I'd Enlist Today, But........

I've said that if I could, I'd enlist today and help my country
track down those responsible for killing thousands of innocent
people in New York City and Washington, D.C. But, I'm over 50 now and the
Armed Forces say I'm too old to track down terrorists. You can't be older
than 35 to join the Army.
They've got the whole thing backwards. Instead of sending 18-year-
olds off to fight, they ought to take us old guys. You shouldn't be
able to join until you're at least 35.

For starters:
Researchers say 18-year-olds think about sex every 10
seconds.

Old guys only think about sex a couple of times a day, leaving us
more that 28,000 additional seconds per day to concentrate on the
enemy! .

Young guys haven't lived long enough to be cranky, and a
cranky soldier is a dangerous soldier. If we can't kill the enemy
we'll complain them into submission. "My back hurts!" "I'm hungry!"
"Where's the remote control?"

An 18-year-old doesn't like to get up before 10 a.m. Old guys get
up early just to show we can (and to steal the neighbor's newspaper
and pee).

If old guys are captured we couldn't spill the beans because
we'd probably forget where we put them. In fact, name, rank, and
serial number would be a real brainteaser.

Boot camp would actually be easier for old guys. We're used to
getting screamed and yelled at and we actually like soft food.

We've also developed a deep appreciation for guns and rifles. We
like them almost better than naps.

The army could lighten up on the ob! stacle course, however. I've
been to the desert and didn't see a single 20-foot wall with rope
hanging over the side. I can hear the Drill Sergeant now, "Get down and
give me...er...one."

And the running part is kind of a waste of energy. I've never seen
anyone outrun a bullet.

An 18-year-old has the whole world ahead of him. He's still learning
to shave. To actually carry on a conversation. To wear pants without
the top of the butt crack showing and the boxer shorts sticking out.

To learn that a pierced tongue catches food particles. And that a
200-watt speaker in the back seat of a Honda Accord can rupture an eardrum.

All great reasons to keep our sons at home and to learn a little
more about life before sending them off to a possible death.

Let us old guys track down those dirty, rotten cowards who attacked
our hearts on September 11.

The last thing they'd want to see right now is a couple of
million old farts with attitudes.