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As I recall from reading our government's latest interpretation of history, Canada's pilgrims were actually boatloads of black and Asian Muslims who got lost, searching for a floating mosque. Many of them were female, and spoke French. They came to North America to escape the tyranny of several groups of old, fat white men, Christians, and European pacifists.

The now famous "Battle of Away" happened in the late 1400s when several boatloads of Vikings arrived on the shores of Newfoundland at the same time as the pilgrims. There was an instant hatred between the two groups. This resulted in an ongoing war between the two that lasted 20 years. The pilgrims detested the Vikings and their blonde hair and blue eyes. The Vikings didn't like the pilgrims because they could not speak Norgy.

Finally, in the early 1500s, this fellow - Valnorg the Ornary - defeated the pilgrims, but allowed a boatload to sail away. This act of kindness, unusual for Vikings historians say, could have been the reason why we had trouble with them hundreds of years later. So, in a way, it was a white person's fault for all the nonsense going on in the world today. The fighting. The hatred. COVID monkeys and acne.


Valnorg the Ornary