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I had to burn a vacation day one time, little old mrs Annabelle at church wanted 6 pall bearers and 6 honorary pallbearers bearers.

Took me going over two supervisors and finally the general mgr to get the permission ok’ing the last minute request for vacation leave.

Apparently a lot of dumbfûcks who live in the city and watch the Bachelor and the masked singer have no damn clue about common funeral traditions

Dumbfück bliss of never going to any funerals must be numbing. They had never heard of honorary pall bearers.

I go to about 5-6 funerals a year.

The Clown died -

All his friends went to the funeral in one car.

Umm, could you be mistaken? Bakersfield funeral?

A man cheats on his girlfriend Lorraine with a woman named Clearly.
Lorraine dies suddenly.
At the funeral, the man stands up and sings, "I can see Clearly now, Lorraine is gone."

A taxi passenger tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him a question.
The driver screamed, lost control of the car, nearly hit a bus, went up on the footpath, and stopped centimeters from a shop window.
For a second everything went quiet in the cab, then the driver said, "Look mate, don’t ever do that again. You scared the daylights out of me!"
The passenger apologized and said, "I didn’t realize that a little tap would scare you so much."
The driver replied, "Sorry, it’s not really your fault. Today is my first day as a cab driver – I’ve been driving a funeral van for the last 25 years."

It's Game 7 of the Stanley Cup Final, and a man makes his way to his seat right at center ice.
He sits down, noticing that the seat next to him is empty.
He leans over and asks his neighbor if someone will be sitting there.
"No" says the neighbor.
"The seat is empty."
"This is incredible," said the man.
"Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the Stanley Cup and not use it?"
The neighbor says, "Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away.
This is the first Stanley Cup we haven't been to together since we got married."
"Oh, I'm so sorry to hear that.
That's terrible...
But couldn't you find someone else, a friend or relative, or even a neighbor to take the seat?"
The man shakes his head.
"No,” he says.
“They're all at the funeral."

One Sunday the church is packed and the pastor is delivering his sermon. Halfway through, there is a huge flash of light, a cloud of sulphurous smoke appears and there stands satan himself.
The congregation scatters, crowding the doors, diving out of windows, anything to escape. Except for one old man, who sits quietly staring at the devil.
The devil says, "What's the matter with you, don't you know who I am? Aren't you afraid of me?"
"Nope, I aint scared of you."
"Why not?"
"Hell, I've been married to your sister for 40 years, you don't scare me!"

A man famous for being an outspoken atheist was on his deathbed, and he called for a local preacher to come and visit him. When the clergyman arrived, he asked the man if he had changed his mind an wanted him to pray. "No, I still can't believe, but I do want you to preach my funeral". "Why would you want a preacher to preside at your funeral?" "I've listened to you speak at 20 funerals, and in case I'm wrong, I want somebody to speak over me who has never lost a case yet!"
Jerry

A cemetery dug a grave for a burial the next day. It was raining hard. That night, a drunk left a local bar and cut through the cemetery on his way home. In the dark, he fell into the grave. No matter how he struggled, the soil was so wet that he couldn't get out. He finally sat down in one end and pulled his coat around him to wait until morning.
Pretty soon another drunk did the same thing. He didn't see the 1st drunk in the dark and he was struggling to climb out but couldn't. After watching him for a while, the 1st one finally said 'You'll never get out.' But he did.

Two Irishmen, Sean and Jock had been friends for more than 60 years, Now Jock lay on his deathbed with Sean at his side. Jock turns to Sean and asks "Sean, me boy, when they lay me down in that cold, cold ground I want you to take this bottle of fine old Irish whiskey I've been saving many years and slowly pour every last drop over me body."

Sean wipes a tear from his eye and says "Aye, Jock and I'll do it. But would you mind if I let it pass through me kidneys first?".

----

Jock finally passed, and his casket was put in the back of the horse cart that served as the local hearse and brought up to the cemetery on the top of the hill. At the top of the hill, the cart hit a pothole and the casket slid out the back and began to pick up speed sliding down the hill. It was going fast as it slid into the door of the local pharmacy. Startled, the pharmacist asked "Can I help you?". Jock sat up and said "Aye, can you give me something to stop me coffin?".

As a golfer was lining up a putt his friend watched a long funeral procession wind by on the street. "Man, the deceased must have been popular", he remarked.

"She was a good woman", replied the golfer.

"How well did you know her?"

"We would have been married 50 years next week,"

Cemeteries are pretty popular.

People are dieing to get in!


—Dad

Always heard it as a question....."Why is there a fence around the cemetery?"

FOUND ON SOME TOMBSTONES...

There was a fellow named Bill
Who took an atomic pill.
His navel corroded,
And his azzhole exploded,
And they found his nuts in Brazil.

He found one, and took it to bed,
And then in chagrin he dropped dead,
For that spiraling snatch
Is never a match...
The damned thing had a left-handed thread!

An elderly man's wife passed and the family and friends were at the graveside service. At the end of the service just after the minister said "Amen" there was a clap of thunder in the distance. The old man said, "well, she's arrived"!

Back in the day when Motocross racing was a big thing a friend of ours passed away. Another friend showed up wearing a white dress shirt with a tee shirt under it that said "do it in the dirt"! There were a few comments!

Here lies Les Moore
4 slugs from a .44
No less
No more.

I always heard it as...

Here lies the body of Les Moore
4 magazines from a .44
No less
No more.
Rest in Pieces