Yeah,...I had one o'them things cut offa me once,...not the hospital kind,..but the outpatient type.

They had this hydraulic table thing that ya squatted on and it raised ya up and bent you over so that the hemmorrhoid was in the optimum position to be worked on.

So there I am,...all up in the air with my ass poked out for all the world to see,..not a trace of dignity left anywhere,..and I'm thinkin',.. "Maybe I just shoulda prayed about this fer a day er two."

After I'm all up in the air on that azzhole car lift,...this pretty little nurse walks in. Ain't no doubt that they make the pretty little nurse stay outside until they get you ready,...'cause ain't no man gonna let hisself get in that position in front of *any* woman,....

Well,...I'm fairly anxious by then and I'm wonderin', "What's this gonna be like?"

I look back under my arm and the doc is holdin' a syringe with a needle about 2 feet long, and he tells me, "Now you just say anything you want, 'cause we've heard it all".

Naturally, my first thought is "Oh chit!"

Then he stuck the needle in it.

I made a noise like a donkey.

I ain't ever made a noise like a donkey before,...didn't even know I could,..but I learned that day that if a doctor sticks a needle in an inflammed area of my bunghole,..I can indeed make a donkey noise.

You can too.

Believe it.

Also,..after the donkey noise had played out, I couldn't breath. Now,...I don't know what the connection between ya bunghole and your lungs is,...but they is one,...because when somebody sticks a needle in ya bunghole, your lungs just up and shut down. There's no doubt whatsoever that if he had stuck me twice, I woulda suffocated. Just call the bonewagon and the tombstone place,...have 'em inscribe, "Here's Bristoe,...they stuck him twice."

Then he started cutting on it with one o'them hi tech Exacto knives that the doctors use.

Of course, by this time I got no dignity left and don't really give a damn. My left eyeball is out of its socket,...I have brayed like a donkey,..I can't breath, and a pretty young nurse is dabbin' the blood off my bag with a cotton ball and saying', It'll all be over in a minute".

Things get kinda fuzzy after that.

The doc gave me a prescription for pain pills,...I chased 'em down with a half pint,...and have been trying to forget ever since,..to no avail.

All I can say is,..eat fiber.