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A pizza with a 3 year shelf life would likely last longer AFTER you ate it than before.

One day he walks into a small village and sees a local sitting on his porch patting his dog.

He figures he'll have a little fun, so he says to the villager "can I talk to your dog?"

Villager: "The dog doesn't talk, you stupid Aussie."

Ventriloquist: "Hello dog, how's it going mate?"

Dog: "Doin' all right."

Villager: (look of extreme shock)

Ventriloquist: "Is this villager your owner?" (pointing at the villager)

Dog: "Yep"

Ventriloquist: "How does he treat you?"

Dog: "Real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food and takes me to the lake once a week to play."

Villager: (look of utter disbelief)

Ventriloquist: "Mind if I talk to your horse?"

Villager: "Uh, the horse doesn't talk either....I think."

Ventriloquist: "Hey horse, how's it going?"

Horse: "Cool"

Villager: (absolutely dumbfounded)

Ventriloquist: "Is this your owner?" (pointing at the villager)

Horse: "Yep"

Ventriloquist: "How does he treat you?"

Horse: "Pretty good, thanks for asking. He rides me regularly, brushes me down often and keeps me in the barn to protect me from the elements."

Villager: (total look of amazement)

Ventriloquist: "Mind if I talk to your goat?"

Villager: (in a panic) "The goat's a liar!"

Friday groan redux. Go back to the top and work your way down.

This thread was so long ago I forgot most of these so they're not funny all over again, 'cause bad puns are how eye roll...

In German Prisoner-of-War camps, escapes were a a major problem, so they would try to break the prisoners’ spirits by making them do mindless things. In particular, they would make the prisoners stand in a line and all move their heads like a clock back and forth and say, ‘tick tock tick tock.’

Some prisoners, unable to escape or otherwise change their situation, chose a very subtle rebellion. They would do the head motions, but instead of ‘tick tock tick tock’, they would wait until the guards were further down the line and switch to ‘tick tick tick.’

None of the guards noticed this was going on for many months, until finally, a young lieutenant was caught ticking by a senior SS Captain walking behind the line.

The captain stopped the exercise, walked over, face-to-face with the young man, and said "Zo, you do not vish to comply, eh? Vell, don’t vorry, ve have vays of making you tock.’

I went to a dog show the other day. A Yorkie took Best in Show, a Jack Russell took second, and a Scotty took third. I’m starting to think the judges had some sort of All-Terrier motive.



A Horse walks into a bar. The bartender says, “Hey, you’re in here a lot, are you an alcoholic?”

The horse ponders for a minute then responds “I don’t think I am.” And poof, he disappears.

This is where philosophy students start to snicker, as they’re familiar with Descartes’ famous postulate, “I think, therefore I am.”

But telling you that first would be putting Descartes before the horse.

Happy hour at the bar.



A bar was walked into by the passive voice.

An oxymoron walked into a bar, and the silence was deafening.

Two quotation marks walk into a “bar.”

A malapropism walks into a bar, looking for all intensive purposes like a wolf in cheap clothing, muttering epitaphs and casting dispersions on his magnificent other, who takes him for granite.

Hyperbole totally rips into this insane bar and absolutely destroys everything.

A question mark walks into a bar?

A non sequitur walks into a bar. In a strong wind, even turkeys can fly.

Papyrus and Comic Sans walk into a bar. The bartender says, “Get out — we don’t serve your type.”

A mixed metaphor walks into a bar, seeing the handwriting on the wall but hoping to nip it in the bud.

A comma splice walks into a bar, it has a drink and then leaves.

Three intransitive verbs walk into a bar. They sit. They converse. They depart.

A synonym strolls into a tavern.

At the end of the day, a cliché walks into a bar — fresh as a daisy, cute as a button, and sharp as a tack.

A run-on sentence walks into a bar it starts flirting. With a cute little sentence fragment.

Falling slowly, softly falling, the chiasmus collapses to the bar floor.

A figure of speech literally walks Into a bar and ends up getting figuratively hammered.

An allusion walks into a bar, despite the fact that alcohol is its Achilles heel.

The subjunctive would have walked into a bar, had it only known.

A misplaced modifier walks into a bar owned by a man with a glass eye named Ralph.

The past, present, and future walked into a bar. It was tense.

A dyslexic walks into a bra.

A verb walks into a bar, sees a beautiful noun, and suggests they conjugate. The noun declines.

An Oxford comma walks into a bar, where it spends the evening watching the television getting drunk and smoking cigars.

A simile walks into a bar, as parched as a desert.

A gerund and an infinitive walk into a bar, drinking to forget.

A hyphenated word and a non-hyphenated word walk into a bar and the bartender nearly chokes on the irony.

That was punney!

Well done, boys, well done!!

L.W.

Did you hear about the man who lost the ability to hear low and midrange frequencies? He was in a world of treble.


I took my ailing Iguana to the vet recently, and she prescribed him Viagra. Apparently, it’s designed to treat a reptile dysfunction.


Did you hear about the flat Earth believer who decided to walk west until he fell off? In the end he came around, and the only thing he had to fear was sphere itself.


One time, I went on a trip to visit a company and consult. I hoped they might send a limo and driver to the airport to get me. They sent a harlequin instead. It was a bit disappointing, but I guess it was still a nice jester.


Did you hear about the woman who started going to parties and joining new clubs after she made pesto? Yeah, she apparently she used extroversion olive oil by mistake.


Did you hear about the fork factory with inconsistent quality control? It was the best of tines, it was the worst of tines.


A bottle of Omega 3 Fatty Acids fell on my head yesterday at the store. Don’t worry, I only got super fish oil injuries.


I bought my friend an elephant for her room. She said “Thanks!”, I said “Don’t mention it.”


I was gonna tell a joke about Sodium, but then I thought, “Na”.


When I was young, I wanted to be a dolphin, but as I got older, my sense of porpoise faded away.


Why don’t chemists like puns? All the best ones argon.





Although I do sometimes make terrible puns, I think if you were to look at all the puns I make, the good would outweigh the bad, and it’d average out OK. Put differently, although I may make terrible jokes, I mean well.