There was a knock on the door this past Saturday morning.

I opened it to find a young, well-dressed man standing there who said:

"Hello sir, I'm a Jehovah's Witness."

So I said, "Come in and sit down."

I offered him a fresh cup of coffee and asked, "What do you want to talk about?"

He said, "Beats the hell out of me! Nobody ever let me in before."

Mrs Archer is laughing her xxx off.




Okay, give us the rest of the report....

Is he ready to ditch that hideous joy depriving religion and visit a campfire with some fun loving Druid types?


Should be a tit for tat thing. You show me your and I'll show you mine.

( don't take that the wrong way.... .... lol )

Thanks Derby.

I don't remember it (too young) but my Dad tells of our minister who had 4 sons. All four were also ministers. One Saturday,they are visiting their dad on his birthday when a couple of JW's knocked on the front door.

I guess those 2 never knew what hit them.

Dale

Sixty-second witness

Ever have the Jehovah Witness missionaries knock on your door? Here are three questions that will help you share Christ with them. They believe they are �Bible teachers� and therefore love to answer questions about the Bible. They will not accept any translations, other than theirs, which is called the NEW WORLD TRANSLATION and the KJV. The following verses are from the KJV.

#1 - ask them to read aloud Revelation 1:8,

"I am Alpha and Omega, the beginning and the ending, saith the Lord, which is, and which was, and which is to come, the Almighty."

Now ask them, �Who is this �Alpha and Omega�? Is it God?� They will answer yes.

#2 ask them to read Revelation 22:13,

"I am Alpha and Omega, the beginning and the end, the first and the last."

Now ask them, �Who is this �First and Last�? Is it God, too? They will answer yes.

#3 ask them to read Revelation 1:17-18,

"And when I saw him, I fell at his feet as dead. And he laid his right hand upon me, saying unto me, Fear not; I am the first and the last: I am he that liveth, and was dead; and, behold, I am alive for evermore�"

Now ask them, �When did God die?�

when the real ones show at my door - all I can say - "Will you please leave"

When my wife and I were first married we rented a house directly across the street from my parents. My Dad had a vacuum cleaner salesman show up at his house and so he sicced the salesman on us. To get even I sent some Jehovah's Witness's his direction telling them that the old guy across the street seemed interested in finding truth.

My Dad would never tell me what he said or did but I was watching from across the street as they ran out his front door, down his sidewalk and to their car, with the one in the rear looking over his shoulder...funny as hell. The look of fear on their faces still gives me a smile 30 some years later.

I remember my Dad cutting a 2 by 4 eight feet long into 4 inch long pieces so the circular saw would scream every time they started talking. Dad was a man of few words, and that day, so were the "witnesses." They witnessed a nice polite way to keep them quiet.

In my old fire breathing Roman Catholic apologist days I actually did just that, i.e., invited them to come in and sit down to talk about the Bible. They got out their false bible and I got out my Roman Catholic Bible that I had marked up specifically for evangelizing JWs, and we had at it. Soon their heads were spinning, and they said they'd have to come back with their supervisor to address the points I made. I never saw them again.

Somwhow, I could just see Logcutter answering the door in tighty whighties and asking them if they want to wrassle.

sent some running on accident one day when they knocked on the door while i cleaning snake cages......didnt actually know who was at the door when i opened as normally only friends showed up so i didnt bother to look.....anyways i opened the door with a 6 foot slightly agitated carpet python that let out a good his bout the time the guy noticed what was on my arm.....he turned white and musta set a new record on the 100 yard dash....though it was accidental it did keep them from bugging me for a few years....

The_Real_Hawkeye,

When I was a new believer a lady at work gave me a New World Translation of the Holy Scriptures printed by the Watch Tower (Jehovah's Witness) group. She said, "I see the Holy Spirit all over you. You will be needing this to talk with Jehovah's Witnesses. I used to be one and came to the Lord from reading it. They prefer this Bible."

I didn't know any better so used it. I took it to church the next Sunday. The Sunday School teacher was edgy through out the class and made a bee line to me when he finished. He asked me if I knew about this Bible so I showed him what I found. In Ephesians 2:8-9 where most of us are familiar with
"For by grace you have been saved through faith; and that not of yourselves, it is the gift of God; not as a result of works, so that no one may boast," the other one is more clear to me. It been a long time but is goes something like, "By God's undeserved kindness toward you you have been saved....."

The teacher told me he always slammed the door in their faces, but the next time he would ask to use one of their Bibles. He showed them this verse. The younger of the two said, "I need to go home and pray."

Their Watch Tower teaches Jesus was nailed to a torture stake through the both wrists with one nail with His hands over His head, yet their Bible teaches He was nailed through the hands. One of my neighbors came to the saving knowledge of Jesus by accepting the Jesus with holes in His hands and left the J.W. organization!

One came by my place when we first moved in about ten years ago. I was in the garage reloading for a .340 Bee when he drove up so I went out to meet him. Right away I knew he was J.W. He said, "I'm not here to persuade you." I tried to be polite and smiled when I said, "Now we know that isn't true. We find in 2 Corinthians 5, "Knowing the terror of the Lord we persuade men." We talked for a few minutes and he left never to return.

When I lived in Flagstaff AZ there were two Jehovah's witness ladies that worked the neighbor hood regularily. I tried inviting them in to talk, offered them coffee and beer and, like zombies they still kept coming.
One morning as I was getting out of the shower I saw then coming so I answered the door completely nude and politely invited them in.

they not only completly left me alone after than but when they would come down my side of the street they would not even walk in front of my house but would cross the street and walk down the other side!

Just ask them if they want to share the Gefilte fish. They run like rabbits.

just after college I was living in a house with a bunch of other folks who all went to the same college I did...

there was a Jehovah's Church just round the corner... I had one come to the house one day, and couldn't get rid of him... then they next weekend, another one came with him...

Enter my room mate Dennis... Dennis had grown up and attended Catholic School. from kindergarten to 12th grade... his parents were Italian immigrants and religious as hell.. the guy knew the bible backwards and forwards.. could recited pages upon pages..
Goes to college, when mom wanted him to go to a seminary and become a priest... In college, he became an atheist...

So the second time, Dennis took over for me and offered the Johaviah's a cup of coffee... I return 3 hours later and they are just leaving...

couple days later, those two and an older one return to the house... they are there for 3 hours again... Dennis is questioning them on the Bible and their teachings, in a Columbo style, and tying them in knots...

This goes on and then stops for a while... and then after a new class of converts starting hitting the neighborhood, the cycle started over...

Finally one day a young man and a woman show up and identified themselves as Jehovah Witnesses... I say "oh you must be looking for Dennis..."

They look at each other, and then ask "is this where Mr Dennis Ricci Lives sir?"

I respond 'yes', to which they reply, "sorry to bother you sir!... this house is officially off limits to our members"...

you had to love that one...

Generally I just tell them to F off...the only time that I did not, was when I told them that I was not interested but that my wife would be home tomorrow and they were welcome to talk to her as she was definitely interested in that sort of thing.

Twenty odd years after the fact she still gets extremely cranky when she remembers...in fact I am going to wander in and remind her now.

They are about as welcome here as they should be around the campfire. Proseletyzing double-talkers looking for the weak willed and weak minded and wholly intolerant of any other view are unwlecome no matter what they peddle.

1B

Sorry if this offends anybody...

Jehovahs showed up at my door once on Christmas morning. I was in the kitchen helping my wife prepare to put the turkey in the oven. I had been separating the giblet package and decided to have a little fun with the turkey neck. Pulled the skin most of the way off the thing, and then trimmed it off. It looked a lot like a great big ole schlong, and I was gonna play a little joke on my wife...

So, knock at the door. I answer the door with the turkey neck hidden behind me, and there stands some jehovahs. A man and a woman, along with a couple kids. They started talking, but I just kinda leered at the woman for a few seconds and then produced the neck and gestured at her with it while making some hubba hubba noises. They absolutely scattered, and have not been back.

I wonder if they call on muslims?

funny

My folks always just shut the door on them and made their point that way. I really tried to be a little more polite one time when they came to the door, but Mom's radar kicked in from the kitchen, and she came pretty much on a run for the door. She darned near slammed the door on the couple's noses. I was told that since I had given them "the time of day" they would be back, and sure enough we received several more visits within the next few weeks. My redneck dad, who was not one to be trifled with had enough. The next time they came there was 4 of them. He saw them coming from the road and met them in the front yard, and quietly but very firmly told them they were not welcome, and to quit coming. The 1911 on his hip seemed to be very persuasive......

It appears to me that showing the best side of Christianity is a better alternative than rude and lewd contempt. I would rather have a flock of them in my neighborhood than several other types. I can always politely dismiss them kindly and in short order with no ill will.

TRH- I know plenty of people who would say that showing them a Catholic Bible is the pot calling the kettle black. My family is Catholic but no longer I. That is not a knock from me as I love many Catholics and am glad they adhere and find a spiritual relationship in their chosen method.

Last time two young, clean cut, polite Jehovah witness came over I wished them well and gave them cold water to take along. They asked if they could help me with chores before they left. I find that more rewarding than a fake turkey shlong in some kids face.

I don't get the need for rude behavior to people that honestly feel they have a good message. I was home recovering from surgery when they came to my door. I invited them in, they said they would stay outside. This seems to be their standard, that is to stay outside, so I question the comments about getting them into the house.

That aside, they were very pleasant and seemed genuine in their faith, I just am not to be converted to their faith. I would not say they were bad or poorly representing their church and I don't see the need for such rudeness toward them.

Muslems on my doorstep, now that is a case for extreme rudeness, maybe even the discharge of a firearm or two...

I can't stop laughing...

What is the big [bleep] deal? A sidearm? Seriously?


Travis

Varying opinions here, but to me coming to my door unannounced and uninvited and trying to sell me an unsolicited ideaology is rude. Rudeness of that sort, I assure you, begets rudeness....

Agree.

I've always invited them inside and they always tell me to GFM.

Two females came to my house about two years ago which I thought was odd. They were promoting some sort of super duper Jehovah Witness concert in Billings. I tried getting one of their phone numbers but the cuter of the two just rolled her eyes and pulled the other one by the jacket.

Apparently I need to alter my game when dealing with JW's.


Travis

Agree. It's a good chance to tell them the truth.

Well yeah, I guess you could look at it that way. But I've never flashed firearms at the Schwans man either.

My penis, sure. But not a sidearm.


Travis

I just like talking. To anybody. A lot.


Travis

Or lesbos. ;(Travis - This was in response to you method of dealing with JWs)

I think they are instructed to stay away from homes where the Bible is actually studied and the errors of the JWs are going to be revealed to them. Turn the tables on them, in other words, and they will be instructed to leave your house alone under pain of sin.

I operate under the assumption that any woman that doesn't love me is a lesbian.

But I thought maybe JW couldn't be lesbians so I am a little confused by it all.


Travis

I fixed it ,Travis

Dat works on JWs....Im guessing....


Never flashed a firearm at the Schwanns man or a JW....but there was this one census taker this one time.....

Release the hounds!!!!

My aunt in her early 80's had a pair come to her door. She politely told them if their religion were any good they wouldn't have to peddle it door to door...They never bothered her again.

This face being the first they see when I open the door usually lets me open the conversation as well....

Rommel needs a sterner expression. That one would make me lose a hand as I'd want to love on the fella....

My wife has recently fallen in love with Mals... Especially the $85k one's....

OK...hows this for expression.....




We can get your wife a superb Mal for a LOT less than 85K....


Just sayin......

That's not a German Shepherd?

If its not, the breeder owes me a refund!

His coloring and expressions are sublime!

I know that we could, but she likes the bragging rights of having a ridiculously expensive...well...anything....for no particular reason...

Seriously though, she's fallen in love and wants one. We have too many dogs now as it is though and need to wait until one hits the rabbit trails in the sky before we get another dog.

She wants to learn to train them too, so naturally, I hooked her up with several of your articles....


Now we return this thread back to the regularly scheduled program "Jehovah Witness Chew Toys"

Well, it sure looks like one, but you mentioned Malinois. Must have misunderstood you.

As far as I can tell, yep!

I just know ingwe's affinity for Mal's, doing similar work, so was so inclined to inform him that he's contagious....

I brought up the Mal's...

Oh, yeah. But I took it to imply that picture was one, even though to me it looks very much German Shepherd. Great looking Shepherd, too, by the way. I grew up with a couple of German Shepherds. Have an affinity for them. Never got one for myself as an adult, though, due to the shedding. I get short haired dogs like Dobermans, Pitbulls, and Pit mixes.

I bet they appreciate a good JW chew toy as well!

Tell your wife I can get her an extremely expensive Mal, and can teach her how to train-also extremely expensive- that should make her happy


I have a date to get bitten by a Mal later today. Good times.

I don't get any solicitors at my home since I moved here almost a decade ago, since my acre is completely surrounded by chain link fence to the outer edges, i.e., you need to enter the locked gate to get to the door, and there's always been a Pitbull or Pit mix in the yard. Folks are scared of them like nothing else, so that's my breed pick. I also like their looks and personality. I try not to advertize the fact (other than at the Campfire) that Pitbulls, unless conditioned otherwise, tend to like everybody they meet.

I'm not financing your next Africa trip, amigo.

At least not until I acquire that spot in MT. At least the Hutterits tend to stay to themselves!

I wonder if there are any decent Mal breeders in this region of the south...

Agitator, eh?

you have pits but ive got a 10 pound skipperkee thats made people damn near chit their pants, which of us truly has the bad arse dog? mine requires no preconditioning towards a breed

Just say when, I'll help you find one..

My brother wife is a Jehovah's Witness. When i was younger and not as polite as i am today , when she would always try to give me their pamphlets, i would say thanks, i need this, because I'm out of chit paper. I now am more tolerant of her and she doesn't try to force her religion on me, i guess she has now figured out it is a waste of time.

And paper.

When they show up I let them talk. If long enough I can tell when they put their foot in their mouth if you know the bible well enough. Sometimes I can't put my finger on the untruth but the spirit tells me so. I question them then. That makes them question their own beliefs( maybe) I can almost always get them to question themselves. Last one was a little heated. Older guy, suit, tie, cowboy hat. I told him I was on the official JW web sight and noticed they believe Jesus was hung on a stake. I think some translations do say that, he pointed it out. I pointed out it makes no difference if hung on a stake or cross. JW's say this to bring doubt of any bible not theirs. I told them they are trying to deny what happened and the significance of what happened on the cross. He didn't like my answer. We were a bit tense and he left and was not back since. Point is they are decieved and will not even hear any other point of view. I also tell them Charles Rusell had his issues too.

A buddy of mine in upstate NY had them come by when he was trying to get a roof on his shop before a storm. They wouldn't let up even though he told them he was pressed for time and had to get the roof dried in. One of them came up the ladder and got on the roof and started condemning him. He through the bugger off the roof into his bushes. I asked him if it hurt the guy. He said he didn't think so, they were both running pretty good when he last saw them! I've never had a bad experience with them. I'll talk to them for a minute or two and excuse myself. Never had them badger me after telling them politely that I wasn't interested in their creative bible.

Don't you try that reverse psychology chit on me!

I know an old boy that got rid of them with, "the US postal service would save a lot of money if they'd let you azzholes deliver the mail."
(slam door)

When she would have her friends over to my brother house , he would stay down stairs , watching TV, Drinking Beer and Smoking a Joint. She would never let any of them go down to the TV room in the basement when he was home .

Used to deal w/them some if I wasn't busy, gradually getting their "more knowing" reps. Finally got tired of the game and put
2 signs up on the path to my main house. Top one: NO SOLICITING
Under it: If you can't read and understand, or despise rightful
authority, you have nothing of value to say about The Bible, anyway." Haven't seen them, since.

Had a pile of those stupid [bleep] show up here ONE time about 9 years ago, IIRC they handed me a small paper that said "watchtower" on it.

I took the paper over to the fence and fed it to my donkey, turned to them and ask, 'any questions'?

Havent seen hide nor hair since.

Gunner

2 true stories of when I was a kid,
#1 when they came to the door,I greeted them with"WOW!Jehova Fittness, watch this"
and I proceeded to do 3 jumping jacks and a couple of squat thrusts,they just backed of the porch,,
#2 my brother answered the door after just having gotten out of the shower(wet hair,towel over his shoulder,seeing that he couldn't get away,I grabbed a towel wrapped around my waist and put my arm around his chest from behind and said,"come on babe Lets get back in the shower"
Their expressions both times were priceless,,,

In my youth I had a couple of large parrots.

One was a Moluccan Cockatoo - actually quite friendly, once she got to know you. Otherwise, if she met a stranger, she'd spread the wings and hiss.

One day the doorbell rang and I thought it was my girlfriend. It was a JW. I had the bird on my shoulder. The JW never said anything, he just turned and ran. I guess the hawk-sized bird on my shoulder, spreading its wings and hissing, must have rather un-nerved him.

Lots of trouble to keep, but large parrots are occasionally useful.

Any change in the donkey?


Travis

That's some funny schit.


Travis

It speaks in tongues.

nothing like a Jackass with stomach full of Religion

Too [bleep]' funny. And true.


Travis

Had two women show up with their pamphlets, listened to them for a bit and then turned the conversation to other things. They would come by every couple of weeks, no problem usually just talk about the weather or such for 5 mins or so.

One day showed the two showed along with a couple of guys, a day I was loading out for a weekend shoot, several rifle cases, a handgun case and "hey, would you hand me those two ammo boxes?", was the very last I ever saw of those folks.

Never saw any reason to be less then cordial, now a door to door salesman ended up getting his tail literally kicked off my property, but that was in response to his not being respectful.

They use to work me weekly. I had tried to be polite, but given their persistence, they caught me in the wrong mood. That day I asked them to wait a moment. I returned with paper and pencil. I told them they had caught me at a bad time, but if they'd just give me their name and address, I'd stop by their house when I felt like it and we could talk about a topic of my choosing. They went into immediate conference. Result was they didn't think they should do that, but I was welcome at their church. I told them I didn't find it very Christian to expect something of someone you were not willing to do yourself. Never heard from them again.

At the doctors office, someone used to leave Watchtower magazines. I'd pull out my pen and write "www.silentlambs.org" on the cover. That site is about sexual predators who go door to door. You see, the JW's will not report rapists in their organization.

I did the same as Richard Austin." Give me your address and I'll stop by sometime, probably right after the bar closes." They declined.