coach for the local club.
Used to hear the boys talking about his hairyness in the change rooms before training.
Anyway, he tells me that he & the missus, mutually decided to remove stuff from 'fore mentioned junk. She via beautician, he via razor. Deal was she'd getr done, but he had to match up.
Anyway, next week arrives & him into the change room, drops trou & junk protection, only to be met with mirth & OMFG comments reverberating around the open change room.
NO ORANGE JUICE CONCENTRATE WAS HARMED DURiNG THIS EXPERIMENT.
Probably need this after shaving your "junk" or azz!
Original Udder Balm There is nothing like it for soothing and moisturizing dry and cracked skin. No other bag balm or salve has the unique blend of ingredients found in Original Udder Balm.
Original Udder Balm helps provide a barrier against the effects of weather extremes&low humidity, hot or cold temperatures, and wind. Daily application also aids in soothing and softening chapped and irritated skin.
"Gimme 5 tasers, a pitbull, 4 dead wolves, a bucket of global warming, A roll of blue tape, a box of over penetrating bullets, one of these combs, a bottle of old harper and a tube of preperation H please..."
"Gimme 5 tasers, a pitbull, 4 dead wolves, a bucket of global warming, A roll of blue tape, a box of over penetrating bullets, one of these combs, a bottle of old harper and a tube of preperation H please..."
You forgot the [bleep], the chiggers, and a ka-boomed, frisbee-tested, used-as-a-club Glock...
good cops, bad cops, push feed, pre 64, remmy bolt handles, tika plastic, rusty stainless, seat belts and helmets... and my favorite.... sniper rifles.
My dog had a good case of monkey butt this spring. I suspect he had a minor anal gland impaction, which I tell ya what, puts the entire relationship in jeopardy. The choice is express and treat the anal glands or shoot the dog.
After careful consideration...I put the gun down.
The gawddang dawg better be my best friend from here on out and I insist he didn't tell his friends. Some things are best kept on the low-low.
In 2002 I got a severe case of blood poisoning at work (copper). It totaled out my liver (got transplant in 2005). Part of going through liver disease, is the worse case of diarrhea you could ever imagine, crapping 8 to 13 times a day for 9 months, and your ass starts bleeding at the sight of warm water dampened toilet paper.
For treatment they give you "Secura Skin Protective Cream"
I'm interested in the copper poisoning. I worked in a solder plant for 10 years. Nobody ever talked about copper exposure. How did you get dosed? What were the signs?
RE: Baboon Ass hot sauce-- I think that stuff was around back in 1998, and I ran afoul of it at a BBQ joint that opened near the house. That stuff was awesome!
I'm interested in the copper poisoning. I worked in a solder plant for 10 years. Nobody ever talked about copper exposure. How did you get dosed? What were the signs?
My father was a machinist, after WWII and he was diagnosed with : Aluminum poisoning. He could not have any aluminum in the house. Drank beer from tall brown ones.
He was taken in 58 in a MVA. I wonder what 'modern " medicine wold call it today..?
I went in for a liver biopsy once, and there was a girl just ahead of me that had aluminum poisoning.
I'll tell ya, it's no joke, heavy metal poisoning, resulting in liver disease is a very, very, very bad way to go. Takes a long painful time to die, and 70% die just because there are not enough livers for transplant. I was just very lucky....
Now..... Let's get back to "Baboon Ass". We don't want to mess up a great thread....
Should have a wet wipe dispensor in the out house.
That monkey be lurking this weekend.
We are voulnerable, with our camp diets and lack of running water.
I'm going to rig up an outside shower enclosure, The enclosure is for the bennifit of the rest of the camp. I don't care if I have an evclosure or not, I'll take a shower outside by hanging a shower bag from a tree limb. But I don't think the rest of the group wants to see that, so I'll rig something up.
I'm going to rig up an outside shower enclosure, The enclosure is for the bennifit of the rest of the camp. I don't care if I have an evclosure or not, I'll take a shower outside by hanging a shower bag from a tree limb. But I don't think the rest of the group wants to see that, so I'll rig something up.
Didn't need that mental pic this morning, ND!! Fortunately I have a good supply of visual cortex bleach with me today...
The damn monkey is trying to get me today. Of course eating most of a large bag of flaming hot Cheetos and drinking beer while doing the laundry last night might have something to do with it.
I been sprayin the bowl for about 4 days straight, kind of a flu thing I spose.. You think I'd learn to not eat spicy food when my guts is screwed up... But no...
Luckily I've found my way past the gyser ass I had going earlier this week, with no baboon troubles.
wow, I could chase jalapeno cheetos with ice cream, brilliant!!
Yeah, but in my Dad's case I think the orginal trigger was eating a bag of bad walnuts. Ice cream or not, if you go mixing jalapeno cheetos and bad walnuts be sure to wear a seatbelt.
wow, I could chase jalapeno cheetos with ice cream, brilliant!!
Yeah, but in my Dad's case I think the orginal trigger was eating a bag of bad walnuts. Ice cream or not, if you go mixing jalapeno cheetos and bad walnuts be sure to wear a seatbelt.
that's when those hand rails in the handi-cap [bleep] come in real handy.
If I eat ice cream, it's ice cream in, ice cream out, in about 15 minutes.
+1
I used to love Oreo cookie laden Blizzards, but for many years now they have turned right into Blowzzards. I'd keep after them if my job was torture testing for American Standard.
What sort of beer do you have with such a delicacy?
Variety pack last night: Paulaner and Sam Adams Oktoberfests, Sierra Nevada Tumbler brown ale, Pilsner Urquell, Sierra Nevada Torpedo Extra IPA.
I think I have some Sam A winter lager and some blue moon pumkin beers left from a variety pack earlier this week when i was trying to extinguish the baboon volcano.
What sort of beer do you have with such a delicacy?
Variety pack last night: Paulaner and Sam Adams Oktoberfests, Sierra Nevada Tumbler brown ale, Pilsner Urquell, Sierra Nevada Torpedo Extra IPA.
I think I have some Sam A winter lager and some blue moon pumkin beers left from a variety pack earlier this week when i was trying to extinguish the baboon volcano.
Dat might go good with some jalepeno cheese antelope salami....want me to to send you some?
What sort of beer do you have with such a delicacy?
Variety pack last night: Paulaner and Sam Adams Oktoberfests, Sierra Nevada Tumbler brown ale, Pilsner Urquell, Sierra Nevada Torpedo Extra IPA.
I think I have some Sam A winter lager and some blue moon pumkin beers left from a variety pack earlier this week when i was trying to extinguish the baboon volcano.
Dat might go good with some jalepeno cheese antelope salami....want me to to send you some?
Somehow this thread has to be made into a movie. Then be shown over and over in the month of November just like "It's a Wonderful Life" is in December. ND would have the starring role of course.
I had a lab that ate the better part of an old wool army blanket on the way to a duck hunting fiasco one year. She [bleep] out turds that looked like little stuffed beanie baby beavers for a week...
I had a lab that ate the better part of an old wool army blanket on the way to a duck hunting fiasco one year. She [bleep] out turds that looked like little stuffed beanie baby beavers for a week...
You are one bunch of sick dudes. I have never had the aliment or knew any one that did. That might say something right there. I couldn't stand to crack another rib by rereading any of the post.
Well Too Many Letters, I advise you...DO NOT DRINK ANYTHING or eat anything while reading. It will save your keyboard from the first and protect you from choking on the second. Blow yer schnoozle real good first too or ya just might be blowing snot out in large amounts!!!
no matter the environment I find it prudent to carry at the least a small flask of whiskey for snake bite, sometimes it's a gallon depending upon mode of transportation.
true I've never been snakebit here in AK, but I feel it's because of my cautionary nature by having my kit with me at all times when venturing outside.
a man can't afford to have a hunting trip ruined by snakebite, the KEY is to ingest the medicine before a snake gets you on a regular basis
baboon azz is another deal breaker
thus this post should be required reading for every nimrod
I see it as just another community service message brought to us by Northern Dave
may the snakes die of poisoning upon insertion of fang into you and may your azz always resemble a baby's instead of a baboon
Well Too Many Letters, I advise you...DO NOT DRINK ANYTHING or eat anything while reading. It will save your keyboard from the first and protect you from choking on the second. Blow yer schnoozle real good first too or ya just might be blowing snot out in large amounts!!!
TOO LATE! You should have posted this warning on page #1! I've already had to wipe coffee of of several surfaces!
several years ago, I was underage and buying beer when asked for my ID i said i can't carry a wallet right now do to baboon ass, i had my cash in wedged in the pocket clip of my knife so that i looked legit, the clerk said nobody would make that up and sold me the beer.
I was wondering when this was going to be resurrected. I still get uncontrollable giggles when ever it raises it's ugly head not that I would ever contribute to such madness.
About a month ago the wife wrapped up both a Men's and a Ladies Baboon Ass Powder presented it to a worthy Member of our Ham Radio Club as a gag gift at our monthly brunch at Seven Cedars Casino.
The recipient was a very prime and proper WWII Bomber Pilot and Ex Prisoner of War.
Heaved upwards from the depths, resurrected for the new guy who asks if I want his address so I can come and stab him in his sleep..
(he really can't be all that bad with a line like that)
Volly to the top for new member "sleeper" so he doesn't think we are all just a bunch of ten year old boys that like to laugh at the word "poop" (we're actually much older than ten)
Volly to the top for new member "sleeper" so he doesn't think we are all just a bunch of ten year old boys that like to laugh at the word "poop" (we're actually much older than ten)
We may be older than 10 but we still laugh at the word poop.
Now if I could just figger out the perfect underwear to prevent sack/taint chafing.
Something between nut huggers and "balls gone wild" oh chit.... here we go again...
I use Underarmour boxer briefs, compression shorts. I have a bad case of goat balls though, for a 35 year old. Buy them a size big, and they won't give you a headache.
Guys look at me funny in camp later though, when I walk around naked from the waist down... I usually just ask "who sleeps with their mouth open?" That kills two birds with one stone... I gaurantee that I'm asleep and snoring before they are
damnit, i read through the thread again, chuckled, and got to the goat balls, and then the picture, now I have beer in the keyboard, and all over the screen. Damn Laptops...
+2 on boxer breifs, the stretch and hug but the don't strangle, and yes buy a size bigger
Good advice.
Also consider using some quality talcum powder to derail the garbage ball syndrome. Using too much will cause dough balls which are very uncomfortable.
Scent free baby wipes need to be in every hunters pack!! They are a miracle. Use every time you go to keep that fresh feeling. They work nicely to clean your hands and your face with also, of course not at the same time as the other area, or with the same cloth, plus they are biodegradeable. Keep a couple sandwhich ziplock bags of them in your pack and you are set.
I wrangled on the Alamo movie back in 2002. They did the final filming in Bastrop in June with the weather peaking at 101 and 99% humidity. I had to wear a mexican army uniform for a couple weeks and in that weather it will cause a fungus to grow in unnatural places on your body. I am a great fan of wool but not in that weather. I went commando for a week or so to see if that helped, all to no avail. Two showers a day and gold bond powder were not working. When the job ended and i got back to the good old dry heat of Az i healed right up.
Gold Bond is your ticket. When I played professional softball every guy on every team had some in his bat bag. Playing most every weekend from May until mid September it was a must. Especially if you get in the losers bracket on a Saturday and have to play 5-6 games in 90+ temps plus I was a third baseman and had to wear a cup/athletic supporter. I never had a problem as long as I had Gold Bond. I still use it now especially in the summer.
+2 on boxer breifs, the stretch and hug but the don't strangle, and yes buy a size bigger
Good advice.
Also consider using some quality talcum powder to derail the garbage ball syndrome. Using too much will cause dough balls which are very uncomfortable.
It is deer season, some could benefit from the collective knowledge of the campfire on this delicate topic.
yep, time to head off to the great woods.. spend a week drinkin with smelly old men.. No one baths or wastes water for any such folly.
Tromp out into the frosty morning and sit in a frozen tree until a dink wanders by. Blast it's brains out and then drag the 500 pound monster back to camp after the day has warmed up to 80 degrees!
I have no experience with baboon ass, or goat balls, gold bond or any of this other chitt. Leaving all this to the experienced experts.
Ingwe....what web sites have you been...er, no, don't tell me. Don't want to know, but suggest you not go back. Is that 'boon staring at your Poobah turban?
no, sorry. You are right again, but I know what works for me. I'll pass on reading 60 pages on a case of monkey ass.
Then it's your loss as there's some pretty sage information in this thread guaranteed to make cry laughing so hard. It's classic as we have some pretty sick individuals around here that frequent this place
no, sorry. You are right again, but I know what works for me. I'll pass on reading 60 pages on a case of monkey ass.
you should stop reading IMMEDIATELY, there is NO cure for uptightassholeness, the rest of the world will laugh at your expense. The snickering you hear in the background is completely normal for your condition. Trust me......I doubt I am a doctor....
Can't help it Les, I'm not at home I'm in Elk Camp in SW Washington.
I don't have to worry about Baboon Butt as I'm staying in a nice warm farm house and have access to a hot shower every day, the Internet, and satellite TV with all the comforts of home. I'm really roughing it down here we even had a herd of Elk in the fields on opening morning. We had a 13 year boy take a 5x4 Rag Horn bull out of that herd and two others take cows out of the herd, they had cow tags.. I'm having a real nice vacation away from the wife.
My Dad, God bless him, my brother, and I were pheasant hunting in Kansas years ago. We stayed and received royal treatment at the home of one of Dad's submarine pards and his wife, Sam and Erma.
Sam and Erma had spent 10-years in Africa after the war, so the day before we left Erma whipped up some "African curry". I can't vouch for the authenticity of the meal, but I can vouch for Dad bragging that he crapped in four states on the way home the next day.
One of our pit stops in Missouri was a tiny gas station. Dad stayed in the truck at first while brother and I gassed up and stretched our legs. We also got to listen to an old gal complain about her doddering husband and how he had just ruined his new jacket. It seems he had suddenly become ablaze while burning the garden...
Anyhoo, Dad followed us into the gas station, and after rummaging through the meager inventory, produces the largest tub of vaseline known to man. I couldn't believe it - the tiny station had a few packs of smokes, a few scattered candy bars, and a huge tub of vaseline. Dad thunks the vaseline down on the counter, pays for it, and asks the young lady clerk where the bathroom is. The clerk points to a curtain about 3-feet away. Dad tucks the tub under his arm like a football and ducks through the curtain...
Brother and I paid for the gas and hustled through the exit, but not before we heard a P51 Mustang fire up its engine behind that curtain. The clerk just put her hands over her face and muttered, "Oh, my...".
After we all loaded into the truck and started down the road Dad broke the silence saying, "Well, only two states left to go."
One of the best...I had tears rolling and my sides hurt from laughing
It's appropriate that this thread comes to life once again, and provide a forum for another delicate issue I've been pondering...
A month or so ago I crunched a disk in my neck - I stepped in a hole pheasant hunting. I'm on the mend, but those that have BTDT will attest to the flaming nerve shooters down the arm and hand are less than fun. Having my shoulder hang a certain way was the biggest offender, and regrettably, my shoulder would hang in precisely that fashion whilst perched on a toilet seat.
Short of crapping my pants, hovering was the only option.
Hovering isn't as easy as it sounds. A certain appendage served admirably as a makeshift bomb sight, but if the bathroom was cold in the morning the triangulation would change and all bets were off. However, I have become quite skilled at the maneuver and I like my chances if any competition or Olympic event garner any interest. I check ESPN and the like once in a while, but so far no cookie.
So despite my improving condition, my question to the forum is whether or not I should continue practicing? I might even increase the challenge by hauling a ladder into the bathroom. It would seem a shame to let such an acquired skill fade.
It's appropriate that this thread comes to life once again, and provide a forum for another delicate issue I've been pondering...
A month or so ago I crunched a disk in my neck - I stepped in a hole pheasant hunting. I'm on the mend, but those that have BTDT will attest to the flaming nerve shooters down the arm and hand are less than fun. Having my shoulder hang a certain way was the biggest offender, and regrettably, my shoulder would hang in precisely that fashion whilst perched on a toilet seat.
Short of crapping my pants, hovering was the only option.
Hovering isn't as easy as it sounds. A certain appendage served admirably as a makeshift bomb sight, but if the bathroom was cold in the morning the triangulation would change and all bets were off. However, I have become quite skilled at the maneuver and I like my chances if any competition or Olympic event garner any interest. I check ESPN and the like once in a while, but so far no cookie.
So despite my improving condition, my question to the forum is whether or not I should continue practicing? I might even increase the challenge by hauling a ladder into the bathroom. It would seem a shame to let such an acquired skill fade.
Hey JOG, are you married? Couldnt you just have the wife help you by holding you up and then wipin......nah, bad idea. Especially if she has a sense of humor.
At the construction sites, its the only way to hit the head, but you need to make sure the buffet wasn't recently cleaned otherwise the splash back will give you "blue-ass"
Hey JOG, are you married? Couldnt you just have the wife help you by holding you up and then wipin......nah, bad idea. Especially if she has a sense of humor.
As Gus said in Lonesome Dove, "There's certain things my vanity won't abide."
Of course he was talking about getting a leg sawed off, but still...
No. Now that he's backwards and can rest his elbows on the tank, avoiding the nerve pinching dangle, he no longer has to hover.
I tried that, and while the geometry worked, I couldn't get up. With one mostly useless arm I'd end up with one elbow on the tank with my face mashed against the wall.
Besides, I wouldn't have developed my new skill of crapping in a Dixie cup off the roof.
Dave, At the construction sites, its the only way to hit the head, but you need to make sure the buffet wasn't recently cleaned otherwise the splash back will give you "blue-ass"
Dave, At the construction sites, its the only way to hit the head, but you need to make sure the buffet wasn't recently cleaned otherwise the splash back will give you "blue-ass"
And the best way to fix that is with this stuff called "corona ointment"
Fix that little monkey right up.
I dropped some off at whitebear's place on my way to camp. They got them a baby over there now and the little feller got the baboon ass.
18 years ago when me and Pam started raising chillens we had an old granny tell us we need corona ointment for diaper rash. We used it on all 3 of our little baboons and the stuff works like nothing else.
I can't believe with all this information in this thread we haven't talked about baby baboon asses.
Can be found on the same shelf in stores I think but the original corona ointment with it's odd strong smell is the shizzle for baby sizzle.
Not sure why, but the stuff is a miracle.
Last night I found it in a walmart store. I couldn't find it on the shelf so I asked at rx counter and they had it right there behind the counter next to some "udder" baby rash items.
Can be found on the same shelf in stores I think but the original corona ointment with it's odd strong smell is the shizzle for baby sizzle.
Not sure why, but the stuff is a miracle.
Last night I found it in a walmart store. I couldn't find it on the shelf so I asked at rx counter and they had it right there behind the counter next to some "udder" baby rash items.
Most feed/farm stores carry it too. right next to the green cans of Bag Balm which is also miraculous stuff. I dunno how it'd work on baboon azz but it'll heal up cuts and scrapes pretty well and works great on your hands in the winter when they start to dry out and crack.
So if it works on cracked hands it should work on cracked asses.
Can be found on the same shelf in stores I think but the original corona ointment with it's odd strong smell is the shizzle for baby sizzle.
Not sure why, but the stuff is a miracle.
Last night I found it in a walmart store. I couldn't find it on the shelf so I asked at rx counter and they had it right there behind the counter next to some "udder" baby rash items.
Corona onintment is still around, but the formula was changed some years back according to my old pharmacyst. According to him, the original that Dave is talking about comtained a small amount of Mercury.
When I joined the 'fire', I was told it was required reading... and someone said there would/should be a test on the subject!
Should new members be required to try the different ointments, powders, pastes, herbs, lotions, etc... and report the results to the other members?
Of course, they must first have a verified case of the BA, before applying the remedy. Only then, can the 'fire' members be confident the reports will be truly accurate.
Who should be recommended to check the new members and verify they have a case of the BA???
How the hell did I miss this thread before? Anti-monkey butt powder is one of the greatest inventions ever created by mankind. About a month ago, I had some spicy thai food, and when the waitress asked how spicy I wanted it, I said "really spicy". WRONG DAMN MOVE! I thought I was going to die getting it down, and the next day I thought I was going to die with it coming out the other end. I was in tears it hurt so bad. Once the evacuation was complete, I took an ice cold shower, and then applied so much monkey butt powder it looked like I had a year's supply of Columbia's largest export bursting from my boxers. Kept that up for a few days, and was good as new.
Shoulda known better than to ask for really spicy food from a thai place, but sometimes you just have to pee on the electric fence and see what happens.
Funny. Down the local hardware store, they sell canned peanuts at the registers. They are famous for it. I went in this week, and they had big stacks of anti monkey butt and "baby" anti monkey butt powder at the registers. Interesting how much monkey butt there must be going around. I never realized how many people are going through life with sore azzes at any given time. I figure by now with what I eat, my butt has probably got to resemble a jet engine. Vietnamese food last night. No problem. Now Cambodian Nam Ya soup! It's so spicy, it stains the bowl red. I swear you could de worm your dog with a teaspoon of that stuff. Do it outside though!
Well, whatever you do, do NOT mix up the denture adhesive powder with the Anti-Monkey Butt powder..................... You'll get locked up tighter than a tick.....
After recentely recovering from a very painful and humiliating brush with B/A, I thought I'd share what I learned.
We hunt blacktail deer here in Northern California in the sweltering heat. Add in near vertical mountains and perspiration that rivals a Bill Clinton testimonial and you have a perfect recipe for the dreaded Baboon Ass.
I contracted a severe case a few weeks back that included a rash under my sac-rilliac to boot.
I was a hurtin unit.
When I got home I tore through the medicine chest lookin for a tube of Neosporin antibiotical creme, thinking that might cool the flames.
NONE TO BE FOUND!
Wifey asks me what the hell I'm tearing through the bathroom lookin for and after a very personal and thoroughly disgusting examination, diagnosed my ailment and suggested treatment based on supply.
Town is a half hour away, she looked at the available remedies and with a smirk on her face recommended this.....
I'll be damned, that stuff was incredible. Overnight I was ready to hit the hills again, no rash, no burn, no yeasty funk.....amazing!
I do however seem to have an insatiable appetite for wine spritzers and Oprah reruns...
After recentely recovering from a very painful and humiliating brush with B/A, I thought I'd share what I learned.
We hunt blacktail deer here in Northern California in the sweltering heat. Add in near vertical mountains and perspiration that rivals a Bill Clinton testimonial and you have a perfect recipe for the dreaded Baboon Ass.
I contracted a severe case a few weeks back that included a rash under my sac-rilliac to boot.
I was a hurtin unit.
When I got home I tore through the medicine chest lookin for a tube of Neosporin antibiotical creme, thinking that might cool the flames.
NONE TO BE FOUND!
Wifey asks me what the hell I'm tearing through the bathroom lookin for and after a very personal and thoroughly disgusting examination, diagnosed my ailment and suggested treatment based on supply.
Town is a half hour away, she looked at the available remedies and with a smirk on her face recommended this.....
I'll be damned, that stuff was incredible. Overnight I was ready to hit the hills again, no rash, no burn, no yeasty funk.....amazing!
I do however seem to have an insatiable appetite for wine spritzers and Oprah reruns...
Quoting this quickly before you retract the confession.
Bringing t back to the top, this thread reminded me of this best of craigslist gem;
WARNING!!! Don't Shave That Hair!!! I have recently made a mistake in my life, and I offer my story to you, that you may learn from my error. It all started, as many things do, with me having trouble [bleep].
No, I was not constipated; this was not a regularity problem but a matter of technique. It seems my ass-hair had grown to such a length that tiny grogans were constantly getting tied up in the matted jungle between my asscheeks. It led to much frustration, with me KNOWING that I still had something to drop, but unable to shake the tenacious turd loose from its butthair dwelling. Eventually I would have to do two things: either reach down with some paper and try to pinch off the lingering loaf (which required careful precision to avoid smearing the creature all over my rear, especially since I had no way of seeing what I was doing) or just go for broke, start wiping, and hope that I could remove all the leftover fecal matter before the toilet paper reached its Can't-Be-Flushed threshold.
I was contemplating this problem, when I had what seemed at the time to be a bright idea. "Hey! This is my butt and my butt-hair, right? So why don't I just eliminate all the hair, and then my grogans will flow out like beer from a keg!" I said to myself. It is a statement that will go down in history with a lot of other regretted statements. "How many Indians could there be?" said by General Custer. "Looks like a good day for a drive!" by JFK. "There! America On-Line now has complete Usenet access!" by some idiot system tech. Such was my anal shaving idea.
I performed the operation that night, with a cheap disposable razor and a towel to sit on. Starting from the bottom, and shaving from the crack to the cheeks, I began the arduous process of ridding my ass of hair. Occassionally, I would have to clean the razor of accumulated hair and miscellaneous slime, which I did by wiping it on the towel. Slowly, my twin mounds and the between-ravine began to resemble the hairless cheeks of a newborn baby. Finally, I wiped the razor one last time, and surveyed my work. The towel was covered with a pile of hair. My ass was smooth as ivory. I smiled, satisfied, thinking my troubles were over.
Little did I know.
I now have a great respect for anal-hair. Like everything in this world God created, it has its mighty purpose in existence. It was only after I had removed it that I started to learn how much I had been taking it for granted. For one, it provides friction. I learned this the next day, when I walked out into the sun heading for class. After climbing two flights of stairs and starting to sweat, I started to notice something unpleasant. The sweat was accumulating in my crack, and was causing the unpleasant sensation of my two asscheeks sliding past each other with every step. I thought about going to the bathroom and wiping it off, but had to get to class. Eventually, I thought, it would dry.
Unfortunately, it did dry, but only after mingling with the microscopic [bleep]- molecules lingering around my brown starfish. When I stood up after class, my cheeks were stuck together with a slimy sticky [bleep]/sweat combination. As I made my way back to my dorm, it started to itch. God-DAMN, did it itch! Felt like a swarm of ants was making its way up and down my crack. Fighting to keep from jamming my hand down there and scratching away, I rushed back to the dorm.
Unfortunately again, this exertion caused me to sweat, and when I finally reached my room, my cheeks were sliding back and forth against each other like a pair of horny cane-toads. I quickly dropped my pants, and attempted to dry my ass off by sticking it in front of a fan and spreading my cheeks. As I pulled the two mounds of flesh apart, a horrible stench burst free and filled the room. Every dog within a 4 block radius started to howl. I had it worst of all, as the ripe aroma of festering [bleep]/sweat went into the fan and blew back into my face. I fought to keep from heaving. And as I sat there, fighting vomit, my ass cheeks spread and dripping, with the concentrated aroma of my body odor mixed with the tangy smell of my own [bleep] blowing right into my face, I had only one thought: "It will be like this until the hair grows back. Weeks."
Later on, trying to deal as best I could, wiping my ass at every opportunity, I discovered another wonderful use for ass-hair - ventilation. I attempted to launch a fart, only to have it get stuck between my asscheeks. Apparently, with no hair, the two pink twins can get vacuum sealed together, and the result was a frustrating fart that slid up and down between my cheeks like a lost gerbil.
As if that wasn't enough, I am now enduring further torture. As anyone who has ever shaved anything knows, when hair is first growing in, it comes in as stubble. Imagine your ass having the texture of a brillo pad. Well, that is what I am dealing with now. It is a hellish torture, and there are many times when I just look out the window and contemplate why I shouldn't just jump out and get it all over with in one fleshy splat, rather than endure this constant agony.
Let me see; 70 plus pages of the rugged outdoorsy type comparing manbutt suave, baum, lubricate, manscape vs. trying to rail some effort against commie idiots ruining our country.
Let me see; 70 plus pages of the rugged outdoorsy type comparing manbutt suave, baum, lubricate, manscape vs. trying to rail some effort against commie idiots ruining our country.
Let me see; 70 plus pages of the rugged outdoorsy type comparing manbutt suave, baum, lubricate, manscape vs. trying to rail some effort against commie idiots ruining our country.
Let me see; 70 plus pages of the rugged outdoorsy type comparing manbutt suave, baum, lubricate, manscape vs. trying to rail some effort against commie idiots ruining our country.
I'm gonna go with politics for a hundred alex.
Who da guy wit a stick up his azz eh?
uninformed member without a sense of humor apparently....
wahunter, you are some comedian. Awesome use of the written word to paint some not so pretty pictures! I'm on the 'puter (I would normally use the word "'pooter" but decided against it due to the topic of this thread) LMFAO and my wife asked me "what's so funny?" She wouldn't understand so I just had to tell her that she wouldn't and "changed the channel"
BTW, baby wipes; they're for what ails your a$$ in the mountains. BTDT
Let me see; 70 plus pages of the rugged outdoorsy type comparing manbutt suave, baum, lubricate, manscape vs. trying to rail some effort against commie idiots ruining our country.
I'm gonna go with politics for a hundred alex.
Who da guy wit a stick up his azz eh?
uninformed member without a sense of humor apparently....
He doesn't have a stick in his azz. He is the stick in the azz
Let me see; 70 plus pages of the rugged outdoorsy type comparing manbutt suave, baum, lubricate, manscape vs. trying to rail some effort against commie idiots ruining our country.
I'm gonna go with politics for a hundred alex.
Who da guy wit a stick up his azz eh?
uninformed member without a sense of humor apparently....
Reminds me of the teacher asking, "Ok, who's the wise guy with the two black balls."
Grandpa was a strong believer Kerosene... Supposedly cured everything from sour stomach to head lice.
Might give it a good dousing...
I remember reading about some guy in England with hemorrhoids (try spelling that without looking it up, lie that you could do it if it makes you feel better). He and his brother decided that a kerosene douse was the answer. They also concluded that igniting the kerosene would be of benefit. I don't know if they actually got the kerosene to light, but at the least, all of the hair within the general area flashed off.
I haven't devoted enough time to this instructional topic to study each post. Has anyone mentioned the M.A.S.H. episode where Margaret has prickly heat on her beyond? (Those who watched a lot of the series will recognize the aalute to Ignatzio with that last word. I know at least one member who will get it.)
Remember once the ambulance crew brought a new emt. Bad bad crash. Full decap. The FNG was scrambling. Getting in everyones way so i sent him to start rescue breaths----guess on which patient?
This is still one of the best threads to ever appear on this site. It rates right up there alongside of the AR-15 thread that also appeared here sometime ago in another form here.
Agreed. Periodic resurrection of the Baboon Ass thread is good for the general welfare and mental health of thi 24HCF community at large, in my professional opinion!!!
Agreed. Periodic resurrection of the Baboon Ass thread is good for the general welfare and mental health of thi 24HCF community at large, in my professional opinion!!!
Absolutely! I even know of one specific case...
I happened to point out the Baboon Ass thread to Miss Lynn, and later found that (by chance) this happened to be at what was a trying time for her.
She said that she got quite a lift from from the thread -- although she also said that reading it reduced the productivity of her and her employees for at least a full working day!
Anyway, thanks to all the truly warped people who helped raise this thread to a new level of humour!
what's the best way to fight this evil infliction??
It happens you know, climbing mountains with a pack on your back, rifle slung over your shoulder, eating man food for a week, drinking the fire water...
out at elk camp, putting some miles on, lots of walking.....
baboon ass, it happens folks, it's real.
so what's the best thing to carry along on a pack trip to battle this delicate condition?
Agreed. Periodic resurrection of the Baboon Ass thread is good for the general welfare and mental health of thi 24HCF community at large, in my professional opinion!!!
Absolutely! I even know of one specific case...
I happened to point out the Baboon Ass thread to Miss Lynn, and later found that (by chance) this happened to be at what was a trying time for her.
She said that she got quite a lift from from the thread -- although she also said that reading it reduced the productivity of her and her employees for at least a full working day!
Anyway, thanks to all the truly warped people who helped raise this thread to a new level of humour!
John
That was the most unproductive day I ever paid employees for, not one stitch of work was done that day. But it proved to be the best day we ever spent together in that office. Everyone stayed long past closing time, and still to this day we talk about it. Each one of them printed off copies of the thread to take home with them, and share family and friends.
It is the best thread I have ever encountered on any of the many forums I belong to. The original and subsequent authors should be honoured for such a unique and uproariously hilarious contribution to the literary world. I take my hat off to them !
That was the most unproductive day I ever paid employees for, not one stitch of work was done that day. But it proved to be the best day we ever spent together in that office. Everyone stayed long past closing time, and still to this day we talk about it. Each one of them printed off copies of the thread to take home with them, and share family and friends.
It is the best thread I have ever encountered on any of the many forums I belong to. The original and subsequent authors should be honoured for such a unique and uproariously hilarious contribution to the literary world. I take my hat off to them !
Thanks for posting, Miss Lynn. You made my day!
After I posted, I started to worry that my memory was faulty and I thought about deleting my post.
Good to see that my recollection wasn't too far off after all!
Zinc oxide is the major ingredient in the aforementioned Boudreau's Butt Paste. It is a very effective cure/ preventative for the hideous affliction that seems to afflict many of us who hike in the outdoors or whose colon is occasionally given to violent eruptions.
It can be found in the diaper rash section of your local pharmacy.
Desitin Cream, purple top. Best thing for little tiny infant babies' baboon's butt's... also may be used by older primates with similar problem's... or so I've heard
Desitin Cream, purple top. Best thing for little tiny infant babies' baboon's butt's... also may be used by older primates with similar problem's... or so I've heard
You'll find out who your friends are real quick if you ask for application help....
I usually like to hunt the later seasons so there's usually snow on the ground, and I have "never" found anything that relieves what pains ya down there as a couple handfuls of soft clean snow! True story.
This is one of my favorite threads ever. I just finally finished rereading the whole thing and thoroughly enjoyed it. Thanks for dragging this old thread up!
Hey, when ya make your platoon do 2 12 mile roadmarches a month, ya learn what keeps that crap away. Ya don't wanna let the Joes see ya suckin', plus everyone knows Engineers secretly wear pantyhose for the same reason.
Gosh, it GREAT to see your post. Glad you're still OK and rest easy,you have NOT been forgotten!!!!!!!!!!!!! STAY SAFE........
Such an important topic deserves another answer. I may have answered this before, but I'm not going through 38 pages to see.
Having suffered this malady on occasion, I can attest to the efficacy of good, old fashioned, Argo Corn Starch. Guaranteed to cure the red ass(hole), chaffed crotch or the real killer: skinless between the toes. Works best overnight since you're too damn sore to keep on moving anyways.
Corn starch should be found next to the band aids we all carry in our kits. After cleaning the affected area, pat corn starch on dry.
I won't bore you further with notes on the necessity of scrupulous hygiene.
By tomorrow night, there is going to be an epidemic of baboon ass sweeping the country. The only question is which 50%-1 of the population is going to have it...
By tomorrow night, there is going to be an epidemic of baboon ass sweeping the country. The only question is which 50%-1 of the population is going to have it...
You've gotten a decades long head start. Congratulations?
I read this thread some time back and I think the cure is somewhere back there but, if not, do as we have done for a long time now and that is take the Argo Corn Starch out of the kitchen and put it in the bathroom. Use liberal amounts where you be sore and you soon be well.
Never experienced B/A as its described, I think. When I was a kid I got galded, and my mother recommended white vinegar. Yes she is pre WWII, rough and tough. It burned like hell was on both thighs burning my knuts. To this day, if they start getting a little sore, I break out the vinegar. After 2 or three minutes you can breath pretty normal, next morning your good to go.
what's the best way to fight this evil infliction??
I lost my sense of taste and smell several years ago. As a result, I eat a lot of spicy food & get a fair share of jungle butt. Zinc oxide cream works every time and fast!
Zinc oxide topical (for the skin) is used to treat diaper rash, minor burns, severely chapped skin, or other minor skin irritations.
Zinc oxide rectal suppositories are used to treat itching, burning, irritation, and other rectal discomfort caused by hemorrhoids or painful bowel movements.
Never experienced B/A as its described, I think. When I was a kid I got galded, and my mother recommended white vinegar. Yes she is pre WWII, rough and tough. It burned like hell was on both thighs burning my knuts. To this day, if they start getting a little sore, I break out the vinegar. After 2 or three minutes you can breath pretty normal, next morning your good to go.
There was probably medicine for that....Ever think maybe you mom just didn't like you.?
Never experienced B/A as its described, I think. When I was a kid I got galded, and my mother recommended white vinegar. Yes she is pre WWII, rough and tough. It burned like hell was on both thighs burning my knuts. To this day, if they start getting a little sore, I break out the vinegar. After 2 or three minutes you can breath pretty normal, next morning your good to go.
There was probably medicine for that....Ever think maybe you mom just didn't like you.?
Reading through some of the earliest posts on this thread I realized there are some pretty funny dudes on this campfire.................or perhaps they're not funny, it's just the nature of hunting and fishing trip that brings out the best in humorous stories.
And I noticed by looking to see when some of the early posters last posts were made that we've got quite a number that no longer grace us with their presence and humor. I'm hoping it's by choice and not demise, although I know of a few who visit rarely because of the tone of some posts.
For what it's worth, I buy Dollar Store "body powder" and mix it with corn starch, 1:3 ration or so. Cuts that "minty" burn from the menthol and keeps things dry. I have saved up enough of the containers to buy a couple of boxes of corn starch, lift the lids on the containers, split the new body powder into 3 containers, add the cornstarch, and put the lids back on. Now, for about the price of one can of Gold Bond, I've got three of my own mix. (no, I'm not Scottish....that I know of)
For hunting, I've done the same with a personal size duster of baby powder, just pry the lid off and fill with my favorite blend. I don't like smelling like I'm a toddler.
In an emergency, I learned a long long time ago backpacking in the Sierras, that Chap Stick works too, just remember to take it off the tube with your finger before applying to ass, not directly from the tube.................you may need it for the lips on your facial cheeks later.
Reading through some of the earliest posts on this thread I realized there are some pretty funny dudes on this campfire.................or perhaps they're not funny, it's just the nature of hunting and fishing trip that brings out the best in humorous stories.
And I noticed by looking to see when some of the early posters last posts were made that we've got quite a number that no longer grace us with their presence and humor. I'm hoping it's by choice and not demise, although I know of a few who visit rarely because of the tone of some posts.
For what it's worth, I buy Dollar Store "body powder" and mix it with corn starch, 1:3 ration or so. Cuts that "minty" burn from the menthol and keeps things dry. I have saved up enough of the containers to buy a couple of boxes of corn starch, lift the lids on the containers, split the new body powder into 3 containers, add the cornstarch, and put the lids back on. Now, for about the price of one can of Gold Bond, I've got three of my own mix. (no, I'm not Scottish....that I know of)
For hunting, I've done the same with a personal size duster of baby powder, just pry the lid off and fill with my favorite blend. I don't like smelling like I'm a toddler.
In an emergency, I learned a long long time ago backpacking in the Sierras, that Chap Stick works too, just remember to take it off the tube with your finger before applying to ass, not directly from the tube.................you may need it for the lips on your facial cheeks later.
Geno
That ought to make a fine gravy if you get the munchies along your trek.
Dave. take you a small jar of mentholatum and grease up before you go out. Don't worry about the smell since it will be under your drawers and pants. Just wash your hands good after applying. Works great. powdr
Let’s not be hijacking a classic humor thread with pics of skanks, gentlemen! Take that s h I t to the basement... start a new thread with the 223AI theme. Maybe call it the 458AI thread...
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The mental pictures this question has conjured up has made my breakfast churn like a cement mixer. 
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That is so bad!!!!! 
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Heh heh he. Wait'll ya eat some raw elk meat![[Linked Image]](http://i6.photobucket.com/albums/y222/EvilTwinMar/Nutz.gif)
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Right there Treadhead ![[Linked Image]](http://i150.photobucket.com/albums/s93/zodiakgsps/Jokes/Baboon-Ass_20101209184304_reg.png)
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