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Duck, you are so full of chit too

Alright, I golf. Actually golf a lot. Even do it for a living - work in the industry that is. A few tips for the newbie:

Those plaid shorts of yours? Perfect.

Only drink beer while on the course (preferably Bud Light in cans) - clubhouse is for martinis or Manhattan type cocktails.

Golf carts are okay, NEVER carry your clubs or egads, a pull cart. Caddies are even better. $50 minimum tip.

Even if you play with Topflite brand balls or the like; when someone asks you "what are you playing" when you have a lost ball, always say "Pro V1". They'll think you're a baller. Maybe you'll get a free $5 ball out of the deal.

Gimmes are only taken when offered. That being said, offer the first gimme. It'll soften up your playing partner.

Footwedge only when you're positive you can't be seen. Same with taking a piss - make sure you're in the woods out-of-bounds. This will come after multiple Bud Lights and there's never a restroom around when you need it on a golf course. Regarding going #2, plan ahead. Golf towels can be used in a pinch. BTDT.

Only yell FORE when you're reasonably sure someone is going to get hit. Maybe for near misses too. Keep it to a minimum. People will think you're a hack if you do it too much.

Don't throw clubs, yell expletives, or have a general temper tantrum when you hit a bad shot. It's inevitable in golf, even for the best pros. Quiet pain like an Apache being thrown off a cliff also shows you're a baller.

When you shank one 2 fairways over, own it. When you hit it on the green from there people will think you're a baller.

Too much time at the ball washer and people will talk.

Tip when they take the clubs from your car, tip the help that cleans and loads your clubs after the round, and for the love of God - tip the beer cart girl well. She'll come back to see you more often.

You're away, sir.

What? You gotta be dressed like a coked out Cuban pimp?

Yes, I have a 4 handicap. Played (intermural) in college. Was too busy parting to play collegiately.

Love me some golf, 2-3 days a week (rounds), another day or two pitching and putting for practice.

I have a hard time believing any respectable golf course would let deflave in the course. If for no other reason than drunk driving, rolling golf carts.

So in summary........................

GFY.

But the science, math, and research behind it is fun, since I am very analytical.

Yes, I have a 4 handicap. Played (intermural) in college. Was too busy parting to play collegiately.

I am very anal.

Were you also too busy "parting" to enter "intermural" spelling bees?

My Dad was a scratch golfer all my life, however he maintained his amateur status. He was the Colonial Country Club Champion several times. We traveled as a family to many of the Pro Tour destinations. Lake Tahoe, Las Vegas, La Costa, Palm Springs, Hawaii, etc., and he had a room full of trophies.
Personally, I couldn't ever find a putter that worked and my best handicap was a 14. I was much more into shooting sports.
I do have a funny golf story to relate.
My Dad was playing in a foursome with perhaps the cheapest member of the club. This guy was known to have picked up other peoples tips off of tables left for waitresses. He was one of those "I'll pay you later" guys.
My Dad was driving a cart and saw this cheapskate kick his ball about 4 feet behind a tree. My dad reaches in his pocket and palms a $100.00 bill from his pocket. When he pulls up, El Cheapo says "Hey your lie is behind this tree". My Dad casually walks over & bends down...
....and exclaims: "Hey look, someone dropped a C-note!" and pretends to pick it up and unfold it.
This drives the guy nuts! He admits to moving his ball explaining he'd have never found it if he hadn't moved his ball, and that my Dad should give him half.
My Dad's only response was: "Sorry buddy".
For a month this guy tried to get my Dad to split the $100.00.

I live on a golf course and have never even swung a golf club. I was for several years assistant superintendent/waterman on an exclusive private golf course, which left a bad taste in my mouth for both golf and golfers.

Flave looking for a golf buddy.

Someone to pay for the tee time....cart rental....and beer.

Golf is nothing more than a good walk ruined. Of course from my perspective, a good round of golf is when you end up with more golf balls in you golf bag than you started the day with. I also hope to live long enough to score my age for 18 holes and I need at least another thirty years to do that with no further erosion of limited golf skills.

Duck O' Dumb Bucket,

I bet listening to you remind everybody how conservative you are makes for a fun 18 holes.

LOL