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Airline Announcements:


United Flight Attendant announced, 'People, people we're not picking out furniture here, find a seat and get in it!

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On landing, the stewardess said, 'Please be sure to take all of your belongings.. If you're going to leave anything, please make sure it's something we'd like to have. '

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'There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane'

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An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which required the first officer to stand at the door while the passengers exited, smile, and give them a 'Thanks for flying our airline.' He said that, in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment. Finally, everyone had gotten off except for a little old lady walking with a cane.

She said, 'Sir, do you mind if I ask you a question?'

'Why, no, Ma'am,' said the pilot. 'What is it?'

The little old lady said, 'Did we land, or were we shot down?'

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As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Ronald Reagan, a lone voice came over the loudspeaker: 'Whoa, big fella, WHOA!'

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After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Memphis, a flight attendant on a Northwest flight announced, 'Please take care when opening the overhead compartments because sure as hell everything has shifted after a landing like that.'

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Another flight attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing: 'We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal.'

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Overheard on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo, Texas on a particularly windy and bumpy day: During the final approach, the Captain was really having to fight it. After an extremely hard landing, the Flight Attendant said, 'Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to Amarillo .... Please remain in your seats with your seat belts fastened while the Captain taxis what's left of our airplane to the gate!'

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'Your seat cushions can be used for flotation; and, in the event of an emergency water landing, please paddle to shore and take them with our compliments.'

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'As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses... except for that gentleman over there.'

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Heard on Southwest Airlines just after a very hard landing in Salt Lake City.
The flight attendant came on the intercom and said, 'That was quite a bump, and I know what y'all are thinking. I'm here to tell you it wasn't the airline's fault, it wasn't the pilot's fault, it wasn't the flight attendant's fault, it was the asphalt.'

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After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix, the attendant came on with, 'Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Capt. Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we'll open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal.'

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Part of a flight attendant's arrival announcement: 'We'd like to thank you folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope you'll think of US Airways..'

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Heard on a Southwest Airline flight - 'Ladies and gentlemen, if you wish to smoke, the smoking section on this airplane is on the wing and if you can light 'em, you can smoke 'em.'

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A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport. After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercom; 'Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to Flight Number 293, nonstop from New York to Los Angeles. The weather ahead is good and, therefore, we should have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now sit back and relax.... OH, MY GOD!'
Silence followed, and after a few minutes, the captain came back on the intercom and said, 'Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier. While I was talking to you, the flight attendant accidentally spilled a cup of hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!'

A passenger in coach yelled, 'That's nothing. You should see the back of mine!'
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A man boarded a plane with six kids. After they got settled in their seats a woman sitting across the aisle from him leaned over to him and asked, "Are all of those kids yours?"
He replied, "No. I work for a condom company. These are customer complaints."
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Welcome to Riyadh, Saudi Arabia. For the correct local time, please set you watches back six hundred years.

Those are very funny.

Those are good. I just sent them to my wife who’s on her way to work now at the airport…

H9r9s som9 music for y0ur thr9ad

Back in my college years, during Xmas break I was going FBKS to ANC. We were an hour late taking off due to 60 below ice fog restricting visibility. Very bumpy ride from there. Black ice on the Anchorage runway - the plane skidded sideways a ways before stopping just short of the side of the runway.

Dead silence in the plane for about 10 seconds as we all started breathing again, then the Captain came on the intercom. "(Sigh!) Folks, some days are just like that!".

While working the ramp in Kotzebue a few years ago, Kotz was the second stop on the route from Anc - Nome, Kotz, back to Anchorage. Pretty good crosswinds in Nome and Kotz (where they landed twice on the same pass). I heard the 1st officer tell the flight attendant as we were servicing the plane, " Cheer up. We get one more chance today to make a good landing!"

Nepal airport lost one today. Looks like too slow comin in.
My kid travels, was in Nepal last yr.
Alwaya wonder about stuff in the boonies.

Chain e-mail still a thing I guess.

Pretty sure I've been on at least one of those flights the last couple weeks....

I had a nighttime launch on my tanker for an evening refuel mission with a buff. It had been snowing pretty good all afternoon, the ground people were working their a$$es off to keep the runway clean. Preflight was uneventful, got the bird deiced before the crew arrived. Normal engine start and taxi to the runway. We always took the launch truck to the far taxiway out of the parking ramp to watch takeoff. Aircraft starts its takeoff roll, about 4000' down the runway the plane turns sideways about 20° to the runway heading. Crew aborts the takeoff and returned to the SAC ramp. We parked the aircraft and get the crew off, I think they had to change their boxers... 🤣

Worst part was, putting the aircraft to bed I had to put the pitot tube covers on. Open up the pilots sliding window, lean out and grab the pitot tube to steady myself, the pilot forgot to turn the pitot heat off. Second degree burn on my right palm, I slept that night with my arm hanging off the bed and my hand in a bucket of cold water. I learned how to be ambidextrous that night... 😃 🍆

A highschool classmate's dad was a WWII paratrooper.
After going through hours of instruction and training, they were ready to make their first jump. Len was from Oklahoma and had never been on a plane in his 18 years and had seen very few!
The pilot comes on and welcomes this new class of paratroopers aboard, hangs up the mic, but forgets (conveniently?) to turn it off.
To the co-pilot, "Now let's see if we can get this overloaded S.O.B. off the ground."

My wife was Continental Airlines Flight Attendant in her 20's. One of the things she learned during training was that if she experienced a male passenger who was being overly flirtatious/aggressive was to tell him "Sir!! You paid for your seat...not mine!!" Always thought that was funny.

She was LAX based and flew quite a few professional sports teams. Lots of arrogant, testosterone fueled athletes, so she had the opportunity to use this comeback on a handful of occasions. As an aside, she had Bo Jackson on several of her flights and said he was a true gentleman...always.

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We were flying an European NEACP mission over the continent, I was in the IP seat when the pilot said he wanted to go back to the galley to warm up his inflight lunch. Pilot tells me to jump into the left seat and help the copilot monitor traffic. I had just gotten back from my altitude chamber refresher course flight that was at the AF hospital located on Wiesbaden Army Base in Germany. My copilot was scheduled to go in a few days, we were discussing how my trip was over the interphone. I made a comment about how the Army can fűck up a good thing. A few minutes later I feel someone grab my right shoulder and give it a good squeeze. Looking back to see who it was, it's an Army colonel who was our battlestaff commander for that mission. He gives me a big grin, says "how it going chief?". SOBin radio operators were listening to the conversation I was having with the copilot and flipped a switch so the colonel could listen in... Friends 😡🤬😁

In Afghanistan we set them back 600 years and 1/2 an hour.

kwg

I remember.

B, majority of flight attendants now a days are gay men,, As if flying wasn’t bad enough has is.

Flight attendants, Worlds most un-interesting job?

Push a cart down a 24” wide aisle then sit down for 2 hours, then repeat.

NFW.

You think you're telling something that I don't already know? I was just engaging in a little reminiscing about the way it used to be.

The world's most uninteresting job? Well, maybe...



"The Big Bunny sported a special crew of flight attendants dubbed aptly "Jet Bunnies" who weren't casted just for their looks, but also for their abilities to actually provide flight attendant service while underway. The women were pulled from Hefner's clubs in Los Angeles and Chicago and sent for training with Continental Airlines. Passing the famous airline's intense flight attendant school was a prerequisite for the job."
https://www.thedrive.com/the-war-zone/14697/remembering-hugh-hefners-iconic-jet-black-dc-9-big-bunny

Cheers!

The son of the stewardess on the right in that YouTube pic is on a Mustang forum here in N. Texas