Home Forums Hunting & Shooting Hunter's Campfire Suicide

Firm believer in death with dignity. Hope I never have to make that decision, but I would much rather be 6 feet under than in pain or stuck in a nursing home, while my life savings are drained by the medical industry.

Been glancing at this thread all day since early morning. I've read all the posts put forth. I had to think my thoughts thru, because I really needed to organize them. I'm only sharing my views and opinions, in hope it might help someone who is in need, or needs to think things thru.

One common denominator I've noticed in life over the subject, is how people look at the big picture on this subject. Many people are angry over someone losing their life to suicide, because they dwell on all the people "that the victim" hurt, over their action, especially if they were included. Others passively deal with it, basically not having a clue of what to do about it, and then others they just "don't understand how someone could do such a thing."

I've learned to look at it from the perspective of the person, contemplating or has successfully give up their life, for whatever their reasons was for doing so. It was their choice, and not everyone else's choice. People complain and never even try to understand what was in a person's head, that caused them to do, what they did and ending their own existence.
No one looks at the circumstances they were dealing with, much less their internal fortitude to deal with their problems.
Some people are bullet proof regardless of the problem.. others are as fragile as a glass ornament. And from looking at the person on the outside, you can hardly ever tell what kind of person they are on the inside.

perfect example of what I speak of, is when you see someone who has everything to live for ( but you judge that from your perspective, living on the outside, not on the inside of that person's life), and mysteriously they take their own life for a reason no one can seem to see why. they didn't look close enough evidently.

I got introduced to all of this early in my life, at the age of 17. Me and my younger brother both got up every week day morning at 4 AM and went out and delivered the Washington Post, to an apartment and town house complex. I had 400 customers and my brother had 300. Took us both about 90 minutes to deliver our routes each morning. I woke up at 4AM as usual and my mother was up and she was crying. She said my brother never came home last night. She has taken my youngest brother into DC to see the Ringling Brothers Circus. They got home at midnight. I was out until 11 Pm with my girlfriend seeing a movie. My younger brother had told my mom that our middle brother Donnie, wasn't home. She waited up for him and he never came home. She " had a feeling" that something was wrong.

We lived in an apartment building because my dad was over seas at the time in Vietnam. We lived on the top floor, and the building was 3 stories, with the entrance entering on the second floor, as it was built on a hillside. I told her maybe he spent the night at the other guy's house, that had his paper drop at the same street corner and sometimes they would deliver their routes together. I told mom, I'd go look for him and come back and let her know what was going on.

on the way out the buildings entrance, I got a cold feeling that overcame me. It was almost being in a trance. I laid my delivery sack down by the front door and went downstairs to the storage area in the basement. If I had walked the main hall way thru there I would have never found him. But for some reason, I walked right up to the isolated spot and found my brother hanging from a rope. You could reach up and touch the pipe he hung himself from. He had tied a rope around his neck, then got on his knees and leaned forward to do the deed. However evidently, when the rope started choking him, he panicked and tried to stand back up, and tripped. He fell forward, and his weight, the movement and the slip knot he was so good at tying, did what it was tied to do. It jerked his neck and cut off his circulation. He died quickly. He had been tipped over at a 45 degree angel, on his knees.. Time of death was supposedly at 1 AM, I found him 3 hours later.

I went upstairs and went in the kitchen and got a knife out of the drawer, and went and told my mother I had found him.
He had hung himself in the basement storage area. All she said was " I knew it!", and put her face in her pillow and just started bawling. With no emotion at all, I walked back down to the basement, cut the rope and lowered him to the floor.
Rigormortis had already set in. He was frozen into the position he had died in...

I went back upstairs to the kitchen, put the knife back in the drawer after wiping it clean under the tap. Went in and checked on my mom who was still crying hysterically, and then called the Fairfax County Sheriff's Department. In a trance, I went out and delivered my 400 pagers, and then went down and delivered my brother's paper route of 300 papers. That took 3 hours. When I got home, they were carrying his body out on the gurney, with a sheet over him.

All I felt was anger over his death. I went down stairs, and there were several officers outside in the entrance, within the building.. They had just helped the paramedics remove the body. There was this one Sargent, who asked me if I knew who cut down the body. I told him I did at 4 AM. he angrily asked me "why in the hell did you cut him down, you just fuDked up or entire investigation" I looked at him a second of two, like he was waiting for an answer. All I remember his this snarling pissed off look on his face. Without at first knowing it, I put my fist thru his mouth. He went flying out the back door, which was a bunch of small pained glass panels. He went right thru the glass. I just walked off and went back up the stairs, out the front door and watched as they loaded his body onto he ambulance to take it away.

none of the cops down stairs had down a thing to me as I left. A Captain came up and asked was I the older brother who had found Donnie hanging from the rope. I told him yes, and he asked how I was doing and what I felt. I told him I just felt empty and angry. He wanted to get me some help, and I just walked off. I was getting late for school. I went in and took a shower, got ready and left for school in my VW.

I drove around evidently for 3 hours in a trance. I got to school and went to my 4th period German class. Everyone seemed shocked when I walked in. The teacher told the class to do some work book stuff and asked to speak to me in the hallway. We went and she asked me how I was doing and that they had all heard the news. I was a zombie evidently, because all I remember saying was " Nicht Englisch, auf Deutsche bitte".. she told me in German to go home...so I just left. I had no idea where I went, I just went. I got home late, and just went to bed. Got up again the next morning and delivered my paper route and my brothers again. This time I called my route manager and told him what had happened. I told him I'd deliver his route and mine until he found someone new to take over my brothers....

My only feelings for close to 2 months, was just anger and emptyness.... My dad can home from overseas.. but I had no desire to be around anyone.. People trying to give me empathy was worse than anything else.

Funny I was never charged for assaulting that Sheriff's Deputy, no one said a thing. It took me 2 years to get over my anger. All I saw off the side of the road at night were "dead bodies" close to 2 years. Just a couple of bags of leaves was a body. I drove like an old lady most of the time.. but when I was by myself, for 6 months, I drove like a bat out of hell, pushing the limits.. I was angry at God and kept on cursing him and telling him to take me next.. I have no idea how many times I spun out my stupid Bug, on curves, or the number of times I set it up on two wheels... But God watched over me, despite all of my anger. I took me two years to break that habit and the anger. NOTHING scared me, but thank Goodness God watched over me in spite of myself. I'd pick fights just to have an outlet for my anger in life. That is where I learned it made me impossible to cry, except for something that would give me joy. I'm still like that to this day. it never went away.

neither did my views on death and suicides....why I am still here, I don't have a clue.

THANK YOU,its been a rough road.

I'm sorry you feel that way. Whenever I faced pointless feelings and felt worthless, nothing mattered anymore, I never overcame the despair. I'm not sure that I coped or did much other than let it pass. Your existence, your perceptions, thoughts and health are your children to nurture and love like a new puppy back to happiness. Joy may never return but a solemn kind of peaceful acceptance can. Focusing on all my blessings, advantages, children really didn't add up to much at such times. Let such times pass. The universe is vast as any assertion of God. There is something out there if only nothing more. Death is inevitable and something to experience in its natural state. Brain chemistry tells us stupid things sometimes, some of us more so than normal people. Exercise stimulates endorphins that make you happy. B vitamins, especially Folate (Folic Acid) help a lot. There is a stronger prescription variety too you might try. It's very odd how quickly my mood would change by simply swimming 20 minutes every other day. Or a brisk walk in the woods. Enjoying breakfast at this one place after. We are a chemical experiment in many ways that gets out of whack. And our minds are rabid liars at times. Don't believe everything you hear.

Yup. Just the way it is.
Woke up today, some minor aches and pains and thought today aint the day.
Just matter of fact.

Don't obsess or dwell on it, but think about. Often.

Not to Peter Steele Type O Negative level LOL (one of my favorite bands).
Gotta laugh at ourselves, even on serious stuff/death.

Please don't dress in black
When you're at his wake
Don't go there to mourn
But to celebrate

"I used to try to run five miles every other day, which I worked up to and I was doing it, but I was subjected to my own thoughts for forty minutes without any sensory input, and I couldn't stand what I thought." - Peter Steele

40.mins aint chit LOL

My job has me pretty much by myself, with loud equipment. So wear earpro.......6.5 hrs a day alone w thoughts.....very easy to step off..... and on to a dark path

Please talk to someone. A pastor, a friend a family member. Someone.

No comment Seafire.

Bruce had throat cancer IIRC.kid went to spoken word tour and got me this shirt. Wearing it to trap this evening

So he can live in misery?
He's a big boy and knows what he wants.
I watched my Dad miss his chance at not being pathetic. Different scenario, but similar results to the intents of the above proposal.

IMHO counselors, shrinks, medical and clergy .....most are liberal dumbasses.

Be very careful who you choose to talk to.

Childrens hospital told us 90 percent are friggin quacks.

This thread is proof that you have no idea what is going on in people's lives looking from the outside.

Had no clue some of you were in the position you have shared.

Not that I have all my turds in a row, but if anyone wants to chat ever, drop me a PM and I will share my phone # and we can chat. Any time. Have done it a couple times before. Glad to offer help to anyone that might want it.

Seafire and others who have had to deal with the aftermath of someone's suicide, I can't imagine what it's been like for you. I commend you all for your courage both in dealing with the loss and with sharing it here. I hope it has helped you to express your thoughts here and also that it has helped others who might be facing similar situations.

A young man I once helped coach in baseball took his own life several years ago. The signs were there that he was troubled, but I still was surprised at the news. Life is precious.

Mark, no worries.

The aftermath is that it was long ago. It only hurts, when I visit his grave next to my grandparents back east. The feelings intensify, embracing the fact that I even once had another brother. It all went to fighting it, to it just being a big numb feeling, which eventually lessened and lessened over the years.

Every cloud has a silver lining tho. I have been in the medical field since my time in the military. I came out of the Army with a Nursing and Paramedic Degrees. along with the combat medic and training to be the NCOIC ( the IC stands for In charge ) of MASH units... Like the TV show..( Mobile Army Surgical Hospital). I have worked in Civilian Hospitals, flew on a Med Evac crew for 2 years in the Military on top of my experiences. in the Civilian World I migrate over to medical sales, scrubbing into surgeries at Teaching Hospitals in multiple State area Territories. Spent 10 years in Cardiology, doing that.
Open Heart Surgeries, Coronary Angioplastys etc, once again mainly teaching hospitals, where other doctors go to train.
Under my belt, I've scrubbed into 500 plus cases at the Mayo Clinic in Rochester MN alone. 7 to 10 cases a week adds up over time.

My brothers suicide drove me into this direction. I came out of college with a dual major of Pre Law and Poli Sci. Got accepted to 3 laws schools fresh out of college ( Univ of VA, William & Mary, and Georgetown). Instead I went into the military, and took all the medical training they would give me. Working in a military hospital for 2 years, I developed a talent for being able to take with patients who would be suicidal, due to live changing injuries. From my experiences of dealing with my brother, I developed a talent to get people to still see a purpose in their lives, and to be able to convince them it wasn't the end of the world for them. I gave them dignity back, when they thought it was all gone after injuries, that would have life long lasting effects in life. I could give them beliefs in themselves. Did the same thing when I got off active duty and was working at the University of Washington Hospital in Seattle, in the Spinal Cord Rehab Center. ALL of our patients were people who had had accidents that left them either Quadplegics or Paraplegics. I had the ability to get these folks to see their lives moving forward into a new direction, that would still make them a productive member to society and in their own daily lives. The problem patients were assigned to me as their primary nurse. I turned most of those people around. My brother in his death, gave me that parting gift over time.

When my son was in high school I talked down 4 of his friends who had called him, because they were ready to take their lives that night, and called to say good bye to those they loved. They were in reality, just reaching out for help one last time. First couple of times my son was freaking out, and I asked what was wrong, and he told me, so I told him to give me the phone. Some of the guys I knew thru Boy Scouts, but I was able to talk them down. Each one later admitted I have saved their lives. From what my son saw me do, and how I could deal with people and their problems, and come up with solutions, he went into medicine after he graduated High School. He works in it now and has for the last 8 years.

My life would have taken a different path, if I had not experienced the loss of my brother. That has passed on down thru my son and him observing my abilities as I draw upon what I experienced dealing with it. He has learned to be able to talk down other kids, who are contemplating suicide, as he has gotten older. He still works with Scouts, at the local Mercy Flights over in Medford as an advisor, since he turned 21. He became part of Mercy Flights when he was 18, after becoming an Eagle Scout.

I've been around a lot of death in my lifetime. I have the ability not to crumble when I have to deal with it... I was trained as a corpsman in the military to deal with it. Yeah, I know its not a common trait for everyone, but I can maintain and focused in conditions a lot of other folks can't. Even with fellow medical people.

Maybe I had it in me already, but the loss of my brother brought it out if nothing else. Death doesn't sadden me, in fact I learned to feel nothing. It only makes me angry, not sadden. Their is no dignity in death, but then their is no dignity, when someone's life is at an end, and they can only be kept alive via machines and drugs and they live 24/7 in severe pain. So when its one's time to go, then go...

As I learned to realize and say, after my brothers death. We all have a beginning and we all have an end. We have control over neither one... we just have control over everything in between those two points. As I learned from my grandfather, helped me realize that... " what goes around, comes around.. so ya better make it good"..

I have no fear of when my time comes. I am ready to go tomorrow if that is what is on the Good Lords agenda for me. Because instead of fearing I am going to die, I look at it as thank you Lord for the life you've given me, what you have given me to be able to share with others. I only wish I could have done more and done better. Cremate me and throw my ashes into the wind from atop a hill top. Already know a spot for that. Point Blanco, on the Oregon coast. western most point in the continental USA. Wind comes off the ocean at 40 to 70 mph most of the time. That ought to spread my ashes around real well.

I look at l have been blessed having the life time, that my brother had denied by his own actions. Most people don't see a blessing in the saying Ashes to Ashes, Dust to Dust.. I do.

John - that is a LOT for a guy to contemplate. My thoughts are with you.

Yeah, I don’t know what to say. Except that it didn’t go unread. Hopefully that’s enough.

Thanks for sharing it seafire.

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Maybe there is small chance he doesn't have to live in misery and still live. But it's still a chance and I agree, after reading hookeyes post to choose who you talk to wisely.

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