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from my Dad...and I use now on my Son....
"the road to Hell is paved w/good intentions"

Or. 'tighter than the hide on a buffalo nickel'.

being aroused-- so hard a cat coudn't scratch it.
being cold- colder than a witches t!tty in a brass bra
being to hot-- hotter than the gates of hell in here
going to bathroom-- gotta go talk to a man about a coon dog.
on being thirsty-- im so thirsty I could lick the sweat off a
bulls balls.
on being broke-- Im so poor I can't afford free

Some more that just came to me:

He is older than dirt and three days older than water.

He joined when Christ was still a corporal.

Hungry enough to eat the south end of a northbound mule.

Hotter than the hubs of hell.

Hot enough to make a snake sweat.

And my grandmother used to say when tasting bad tea or coffee, "That's stronger than ackey forty!". I was at least forty when I discovered that an old name for sulfuric acid was 'aqua forte'. Good to find out Granny wasn't really nuts.

Shakin' like a blind [bleep] at a weenie roast.

When making a comment on the size of anything, the measurement was always in axle handles & chewing tobacco.
"her ass was 2 axe handles & a plug of chewin' tobacca wide."

I'm so hungry my backbones wearin' a blister on my bellly button.

deader than a door nail.

horney as a 2 peckered dog.

humped up like a dog [bleep]' razor blades.

harder than a preachers d!*k in a calves azz.

screwin' here was like throwing a hot dog down a hallway.

Happier than a dead pig in the sunshine.
She's so ugly she'd make a freight train take a gravel road.

My Grandma told me this one:

"Little Kids, Little problems, Big Kids, Big Problems"

Having raised 4 children, there is a lot of truth to that.

Blessings,

Yep, that's the one I remember my dad saying.

Paul

Quicker than a cat can lick it's @ss.

Busier than a cat burying [bleep] on a tin roof.

Red as a baboon's @ss.

Darker than the inside of a cow.

So narrow he could look through a keyhole with both eyes.

Dumber than a sack of hammers.

She was a double bagger. (She was so ugly you had to put two bags over her head in case the wind blew one off.)

Nothin' left to do but say $hit and go home.

Slicker than frogs hair (also Slicker than snot on a doorknob...)

Tighter lips than a chicken.



SS

Grandpa was a man of VERY few words.The day dad married mom,Grandpa was standing outside church.Dad was heading in to get married .Grandpa said "not too late."

After the ceremony,Grandpa shaked dad's hand and said
"Too late now."

Stepdad after cutting wind..."better an empty house than a bad tenet."

When asked how you doing,"If I was any better I'd be twins."

My personal favorite when discussing the quality of something;
"You can cover a turd with sugar, but that doesn't make it a doughnut."

"well that went over like a fart in church"

Just a few I can recall...some are more southern saying than from old timers...but they've been around that long.

"If you're waitin' on me, yer backin' up"

"Slicker than owl $hit"

"Slicker than goose grease"

"Dumb as a stump"

"Don't just sit there like a bump on a log".

"Full of $hit as a Christmas turkey"

" Son--why don't you spit in one hand and wish into the other and let's see which one fills faster"

One grandpa : "That woman's never had a drink of sweet milk in her life." Meaning she was so ugly her face would sour milk before it got to her lips.

The other grandpa; "Her face would curdle buttermilk."

My favorite when upset over something, " That just makes my ass want to chew tobacco."

Thats said around here, but spit is spelled with an "h" instead of a "p". <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> My dad used to say that to me all the time.

Jim--My wife is from Arkansas. She's most familiar with your version as well.

Drier than a popcorn fart...