Home Forums Hunting & Shooting Hunter's Campfire Questions Asked About Austrailia by Tourists and Answered by An Aussie

I got more than a few chuckles from the following:

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These questions about Australia were posted on an Australian Tourism Website and obviously the answers came from a fellow Aussie.

1.
Q: Does it ever get windy in Australia? I have never seen it rain on TV,so how do the plants grow? (UK)
A: We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around watching them die.

2.
Q: Will I be able to see kangaroos in the street? (USA)
A: Depends how much you've been drinking

3.
Q: I want to walk from Perth to Sydney - can I follow the railroad tracks? (Sweden)
A: Sure, it's only three thousand miles, take lots of water.

4.
Q: Is it safe to run around in the bushes in Australia? (Sweden)
A: So its true what they say about Swedes.

5.
Q: It is imperative that I find the names and addresses of places to contact for a stuffed porpoise. (Italy)
A: Let's not touch this one.

6.
Q: Are there any ATMs (cash machines) in Australia? Can you send me a list of them in Brisbane, Cairns, Townsville and Hervey Bay? (UK)
A: What did your last slave die of?

7.
Q: Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Australia? (USA)
A: A-fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe. Aus-tra-lia is that big island in the middle of the pacific which does not ... oh forget it. Sure, the hippo racing is every Tuesday night in Kings Cross. Come naked.

8.
Q: Which direction is North in Australia? (USA)
A: Face south and then turn 90 degrees. Contact us when you get here and we'll send the rest of the directions.

9.
Q: Can I bring cutlery into Australia? (UK)
A: Why? Just use your fingers like we do.

10.
Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule? (USA)
A: Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which is ... oh forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night in Kings Cross, straight after the hippo races. Come naked.

11.
Q: Do you have perfume in Australia? (France)
A: No, WE don't stink.

12.
Q: I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth. Can you tell me where I can sell it in Australia (USA)
A: Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather.

13.
Q: Can I wear high heels in Australia? (UK)
A: You are a British politician, right?

14.
Q: Can you tell me the regions in Tasmania where the female population is smaller than the male population? (Italy)
A: Yes, gay nightclubs.

15.
Q: Do you celebrate Christmas in Australia? (France)
A: Only at Christmas.

16.
Q: Are there killer bees in Australia? (Germany)
A: Not yet, but for you, we'll import them.

17.
Q: Are there supermarkets in Sydney and is milk available all year round? (Germany)
A: No, we are a peaceful civilisation of vegan hunter gatherers. Milk is illegal.

18.
Q: Please send a list of all doctors in Australia who can dispense rattlesnake serum. (USA)
A: Rattlesnakes live in A-meri-ca which is where YOU come from. All Australian snakes are perfectly harmless, can be safely handled and make good pets.

19.
Q: I have a question about a famous animal in Australia, but I forget its name. It's a kind of bear and lives in trees. (USA)
A: It's called a Drop Bear. They are so called because they drop out of gum trees and eat the brains of anyone walking underneath them. You can scare them off by spraying yourself with human urine before you go out walking.

21.
Q: I was in Australia in 1969 on R+R, and I want to contact the girl I dated while I was staying in Kings Cross. Can you help?(USA)
A: Yes, and you will still have to pay her by the hour.

22.
Q: Will I be able to speak English most places I go? (USA)
A: Yes, but you'll have to learn it first.

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Very funny!

I think that #21 would have been funnier if the answer had been something like; Yes, and mum says HI and I'm looking forward to meeting my dad for the very first time. Can you say 34 years of back child support?

Jeff

260Remguy,

Come on now, you don't think.........do you? <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

# 13 and # 18 had me roaring with laughter <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />

Sounds like the same tourists we get here, the ockers must send them on,
How about this from an American I met ,
"do your maori tribesman still eat people"
Duh <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

Wish I'd kept or knew where to get, again, the list of similar questions that tourists in America ask park rangers and guides. The only one that I remember is "Why did the Indians build so many ruins?"

Your list has appropriate answers. The American list didn't, as I recall. I like your list! <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

True story: A few years back a friend of mine prevailed on me to give a little lecture on farm life to a bunch of city school kids. Third grade class seemed to hang on every word as I worked through what I thought was a good presentation for that age level. Got to the end of my little talk and asked for questions. One little girl child raised her hand and asked if you could housebreak a cow. We went downhill from there. <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/blush.gif" alt="" />


BCR

If it was truely answered by an Aussie, why isn't the answer to number 3 in kilometers instead of miles?

My favorite dumb tourist question is the one asked just after they walk down the gangplank to the seaside city they are visiting. So, what is the elevation here?

Then there is the question of what our deer eat to get so big <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/shocked.gif" alt="" />

I also like referring to them as tourorists, though I guess that isn't as funny as it used to be.

I think it was John Gierach who told the story of when he was fishing in Yellowstone, a visitor passing by on the road stopped and walked up to him and took his picture, like he was part of the scenery, and then asked him, "Where do they keep the buffalo at night?" -al

The late Joe Hankins, a retired Russian logger from Chehalis, Washington, spent his final summers in the national parks, photographing wildlife. I knew him as a great friend at Mount McKinley National Park (now Denali NP) in Alaska, in 1957.

Joe got up very early every morning, went afield with his camera, and was usually back in camp by midmorning when the tour bus from the hotel came by. The drivers knew Joe and often stopped to learn what animals he'd seen, where, earlier that morning.

One morning, a tourist let a bus window down:

"Tell me, my good man, wheah ah the beahs?"

In his thick accent and with a withering look dripping with disgust, Joe said:

"Christ, lady! This ain't no zoo!"

That answer became the favorite Joe Hankins quote around park headquarters that summer.

They're called Tourons.

I Visited Yellowstone last summer. I have video of an entire family of four, out of their car, not 10 yards from a feeding grizzly. The Gardiner MT news actually had an article on a touron that had been killed the previous week. This Darwin award winner had pretty much not given a bull bison the right of way while walking down a trail.

Actually, I did something that was pretty stupid in retrospect last year while deer scouting. I put the sneak on a small blonde bear, while un-armed. I didn't know it was a bear until I got real close, as I was just sneaking up on " rusttling in the leaf litter noises", but considering where I was at the time there was a 90% certainty that it was a bear. Got a lot closer than is prudent with a wild animal that can $@&!! you up if it desires to.

A bike shop I worked at had a sign on the wall in back - " illigitimi non carborundum". The "illigitimi" had been crossed out and "touristas" had been scrawled underneath.


Regards,
Scott

George , A lot of the older generation, and especially the country folk here in Australia still give directions in miles.


Tasso

There's a list around here (in Whistler) about stupid questions by American tourists...

How much does the moutain weigh?

Is that in Canadian or American dollars?

Does the ATM have Canadian or American dollars in it?

How many trees are on the mountain?

Where is Dual Mountain? (You buy a 'Dual' mountain pass to go on both Whistler and Blackcomb mountains) <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

As some here may know I used to do civil war reenacting. When they made the movie Glory part of it was filmed on Jekyl's Island SC. We were camped on one end of the island, which is a big tourist attracton, and the set was on the other end. Some of the more hard core boys marched it every day, about three miles, but a lot of us loaded up in pickups and trucks and went down to the set. About the middle of the island there is a small strip mall shoping center. We'd usually stop there to get smokes and snacks etc. to last the day. All were in uniform of course.

One morning we stopped at the same time that a bus load of Japanese tourists was unloading. They swarmed us. This one guy about five feet tall ran up to me and began snapping pictures. He looked like a Mexican bandit with all the cameras across his chest. I am standing there feeling like a glorified fool while this guy is jumping around snapping pictures of me.

He rips a note book out of one of his bags and says,
"You Ollywoooh ?"
"Well, I'm in the picture."
"Who are you?"
"Nobody, just an extra."
"But you Ollywoooh"
"Not really."
"You in Ollywoooh film?"
"Yeah"
"Who are you?"
"Nobody."
"You know Kint Eastwoooh?"
"Nope"
"You know Pamela Anderson?"
"Nope."
"But you Ollywoooh. You Ollywooh movie star."
"No, I'm just an extra."
"Not Ollywoooh?"
"Sorry"

He snaps a few more pictures and wanders off. I think I broke his heart.



BCR

Tasso,

Thanx for the information! I did not know that, I thought the rest of the world changed so many years ago that there was no one left who did miles any longer.

My friend Bill and his wife are "living history" exhibits -- complete with teepee, Doreen's brain-tanned buckskin garments, period arms and cooking gear, etc. Their older son, a photographer, used to specialize in sepia-tone prints. At several buckskinner rendevous, he took photos of Bill, Doreen, and other 'skinners there -- and made big sepia prints.

Somehow, his prints came to the attention of the producer or director of [I think] "Dances with Wolves" (or some other such movie), who "borrowed" 'em for use in making the movie. Bill never got 'em back. Word trickled back that the "borrower" was hawking 'em to big-money Hollywood types as authentic period photographs.

Doreen's still too pretty to be that old! <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

BCR,

Okay I'm gonna have to watch it which one are you? <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

74 I almost have to be sitting with you watching Glory to point me out. I am all over the place but usually just flashes in the crowd. You have to know how movies are made but I had the distinct pleasure of seeing me shooting at myself in one scene. <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" />

Two places you can see me but you wouldn't know who I am. Near the end of the movie when the 54th is marching down to the beach to assault Battery Wagner if you look on the left side of the screen up on the dune you will see a cannon. I am standing behind the wheel. That is one of Butch Franks twelve pounders and we had boar cat hell pushing it up that damn sand dune.

During the final assault scene when the 54th is fighting its way down the parapet again in the background you will see two guys sort of hesitate and then jump into an embrasure. I am standing in the embrasure just to the left of where they jump in. Morgan Freeman and Carey Elwess are just off my right shoulder. They were a lot closer than it looks in the movie. Depth perception is AFU in films. Sometimes too they flip the film and you get a mirror image instead of what is really going down. Sometimes it looks like I am shooting lefthanded. <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

BCR

BCR,

I will watch it again and see if I can pick out those scenes and the man in Uniform! Glad to know some one from Ollywoooh... <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> It is a very good movie though.