Home Forums Hunting & Shooting Ask The Gunwriters I'm gonna be a gun writer....

I've decided I'm gonna be a gun writer. I've go it all figured out. I'm gonna be rich and famous... <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />....here is how it will look.... <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/smirk.gif" alt="" />
What gun to hunt with....
Get a 257 Roberts, a 30-06, and a 375 H&H. Shoot Nosler Partitions, Leupold 2.8x8 on Talley's. Shut up and go huntin...
by Charlie Sisk
See that ? Damn I'm good..... <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />....I said it all and only used 27 words and said it all... <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/blush.gif" alt="" />...I reckon that ought to be worth several thousand dollars.. <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />..just think of all the space I saved.... <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/shocked.gif" alt="" />..less paper and less ink....the magazine will only need about 6 pages.. <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ooo.gif" alt="" />..lower mailing cost....more room for advertisers, and I can use the same article over and over... <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />...Whitetail, Mule Deer, Dogzaper, Mr Howell, ya'll better get out of the way I'm coming through... <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />
Charlie

Time for edits! Corrections/suggestions made. (Originals in brackets - no electronic red pen)



My Hunt

by Charlie Sisk



What gun to use (hunt with)? (Get a) A 257 Roberts, 30-06, and 375 H&H! Shoot Nosler Partitions, Leupold 2.8x8 on Talley's. Shut up and go (huntin)...



Dear Charlie,

Thank you for your submission. The idea has merit and I've made a few suggestions for brevity.



Please include something more about the rifles. Were they Remingtons? Do you have a WSM or RUM in a larger calibre? We like the 375 H&H too, but were hoping to find someone with experience using one of the newer cartridges...



We've got another article upcoming about Bear Claws... Perhaps you could drop the Noslers...



Leupold makes a fine scope. Have you considered using something with a little less magnification? We were discussing 1-4s at the office...



Oh, one last request. Could you substitute a 243 WSSM for the 257... The 257 is one of the great cartridges of the last century. A noble one too. We were hoping to get something shot from a shorter action type...



I'd be pleased to have another look if you could submit your revisions with those few, tiny suggestions.



Chuck Yerluk

Editor

Steve
How about this ?
What gun to hunt with..
Get a good 30-06 with 180 grain Partitions and a 2.5x8 Leupold on Talley's....Shut up and go huntin....
by Charlie Sisk
Damn, thats even better ... <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />...I'll be rich before the night's over.... <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/tongue.gif" alt="" />
Charlie

Dear Charlie,

Thank you for your resubmission.

I see that you've dropped the 257 and 375. That was a good idea. As we say around the office, the 30/06 IS America's cartridge!

Since the 30/06 is your chosen calibre, perhaps you could go with a 3-9 Leupold on Leupold rings. Maybe it's just me, but Leupold also defines the US position as number one. It's a household name you know.

I'm still concerned about the Bear Claw article, but I think that we can work on that...

One of the staff pointed out to me that "Shut up" has an aggressive tone to it. The expression may not be welcomed by our readers. I thought that perhaps we could duck any possible letters by trying this.

"Get a good 30-06 with 180 grain TBBC, a 3-9 Leupold and mounts and go huntin."

As always, I appreciate the time and work that every writer puts into creating articles for our magazine. You are another example of our fine breed of American writers.

I hope to hear from you soon.

Chuck Yerluk
Editor

Dear Charlie,



The boss asked me to touch base with you before you decided to send your (article) in for a third time. He forgot to point out that your photo support package was deplorable. The pile of dead crows in the puddle of blood framed by the stacks of Old Milwaukee cases is not very tastefull.



Additionaly, we only (accept) color slides or hi-res digital images on a CD. Photo copies of your polaroids simply will not do. Have you ever thought about a photography class at the local vo-tech school.



And, while we obvously cannot publish hero shots of you and the dead Angus bull you so bravely tracked sown and shot several hundred times we would like to know where you got them "Sponge Bob" boxer shorts.



Respectfully,



David P. Imp

Associate Editor

Or......



Dear Mr. Sisk.



While your article has some merit, we were looking for 1,500 words with pictures, and references. Please re-submit and include the following either in text or sidebar.



Entire history of the 30-06 cartridge.

Detailed description of the chosen rifle/s.

History of manufacturer and genesis of model/s

Extensive photos of game animals taken (actual cartridge used or hunt/er involved is not critical)

Complete bibliography including listing of all rifle manufacturers/models and variants available in said cartridge

Include as sidebar, name and locations of Wally World stores where ammo and other hunt components may be purchased.



Thank you again for your submission...we look forward to seeing your revisions. At this time we are considering your article among others for our fall 2007 issue.



Oh!!! BTW...possibly you might consider framing your article around a currently relevant cartridge.



So..............does my future lie as a writer or an editor????.... <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />



JimF

Dear Mr. Sisk; Thoroughly enjoyed your extremely insightful article. Must know what magazine it will be in so can aquire subscription ASAP so as not to miss further enlightenment. Keep up the good work. Best regards.
Enthralled Reader. <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Dear Mr. Sisk,

You haven't considered all the hunting needs of your readers. What about the prarie dog towns and crow shoots? What about the masses that can't get a long action all the way up to their shoulder for tiny game? Please take the following under advisement and resubmit:

What gun to hunt with:

Get a 223 AI (very heavy), 260 Rem (very light), 338-06 (moderate weight), and 416 Rem Mag(fairly heavy). Shoot A-Max and Partitions in a Rem rifle, mount Leupolds in Talleys.
Shut-up and go huntin!

Learn to address the rifle needs of your readers! Have you ever seen a rifle built for a specific use and user? Brush up with your fellow hunters and resubmit when you have experience.

HogWild

FROM: National Investigation Agency (NIA)
TO: Mr. Charles Sisk
SUBJ: Investigation for Improperly Divulging Super Secret Info


Mr Sisk,

This is to inform you that you are under investigation by NIA for divulging highly secretive information. Our investigation has confirmed you publically made the following statement.

"Get a 257 Roberts, a 30-06, and a 375 H&H. Shoot Nosler Partitions, Leupold 2.8x8 on Talley's. Shut up and go huntin...
by Charlie Sisk"

Divluging such info is highly damaging to the national interest. Imagine the impact if word got out to the spouses of hunters and spouses of firearms enthusiasts that one did not need a new firearm for every potential application? Have you stopped to consider the emotional turmoil you would create among shooters and hunters? Have you considered the marital implications? Have you consideed the economic impact of such information becoming public knowledge?

NIA also believes your action to be self serving, as you would only have to keep three reamers on hand and would not have to spend countless hours on the phone and internet answering one of the major questions of life, IE "what is the best caliber for deer?" Mr Sisk, do you not understand that there can never be any answer to that question? What would all the deer hunters do the 9-11 months a year they cannot hunt?

NIA encourages you to reatract your statement immediately, delete it from all electronic media, and deny having ever made it. If you refuse to do this, then we have no choice but to declare you insane and direct that no one listen to you.

Signed,

Director of NIA

Sir.
I immediately retract everything I said and whatever anyone else said. <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />....What was I thinking ? <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" />
How's this ?
What gun to hunt with...
Get a 308 Win on a short Sucks action, 2.5x8 Leu, Talley's and 165 Partitons. Go huntin.
by Charlie Sisk
This is getting shorter and better ever time. <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />
Charlie

That will be aceptable as long as you are clear about that rifel/scope combo only being acceptable for one type of game in one type of terrain........... <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

I'm with Colt on this one. Got to get my suscription in the mail, first thing in the morning, right before breakfast.

Great job Charlie, Steve and the rest, love the humor!

On the advice of counsel I deny all responsibility for the creation of one more, er, "cocktail waitress."

That proviso being given, I might as well weigh in since the rest of the fraternity has already peed in the proverbial literary soup...


To: Mr. Charles Sisk
From: Leroy J. von Panderer
Subject: Response to your submission, "Shut up an' go huntin'"

Dear Mr. Sisk,

Thank you kindly for your submission to our fine journal. I have a few suggestions that might align your prose with the style of our particular periodical. To wit:

1) Your article title completely lacks an exclamation point, not to mention the failure to use those critical keywords "ultimate," "secret," and "essential" which are the lingua franca of our community. How can we promote your article on the cover using such plain language? We certainly would need to see these shortfalls rectified before publication.

2) While commendably concise, your word count falls roughly 973 words short of our typical article length. We have been having a difficult time convincing our advertisers that 10 consecutive pages of full page ads for commemorative plates justifies a tenfold increase in advertising charges. Perhaps you can flesh out your screed a bit. Namely, ...

3) There is a lamentable dearth of obscure references from literature. Surely you can find a quotation from Shakespeare, Dante, or Cervantes, or perhaps Samuel Johnson, which will impress the readers with your command of the classics. In fact, in recommending the .257 Roberts for elk you will certainly face an onslaught of criticism reminiscent of the tale of Horatio at the bridge. Controversy sells. Run with it.

4) Once again, you failed to use the phrase "if I do my part" in your article. We've talked about this.

5) In promoting your battery of centerfire cartridges, you failed to address the pivotal question of whether the .375 is sufficient for Cape Buffalo. That argument paid for my summer house long ago, but I now need to pay off that 40 foot sportfisher so we need to stoke that fire again.

6) We've about beat the .30-06 angle to death, perhaps you could rechamber your test rifle to AI dimensions with a parallel throat and redevelop your handloads?

7) Our newest advertiser is Freddy's Flints, Ticking, & Bear Grease. We would appreciate it if you can work his products into your article before this Thursday when next June's copy goes to camera.

You should encounter no difficulty revising your fine work in accordance to address these minor issues. Respond with your edited draft ASAP and let me know if I can be of further service.

Sincerely,

LJP

Hiram P. Lardbottom
Submissions Editor
High John The Conqueror Hunting


Dear Mr Sisk

Thank you for your submission. Unfortunately it does not meet our magazines needs at present.

Please feel free to waste your postage on us again soon.


Sincerely:

HPL

Soul, Vendi & Mammon
Barristers & Solicitors
99th Floor - 666 Damnation Alley
New York, NY

Dear Mr. Sisk:

Re: Defamation and Unlawful Interference with Market Share

We are the solicitors for the Reputable Arms Company of America. It has recently come to our attention that you published an article which referred to our client's product as a "Sucks" rifle. This description carries with it a pejorative connotation of a disreputable activity and as such is a defamation of our client and its products.

For the record, our client's product in no way "sucks". We do not see the humour in this kind of description (but we might see the humour in a "sucker" spending two weeks' take-home pay to purchase one of our new, highly-marketed products only to find that the bolt handle broke off after the first firing. If that happened we would, of course, maintain that the failure lay entirely with the negligent actions of the shooter).

Accordingly, we hereby demand that you publish an immediate apology to the Reputable Arms Company of America or else face a legal proceeding for millions of dollars in damages. We have sent a copy of this letter to your magazine editor and to all the magazines where we advertise.

We trust you will govern yourself accordingly.

Yours very truly,

Lucifer S. Shyster

Hey Charlie...still want to be a gun writer?

To the Attention of:

Mssrs: Sicks,



A regular (grossly-overpaid) Senior contributor to our esteemed rag (er: magazine) happened by our office yesterday and per-chance glanced through your most recent article submission ... which happened to be delicately poised on the corner of my desk, atop a stack of similarly deficient submissions, (directly above the round-file).



His cursory review of your brief work-product, brought to light the fact that you declined to make mention of ANY of the STW cartridges in your submission, as well as failed to properly attribute their Conception/Design/Testing and Commercialization to him. This deficiency cannot stand, you must re-write your article to include a mention (no matter how tangential) of the STW cartridge line. We are tired of having to ghost-write a letter to the editor, each month, feigning interest, just to keep his antiquated designs in the lime light.



Please be further advised that your photo submissions were totally inadequate and should your article actually make the pages of a future issue, we would be forced to substitute several of our (over-used) stock file-photos (say the 6x6 Yellowstone bull �Charger� with his head back �bugling�) for your elk hunting article. This would of course affect your final compensation as follows:



$ 3.95 for your lame prose

-$499.75 for our (long-in-the-tooth) archive photos

- - - - -

$ 495.80 Net-Amount you will OWE US, if your article is ever published.



payment note:

(We prefer cashiers-checks or PMO�s when dealing with unknown authors)



.... Editor

Awesome!! ... <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Charlie....if you aren't careful two things are going to happen. First, editors are going to begin charging to read submissions <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/crazy.gif" alt="" /> and second, your friends are going to put a lock on the outside of your shop. <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Thanks to all who responded...Looks like I may have to go back to coal mining..cant run the shop, lawyers are stacked up four deep outside, <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/blush.gif" alt="" />..phone rings constantly wanting to talk to my legal department...I aint even got a legal dept... <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" />..writing aint gonna cut it... <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />..I've already got sued, now I'm in debt, and everybody just bitches all the time.... <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />....Oh, the life of a gun writer.. <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />
Charlie