Home Forums Hunting & Shooting Hunter's Campfire Thinking about poping the Question. Any Advice?

Saddlesore,

Congratulations on your retirement. I 've got a month to go. I'm wondering if I should move back to Colorado. I left 20 years ago. While I was there I picked up two wives, two kids, and two degrees, so I guess I have some ties. On the topic, the advice to approach marriage slowly is sound. These days there isn't as much pressure to tie the knot, and if she pushes you too hard a red flag should go up.

Paul

Youngbuck

I am trying sooooo hard to keep my mouth shut... <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Charlie

YoungBuck,

I don't think knowing someone for 1 year is too "young" to get married. I was with my wife for 1 year (but met her 9 years ago) before we tied the knot. But we both were in our late 30's and never married and no kids. It was an easier decision for me because we both are baptists and go to church on most Sundays. My wife does not hunt, but she likes meat, so I know she would like the meat I put on the table except for the 'possum casserole <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/tongue.gif" alt="" />

If I had a son who was 21 years old and wanted to get married, I would persuade him not to cuz I would not want him to tie his life down with a wife and possible kids at this age.

Does your g/f have any friends? Any hobbies? (things she can do while your hunting). Does she enjoy the great outdoors?

Why not get engaged and get this reunion to last for 5 years and see if she can hang around a hunting pard? You know alot of people today get divorced because their values have drifted apart and they no longer take marriage vows seriously. As you probably know, it takes TWO to tango. Know her character before tying the knot...

You wrote that you think that she is the one ~ not that you know she is the one. This may be a minor thing but worth considering.



We just celebrated our 2nd anniv. and have been together for 6 years. I wanted to marry her during the 2nd year but waited until I knew she was the one. It may not take you that long, but maybe it might. I wanted to be sure that this was my first and last marrage.



Once you are married the work is only just beginning. From then on you must constantly work at it. It shouldn't be a chore though, more a labor of love. Each needs to devote 100%. It isn't 50/50. It's 100/100.



My wife doesn't fish but she will field dress her own deer. There are trade-offs. Are there things she likes to do which you don't? I think each needs time away from the other every once in a while.



Have you both really talked about your individual goals?



Feelings about having kids? Seriously, this is a big factor. Before asking her views, know your own. Do you want kids? how many? How soon? What religon will they be raised? What are you willing to sacrifice to keep them fed and clothed if need be? These are all things some people asume the other is on the same page but never really asked. Do you see raising them in a large city? small town? rural communitee?



Who will handle the money? Don't just assume. Find out. Are you financial goals the same? If you have kids is she or you going to stay home and raise them? or are you both going to work and go the daycare route? What if you don't see eye to eye on this?



There are a lot of things you need to know before popping the question. Marrage is supposed to be a one time deal ~ treat your decision that way.

YB, I was an officer in three different outdoorclubs. The husbands were active in outdoor events,(fishing), leaving "little momma" alone too much. Many divorces in these clubs, check one or two out and see their ratio of divorce. You hunt, how much? Little mommas don't like sharing their hubby with anything and there are the "honey dos" they want done "now". Are you ready for that. -- no

I wouldn't presume to give you any advice about your "possible" because I don't know either of you well. However, I've been around the marriage block 2 times and, while I am happily and permanently in the second one, I've had more than a few passing and some not so passing fancies before,after and during some of the above, and I've been around many, many friends and acquaintances that went up and down various garden paths, thinking there were all gathering roses and forgetting about the thorns. <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

I would strongly recommend against committing marriage with any girl who is:

a) a Doctor's daughter
b) the only child of doting parents
c) much wealthier than you are, unless you are doing it for the money <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />
d) extremely good looking, knows it and acts like it (although the gain may be worth the pain <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />)
e) given to whining
f) plans a full time career which involves travel or moving
g) a lot smarter or a lot dumber than you are
h) thinks sex is yucky and only for procreation
i) heavily in debt on her credit cards and can only pay the minimum each month if that

I could go on, but those are a few disqualifiers. As someone said, you two really need to discuss your future as a couple, children? how many?, can you afford them doing what you are doing? Money? who handles it? Jobs? Is she going to be working full time, part time, not at all?
Your hunting and fishing. If she is not going to participate then you need it REALLY understood that those activities are part and parcel of you and the deal. I would get a contract drawn up, but that's just me, being the romantic fool that I am. <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Just remember this, it is a helluva lot easier to think twice or twenty times now than to regret those two little words, "I do" later. They are a lot easier and cheaper to withhold than to undo. This is experience talking, listen.

Romantic love is a combination of different types of love.

Of course agape is self sacrificing love, and must be present. It is the highest form of love, and the love God demonstrated in sending His Son to die for the sins of the world.



Second, Phileo is a friendship love. Your mate should be a friend, and in time will be your best friend. Do not think that this is unimportant.



Eros is a physical love.

So romantic love is basically a combination of eros and phileo.



If one is only attracted to a potential mate by eros, then when it diminishes, there is nothing left.



As the years pass, eros becomes less and phileo becomes greater. The totality of your love increases to a degree that you cannot imagine when you are first married.



Never marry one who you do not like as a friend. As has been said here, they will not change in all probability. If you don't like them now, then you will not like them 5 years from now. In the final tally it is more important to like your mate as a friend, than to be sexually attracted. Both are necessary to a good marriage when you are young.



I might add that my wife of 49 years, in Nov, does not like to hunt, or shoot, or fish, but she never objects to my participation in any of them. She has never been critical of my gun buying or anything else connected with my recreation.



I have never figured out why God gave a woman like that to a man like me, but I am thankful, and pray daily that He will make me as good a husband as she is a wife.



Jerry

I also think you are getting good advice from folks who have been there and done that, whether good or bad, but marriage is one thing you need to decide on your own.

I never even dated my wife before we got married. She moved up here in june of 96. she did her dating thing I did mine. We were always good friends through highschool and kept in touch after. By Jan 97 we were married. We have our hard times but they all work out.

I guess what I'm getting at is that I dont believe that you need to date for x amount of time. I'm the rarity I guess but shes a hell of a women albiet stubborn as a mule. You just ahve to be 100% honest with yourself and if you have to in anyway talk yourself into or if you have the littlest doubt....wait.

Oh and my wife loves hunting and fishing, guns and a taxidermist to boot.

When I was DATING my wife, she'd go shooting and HUNTING with me. Only ONE time after the wedding. When I was DATING my wife-homemade spagetti and garlic toast etc. NOW its the boys and I had McD's see what is left over in the fridge. If you want to live forever(seems like) marry the wrong girl. I'd check out how she relates to her dad and other men. Does she like her dad? Or do her mother and her spend their time picking on him? I used to think my father in law was a jerk-now I know he died early because he WANTED TO!

Iv had kind of the same problem as you with the not hunting thing..... only worse. My girlfriend ( now wife of 10 years) was deathly scared of guns since her natural father sucked on a 12 gauge when she was in kindergarten. I have always had guns in the house & my room as a high schooler so it got interesting at times lol. She got over her fright of guns, she still doesn't hunt but in my mind so be it. We got married after dating for a year and a half & have been together ever since. My words of advice are :
1 can you trust her?
2 Propose if you can't wait but hold off the wedding for a bit
3 Don't get married cause of kids, money, or going away for awhile ( like a 6 month deployment)
I know it didn't help much but take it for what its worth.

Hey Gang,

I got more response than anticipated. Thanks to everyone that posted something on this subject your words are very important to me. ThoughI may not know all of you, I still know I can rely on the info I get from you guys.

In response to all the post. Here is what I have to say:
I don't think I love her, I know I do. We have moved very fast in this relationship, and the new wore off about two weeks ago. I have been praying about this matter for some time, and the people that pray, I hope you would also pray that I make the right decision. I have asked myself, if I could wake up every morning to this woman for the rest of my life, and be content with her no matter what. I have no hesitation that I can. I asked her to think about that and she said she could see herself waking up to me every morning with no hesitation.
There are times I sit and think about what I am prepared to do, and it is funny that I am at peace with my decision that for her birthday, I am going to propose to her. I am very content with my decision. If I was not at peace with it, I would not consider it, or if my heart was hesitating to what I want to do, I would not do it. So far, my heart is not pulling, my mind is not pulling, and my other head does not have a say so in this matter, so I know this is what I want to do. I am at peace, and if I still am when her birthday comes, she is getting a ring for her birthday. Until then, I am going to keep praying about this matter and let God lead my path and guide me in my decision.
I really read a lot of what you guys had to say, and I even printed it out, that is why It took me so long to write back. I wanted to make sure I got this down right. Besides I have been busy with guiding and work. Thanks again guys for all the support and advice. I know I can always count on the older more mature bucks for opinions and advice, THANKS.

Enrique

Well then all I can say is, may you BOTH go with God. Best of luck to both of you Sir.

Enrique, you seem to be asking yourself all the right questions IMHO. One more question to ask yourself. You have asked yourself if you would want to wake up beside her for the rst of your life. Now ask yourself this question how does the thought of not waking up beside her make you feel? tom

Sounds like you've put alot of prayer and thought into this. I'm glad to hear that you're not ruled by emotion, as this is probably the most important decision you'll ever make.

That said, I've only got one other comment.

Congratulations! <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> May God guide your lives together, as He has guided you two to find one-another.
7mm

YB,

I was married to my bride at age 21 and that was nearly 20 years and 2 kids ago. She doesn't hunt, she shops. She will fish a little and seems to enjoy hitching up the RV and prowling through the mountains as long as she gets to hit those little shops along the way. She's older now but has kept her figure. There are lines on her face but there is a lot gray in my hair. She continues to wash my clothes, cook my meals, mother my kids and keep my house neat as a pin. She doesn't complain to much about my hunting/shooting/reloading/fishing/camping/etc... because as she says, "At least I know you are not prowling the bars looking for other women." I am absolutely certain I got the better end of the deal.

Here are my brief thoughts on your situation. 21 is not too young if you are both mature enough to handle it. You can prove that maturity by not rushing into it too quickly. If you think you are ready, pop the question but don't tie the knot just yet. Give yourself a few months of engagement. You probably need to save up some money and make some big adjustments in your lifestyle.

Seek some good premarital counseling. The way you talk of prayer and seeking God's will, I assume you are a Christian. Go to a pastor or a good Christian counselor or an older couple and get their help. Read some good books on marriage. Someone already mentioned "His needs, Her needs." There's a lot of good information there. John MacArthur's book "The Family" is a great one too. Go to church together. Pray together. Make sure her commitment to God is as strong as your own. 2 Cor.6:14 warns us not to be "unequally yoked."

Another thought I don't think anyone has brought up is consider her family background. What is her mother like? Was she raised in a stable home? Was her dad around? The truth is we've been trained for marriage by our parents, both positively and negatively. If her home life while growing up was not great, that doesn't mean you should kill the relationship. It does mean that there will be implications in your marriage spilling over from her childhood.

My prayers and best wishes are with you. Please keep us posted as to how things are going.

youngbuck

I waited untill I was 33 before I married. It wasn't a concious decision, it just worked out that way. I do think there was a benefit to waiting only because when I was younger I wasn't good husband material <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> A lot of people these days don't look at marriage as they should. My wife and I didn't live together and went thru the church's little pre-marriage diddy, and truly believe in our vows. Many people don't include God in their marriage and the church wedding is only because of tradition. I don't think your age is necessary a prescription for failure, but there should be no hurry either, If it's meant to be it will happen and there should be need to rush anything.

When I was in college I met a very nice girl and thought for sure she was the one. We dated a long time, seven years. Early on during school, talk of marriage wasn't in the cards, we both wanted to get past that part of life before looking forward. After, there were times I wanted to marry and she didn't and vica-versa. Eventually after spending a lot of time in AK working for college $$ we settled in the same town and tried to make a run at it. It just wasn't meant to be, though at many times in the past we both couldn't imagine anybody else. She is a wonderfull person and I've probably never been closer to anyone. We are now both very happily married to other people. The song unanswered prayer's makes me think of her everytime I hear it. Your girl could be the one, just don't rush into thinking you could loose it if you don't marry soon. And don't listen to anyone who's been burned in marriage in the past, thats a bunch of sour grapes and I guarentee they weren't completely innocent, as someone noted it's a 100%/100% not 50/50. Thats about as mushy as I care to get as I have a harda$$ reputation to uphold <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" /> Good luck to you. dempsey

Marriage is a very important step in a life. You are creating a new entity one called US. I have been married for 38 years to the woman I met when we were ten. I LIKED her from the very first time we met. I LIKED her long before I loved her. I knew that this person would be a part of my life for all my days, didn�t know how she would be involved but I did know that she would.
You and you partner will have to put yourself aside, many times, in favor of the US. You will find that when you reach the point where US is at the top of the three of you that the ME and YOU will become stronger and more sure and able to thrive within the US of a marriage. You both have to become sure enough of the US to be able to let go a bit of the ME and YOU to be free to grow. My wife and I have mutual friends and interests but we also have things that we like to do alone. We are strong enough in the US part to know that those different interests are not a threat.
Talk, talk, and talk some more. You can�t fix what stays hidden. NEVER, EVER end the day angry. NEVER EVER hit even with words, fist will break bones but words will kill a soul. Lastly please don�t fall into to the though that a child can fix a broken marriage, it can�t, it won�t and babies aren�t strong enough to stand up for their part of the US.
Work hard at it.
Pete

I would say, get a Yellow Labrador. Lots of love, faithful, doesn't care where you go, when you return, is always happy to see ya, doesn't care how much you drink, you can leave the seat up.......

What a fascinating bunch of replies. The look at others' points of view are great and reveal why this forum/campfire works so well. I think I'm in the minority here in agreeing with your asking her to share your life. You're already friends and know you enjoy each other, in spite of that she may still want to marry you. The biggy is that you are both Christians that live your beliefs. Next is an agreement that when things don't work out that you will commit to each other to work things out without hollering "divorce" or getting the in-laws involved. I met my wife in basic training and it was the eighth time I saw her when I married her. That took six months but I, too, was very concerned that I was going too fast. I just couldn't see any way to not marry her and that was over 32 years ago, She is still my best friend, in spite of knowing me so well, and a constant delight. Grab your girl, commit to each other, and keep your vows. Cherish her and always tell her that you love her at least once a day...and mean it. Maybe she will buy you that special .458 for Christmas like mine did.
batch

I'd print out all this info have her read it then propose <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

OH by the way, if you think you are going to wake up every morning and see the same woman for the rest of you life YOU ARE KIDDING yourself! <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> As long as you are not looking at the outer beauty/beast...you'll do fine!

Best of luck!