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Joined: May 2004
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Campfire Kahuna
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Retirement Options:



You can retire to Phoenix, Arizona where…

1. You are willing to park three blocks away from your house because you found shade.

2. You've experienced condensation on your rear end from the hot water in the toilet bowl.

3. You can drive for four hours in one direction and never leave town.

4. You have over 100 recipes for Mexican food.

5. You know that "dry heat" is comparable to what hits you in the face when you open your oven door at 500 degrees.

6. The four seasons are: tolerable, hot, really hot, and ARE YOU KIDDING ME??



-OR-



You can retire to California where...

1. You make over $450,000 and you still can't afford to buy a house.

2. The fastest part of your commute is going down your driveway.

3. You know how to prepare tofu and eat an artichoke.

4. When someone asks you how far something is, you tell them how long it will take to get there rather than how many miles away it is.

5. The four seasons are: Fire, Flood, Mud, and Drought.



-OR-



You can retire to New York City where...

1 You say, "the city" or the Big Apple" and expect everyone to know you mean Manhattan.

2. You can get into a four-hour argument about how to get from Columbus Circle to Battery Park but can't find Wisconsin on a map.

3. You think Central Park is "nature."

4. You believe that being able to swear at people in their own language makes you multilingual.

5. You've worn out a car horn. (IF you have a car.)

6. You think an eye contact is an act of aggression.

7. You reminisce about the good old days when you had Mayor Giuliani in office.



-OR-



You can retire to Minnesota where...

1. You only have three spices: salt, pepper, and ketchup.

2. Halloween costumes have to fit over parkas.

3. You have seventeen recipes for casserole.

4. Sexy lingerie is anything flannel with less than eight buttons.

5. The four seasons are: almost winter, winter, still winter, and road repair.



-OR-



You can retire to The Deep South where...

1. You can rent a movie and buy bait in the same store.

2. "Y'all" is singular and "all y'all" is plural.

3. "He needed killin" is a valid defense.

4. Everyone has two first names: Billy Bob, Jimmy Bob, Joe Bob, Betty Jean, Mary Beth, etc.

5. Everything is either: "in yonder," "over yonder" or "out yonder.”

6. You can say anything about anyone, as long as you say "Bless his heart” at the end!



-OR-



You can move to Colorado where...

1. You carry your $3,000 mountain bike atop your $500 car.

2. You tell your husband to pick up Granola on his way home, so he stops at the daycare center.

3. A pass does not involve a football or dating.

4. The top of your head is bald, but you still have a ponytail



-OR-



You can retire to Nebraska or Kansas where...

1. You've never met any celebrities, but the mayor knows your name.

2. Your idea of a traffic jam is three cars waiting to pass a tractor.

3. You have had to switch from "heat" to "A/C" on the same day.

4. You end every sentence with a preposition; "Where's my coat at?"



-OR-



FINALLY, you can retire to Florida where...

1. You ditch your winter clothes and eat dinner at 3:15 in the afternoon.

2. All purchases include a coupon of some kind - even houses and cars.

3. Everyone can recommend an excellent cardiologist, dermatologist, proctologist, podiatrist, orthopedist; or even a psychologist should you remotely need one.

4. Road construction never ends anywhere in the state.

5. Cars in front of you often appear to be driven by headless people.


I am..........disturbed.

Concerning the difference between man and the jackass: some observers hold that there isn't any. But this wrongs the jackass. -Twain


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That's great Dan


Originally Posted By: slumlord

people that text all day get on my nerves

just knowing that people are out there with that ability,....just makes me wanna punch myself in the balls
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+1!

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You are mistaken on Minnesota #3. It's not casserole, it's "hot dish".


Dale

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Not bad...the Minnesota bit rings true.

However my parents retreated to Mesa Arizona every year after they retired. A massive RV parked in a RV park. That made them comfortable and happy...which in turn made me very happy. Anybody dissing snowbirds can kiss my fugkin ass bitches.

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Like

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WV

1) Your dentist lives in another states.

2) Mountain Dew will get you a DWI.

3) A man with legs of the same length is a considered handicapped.

4) Corn raised for "livestock feed"... comes in 3rd.

5) The use of brakes while driving is strictly optional.

6) It is legal to marry anyone... and I mean anyone.


"The Republic Is Lost" November 4, 2020 deflave


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Originally Posted by Ghostinthemachine
Not bad...the Minnesota bit rings true.

Yep, Michigan isn’t much different. Casseroles aren’t as popular as they used to be but I grew up on casseroles, ketchup, salt, pepper, and garlic, and being told to pick a Halloween costume that would fit over a winter coat!

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Colorado

Meeting a unicorn is more common than meeting a native.


For even when we were with you, we gave you this rule: "If a man will not work, he shall not eat."

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How come there was no Texas in there? It hot, it’s hot, it’s hot, then cold for a couple days, then hot, on and on.

You better learn to speak meskin

The roads are always under construction

There is a feral pig under every bush


Know it all Texans everywhere

Last edited by hanco; 11/12/22.
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Originally Posted by DigitalDan
You can retire to The Deep South where...

1. You can rent a movie and buy bait in the same store.


I don't think I've ever seen a store where you could buy bait that didn't also have movies or a Redbox, they pretty much go together.

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Originally Posted by DigitalDan
1. You can rent a movie and buy bait in the same store.

Not all that long ago there was a liquor store on the edge of town,.."Belcher's Liquor".

The counter was a glass case where they displayed a very decent selection of handguns for sale. Of course, you could also buy cigarettes there.

It was "Alcohol, Tobacco, and Firearms" one stop shopping.

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for God's sake Dan, stop encouraging yankees to move to Florida. lol


Sam......

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Ahhhhh the deep south, it's more funner than a retard at Chucky Cheese (bless his little heart)


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Originally Posted by hanco
How come there was no Texas in there? It hot, it’s hot, it’s hot, then cold for a couple days, then hot, on and on.

You better learn to speak meskin

The roads are always under construction

There is a feral pig under every bush


Know it all "transplant" Texans everywhere


Fixed for you


~Molɔ̀ːn Labé Skýla~

For we wrestle not against flesh and blood, but against principalities, against powers, against the rulers of the darkness of this world, against spiritual wickedness in high places.”
Ephesians 6:12 (KJV)
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Originally Posted by Bristoe
Originally Posted by DigitalDan
1. You can rent a movie and buy bait in the same store.

Not all that long ago there was a liquor store on the edge of town,.."Belcher's Liquor".

The counter was a glass case where they displayed a very decent selection of handguns for sale. Of course, you could also buy cigarettes there.

It was "Alcohol, Tobacco, and Firearms" one stop shopping.

There was a neon sign at a store on the business loop in Columbia, MO in the late 70's "LIQUOR GUNS AMMO"

Last edited by cowdoc; 11/12/22.

Always drink upstream from the herd...cowdoc...
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Originally Posted by DHN
You are mistaken on Minnesota #3. It's not casserole, it's "hot dish".

How the F’ck can you tell with the Black Scarf around their Face ..

And that Funny Accent is all Foreign ..

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Originally Posted by Deans
Originally Posted by hanco
How come there was no Texas in there? It hot, it’s hot, it’s hot, then cold for a couple days, then hot, on and on.

You better learn to speak meskin

The roads are always under construction

There is a feral pig under every bush


Know it all "transplant" Texans everywhere


Fixed for you


Yes. I agree

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Virginia don’t need anymore Yankees

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Hahaha Hahaha

Bagels ain’t Southern..

Hahaha Hahaha

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