Home Forums Hunting & Shooting Hunter's Campfire A delicate topic, "baboon ass"

First thought that came to me when I read that post as well

Rog, I need to relate this experience to you, Read it, learn it, Love it.

Don't Shave That Hair!!!
I have recently made a mistake in my life, and I offer my story to you, that you may learn from my error. It all started, as many things do, with me having trouble pooping.

No, I was not constipated; this was not a regularity problem but a matter of technique. It seems my butt-hair had grown to such a length that tiny grogans were constantly getting tied up in the matted jungle between my buttcheeks. It led to much frustration, with me KNOWING that I still had something to drop, but unable to shake the tenacious turd loose from its butthair dwelling. Eventually I would have to do two things: either reach down with some paper and try to pinch off the lingering loaf (which required careful precision to avoid smearing the creature all over my rear, especially since I had no way of seeing what I was doing) or just go for broke, start wiping, and hope that I could remove all the leftover fecal matter before the toilet paper reached its Can't-Be-Flushed threshold.

I was contemplating this problem, when I had what seemed at the time to be a bright idea. "Hey! This is my butt and my butt-hair, right? So why don't I just eliminate all the hair, and then my grogans will flow out like beer from a keg!" I said to myself. It is a statement that will go down in history with a lot of other regretted statements. "How many Indians could there be?" said by General Custer. "Looks like a good day for a drive!" by JFK. "There! America On-Line now has complete Usenet access!" by some idiot system tech. Such was my anal shaving idea.

I performed the operation that night, with a cheap disposable razor and a towel to sit on. Starting from the bottom, and shaving from the crack to the cheeks, I began the arduous process of ridding my butt of hair. Occbuttionally, I would have to clean the razor of accumulated hair and miscellaneous slime, which I did by wiping it on the towel. Slowly, my twin mounds and the between-ravine began to resemble the hairless cheeks of a newborn baby. Finally, I wiped the razor one last time, and surveyed my work. The towel was covered with a pile of hair. My butt was smooth as ivory. I smiled, satisfied, thinking my troubles were over.

Little did I know.

I now have a great respect for anal-hair. Like everything in this world God created, it has its mighty purpose in existence. It was only after I had removed it that I started to learn how much I had been taking it for granted. For one, it provides friction. I learned this the next day, when I walked out into the sun heading for class. After climbing two flights of stairs and starting to sweat, I started to notice something unpleasant. The sweat was accumulating in my crack, and was causing the unpleasant sensation of my two ascheeks sliding past each other with every step. I thought about going to the bathroom and wiping it off, but had to get to clbutt. Eventually, I thought, it would dry.

Unfortunately, it did dry, but only after mingling with the microscopic poop- molecules lingering around my brown starfish. When I stood up after clbutt, my cheeks were stuck together with a slimy sticky poop/sweat combination. As I made my way back to my dorm, it started to itch. HOT-DAMN, did it itch! Felt like a swarm of ants was making its way up and down my crack. Fighting to keep from jamming my hand down there and scratching away, I rushed back to the dorm.

Unfortunately again, this exertion caused me to sweat, and when I finally reached my room, my cheeks were sliding back and forth against each other like a pair of horny cane-toads. I quickly dropped my pants, and attempted to dry my butt off by sticking it in front of a fan and spreading my cheeks. As I pulled the two mounds of flesh apart, a horrible stench burst free and filled the room. Every dog within a 4 block radius started to howl. I had it worst of all, as the ripe aroma of festering poop/sweat went into the fan and blew back into my face. I fought to keep from heaving. And as I sat there, fighting vomit, my butt cheeks spread and dripping, with the concentrated aroma of my body odor mixed with the tangy smell of my own poop blowing right into my face, I had only one thought: "It will be like this until the hair grows back. Weeks."

Later on, trying to deal as best I could, wiping my butt at every opportunity, I discovered another wonderful use for butt-hair - ventilation. I attempted to launch a fart, only to have it get stuck between my buttcheeks. Apparently, with no hair, the two pink twins can get vacuum sealed together, and the result was a frustrating fart that slid up and down between my cheeks like a lost gerbil.

As if that wasn't enough, I am now enduring further torture. As anyone who has ever shaved anything knows, when hair is first growing in, it comes in as stubble. Imagine your butt having the texture of a brillo pad. Well, that is what I am dealing with now. It is a hellish torture, and there are many times when I just look out the window and contemplate why I shouldn't just jump out and get it all over with in one fleshy splat, rather than endure this constant agony.

Friends, DON'T SHAVE YOUR BUTT-HAIR!

Oh it's too late....

Rog, way to go new guy, way to go....

Invoking the Demons will do that!!

I do it outta Love Dave, love for all my campfire buddies.

it was only a matter of time before the baboon & the shaved ass became one.

it was inevitable.

I knew as soon as I saw him say shave it, I knew what was coming.
oh, Les apparently I forgot my floatie at your place, its actually daves, just send it back to him

Dave left his too.

he has two of them?

that's Bart's floatie...

I'm gonna pm the floatie to Rick and see if it his.

Les quit trying to pass of that floatie as someone elses. We all know it is yours!

Dammit, you must have gotten yer power back on. How were the storms last night? Les

We had round 2 but it wasn't as bad. No twister this time.

Why oh why do you guys encourage Les?

When my buddy Brandon when to the E-5 board (Sgt) He was asked by the CSM of our batalion why he felt retention was low. He said "Sergeant MAjor, have you ever had monkey butt?" CSM- well yeah, we all have what's yer point? "Well did you ever have it before youo joined the army?" He was dismissed from the board.

Beaudreux's butt paste.

As a soldier whose job involves alot of walking far, and laying up long- without many showers or amenities I have become a coniseur of the various baby wipes on the market, particualrly those which don't sting like fire when applied to monkey butt, and also of the various creams pastes and powders. My son (now 5.5) benefitted greatly from this knowledge while he was in diapers.
Beaudreux's (he just sent me a tube) and A&D ointment is where it's at. Powder to keep it dry during the day.

Geeze...

I leave the board for a while and you guys can't come up with anything new!

Good to see that some things didn't change.

Aqualung

You boys don't want your floaties back - Les has abused them!

The one you had was full of pin holes.