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Joined: Feb 2016
Posts: 17,830
Campfire Ranger
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Campfire Ranger
Joined: Feb 2016
Posts: 17,830 |
iMHO if one has no responsibilities left ( spouse or kids ), one can check out when they've had enough
Their life, their call.
Just minimize the hassle and mess of post exit.
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Joined: Dec 2004
Posts: 14,488
Campfire Outfitter
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Campfire Outfitter
Joined: Dec 2004
Posts: 14,488 |
Thirty-three years ago, tonight, fast asleep in bed I dreamed of being shot in the head. There was no pain, just the sensation of my head snapping suddenly to the side. It woke me up, and I thought about how strange it was and then went back to sleep. I had just started my career at the BLM in Ely, Nevada seven months prior after completing a BS in Range Management.
The next day at work the phone at my desk rang. It was a cousin living in El Paso. I was told my mom had disappeared a day or two prior. She had suffered from chronic depression for two decades and had done things like that before, but I was told that "everyone has a really bad feeling about it this time." I left for El Paso immediately, thinking that if she was okay I needed to be there and if she was not okay I needed to be there...either way.
I arrived at my grandparents' house where Mom had been living at about 3 AM and learned that the police had found my mother shot dead in a hotel room a few miles away as I traveled from Nevada to Texas.
The following six days were surreal. I had to choose where my mother's body would be buried. I had to choose a casket. I had to sign a document authorizing the cemetery to bury her body in the ground, and I hesitated with the thought in mind that if I refused to sign all this would cease to be...and that's where my relationship with reality and ability to function became quite strained.
The following six years of my life were a chaotic blur. I did not know who I was anymore because I didn't want to be me. I could not hold a job, I could not maintain or establish relationships with anyone, and I thought of myself as an abandoned child with no future or purpose. It wasn't hell, it was something else and it was not a place I'd ever want to be again.
I tell my story because I would like anyone contemplating taking his or her own life to consider what it would do to people you care about. MY mom didn't want to hurt me or anyone else, I understand that...but I don't think she could possibly have known what it would do to the rest of us. The fallout was horrific and is still felt to this day among my closest family.
Just don't.
Don't be the darkness.
America will perish while those who should be standing guard are satisfying their lusts.
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Joined: Feb 2005
Posts: 4,430
Campfire Tracker
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Campfire Tracker
Joined: Feb 2005
Posts: 4,430 |
GIVE ME A CALL!
Had a local veterinarian commit suicide........after dealing with him for our blonde lab.....had no clue. Good guy!
He had kids........fact check, I was a kid. Missed that one.
Yea, these scars rarely completely heal.
PM for a number.
"Those that think they know everything are annoying those of us that have Google." - Dr. D. Edward Wilkinson
Note to self: Never ask an old Fogey how he is doing today.
Revised note to self: Keep it short when someone asks how I am doing.
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Joined: Feb 2016
Posts: 17,830
Campfire Ranger
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Campfire Ranger
Joined: Feb 2016
Posts: 17,830 |
I don't think others have the right to further somebodys pain.
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Joined: Feb 2016
Posts: 17,830
Campfire Ranger
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Campfire Ranger
Joined: Feb 2016
Posts: 17,830 |
Abandoned is a good word.
Felt like that when my bud died.
But I was blessed to have had him as a friend for 20 yrs.
On the same wavelength kinda thing.
Perspective. Better to have had a bud like that than never.
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Joined: Oct 2002
Posts: 2,338
Campfire Regular
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OP
Campfire Regular
Joined: Oct 2002
Posts: 2,338 |
Diesel - thank you so much for initiating this thread, and appreciation to all who have contributed here. The click count is higher than most and that is excellent because this is a matter that cannot be over-explored. Those among us who have noted and decried the decline in great Campfire posting as compared to the "old days" can take heart with this thread.
Trying to avoid redundancy, it still seems important to highlight the fact that the life conditions and the kinds of feeling and thinking that lead to suicide are as varied and complex as the range of humans God has created. Due to this complexity, some of us right adjacent to a troubled person can be of a different sort that will not realize their situation and inclinations, and therefore not recognize opportunities to be of help - even when we would greatly wish to do so. Such missed opportunities seem to be a major source of the regrets and losses expressed.
Although believing myself to be a caring and helpful person (along with other quite contrasting characteristics) I also am naturally a lone wolf. These discussions and the reading of some posted stories (lately the Brady Oberg account) have caused me to realize that being willing and exercising our abilities to be more open to/for others - even those not close or known well - could be a key factor in working through normal complexity in order to be better.
To be able to see/understand and help a suicidal person to whom such assistance is vital could lead to victories large and small. Victories for the suffering person and for those of us who otherwise might be left deeply hurt by suicide and wishing to have been of more help.
Even though not coarse persons, and while being well-meaning, many of us can be so driven by goals/accomplishments, by hard values to which we adhere, by disciplined use of time and other resources, etc. that our senses are not open to the internal conditions of those who may be quite different from us - especially loved ones.
This thread addresses a hard topic - it isn't hunting/fishing/guns/personalities/politics - but rather a slice of life that can be devastating, or elevating if we are able to muster our better qualities. Just a tiny opinion in the mix of some excellent contributions. Thanks CCCC and an excellent post to boot. So well said.. And while I am at it, I want to say thanks to a member sending me a PM concerned about ME and if I needed to talk. I will not note his handle so as not to draw unwanted attention to him. BTW, I am GOOD. The Campfire is full of a special group of humans. Salute.
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Joined: Jun 2004
Posts: 7,185 Likes: 4
Campfire Tracker
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Campfire Tracker
Joined: Jun 2004
Posts: 7,185 Likes: 4 |
Had two relatives and two friends who drank themselves to death. Had one friend who killed himself because he was unable to beat his alcohol addiction. Another friend was a born again Christian who was unable to reconcile his sins with his belief system. Each person had their reason, and it was kind of understandable. They were in a dark time and couldn't see any light in the future. I think the really important thing is, if you are experiencing a dark time, talk to someone. GD
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Joined: Jun 2011
Posts: 3,778 Likes: 2
Campfire Tracker
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Campfire Tracker
Joined: Jun 2011
Posts: 3,778 Likes: 2 |
This is a very inspirational thread.
I had to read every post.
This subject seems to hit home for many people.
One of my son's best friends took his life at 19 years old., He spent a lot of time at our home through the years.
Took a hike up a canyon in late fall and shot himself. Despite searches he wasn't found until spring. Very tough on the family.
Thanks to everyone who commented, it helps to try to understand.
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Joined: Oct 2019
Posts: 1,562 Likes: 1
Campfire Regular
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Campfire Regular
Joined: Oct 2019
Posts: 1,562 Likes: 1 |
I cant judge a person by their actions when it comes to being in a dark state of mind, because only that person knows their struggles but something comes to mind about whi don't think I could.
I'm fairly young, 40 but been diabetic for 38 of those years and didn't take the greatest care of myself. I lost my first wife some years back and had to break the news to my two kids. That was a rough time and I know the heartache that we still have from her passing.
A few months back I had a health scare and didn't know much while awaiting test results but you can't help but think of what'll happen if you die. I'm remarried now and the kids are happy, along with the wife but I couldn't help but feel deep despair at the thought of having to have them mourn me being gone, even if I wouldn't realize it. That thought tore me up more than anything. Thankfully i got a clean bill of health for now.
My point being that a person that ends their life must really be well beyond the point of no return for reasons that we can't comprehend and I can't even begin to imagine what it's like to not know for sure what's on the other side but be willing to find out.
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Joined: Feb 2012
Posts: 817
Campfire Regular
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Campfire Regular
Joined: Feb 2012
Posts: 817 |
There is a vast difference between living and existing. Quality of life counts for something and comes into play. Lady I taught with was going back to college for her Masters degree in teaching and was involved in a head on collision. She was in a coma in a nursing home for 12 years before succumbing to pneumonia. Left behind 2 young daughters and a husband. Her husband didn’t date , girls grew up , married and Mom didn’t know that she was in the world, nor that they were. That’s existing. I came down with Covid in 2020 and and had numerous close calls with death. I was already high risk with Congestive Heart Failure, 2 strokes and a bypass at age 27. I had a trach, feeding tube, stage 4 sacral wound softball size, Covid toes and heel on my left foot. Had a colonoscopy, Foley catheter for 7.5 months, numerous bouts of UTIs and pneumonia and heart palpitations from meds. 3 of us survived being on the ventilator. Read today here that being put on ventilator almost insured that you would die of pneumonia. I never took the so called vaccine; refused it numerous times. I worked in the sterility lab at Baxter Labs while in college and knew that no drug company could possibly develop and fully test a vaccine in less than a year. Especially if the target was was a bio weapon that escaped from a lab in China. Spent 14 months in specialty hospitals and nursing home. Totally dependent upon others for my care and well being. Living is not sitting in a wheelchair or bed in a nursing home wearing Depends, overmedicated, drooling, and not knowing you are in the world, just so the medical profession can turn a profit. Extremely hard on the spouse too. I will never go to live in one again. I do have mobility ( prosthetic leg, walker, cane) and can still drive. My mind is still sharp, mostly. I woke up in a very different socialist world that undermines every belief and value that I hold dear. I want to die with my dignity and not be a burden on my family. And I probably will. I still have flashbacks and have trouble sleeping and wife has anxiety attacks and trouble sleeping also.
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Joined: Dec 2006
Posts: 28,172
Campfire Ranger
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Campfire Ranger
Joined: Dec 2006
Posts: 28,172 |
I'm not going out with alzheimers. After watching what my grandmother went through. Not gonna do it. I'm of the same mind. It's not a temporary problem by any stretch.
Hunt with Class and Classics
Religion: A founder of The Church of Spray and Pray
Acquit v. t. To render a judgment in a murder case in San Francisco... EQUAL, adj. As bad as something else. Ambrose Bierce “The Devil's Dictionary”
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Joined: Nov 2004
Posts: 10,027 Likes: 3
Campfire Outfitter
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Campfire Outfitter
Joined: Nov 2004
Posts: 10,027 Likes: 3 |
My kids keep me going. Health issues and lack of sleep can get me pretty down at times but I have to stick around for my kids.
Bb
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Joined: Feb 2014
Posts: 4,634 Likes: 1
Campfire Tracker
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Campfire Tracker
Joined: Feb 2014
Posts: 4,634 Likes: 1 |
I have never considered suicide with any kind of seriousness. My Wife and children are my priority always. I do have two friends that have some serious depression in their family history. I worry about them sometimes. I check in with them consistently if I know they are going through anything difficult.
Depression or mental illness is real. It is often genetical.
I really feel for all of you that have been touched personally by a suicide by a loved one. I have no idea how I would handle such a thing.
"The Ballpark burgers were free, why not eat them?"
- Wabi-
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Joined: Feb 2012
Posts: 2,407 Likes: 2
Campfire Regular
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Campfire Regular
Joined: Feb 2012
Posts: 2,407 Likes: 2 |
Nothing much to add as I don’t have any first-hand experience here, but for those that shared their stories, please know I’m grateful for what you wrote and this has really given me a lot to think about.
For the members who’ve dealt and are dealing with this in their own lives, I’m so sorry you have had these things happen and I hope you can find peace.
Fear the crabcat.
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Joined: Aug 2022
Posts: 270
Campfire Member
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Campfire Member
Joined: Aug 2022
Posts: 270 |
Yes. It’s a constant and never ending thought of mine. I’ve become ok knowing that it’s the way I will go. I’m not sure when but one day I will know that my time here is done and I’m done and it will be done and I’ll check myself out. All my loose ends are already taken care of. It’s now just a matter of when. I’m not sad or torn up over it.
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Joined: May 2016
Posts: 60,577 Likes: 26
Campfire Kahuna
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Campfire Kahuna
Joined: May 2016
Posts: 60,577 Likes: 26 |
Yes. It’s a constant and never ending thought of mine. I’ve become ok knowing that it’s the way I will go. I’m not sure when but one day I will know that my time here is done and I’m done and it will be done and I’ll check myself out. All my loose ends are already taken care of. It’s now just a matter of when. I’m not sad or torn up over it. What were your loose ends?
I am MAGA.
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Joined: May 2007
Posts: 12,142
Campfire Outfitter
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Campfire Outfitter
Joined: May 2007
Posts: 12,142 |
Diesel;
Good evening to you sir, I'm going to begin by saying a sincere thanks for starting this thread and offer the same to all who've responded.
In the main, this has been the 'Fire truly at it's finest and I don't say that lightly.
Where to begin?
As you might know about me, I had a major wreck when I was 15 after which the best medical minds called my family to watch me die, but obviously God had other plans and as it turned out I clung to life tenaciously. One of the many blessings of coming that close to dying and managing indescribable pain is that it allowed me precious perspective in everything life has thrown at me thus far in the next 45 years.
That said, I have known two coworkers who took their own lives. Both I considered if not friends at very least "work friends" and though I pleaded with one to get help, he chose not to in the end.
My wife and I dealt with both of our Mothers as they descended into deep dementia and unfortunately we've also had personal experience with friends and family who suffer from mental illness.
We also have family who are going through terminal illness and have dealt with it during the loss of some family members and friends. Surely there's been some who have suffered immensely as they've gone down the path and some less so.
All that to say sir, the subject isn't one I'm an expert on, but am more conversant than I'd prefer to be the case.
Some really fine posts have reinforced the value or necessity of being able to reach out and talk to someone about it.
That's surely not an easy thing to do or even be the person to be the one called, but I'll add my voice to those who've encouraged just that.
Thanks again for being a catalyst for this very timely conversation.
All the best to each one of you.
Dwayne
The most important stuff in life isn't "stuff"
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Joined: Aug 2022
Posts: 270
Campfire Member
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Campfire Member
Joined: Aug 2022
Posts: 270 |
Yes. It’s a constant and never ending thought of mine. I’ve become ok knowing that it’s the way I will go. I’m not sure when but one day I will know that my time here is done and I’m done and it will be done and I’ll check myself out. All my loose ends are already taken care of. It’s now just a matter of when. I’m not sad or torn up over it. What were your loose ends? My family and friends won’t have to deal with all my stuff. My will is very specific and lined out. All of my possessions are paid for, there’s no debt for anyone to deal with. I’ll have the house lined up, the utilities will be in order, bank accounts are accessible, etc… It will be a simple transition. No big emotional farewells here one day gone the next.
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Joined: May 2016
Posts: 60,577 Likes: 26
Campfire Kahuna
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Campfire Kahuna
Joined: May 2016
Posts: 60,577 Likes: 26 |
Yes. It’s a constant and never ending thought of mine. I’ve become ok knowing that it’s the way I will go. I’m not sure when but one day I will know that my time here is done and I’m done and it will be done and I’ll check myself out. All my loose ends are already taken care of. It’s now just a matter of when. I’m not sad or torn up over it. What were your loose ends? My family and friends won’t have to deal with all my stuff. My will is very specific and lined out. All of my possessions are paid for, there’s no debt for anyone to deal with. I’ll have the house lined up, the utilities will be in order, bank accounts are accessible, etc… It will be a simple transition. No big emotional farewells here one day gone the next. What's your "go" point? Why all the plans? Is there something looming for you?
I am MAGA.
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Joined: Jan 2001
Posts: 29,905 Likes: 10
Campfire Ranger
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Campfire Ranger
Joined: Jan 2001
Posts: 29,905 Likes: 10 |
Still have a bunch of crap I want to do.
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